Doctors Say Michael Jackson’s Amazing Singing Voice Was Result Of Years of Steroid Injections

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GARY, Indiana – Shocking Secret to Michael Jackson’s Vocal Talent Revealed

For music critics, Michael Jackson’s impressive vocal range during his adult career has long been a point of contention – specifically how little it had changed since he left The Jackson 5 at the age of eleven. But the mystery may now be solved.

This morning, the King of Pop’s autopsy results quickly went viral after hackers accessed the UCLA Medical Center database, revealing that as a child, Jackson was regularly injected with glucocorticoids for minor asthma. According to a close friend of the Jackson family, his father Joe administered the drug himself, in excessive doses to preserve his son’s singing ability, with an unfortunate side effect – chemical castration.

After turning 18, Jackson halted treatments. But the damage was done. The drug apparently caused a failure to go through puberty and a lack of testosterone production.

“These findings do explain how Jackson’s voice failed to develop, as well as the absence of body hair,” said Jackson’s former physician and cardiologist Conrad Murray. “That man was devoid of hair from head to toe. It was actually really creepy.”

According to self-proclaimed Psychology expert, Anne Landers, “Paired with his Vitiligo, one can see how the pain of what was done to him led to severe body dysmorphic disorder. Just look at the obvious addiction to plastic surgery.” Jackson is known to have had at least 30 cosmetic surgeries, starting at the age of 13. “The hormonal changes are also known to cause gender identity problems, which explains his efforts to surgically feminize his face, as well as his androgynous appearance, effeminate disposition, and nurturing feelings toward children.”

Long-time friend Reverend Jessie Jackson responded to Landers’ assessment, saying that he completely agreed. “I knew he didn’t hurt those children! Maternal instinct is what it was. That beautiful man wanted to be their mama! People are disgusting to make up those lies about him hurting kids. I would have let him by my mama if I had only know how much pain he was in.”

Seeming to imply that Jackson was indeed chemically castrated, former nurse and ex-wife Debbie Rowe commented, saying “How stupid are people? Why do you think we always covered the kids’ faces? Those brats are whiter than a Klu Klux Klan convention. We even had to dye their hair brown.”

The Jackson family declined to comment.

 

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

LOS ANGELES, California – Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

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As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now –  you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

Republicans Agree Global Warming a ‘Hoax’

WASHINTGON, D.C. –  Republicans Agree Global Warming a 'Hoax'

With sea ice in rapid decline, and following the globe’s hottest September on record, GOP members have been sounding off about their views on global warming, and perhaps no one is a more outspoken critic of the theory than Rep. Dan Benishek of Michigan.

“There is absolutely no evidence that there have been any significant changes in weather patterns,“ said Beniskek at a summit in Grand Rapids, MI, where the typical October climate is between 45° and 61° Fahrenheit.

When it was pointed out that there is significant data published in peer-reviewed journals supporting this phenomenon, and the role that humans have played in causing it, he replied, while wiping perspiration from his brow, “Peer reviewed, yes. But not by my peers. Now if you’ll please excuse me, I’m taking my family to the lake for some water skiing.”

Benishek is not alone on the subject—In a January Energy and Commerce Committee meeting, every Republican voted against the Electricity and Affordability Act, which if passed would carry the condition that the committee accept the reality of climate change and that it’s caused by greenhouse gas pollution.

Rep. Ed Whitfield (R-KY.) of Kentucky, a coal-state, approves. He reportedly stated at a recent press conference, “If God meant for us to not burn fossil fuels, he wouldn’t have given us coal.” He then made his exit as his representative handed him his surgical mask and helped him climb into his hummer.

Senator James Inhofe (R-OK.), whom comedian Jon Stewart famously roasted in June for saying, “[Global warming] is really a hoax,” took to twitter this morning denouncing climate change science altogether.

“Global warming is based on the unfounded doctrine of science. And it’s just a big excuse for Democrats to avoid reconciling our views so we can work together to resolve important bipartisan issues #DenyDenyDeny.”

