FBI Charges Hillary Clinton With Multiple Counts Of Sharing ‘Top Secret’ E-Mails

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Democratic Presidential front-runner Hillary Clinton’s campaign has been struck a mighty blow today, with news of the FBI’s announcement of criminal charges being formally filed against her for allegedly sharing top secret information via public channels. 

“President Obama was shocked to learn about the charges against Clinton today while reading the paper on a golf course in Hawaii,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.”The President has said he puts his complete faith in the FBI, and promises to learn more about charges against Mrs. Clinton when he gets back to the White House next week.”

“I don’t know anything about how to set up an e-mail account,” said Clinton during a press conference this morning. ”When I was the Secretary of State, I thought it would just to be easier to use my current email address, HillaryRocks at AOL dot com. Chelsey set it up for me years ago, and it’s cute, so I kept it. I never knowingly shared top secret information with any foreign government – I’m just old, phones confuse me, and the buttons are so small. I may have hit ‘forward all’ a few times, but never on purpose. I committed no crime here, and it’s clear I’m being thrown under the bus by President Obama, who just wants to see Joe Biden as the next President!”

When asked why President Obama would have any reason to discredit her, Clinton mentioned that there may have been some issues between her family and his in the past.

“Well, Bill may have gotten a little frisky once with Michelle Obama at a government party, and Barack has held a grudge ever since. I want to promise my supporters that I will beat these charges, though, like we Clintons have always done. Even though I’m not smart enough to figure out how to have two different email addresses on one phone, I’m still smarter than Biden and those republican idiots.”

In another turn of events, Vice President Joe Biden says that he may actually run for president now, with the full support of Obama and his current cabinet.

“With this shocking news, it’s clear that I will have to throw my hat into the ring and run for President to save the Democratic party,” said Vice President Joe Biden. ”That’s right America, old Bumbling Joe needs your vote – and your money – because I am getting into the race, even if it is a little late.”

If found guilty of the crimes charged, Clinton could face up to 50 years in prison.

 

Scientists Prove Plants, Flowers Capable of Feeling Severe Pain

plants

CAMBRIDGE, Massachusetts –

In a letter to the Academy of Science, MIT scientist have proven beyond a shadow of doubt, that plants feel pain. This study will have far reaching consequences and will clearly change the way we view our world. 

”What started as a classroom project for undergraduates turned into a 6 year study with over 100 experiments conducted and 7 patents on new testing equipment,” said MIT scientist Phillip Peters. “It’s a little unnerving when you are able to hear the sound of grass crying out in pain after a fresh cut. Tests prove that the pain a strawberry bush feels when a berry is picked is equal to that of a human woman miscarrying. It’s brutal.”

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“This study has proven to be life changing for my students and myself,” said Dr. Jose Fresco. “Of the 10 students, now graduates from the program, that worked on the study from the start, 3 have killed themselves and 6 have become shut-ins. The 10th is missing, and is reportedly traveling through the recesses of Asia on a drug-fueled quest to find God. This discovery has ruined lives, and we were hesitant to release this information…but all those vegetarians out there need to know the true pain they’re causing.” 

A sad result of the released study is that hardcore vegans all over the world are slowly starving to death. “Being a vegan is not a diet, it’s a way of life, and I will not eat or wear any animal products or eat anything that feels pain,” said Sally Myers, a self-righteous twat we talked to about her stupid way of life. “I’ve been reduced to only drinking water, but at least I will die with a clear conscience.”

 

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

Tony Bennett And Lady Gaga To Star In Buddy Cop Movie

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Hollywood was all a buzz yesterday with the announcement that singers and friends Tony Bennett and Lady Gaga have signed a deal for an upcoming motion picture. The film Crooner And Legs will be a buddy cop movie, and filming will begin in late spring. 

“I’m very excited, I love buddy cop movies,” said Tony Bennett, 88. ”I can’t give too much away about the script but I play a Detective one week away from retirement, trying to solve one last big case. It’s going to be great working with Gaga, she’s a great friend and a great talent. Whenever I work with Gaga, I feel 70 years younger. She’s truly a special person.”

 “Tony and I are like soul mates,” said Lady Gaga, age 29. ”In the movie I play an ex-Rockette turned cop. Except for the special effects, stunt doubles, and shoot outs, the movie will be like real life, Tony and I singing to each other. This movie will be magical. Tony at the end of a long successful career and me at the start of one.

