New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

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CONCORD, New Hampshire – New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

One of America’s largest convenience store chains, 7-11, has announced this morning a new item being added to their selection. Joining the company’s flagship Big Gulp cups will be their new size, named the X-Gulp by 7-11 marketing director Bill Hellman.

The 32 ounce Big Gulp remains the most popular size at 7-11 for soda and fountain drinks, with the price staying steadily below a dollar, even during harsh economic times. Seducing more customers every day, The Super Big Gulp, reaching 44 ounces, is also available or those who need an extra kick to their drink. The Double Gulp, which doubles the Big Gulp’s 32 ounce size to a whopping 64 ounces, wholly satisfies the predominant American population.

Recently announced by 7-11, the X-Gulp will be released this fall, marking an even 150 ounces, more than 5 times the size of the Big Gulp, and containing almost 2 gallons of liquid. The cup size is that of a small bucket, and even has a handle for ease in carrying. Already concerned with getting the most ‘bang for their buck,’ some cost-weary customers are concerned that the price will be too high.

“I can assure everyone, the price for the X-Gulp will be in line with our other sizes,” said Hellman. “The standard Big Gulp is .99 cents at most 7-11 stores. The X-Gulp will actually cost only around $3, less than you’d pay at your local movie theatre for a third of what we’re offering.”

Many consumers are already questioning the absurdity of the product size, rightfully concerned about the cup will fitting in standard drink holders that are found in cars. Despite the concern, though, many 7-11 regulars and purported ‘Big Gulp Aficionados’ are looking forward to the next new size.

“If it comes down to it, I’ll just put the damn cup between my legs once I’m on the road,” said Joe Goldsmith, self-proclaimed Big Gulp Super-fan. “All of the condensation on the outside of the cup might leave an embarrassing mark on my pants, but who cares? When you can get that much soda for such a small price, looking like you’ve pissed yourself should be the least of your worries.”

“I personally think the size is ridiculous,” said Margret Pilsner, president of the Obesity Epidemic Foundation. “Americans are already too fat, and this is just adding to the cause. No one needs 150 ounces of soda in a sitting. My God, you don’t even need that much water in a sitting. I can feel the diabetes killing me just imagining it.”

7-11 representatives say the new size will be made available by the end of September at stores nationwide.

 

A Simple Solution To End Ludicrous Violence

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It comes as no surprise to anyone that our world is terribly rife with violent crime. Homicides, genocides, mass murders, and the whole bunch that continually darkens the people. For years now, the government and eager individuals have attempted to conjure countless possible solutions to gun control, or possessing less violence as a whole. Even when these attempts have been made, the issue proceeds to breathe. Very unfortunate, indeed. Lives are at stake, the 2nd Amendment is meeting controversy, and criminals are taking charge with the power of weaponry and the taste for greed, blood, and candy. Yet, I have come with a helpful solution that could solve it all.

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Here is my consideration: instead of manufacturing weapons with bullets, the alternative load outs should be designed with none other than liquid. Liquid, such as water, will bring little to absolutely no lives taken. Instead of spurring out blood from the victim, laughter will be evoked. Imagine all of the SMGs, assault rifles, handguns, and whatever teenagers dream of having due to their addictions of Call of Duty and Jason Statham be turned into realistic weaponry with the inside being concealed with water, or some other liquid that can be deliciously consumed.

An anonymous group of politics have taken the idea into their hands and intend on bringing forth the idea to Congress for truthful consideration. The main issue would be the police and military forces; how would they protect us? Same deal: provide them the same liquid weaponry.

No more school shootings, no more war, no more gang fights, blood should be permanently replaced with laughter, or confusion because no one would assume that they would be shot with water guns.

I can see this as a comical notion, yet I believe that it is effective at best. Clowns, pranksters, and unnecessary YouTube stars would go either become famous or instantly go out of business. At this point, who would truly give care either way? We are trying to save lives here, people! Plus, comic weaponry (BANG! with the flag, bubbles, fireworks) would still be in existence. Let them keep that for their God blessed careers.

Finally, and wholly truthful, to whom it may concern, I am very positive about this solution. Laughter is the best medicine (aside from morphine)! Our humble children shouldn’t be witnessing spilled blood on the evening news, they should be seeing people laugh from the usage of water weaponry that are secretly intended for malice behavior. The kids do not need to know that. Let’s fix this world together!

 

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