Empire News reached out to David Donnelly, respected environmentalist and president of nonpartisan group Every Voice, for comment. His response was optimistic. “If the environmental community can convince Republicans that their money won’t mean much after our species is extinct, then it’s possible the partisan lines will fracture and we can prevent many harmful effect of global warming.”

Justin Bieber to Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

NEW YORK CITY, New York – Justin Bieber To Play Little Orphan Annie on Broadway

In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine set to hit the stands in October, Justin Bieber announced that he will be starring in the title role in the beloved classic musical, Annie, on Broadway next year.

Said the young music sensation, “I’m pretty stoked to take a break from the hip hop scene and do what I really love—show tunes.”

He also noted the parallels between the rags-to-riches character and his own shot to wealth and stardom. “Annie really inspired my journey,” he said. “And if she were a real person, I really think she’d be a belieber.”

Bieber revealed that the song, It’s a Hard Knock Life was the reason he chose to break into music to begin with, and even claims that from the moment his mom put in the old VHS during a family fun night, he became convinced that it gave birth to the hip-hop movement as we know it.

“If you think about it,” said Bieber, “hip-hop came from rap, an art form inspired by disenfranchised youth and life on the streets. People think being from a white Canadian family I don’t know about that. But I saw the great classic film Don’t be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. Belieb me. I know.”

Aside from his elation at this career-changing opportunity, which he calls “a dream come true,” he can’t wait to “take a Lamborghini through Times Square at 120.”

At the close of the interview, Bieber stated that proceeds from the production will be donated to a support group for celebrities who have been defamed by the media.

“That’s right homies, the sun will come out tomorrow,” Bieber said, with a fist-bump to the chest. “The Biebs has got all ya’lls back.”

When asked if more gender-bending stage performances could be anticipated in the near future, he replied, “Right now I’m in talks with Alex Timbers to do Anne of Green Gables.”

Tickets go on sale August 1st, 2014.

It’s Official: Former NBC Drama ‘Dracula’ Will Continue As A Netflix Original

PASADENA, California – its official dracula picked up as netflix original

Millions of fans angered and bewildered at NBC’s surprising decision to cancel the popular vampire drama Dracula after just one season can breathe a sigh of relief. This morning Netflix announced their decision to pick up the series for at least a second season.

When questioned about what motivated the decision, Netflix Chief Content Officer Ted Sarandos commented, “Why not pick it up? Gripping, sensual, clever, Dracula is Netflix caliber entertainment and people around the world can’t get enough of it. Now, we’re excited to announce that they won’t have to.”

Since the cancellation announcement, millions of fans took to social media and the blogosphere and circulated petitions to voice their disapproval, pleading with NBC to reconsider. But the network giant has remained generally silent.

In response to what he refers to as “snubbing their viewers,” Netflix CEO Reed Hastings said candidly, “If networks want to alienate their viewers, let them. Our #1 priority is to give our members what they want. If they want Dracula, that’s what they’ll get.”

Talks with the show’s producer and lead actor Jonathan Rhys Meyers began before NBC made the announcement, amid rumors that the network lineup would be changed dramatically, resulting in a significant number of cancellations. Given Dracula’s unideal time slot and lack of effort from the network to adequately promote the show, Meyers and his team were not optimistic.

Said Hastings about the deal, “when the announcement was made public, we were flooded with letters from members asking us to pick up the show. From then on it was a done deal. We negotiated terms, completed scheduling and we’re set to start production in October.”

Meyers is thrilled about this major win, saying, “I put my blood, sweat and tears into this project at significant risk to my career, on what I knew to be a story of incredible originality and beauty. I can’t express how excited I am to continue Dracula’s journey.”

The release date has not been announced, however Netflix members can expect all season episodes to be made available in late 2015.

Steve Burke, the CEO of NBC did not immediately respond to requests for comments.

President Obama to Star in Hollywood Feature Film

WASHINGTON, D.C. – president obama to star in hollywood feature film

While his second presidential term is approaching an end, his career in the spotlight is certainly not, as it has been announced by Lionsgate Films that Barack Obama will star in their long-anticipated sequel to Eddie Murphy’s 1988 hit comedy, Coming to America.