”The script was written for Kanye West and Paul McCarthy,” said Ira Goldstein, Executive Producer. “Kanye was insisting on an Oscar before he signed a contract. I tried explaining to him that’s not how it works, but he called me a racist and backed out of the deal. I’m happy we were able to Tony and Gaga, their on screen chemistry will make this movie a hit.”

“ He’s old as all hell and half the time I’m not sure she’s even a woman,” said film critic Carmine Classi. ”This movie has train wreck written all over it.”

 

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

Obama Ask Congress To Approve Sale Of Alaska To Chinese Government, Hopes To Pay Off National Debt

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama shocked congress today when he announced that he has been secretly talking to the Chinese government about selling Alaska. Obama promised the sale of Alaska to the Chinese in hopes that he would be able to pay off the national debt. He also stated that he sees no logical reason why congress should not approve of it.

“For the past several months I’ve been secretly negotiating with President Xi Jinping of China,” announced President Obama. ”Alaska actually is a pretty expensive piece of land with all it’s gold and oil, and President Jinping is will to pay the value of our national debt, a little over 18 trillion, which we have come to figure is just only slight above 1 trillion over market value. With those numbers, even the most racist republicans can’t say that’s a bad deal.”

Obama says that although he feels that China being so close to the United States and Canada could later have disatrous effects, the ability to pay off completely the debt owed by the country would be an immense relief.

“When congress approves of the sale, our nation will be debt free, and that’s a good thing. Ever since I took office, all I have  heard is ‘national debt’ this, and ‘national debt’ that, and what am I going to do about it? Well, I did something, now it’s in the Republicans hands to finish the deal.” 

“I think it’s a great idea, as all of Obama’s ideas have been so far,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. ”I know that I never personally considered Alaska part of America anyway. The only people who live there are freedom loving gun nuts like Sarah Palin, and that’s not what America is about anymore.”

Not everyone shares the same optimism about the sale as President Obama and other democrats, though.

“Alaskans won’t stand for it, that’s for sure! We may be different, but we are not crazy,” said former Alaskan governer Sarah Palin. ”Who does Obama think he is? How about reducing the debt by spending less, that’s how we do it in the Palin household. I don’t think Obama could even balance his own checkbook, never mind clearing out our national debt!” 

“Theres not a chance in hell this will pass,” said Rep. John Boehner. ”The President is out of touch with reality. I wake up every day and say to myself:’ just two more years…just two more years…'”

 

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears’ Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

Justin Timberlake Buys Britney Spears' Underwear At Auction; Jessica Biel Reportedly Files For Divorce

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The underwear Britney Spears wore in her hit 1998 video Baby One More Time recently sold at a charity auction for $60,000, and the buyer has been rumored to be Spears’ ex-boyfriend, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake’s wife, actress Jessica Biel, has reportedly filed for divorce, citing the purchase of the underwear as the reason. 

“I don’t know why she’s so pissed,” said Timberlake. ”Those panties just bring back good memories of my youth. They were the same panties she wore the first time we did it. I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else owning them. More importantly, though, it was for charity, and I can afford it. Britney and I will always have the past, but Jessica is my future!” 

“On his head! I caught him wearing that skank’s panties on his head!” said Biel. ”I’m having his baby, I’m fat, I’m irritable, and I find him naked singing ‘Hit me baby one more time!’ with those panties on his head in the bedroom. I mean, I know it could have been worse. There are some much more disturbing things he could have been doing with those panties. Oh God – now I’m thinking about all those things! I can’t take this anymore!”

“Justin really wanted those panties, and my sources tell me the bid was only $100 when he upped it to $60,000,” said Hollywood reporter Mitch Mitchell. “The divorce is big news, but no one wants to take sides here. Justin has already been to Vegas twice to see Britney’s show. I think Justin will be just fine, here. As far as Jessica goes, well, I’m sure that if her body bounces back quickly, she’s set for life, anyway. In Hollywood, beauty never has to fade!”

 

Somali Pirate Sues Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

Somali Pirate Sue Sony Pictures For Cut Of Profits From ‘Captain Phillips’

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The ACLU representing a Somali pirate filed a lawsuit today against Sony Pictures, claiming that their client, Abduwali Muse, never gave his permission for his story to be told in movie, and has never received compensation. Captain Phillips was Sony Pictures 2013 hit, grossing over $218 billion worldwide. 

