CIA Picking Up Terrorist Chatter, Warns Of Valentine’s Day Attacks On American Soil

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

CIA Director John Brennan warned today of that the CIA and Homeland Security have been picking up increasing terrorist chatter over the past several months. Director Brennan spoke of possible suicide bomber attacks in all 50 states, with all signs pointing towards attacks happening on Valentine’s Day.

“We are seeing a lot of internet terrorist activity, all pointing at major suicide bombing attacks on February 14th,” said Brennan. “All major cities should be on high alert, and on the lookout for suicide bombers. We are not sure why Valentine’s Day is being talked about specifically, as it has no significance in the Muslim world. The best we can figure out is that they know restaurants, movie theatres, and porno shops will be crowded, making them high value targets for the bombers. Wait, are there still porno shops around?”

Muslim gas station attendant, Mofak Aswad, said “It’s not easy being in America on Valentine’s day. There’s a lot pressure to have a date, or be with someone you love. It’s not easy for me, and I love America, I can only imagine how a lonely terrorist feels. Muhammad promises 72 virgins for those who kill in his name – oh, how I envy the suicide bombers, man those guys are going to get lucky!”

“If I wasn’t in jail, I would blow myself up, just so I wouldn’t be alone on Valentine’s day,” said Gitmo detainee Haid D’Salaami. “I’m hoping Obama lets me go in time, because I can’t bare the thought of another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would gladly blow up myself and all you Godless infidels just to get my hands on those virgins the Prophet promises. Praise Allah!”

Edward Norton Overdoses On Heroin While Researching A Film Role

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Famous Hollywood actor Edward Norton was hospitalized this morning after reportedly overdosing on heroin. Norton claims he is researching a role in an upcoming film in which he plays an heroin addict.

“When I take on a role, I take it all the way,” said Norton. “For Fight Club I learned to fight; I even went to bars and picked fights with guys just to get experience. For American History X, I bulked up and joined a skinhead group all in the name of research. Now that I’m going to play an heroin addict, it should come as no surprise to people that I started using heroin, only for research of course. I didn’t mean to overdose, but I guess thats part of the learning curve of being an addict. I’ve got to say, heroin is really, really good. I guess that’s how I ended up using too much, in the name of research. I want to thank all my fans for their well wishes and I’ll be alright once I get out of the hospital, so I can continue to research my role some more.”

“I have no idea what he is talking about,” said Norton’s agent, Saul Ruben. ”If there was a movie deal I would know about it. I certainly didn’t get him the deal. I find it a little odd that he’s researching something that no one has heard of. I’ll tell you though – he’s as method as they come. Seriously. For Death To Smoochy, he used to really wear his purple suit around, months at a time, and would only talk to children. He also beat the shit out of Robin Williams on a regular basis, just to keep them hating each other. He’s an extreme actor.”

“His career was in the toilet until Birdman came out last year, and now he’s on the fast track to win an Oscar. I was hoping he was making a comeback,” said movie critic Carmine Classi. ”Maybe he’s on to something, though. Next time my wife catches me cheating, I’ll tell her I’m researching infidelity.”

NBC Nightly News Anchor Brian Williams Claims He Shot Osama Bin Laden

Posted on February 8, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK, New York –

News reporter Brian Williams, who was recently caught in allegedly lying or embellishing news reports of things he saw on assignment – including those about being shot down in a helicopter during the invasion of Iraq – has made another shocking claim. After what critics have called a ‘lame apology,’ Williams is now saying that while on assignment in 2011 in Pakistan, that he is the one that fired the bullet that killed Osama Bin Laden.

“I was on assignment with the SEALS when we got the green light to take down Bin Laden,” said Williams. “Flying over Pakistan towards the compound, the SEALS were nervous, luckily they all looked up to me, so I just smiled at them and said ‘this is what we train for, boys!’ After landing in the compound, I was the first man through the door, I shot one of Bin Laden’s guards and one of his wives, then I let SEAL Team Six finish the sweep of the first floor.”

Williams claims that he was left alone to check the rest of the building, but that he was happy to do it, because it meant that the SEAL team didn’t have to face would could have been certain death.