The title of the film, slated for a 2018 release, is Coming to Zamunda, in which the character, President Obama as himself, travels to Zamunda, the fictional African home country of Murphy’s Crown Prince Akeem Joffer.

The comedy will take place after first lady Michelle Obama is accidentally killed by a stray bullet on a visit overseas. It will feature a widower Obama traveling to Africa—without the secret service—in the hopes of becoming more independent and finding a new bride who “arouses his mind as well as his loins” among his ancestral people in the infectious disease tents.

“The movie is bound to be just a gas,” wrote Obama’s publicist, “The sheer originality of reversing the hilarious fish-out-of-water story from the first film, combined with the president’s own personal experience as a boy of privilege and education working in the slums of Chicago? It’s a perfect match.”

A statement released by Lionsgate stated that Murphy, alongside Coming to America co-stars Arsenio Hall and James Earl Jones will make cameo appearances, and John Landis will return to direct the sequel.

When asked at a recent press conference if he really believed it would be plausible for a former U.S. president to start a film acting career after leaving office, Obama said, “Yes we CAN.”

Hollywood Shocker: ‘Gilligan’s Island’ Star Turns Out To Be Zodiac Killer

HOLLYWOOD, California – gilligan's island star Russell Johnson Discovered To Be Zodiac Killer

In a scandal that has stunned the world, the late Russell Johnson, known for his role as Professor Roy Hinkley on the popular sitcom Gilligan’s Island, has been identified as the infamous Zodiac Killer. Johnson died of kidney failure this past January.

Notorious in the late 1960s and early 1970s for the grisly murders of at least 6 people and a slew of threatening letters to the San Francisco Chronicle, the serial killer has, until now, never been identified.

According to detectives who have been on the case since it was reopened in March of 2007, “It’s no coincidence that the murders began in 1969, one year following the final episode of Gilligan’s Island. It’s obvious now, that between sporadic TV and film appearances, [Johnson] satisfied his sick obsession for fame by dominating headlines with his murderous activities. The man was literally hiding in plain sight.”

Now, more than 40 years after narrowly escaping his own death at the hands of the Zodiac Killer, 60-year old Bryan Hartnell happened to be in the right place at the right time – the Cook Family Funeral Home in Bainbridge, Washington, at the exact moment Johnson’s remains arrived from the morgue. In the most bizarre coincidence of all, Bryan Hartnell was the embalmer assigned to prepare Johnson for his funeral.

“It chilled me to the core,” said Hartnell. “Right away I knew I’d seen that face somewhere.” He immediately called the police.

Agents notified Johnson’s wife of 32 years, Constance, who said tearfully in a recent statement, “His family would say that he was a little ‘funny’ after the war, but I always thought they meant he had a better sense of humor.”

SWAT teams immediately surrounded his mansion and police tracked down Johnson’s daughter Kim for questioning. Johnson’s body was quickly exhumed for DNA testing. When compared to samples taken from letters allegedly sent by the Zodiac Killer in the late 60s, it was a positive match. According to handwriting expert Lloyd Cunningham, who’s worked on the Zodiac case for decades, the handwriting in the letters and Johnson’s autograph were also a perfect match.

“The nail in the coffin,” said Zodiac expert Robert Greysmith, “was the fact that Johnson’s down-streak finally ended and he was busy at work shooting the miniseries Vanished between 1971 and 1972—precisely when the Zodiac stopped sending letters.”

George Mueller, the Judge presiding over the case found Russell Johnson guilty of the crimes and sentenced him to 100 years in prison without parole. His body will be interred to the Washington State Penitentiary Cemetery to serve his sentence retroactively, and his acting credit will be removed from all future broadcasts of Gilligan’s Island reruns.

Drastic Changes Ahead For ‘The Walking Dead’ In Season 5

RABUN COUNTY, Georgia – big changes ahead for the walking dead in season 5

As the ratings continue to diminish each season, AMC’s The Walking Dead creator and executive producer Robert Kirkman has made a move that will stun viewers and, hopefully, change the fate of the ailing series.

