Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia ‘Good For Publicity’

Museum Says Shootings In Tunisia 'Good For Publicity'

OAKLAND, California – 

With the recent museum shooting in Tunisia, many museums stateside are seeing increased traffic. The Oakland Museum of California in particular came forth to talk about the shooting and its hopes for the future.

“My thoughts go out all those affected by the shooting – but it’s been great for business. People have a renewed sense of appreciation of the importance of museums, even if it’s superficial and based on sensationalism,” a representative from OMCA said in an interview.

“I’m not saying I want it to happen, but a shooting is incredible for publicity – maybe if the gunmen are just really drunk or have bad aim and don’t take any lives?” he added.

While his words may be met with an incredulous glance at first, a closer look reveals them to be true. Each year fewer people visit historical, art, and educational museums, leaving many of them with no option but to close their doors. The culprit: apathy of the new generation. When something dramatic happens, however, people suddenly regain interest.

OMCA recently dedicated a research team to this effect which they termed “Hipster Empathy.”

“Thanks to social media, whenever something happens, people gobble up the headlines in an attempt to seem cultured,” the head of the team explained. “We originally thought one of two things: either they make the connection that visiting a museum will ACTUALLY make them more cultured, or the faint possibility of danger makes it seem more exciting,” the head of the team explained.

In the end, the team leaned more toward a subconscious link to the shooting in Tunisia, adding that explosions or some kind of blatant racism would have been more exciting and could make the effect stronger.

Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

Adding Cheese To All Foods In Your Diet Could Be Great Way To Die Young

CARSONVILLE, Iowa – 

With retirement funds disappearing, job security becoming a myth, debilitating diseases running rampant, and old age divorces at an all time high, early deaths are becoming an attractive prospect for many resourceful men and women. This presents several problems, of course: pain, effort leading up to death, and possibly unpaid life insurance – not to mention open caskets and closure for family members. The solution is surprisingly simple: cheese.

By eating cheese with or for every meal, depending on the starting age, one could expect to die as young as 23 – the ideal age for college-goers who do not wish to experience the soulcrushing rigors of normal adult life. The cause of death will most likely be stroke or heart attack.

While these are not without pain, they are much less painful than other methods. Furthermore, eating cheese often is an easy, snowballing method that requires no effort; in fact, since cheese is such a varied and great tasting food, it can even be fun. It is a nonviolent way to go, leaving families with better chances for closure, an open casket, less likelihood for life insurance denial, and less likelihood to chicken out at the last second.

Experts say as much as a single ounce every other day is enough for many, but to be sure, an ounce per day or more is suggested. Many people, Americans especially, consume this amount on a daily basis without even realizing it; all that’s needed is to stop exercising and perhaps drink less water, which certainly isn’t a problem for the USA.

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

Israel Does More Stuff That Americans Pretend To Care About

JERUSALEM, Israel – 

BREAKING NEWS: leaders in Israel are currently doing stuff, things, and other stuff. As news of this reaches the United States, many citizens are shocked, outraged, proud, happy, and unsurprised.

Empire News took to the streets to hear what people have to say about the most recent actions of That One Guy, the Prime Minister of Israel.

“It’s crazy,” Rajesh, 22, said, “The way they treat their people is just unacceptable… I have such strong opinions about this.”

We asked Rajesh for a more in-depth explanation of his thoughts, to which he simply kept responding “It’s crazy” or “really shocking.”

Another young mind had a different take on it, though: “I think it’s great that they’re making progress with, like, social issues, and peace and stuff,” Anita, 19, said.

With each interviewee, we conducted a short poll:

Roughly 80% of responders said they saw headlines of new events in Israel on Facebook but didn’t actually read the articles. 98% agreed that pretending to be knowledgeable of current events in Israel made them seem more worldly, cool, intelligent, and sensitive. Less than 1% actually had any idea what they were talking about, and finally, 100% of all responders said they weren’t sure if it was the country of Israel or Isis, or if either of those were even countries.

As sensational headlines fill social media, millions of Americans continue to pour out their cocktail of emotional support for anyone and everyone they possibly can. That One Guy is expected to do another thing in the near future, which already has many making vague and embarrassingly uneducated comments.

Texas Family Fined For Not Removing Christmas Lights From Outside Home

christmas

SAN ANTONIO, Texas –

In a monumental decision by the State of Texas, a new law has been enacted that resulted in one family being fined $12,000 for leaving their Christmas lights up too long.

The Sorenson family is just like any other – except that they are always the last to take down their decorations, for any holiday. Many neighbors have filed complaints about the annoyance of light pollution at night far into the new year, but it wasn’t until mayor Ivy R. Taylor passed through and noticed the decorations that anything was done about it.