“Heading up the stairs, I could see the fear in the eyes of the SEAL team, so I said ‘don’t worry boys, I got this this,’ and headed up alone. When I got to Bin Laden’s room, I kicked in the door and found him hiding in the corner. I just leveled my gun and said, ‘this is for the NBC Nightly News BITCH!’ and put a round between his eyes. I couldn’t have done it without SEAL Team Six, but I feel relieved to finally get it off my chest. It’s just like when I won the medal of honor in Vietnam. Or maybe it was in Korea. Actually, I think it was both. Yeah, it was both. This was just as exciting as that.”

Most viewers say that they feel sorry for Williams, and that he may have some sort of disorder that forces him to lie uncontrollably.

“Personally, I think Brian has a problem, in that he needs to feel important,” said psychologist Mark Cartman, who does not treat Williams. ”I think with years of therapy and some heavy doses of medication, he can get that whole, you know, embellishing problem fixed.”

“What’s next, is he going to tell us he’s Santa Claus?” asked NBC Nightly News buff Carmine Classi. ”Get this meathead off the air, he obviously has no credibility. I’d rather watch the reanimated corpse of Walter Cronkite report the news. That man had class!”

Amazon To Begin Selling Marijuana, Methamphetamine Through Online Store

Posted on February 2, 2015 by Abe Abrams

SEATTLE, Washington –

Amazon.com, America’s largest online marketplace, announced plans to begin selling marijuana and Methamphetamine to states where the drugs are legal. Shares of Amazon rose 15% on the news, and analysts predict this will be a huge income opportunity for Amazon.

”We are going to test marijuana sales in Colorado starting immediately. The good news is all marijuana sales will be prime eligible, so you will only have to wait two days for your pot,” said Amazon CEO, Jeff Bezos. “Our research shows most pot users don’t like leaving their houses, so having it delivered right to their doorstep will be a big selling point. We are also offering our own line of Methamphetamine that will be called ‘Amazon Highs’. ‘ Amazon Highs’ will be just under the illegal dosage, making them sellable in all states. The pot and the ‘Amazon Highs’ should be big sellers with the young people, so we are looking forward to huge profits.”

“Not leaving my house for drugs, getting high legally…Shit, I love living in Colorado,” said town stoner Matt Kelly. ”Amazon is the best. I mean it’s a big corporation so I should hate it, but how can I hate a business that brings me my drugs?”

Not to be outdone in the drug-delivery game, Dominos Pizza has announced that they, too, are looking into selling marijuana with their other products, promising a 30-minute guaranteed delivery. Chuck Edwards, regional manager of Dominos says, “It makes perfect sense, because our pizza tastes better when you’re stoned. Our research shows that stoners don’t think far enough in advance to order their pot two days prior to needing it, so the 30 minute guarantee will have the kids calling us instead of Amazon.”

‘Sleepless In Seattle’ Remake Announced Starring Colin Hanks And Meg Ryan

Posted on February 1, 2015 by Abe Abrams

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Miramax announced today a remake or the 1993 hit film Sleepless in Seattle, and Meg Ryan has already signed on to the project. Filming is expected to begin in early spring.

“We are excited to remake Sleepless, and add in a little modern day twist,” said Louis DeCarlo, Miramax Executive. ”Meg Ryan will be playing her original role as Annie Reed, but now she is a 53-year-old widower. Her daughter, without her knowledge, will sign her up on a cougar dating site. Of the hundreds of replies one will stick out, a 37-year-old man from Seattle, played by Colin Hanks. Thats all I want to give away now, but I can tell you there will be a meeting on top of the Empire State Building on Valentine’s day.”

“I’m really excited to make this film over again. To be honest, my phone’s not exactly ringing off the hook anymore with starring roles,” said Meg Ryan. ”In Hollywood, once you lose your looks, all thats left to play is the nosy neighbor or a crazy cat lady. Or I suppose, in this case, a cougar.”

“This is my biggest role yet,” said Colin Hanks, when asked about preparing for the remake. “It’s been hard, sometimes, living in my father’s [Tom Hanks] shadow. This was a big hit for Dad, so I’m really hoping this remake launches my career to the next level.”