“How can the American Civil Liberties Union represent a Somali pirate, you ask? The answer is easy – he is being held in a U.S. prison,” said ACLU Lawyer Adam Aarons. “Mr Abduwali Muse, who the story ‘Captain Phillips’ is based on, is serving a 33 year sentence here in the United States. I’ve taken this case on because my client has not seen one dime of the profits of a movie which essentially tells his life story. Corporations need to be taught you can not walk all over the little people. We are asking for $100 million dollars, which upon winning, the ACLU will hold for Muse until he is done serving his 33 year sentence – minus our large cut, of course.”

“The ACLU won’t be happy until they destroy America,” said radio personality Rush Limbaugh. ”They take on the most stupid, inane cases possible. The will do anything for a buck, but this is their lowest moment, representing a murderous pirate against a film studio that, frankly, has had to endure enough these last few months.”

Sony has recently dealt with controversy of their own, after hacked emails leaked detailing sensitive conversations between executives, as well as a threat against the United States being lobbied by North Korea over the studio’s film The Interview. 

“I’m not sure who the ACLU is, really. I only signed the papers because they promised me money in my commissary to buy candy bars and gum,” said Abduwali Muse from inside his prison cell. ”I don’t want to upset anyone, I’m in jail because I’ve done horrible things. I feel guilty because they treat me so well – American Jail is nicer than my village. If you see the ACLU tell them I’m waiting for my candy.”

 

Obama Calls For ‘Prepping’ To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorists’

Obama Calls For 'Prepping' To Be Outlawed, Calls Preppers ‘Homegrown Terrorist’

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama urged Congress today to pass laws limiting the amount of food and ammunition a citizen can have on stockpile at any given time. The President was quotes as saying that “These people preparing for a government collapse are the one’s most likely to cause it.” 

“The government is here to supply your needs, so there’s no need to have a 3 year food supply hidden in your basement,” said President Obama. ”After binge-watching episodes Doomsday Preppers on the Netflix, I see how dangerous and un-American these people are. In a failing society we all have to work together, and if you’re hoarding food, there’s less for everyone else. No one should be hoarding ammunition, and I think anything more than 50 rounds should be criminal. I’m asking Congress to push through new laws, making it a crime to have more than a 30 day supply of food or more than 50 rounds of ammunition in your home. These preppers are more of a danger to America than ISIS, and they need to be stopped.” 

“He’s right again, as always,” said Democrat Nancy Pelosi. “Preppers are dangerous and crazy people. If there’s a disaster, the government will help you and your family. Prepping is some kind of mental illness, and they shouldn’t even be able to have guns and weapons.” 

Not everyone feels the way that President Obama and other democrats do, though. Many republican senators are quick to strike down the proposal, saying that prepping is something that should be the God-given right of every American citizen.

“Preppers are smart, they know history shows you can’t count on your government,” explained Senator Ted Cruz. “When I’m President, I’m going to encourage everyone to have at several years of canned food and bottled water on hand. Preparing to take care of your family is the American way, and the only way that will keep us strong in time of dire need. If Obama wants to talk prepping, he should prep his ass for some serious fight on this issue.”

 

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

NBC Confirms ‘Seinfeld’ Coming Back To Television, Entire Cast Signs 3 Year Deal

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Time to rejoice America, Seinfeld is officially coming back to TV in the fall of 2015. Negotiations have been going on behind closed doors for months, and NBC refused to greenlight the project until the entire cast signed on, with Jerry himself being the last holdout.

“I was under a lot of pressure from the guys to sign on,” said the show’s star, Jerry Seinfeld. ”I was pretty happy being semi-retired and stupidly wealthy, but Julia, Michael, and Jason, man, they really needed the money and wanted to be on top again. So I guess I’ll come back and star cashing those million-dollar-per-episode checks again. Larry David will produce us once more, and the show will still be about nothing, just nothing set years later. It’s going to be the same exact set, it’s going to be like we never left. The first episode will be about auto-correct and text messages, should be a lot of fun.”