In a dramatic departure from the hit graphic novel series, the character of sheriff’s Deputy Rick Grimes will no longer be American. Kirmkan has decided that now Grimes will be a former British-national posing as a King’s County, Georgia native under the witness protection program.

While a severe departure from the main storyline of the graphic novels, according to Kirkman the decision was necessary for the survival of the series.

“We were getting way too much feedback from fans that Andrew Lincoln’s Rick Grimes was not charismatic enough to carry the show. What were we going to do, fire  the guy who played Egg in This Life? Short of bringing Jon Bernthal back as Shane’s twin brother, this was the only way.”

Kirkman elaborated by saying that he didn’t think that the massive change would really phase most long-time viewers, but that the storyline would have a more ‘universal appeal’ to people who had not watched the show at all yet. They also were struggling to pay for dialect coaches for Lincoln, who is an English actor playing a Southern lawman.

“The bottom line is, trying to maintain an American accent as a British man while squinting a lot and conveying the agony of a man with the whole apocalyptic world on his shoulders is no small task for anyone. So we decided to give Andrew a break so he can really cut loose and bring new life to the character.”

Regarding where the plot is headed, Kirkman remains tight-lipped. However he did hint that Grimes will reveal his true identity to his band of fellow survivors at some point during the season premiere, and will coincide with Daryl’s realization of his latent attraction to “men from across the pond,” about which actor Norman Reedus is ecstatic.

“I get so tired of everyone asking me, ‘who is Daryl going to have a romantic storyline with,“ said Reedus, “Carol? Beth? It’s a huge relief to have that whole mess resolved.”

The official release date, set for later this month has not yet been announced.

Fortune 500 Company Executive Speaks Out Against Sexism in the Workplace

LOS ANGELES, California – fortune 500 exectuive speaks out against sexism in workplace

A Senior Vice-President at a prominent Fortune 500 Los Angeles firm wrote in an email to the L.A. Times that he is “fed up” with sexism in the workplace. The executive, who asked that his company not be named, and signed the email simply as “Howard,” has some extreme examples for what he feels would be a positive step to eliminating sexism in the workplace.

“It’s gotten downright out of control,” Howard writes in his letter to the Times. “Whenever I express myself in an aggressive way, I’m perceived as an ass—-. But when a woman is aggressive, people say she’s just ‘assertive.’”

“What’s worse,” he continues, “is the ‘glass ceiling’ debacle. As a direct result of Janine over in Corporate Finance beating me out of my promotion to CEO, I can’t afford to install the skylight I’ve always wanted on the fourth floor of my Summer estate. It’s so depressing I can’t bring myself to vacation there. Just this once, I wanted a damn glass ceiling.”

Apparently it isn’t just Howard suffering a financial strain as a result of corporate sexism—it’s also his company. He claims that, “It’s one thing for women to take our jobs, but equal pay too? The amount we are paying our female staff has led to budget cuts resulting in my flying business class instead of first class on business trips, and I’m forced to stay in dismal 4-star accommodations that don’t even have a minibar.”

Howard also points out the undue consideration given his female colleagues when it comes to the use of office space, citing as an example the recent conversion of the office billiards room to a breast-feeding room: “Why can’t we just buy a porta-potty for that? Isn’t how they do it at football games?”

He continues, arguing that sexism is forcing men to settle for traditionally “male” roles such as a blacksmith or a shoeshine boy.

The contents of Howard’s email, however, didn’t contain mere complaints—He also proposed a solution to what he deems this “silent epidemic.”

“Simply put,” he states, “all of these issues can be stopped in their tracks and prevented by placing a ban on ‘Bring Your Daughter to Work Day’ in corporate workplaces. If they don’t know about work, they can’t eventually get into the workplace. Easy-peasy.”

Howard says that he plans to start a Facebook page dedicated to the movement he refers to as MESI (Men for the End of Sexual Injustice).

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