“Why don’t they leave classics alone for God’s sake?” said online reviewer and movie buff Carmine Classi. ”I mean, come on – Meg Ryan? I think we would all like to remember her as young, sex, and great jerk-off material. She’s aged worse than a pig in shit, or whatever that metaphor is. I can tell you right now, it ain’t pretty. I’d believe her as a cougar, but I don’t believe Colin Hanks as an interested young man.”

meg-ryan-hot — Meg Ryan circa 1993, when the original ‘Sleepless In Seattle’ was released

Obama Mandates Muslim Sensitivity Training Starting In Elementary School

Posted on January 30, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Schools that want to keep their federal funding will now have to teach Muslim sensitivity, according to reports from the White House. The mandate, signed by President Obama on Thursday afternoon, calls for all students starting at the elementary level to take classes on the importance of being sensitive towards Muslims. Critics claim that this is another wasteful program, and another extreme example of Obama’s overreach.

“The time has come for Americans to be more sensitive to the Muslim religion,” President Obama said to reporters in a speech from the White House. ”With sensitivity training starting in elementary schools, we are guaranteeing a more sensitive generation. The Muslim religion is not like other religions, and the Muslim people are extremely sensitive whenever someone jokes, mocks, or even misunderstands their religion. We want all children to know that it’s okay to make fun of Jews and Catholics, because they know how to take a joke. Muslims can’t take a joke, as they don’t know joy or humor. So it’s important for us to change as Americans in order to make the Muslims happy.”

“Why should we change? Why don’t them damn Muslims take an improv class or something, and learn how to take a joke?” said Senator Ted Cruz after the announcement by Obama. ”We’re Americans, and this country is at its greatest when we’re being politically incorrect and taking jabs at people who are different. I remember even Bugs Bunny got to call Japanese people slants and gooks in the cartoons of my era. Damn, those were the good old days. When I’m President I promise to offend everybody, every day, the way it should be – the way it used to be!”

Supreme Court Finds ‘Happy Endings’ To Be Legitimate Massage Procedure

Posted on January 29, 2015 by Abe Abrams

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Supreme Court case of Ming’s House of Pleasure v. The state of Maine has ruled in favor of Ming’s in a shocking 7-3 vote. The Supreme Court of The United States has ruled that “happy endings” can be considered a legitimate massage procedure, and in no way should be considered prostitution.

”This case has been a court favorite for a while now,” said Court reporter Luis DeJesus. “The Justices asked to hear testimony from all 15 of Ming’s massage therapists. The early goings of the case did not look good for Ming, but the turning point of the case came when Ming offered the justices each a free massage.”

“The day of the free massage was the only time I ever saw Ruth smile,” said Ruth Ginsburg aide Sarah Nicole. ”I knew the men would enjoy it, but who knew the old girl was a freak?”

“The happy ending was a real pleasure,” said Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas. “I had my reservations, but once I experienced it, I had a change of heart. I can see how it’s the perfect ending to a relaxing massage. To think this was considered prostitution is outrageous. Now that I’ve experienced it, I can’t think of anything more natural than a good ol’ fashioned to finish off a good deep tissue massage.”

“Well, it’s about time those old bastards finally got something right,” said frequent Ming’s patron Carmine Classi. ”Now my wife can’t give me hell when I go to Chinatown for a little release. Shit, now that it’s legal and I don’t have to worry about the cops busting in, I’ll probably go 3 or 4 times a week instead of my usual 2.”

Facebook Announces Plans To Start Charging Users For Likes, Shares

Posted on January 28, 2015 by Abe Abrams

MENLO PARK, California –

CEO Mark Zuckerberg made an official announcement this morning, outlining the plans for Facebook’s new business model. According to reports, Facebook will start to charge for ‘Likes’ and ‘Shares’ in an effort to increase their already massive revenue.

“I know people aren’t going to like it at first, but I owe it to shareholders to keep increasing profits,” said Zuckerberg. ”Charging for users to Like and Share is just the next obvious step in the progression of the company. The good news is, that with a billion active users, we don’t have to charge a lot to make a lot. We are planning, currently, on 2 cents to Like something, and 5 cents to share. These numbers should more than double our revenue. Coming in the next several weeks, all users will see a notification, asking them to link a PayPal or Google Wallet account to their Facebook page.”

“We always said the service would remain free – but we never said anything about the separate things you can do with the service. But, just think how much more special you will feel when someone likes that stupid picture you posted of your dinner last night, knowing that it cost them a couple cents,” said the head of product development for Facebook, Joey Goldsmith. “Or maybe you made a witty comment, probably something you stole from Workaholics, but your buddy Joe shares it. That share just cost him a nickel, so it’s now obvious – You’re the man!”

