NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 
Investigators have officially identified the remains of bones that were discovered buried under the lawn surrounding Nashville’s replica of the Parthenon as that of Jimmy Hoffa, the Teamsters Union president who mysteriously disappeared in 1975.
“They’re not exactly bones that we found,” said Detective Evan Hoodunett. “We found parts – lots of tiny, chopped parts of bones. This guy didn’t go easy. I haven’t even seen something this bad in a mafia movie, let alone the hundreds of real mafia murder crimes I’ve witnessed or researched.”
For decades, the whereabouts of Hoffa’s remains were an unknown, and were widely speculated and discussed. Most theorists were certain he was kidnapped and murdered by the mafia, who at the time were a large part of the Teamsters and worker’s unions across the country. It had been speculated that they drove Hoffa to New Jersey, Florida, or Georgia and hid his body. Some were certain his remains were somewhere in Detroit, not far from where he was last seen outside the restaurant Machus Red Fox.
Yet still other, more bizarre theories exist. In researching this article, it was discovered that there are at least three people on the Internet who claim that the Coen brothers got their wood chipper scene idea in the well-known film Fargo from first-hand knowledge of, and involvement in, Hoffa’s death. No explanation was given as to why, or how, that would even be possible.
“Yeah, it takes all kinds of guesses, theories, and weirdos to really keep a story like this alive for the better part of 40 years,” said Hoodunett. “I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t said that Hoffa was abducted by aliens or something, by this point. There were just so many crazies out there with their arm-chair detective skills.”
As far-fetched as the Hoffa theories got, absolutely no one predicted Nashville’s Parthenon as a possibility.
“These wise guys, or, er – I mean, whoever it might have been that did him in, really did an impressive job,” said Hoodunett. “Not only did they get away with murdering a prominent public figure of that time, but they left the entire lawn where they buried his chopped up body parts spotless. We never looked here before the tip, because it was totally clean and completely random, a location that had absolutely no connection to the victim or suspects. It’s like, having red wine with burritos. Who does that?”
Family and friends of Hoffa are uneasy now that they know for certain the details of the brutality of his murder, though a select few commented that they were relieved now that they know he “got what he deserved.” Hoffa had been declared dead in absentia in 1982.