“Kramer’s back baby!” said Michael Richards. ”Thank God Jerry agreed to do it. The best thing is all of us being back together again. We were all part of something special years ago and we never stopped being friends. I don’t care if no one watches, which clearly won’t even be possible, but as long as I get to work with my best friends and those sweet TV paychecks come in, I’ll be happy. Anything that keeps people from remembering that racist tirade I went on a few years back. Oh damn, I brought it up again, didn’t I? Er – Seinfeld! Yeah!”

“It’s sad that they have to keep rehashing these old shows,” said film and TV critic Carmine Classi. ”With all the crap on TV today though, I’m really looking forward to Seinfeld coming back this fall. Dreyfus, Richards, and Alexander all sucked on solo projects, but together they at least make a passible show. It may be about nothing, but plenty of people watched Jersey Shore, and that’s not exactly about anything, either. Personally, I think Jerry Seinfeld deserves a Nobel Peace Prize or something for making this happen.”

 

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy ‘Racist, Old White Folks’

Oscar Ceremony To Add ‘Best Black Actor’ Category; NAACP Calls Academy 'Racist, Old White Folks'

 

HOLLYWOOD, California –

The February 22nd Academy Awards will have a new category this year, announced very late in the awards season. The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has given into pressure from Hollywood insider groups, and will be adding a ‘Best Black Actor’ awards.  

“This years nominees for Best Black Actor are going to be Ice Cube for Ride Along, Tyler Perry for The Single Mom’s Club, Marlon Wayons for A Haunted House 2 and Jamie Foxx for Annie,” said Academy Chairman Adam Horowitz. ”None of these movies deserve any awards in the slightest, but the Academy does not want to be viewed as ‘racist’ by only nominating white movies and white actors. We’d rather give away an award to someone undeserving that risk riots and looting from any angry blacks watching.”

“I personally picked the nominees, those guys crack me up,” said Reverend Al Sharpton. “This year, they only had time to add in the one award last minute. The good news is, next year there will be 25 additional Black awards, bringing the ceremony to an approximate 6 hours. I feel it’s important to have separate categories, because if everyone was treated equally all the time, I wouldn’t have a job.”

“Aren’t we all just people, can’t we be judge equally?” asked film critic Carmine Classi. ”So there weren’t any great black actors or black movies this year – it happens. With this bullshit happening, I think it’s clear the only racism left in America is the racism Al Sharpton creates.”

“The Academy have always just been racist, old white folks,” said NAACP member Jeremiah Rogers. “Al Sharpton thinks that he’s adding something to the ceremony, but really, he’s segregating it. To be honest, most African-Americans want nothing to do with Al Friggin’ Sharpton. And we sure as hell want nothing to do with winning a ‘black award.'”

 

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked ‘Off The Books’ Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

President Obama: Undocumented Immigrants Who Worked 'Off The Books' Can Still File Taxes, Get A Refund

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Obama is making waves this morning after announcing an extremely controversial decision that will causes massive changes and government payouts for immigrants, this time allowing illegals to file taxes to get a refund. Illegal aliens who worked ‘off the books’ throughout 2014 will be able to get refunds on taxes they would have paid. The President says he will allow them to use the honor system, and that illegal immigrants can file using an approximation of their earned income.

We need to stop treating undocumented immigrants like second class people, we are better than that,” said President Obama. ”These hard working men and women are forced to work off the books, in the shadows of our employment systems. Just because they didn’t pay into the State or Federal government like people normally do with taxes withheld from their paychecks, does not mean they don’t deserve to have their refunds.”

“Because undocumented aliens won’t be receiving a W-2 form, these workers will be allowed to estimate how much they got paid in 2014,” said White House press secretary Joe Myers. “Their refund will be based on their estimate and how much would of been withheld if they actually paid taxes. We estimate that these people, who in many cases have risked life-and-limb to make it to the United States, would not risk lying about their income to increase a return. We have faith in all undocumented immigrants.”

“Apparently Obama does not understand how taxes work, or where the refunds are coming from,” said Senator Ted Cruz.” Well, I do, and if you have no state and federal taxes withheld, you don’t get a refund. He’s just giving them free money, and he’s buying democratic votes with this plan. The problem is the money isn’t free, it’s coming right from the pockets of hard working Americans. When I’m elected President, I’ll make it so uncomfortable for illegals, they will be climbing the fence back into Mexico.”

 

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