“I tend to like lots of comments, including my own, each day,” said Facebook user Jorge Pell. “I don’t think being charged will slow me down, liking comments is what I’m about, a few bucks a day won’t get me to change my online lifestyle.”

“Personally, I love sharing funny animal videos – my friends call me ‘the funny animal video lady’,” said Debbie Ranch, who has had a Facebook page for just over 6 months. ”Sharing funny animal videos is my life, and it makes me feel good, so no amount of money will ever get me to stop.”

If the product continues to thrive, Zuckerberg says that next year, users can expect to pay 10 cents to leave comments on posts, and 15 to 25 cents for Facebook game privileges.

Tom Brady’s Wife Gisele Bündchen Says She’ll Sleep With Super Bowl MVP

Posted on January 27, 2015 by Abe Abrams

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts –

Tom Brady’s supermodel wife, Gisele Bündchen, has reportedly put her body where her mouth is. After the Patriot’s crushing loss to the Giants in Super Bowl XLVI, Brady’s wife says that she is offering the team an incentive to step up their game for this year – by offering to sleep with the MVP when the Pats win.

“I want my husband to get his fourth Super Bowl ring,” said Bündchen. ”I’m hoping by offering to sleep with the MVP, the rest of the team will work as hard as Tom always does. Tom wants to win too, of course, and I know he’s behind this decision. The whole idea really gets the team fired up. Plus, Tom’s pretty confident that when they win, which they obviously will, that he will be the MVP. Secretly, it’s the only reason that I’m even doing this. I wouldn’t sleep with a football player if I wasn’t already married to one. Plus, my God, can you imagine sleeping with anyone on the Seahawks? Yikes. It does help, too, that Tom’s the sexiest hunk to ever wear pads.”

“Well I know as far as I’m concerned, I’m definitely going to play harder,” said New England’s Rob Gronkowski. ”Personally, I’d really to showing Gisele why it is that I’m a tight end.”

“Gisele is a real team player, and she is going to make this victory extremely sweet,” said Brady. “In all honesty, there’s no doubt in my mind that I will be MVP, so I really don’t care about this whole ‘announcement’ anyway. I supported her because, hell, it’s just nice to see the team fired up for once. Plus, all this talk about my smoking hot wife really takes your mind off deflated balls, if you know what I mean.”

Scientists Warn Blizzard Set To Hit Northeast Contains Radioactive Snow

Posted on January 26, 2015 by Abe Abrams

ISLIP, New York –

As if 20 inches of snow wasn’t enough to worry about, scientist at the Brookhaven National Lab warn that this deadly amount of snow will also be highly radioactive. Fallout from the Fukushima nuclear disaster of 2011 has finally reached the Northeast of America, and it’s coming in the form of heavy, wet snow set to cover most of the Eastern United States.

“We have been tracking the radiation since the disaster of the Fukushima meltdown in 2011, and to be honest, it could not have reached the country at a worse time,” said Chief Scientist Michael Baker. “This week’s blizzard, which is expected to dump 20 to 30 inches of snow, blanketing most of New England and New York, will contain dangerous amounts of radiation. I’m urging all residents affected by the storm to remain indoors. The snow will actually be most dangerous while it’s falling, so do not let the snow touch your skin. Do not shovel or let your children play in the snow. Do not let your pets out into the snow. The safest thing you can do is wait until the snow melts into the ground so the radiation can be absorbed by the earth.”

“I’m strongly recommending all residents to stay indoors while the snow is falling, and a New York state-wide curfew will take effect starting at 3pm, and will continue for the duration of the storm,” said New York Governor Mario Cuomo. “During that time, only police, fire services, and other essential personnel will be allowed on the streets. This is nothing to take lightly – this amount of snow, coupled with the severe radiation, is a life or death matter.”

“Radioactive snow? What am I supposed to do?” asked New Hampshire resident Lisa Jones. ”I’ve got 3 large dogs, and it’s going to take weeks for the snow to melt. I can’t have my dogs just popping a squat throughout the house. God, I’ve got to get the hell out of New England. This is a horror show.”