“No one wants to see Christmas decorations that late in the year. It’s just obnoxious and tacky,” said the mayor.

In the case Sorenson v. City of San Antonio, an intense debate sparked over how long was too long to keep decorations up. The mayor’s initial declaration was a single week, stating: “These late compliers tarnish our beautiful city’s reputation and create tension for other residents. If we come down hard, it will stop – immediately.”

The ultimate decision, however, was the end of January, to accommodate for various religious and cultural beliefs associated with the holiday season. The initial fine for the first offense starts at just $100, with a small additional fine for each day over the limit.

Many residents are ecstatic about this change, citing the same frustrations. The Sorenson family plans to fight it any way they can.

Mayor Taylor declined to comment on stores putting decorations and festive food out for sale several months in advance.

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick’s Day With More Diverse ‘National Drunk Day’ In 2016

U.S. To Replace St. Patrick's Day With More Diverse 'National Drunk Day' In 2016

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Following years of racial inequality, the United States is finally making the right move: in 2016, the previously Irish-centric holiday St. Patrick’s Day will be replaced with the more diversity-friendly and honestly titled “National Drunk Day.”

Proponents of this change say St. Patrick’s Day, while historical in nature, had little to do with Irish history in modern times and was really all about drinking green beer. With the holiday declared, certain traditions are encouraged to remain intact, including said green beer and women having an excuse to wear tight and revealing green clothing. The hope is that these colors will still be relevant as people will get so drunk they end up puking up green bile.

President Obama recently spoke of his support for this change. “Most Americans are too stupid to understand the real meaning behind St. Patrick’s Day anyway. It only tarnishes Irish history and gets in the way of things our country is really about – alcoholism, degrading women, and partying.”

By removing the Irish component to the holiday, people of all backgrounds will be able to feel more welcome to celebrate it. In fact, changing the title to National Drunk Day invites the diversity of the American spirit, as it truly defines the nation’s Greatest Past-time.

Some opposition to this change has made its way to the surface, mostly in the form of those trying to “maintain the intellectual integrity of our nation.” Their cries fall on deaf – and mostly drunk – ears, however, and show no promise of having any sway.

Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

Democrats Form League of Legends Pro Team to Gain Gamer Election Support

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The Democratic Party has made a move that no one anticipated, to secure votes from a substantial population. Hot on the heels of a new season for the game League of Legends comes Team Pro Democrat, or TPD for short.

The team will be led by possible Presidential Candidate, and Former U.S. Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton. President Obama has shown interest in taking over the team when his presidency ends, stating “it would be great to stay in the game after 2016.” The team, backed by taxpayer dollars, has also hired several pro gaming trainers from Korean to help TPD climb from bronze ranking to the world champions.

“By competing and doing well, we’re hoping to gain the respect of fellow gamers,” Clinton said.

Experts say dedicated gamers generally don’t vote at all, since they are “too busy grinding away at their MMO of choice to bother keeping up on the debates, or even registering to vote for that matter.” By winning the support and respect of a few highly influential members of the gaming community, a very wide audience will be reached.

Republican congress members seem to have begun following suit, building a roster of team members to counteract this newfound avenue of campaigning. Marc Merill, president of Riot Games – the company behind League of Legends – said that he sees a “new era on the horizon” for eSports, and fully expects all government disputes to be settled on the Fields of Justice.

In the mean time, President Obama has officially declared League of Legends as America’s National MMO.

President Obama Criticized as ‘Unpatriotic’ for Skipping Breakfast

President Obama Criticized as 'Unpatriotic' for Skipping Breakfast

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The President sparked controversy once again last Thursday with actions causing some to question if he’s truly fit to continue holding office. What seemed like a harmless interview quickly turned into a dramatic scandal. The interviewer, who chooses to remain anonymous, came forth to explain the incident.

“I was just asking routine, nonsense icebreaker questions – you know, like stuff about his dogs or sports. Then I asked what his favorite breakfast was.”

His answer to that question shocked the world.

“When I found out that he doesn’t usually eat breakfast I was so disgusted that I just got up and left,” the interviewer said.

Since details of the exchange have been released, people have been wondering: should such an unpatriotic – bordering on anarchic – person be our president? Breakfast, which has been part of American culture since colonial times, has become a symbol for the nation’s strength, unity, and wholesome virtues.

United States Senator John McCain, Obama’s opponent in the 2008 elections, made light of the situation while also reminding the country of what they could have had. He Instagrammed Perpetua-filtered photos of his extremely patriotic bacon-eggs-and-toast breakfast, then tweeted:

“Breakfast every day. #justsaying #betterlucknexttime #2016”

Some groups have pointed towards Obama’s anti-breakfast policy as an opportunity for change – which was the theme of his campaign.

“Maybe we don’t need breakfast every day,” one supporter commented, “just like we don’t need racism and same-sex marriage bans.”

Obama supporters urge people to have an open mind and consider how necessary tradition really is. On the other hand, millions of people are still outraged, citing tradition as one of the most important parts of culture. Furthering the nationwide anger is the President’s decision to ignore this pressing issue to focus on lesser matters such as ISIS and the national budget, likely because he is in his second term and not concerned with reelection, experts say.

Government Tests Pollution Clouds, Chemtrails as Means of Weather Control

Government Tests Pollution Clouds, Chemtrails as Means of Weather Control

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first in a series of tests for a previously classified government project took place over the past month. Codenamed “Project Overcast,” this latest innovation in science attempts to give some control over Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather.

For this long-term test, scientists deployed several large vehicles to the deserts of Nevada which filled the air with heavy pollution clouds and chemtrails. The goal was to create artificial cloud cover that would drop the temperature over a long period of time. The results were, in lead scientist Harrison’s words, “Pretty sweet.” Temperatures dropped as much as 20 degrees in the first week, with the added side effect of blotting out the sun.

“Obviously we were testing this for human use, but it was a great sight to see the creatures of the desert get a break from the sun and heat for a while. They all cuddled together and a few went to sleep for a really long time. It was cute,” Harrison said.

According to the follow-up report, the test was almost too successful – the clouds lingered much longer than expected. So long, in fact, that “any longer and it would have started snowing,” Harrison said.

The team is still investigating reports of the pollution clouds causing health problems to fauna in the area, as well as drifting to nearby cities and reducing their overall air quality by substantial amounts.

“Who cares about silly things like air quality? This is exciting!” Harrison said when asked about the blown-over clouds.

Government projections show this technology ready to use on a wide scale by 2017, bringing climate control to the rest of the United States.

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

American Bald Eagles Reconsider Extinction After Touring U.S.

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Last month an American Bald Eagle Pride convention was held in Washington, D.C., which then traveled to every U.S. state on a tour of the country. The event, which was supposed to be a celebration and public display of the nation’s longevity, turned sour in just a few days.

The species, which was previously on the verge of extinction, began to quickly lose morale as they saw the state of the country. By the end of the tour, almost every one of the eagles felt disenchanted with their once beloved homeland. While in captivity, their caretakers reportedly kept them isolated from the outside world by controlling television stations, access to the internet, and even filtering their mail.

One of the oldest eagles commented during a press conference:

“There are no trees. People and animals live in horrible, filthy cities. The air is polluted like hell. Who would want to live here?”

Counseling was provided for each individual Bald Eagle in hopes of stopping the onset of depression. Many reported feelings of shame and anxiety at being icons of such a deteriorated country, and all of them agree that the country has fallen far from its former glory.

“Extinction isn’t looking so bad anymore,” the eagle continued. “Maybe we should have died with America’s dignity.” Other eagles on the tour shared his sentiment.

The U.S. Government plans to implement a specialized intensive therapy group for the country’s mascot, though it may be too late. Some have already done the unthinkable – worse than taking their own life: migrated to Canada, which they hail as having “much higher standards.”

Woman Posts ‘Ten Hours Walking in Heels’ Video To Internet – The Comments She Gets Are Disgusting

walking in heels

CHICAGO, Illinois – 

One of the most recent fads on the internet is the “ten hours walking” video – a montage of a person, usually with some particular identifying characteristic, walking down the streets of a city to prove a point. The latest of these is “Ten Hours Walking in Heels,” filmed by possibly the bravest woman on the planet.

Sandra Gaaf said she got the idea one day when she was trying on a pair of high heels at a shoe store, walking up and down the aisle to get a feel for them, when a man walked by and said simply: “those look painful.”

That was the only spark she needed.

“I still can’t believe we live in a world where a woman can’t walk around in bone-deformingly high heels without getting comments about them,” said Gaaf.

The following day she set out wearing the same pair of heels and walked the streets of Chicago. Men and women alike turned their heads and grimaced as she walked by. Out of all the comments and looks, Gaaf says one stood out and stuck with her for the entire day.

“This woman had the nerve to act compassionate and concerned. It’s about three minutes into the video – she says, ‘hey lady, I’ve got a spare pair of sneakers – you look like you could use them!’ Can you believe that? I mean, what was she trying to say with that last part?”

As part of Gaaf’s experiment she bit her lip and kept walking, but couldn’t shake the remark even during our interview.

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