Doritos Announces A New Weed Infused Chip

weed

PURCHASE, New York – 

Fantastic news coming to those who enjoy the popular Frito Lay chip Doritos and those that also enjoy to smoke a bit of the refer. Coming to stores soon is a new style of the popular snack that will be infused with THC, the main chemical in marijuana.

Doritos and weed have been a popular duo for years now and the company decided to cut out the middle man and give the people what they want. With so many edible marijuana products on the selves, Frito Lay decided to take the leap and have told us they should have done it years ago.

We spoke to a Colorado man who was given a few bags of the new chip and claims while they were delicious and extremely fun, he wished he went about his experience a bit differently.

“I was asked to be in a test project for the new chip and I was pumped. They literally paid me to smoke weed and then eat weed, it was rad as hell. The chips tasted great, the buzz it gave me awesome, but there was one problem. I smoked a bong right before indulging in the chips and got the munchies real bad. The only thing I had to snack on was the weed infused Doritos and began to chop those down. I got in a weird cycle were I kept getting high and then hungry due to the THC in the chip. Finally, 2 days later I ran out of all the bags the test project gave me and my buzz finally wore off and I could wash he cheese residue off my hands and put pants on”

Lays has confirmed that they will be putting a warning label on the chips and children will not be able to buy the chips unless there parents give consent.

 

McDonalds Is Offering An Adult Happy Meal; Comes With Sex Toy

McDonalds Is Offering An Adult Happy Meal; Comes With Sex Toy

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

Fast food chain Mcdonalds has decided to run a controversial promotion that business experts say will either make of break the company. Coming this March Mcdonalds will be serving adult happy meals that come with a sandwich, fries, drink, and a sex toy.

The did do a focus group and a survey showed that 85 percent of the people they polled loved the idea of having a sex toy with their burger. The most popular was labeled as “The McGangBang” which included a Big Mac and a 12 inch dildo. While that did great with women customer, the men seemed to prefer the “Fist Fillet” a fish sandwich that including a large rubber vaginal mold. McDonalds claim the numbers for the “Fist Fillet” may not be to popular after lint season seeing how a lot of their customers are Catholic and eat a lot of fish during the holiday.

They have also addressed questions of how they plan on serving the adult happy meals and have decided to serve the meal with the toy in a  black box so embarrassment and exposure will not be an issue.

All customers will be carded at the counter or drive-thru and must be at least 21 years olds to purchase the item.

 

 

Man Is Given Sight For First Time In His Life; Claims It Is ‘Too Bright’

Man Is Given Sight For First Time In His Life; Claims It Is 'Too Bright'

BUFFALO, New York –

After 26 years, a man is given a gift he hasn’t ever had in his entire life. Scott Bruce was born legally blind, and after a surgery was done Tuesday evening, doctors gave him the ability to finally see what the world looks like. It was a new procedure for fixing blindness in people like Bruce who have never been able to see, and doctors were only giving a five percent chance of the surgery even working.

Surgeons in Buffalo were blown away when it actually took but weren’t very happy with how Bruce reacted to his new vision. Apparently he began to complain immediately after the bandages were taken off about how bright everything was and asked if the doctors could place the bandages back on.

“We were excited that he was able to see for he first time in his life, I just wish he was excited as us,” said Doctor Paul Spratt

Bruce has told us that he intends to give a few days of sight but if he doesn’t adjust then he would like to go under the needle again and remove his vision.

“I don’t know how people do it, everything was so bright and it gave me a headache. The sun, lights, television, all of it was way too much to take in, and to be honest, I’d prefer no sight at all over this,” said Bruce.

Doctor Spratt has told us that he will refuse to do the surgery if Bruce does not want to keep his vision, and suggests to his patient to appreciate the fact that he has his sight for the first time.

“Screw him,” said Bruce. “If he won’t do the surgery to reverse this, I’ll literally stab out my goddamn eyes.”

 

 

Research Shows That Over Grown Mustaches Cause Face Tumors

beard

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

If you happen to be a person with a lengthy stash, you may want to due some trimming. Doctors have conducted a research study on the effects of growing a long or bushy mustache, and the results may come as a surprise.

According to their research, men with over grown mustaches have a better chance to develop a face tumor in their lifetime due to their facial hair. The study revealed that while facial hair is, of course, natural, letting your facial hair grow long on your upper lip  can end up clogging important pores in your face. This can lead to blood clots, ingrown hairs, and eventual face tumors.

Doctors claim that it is uncommon for hair to grow that long on ones face and are comparing it to a ingrown nail. By letting a ingrown nail continue to grow you can cause nerve damage along with other serious effects. They are stating by letting one area of your facial hair overgrow like this, the symptoms are the same but with more serious consequences.

It has also been concluded that if one was to grow out their eyebrows the same results could follow. While your facial hair doesn’t weigh that much, the pressure from long and dense hair on the face can be enough to cause serious damage.

Researchers say that they are hoping that this long mustache phase will fizzle out soon, or they say several cities throughout the country, such as Portland, Oregon, could face a face tumor epidemic.

 

 

 

New Drug Craze In Teens Poses Huge Risk; Kids Huffing Milk To Get High


milk

SANTA ANA, California – 

A new substance has become a hot topic issue in recent weeks, after a local mother found her son collapsed in his room under the influence of a new drug. While current well-known drugs such as Molly, marijuana, and Adderall have become a well-known way for teenagers to get high, new reports of a common household item being abused is now under investigation by the DEA.

According to reports, teens are now huffing milk to get high. A recent double-blind study shows that at least 73% of children between the age of 11-19 have admitted to having huffed milk at least one time. The street name for this deadly new trend is called “Cookie Monstering,” or sometimes simply “dipping the cookie.”

“It has to be the easiest way for a child to get high, and every nearly child can get his hand on some milk,” said Corey Wright, a DEA agent who has been tracking milk huffing for almost a year. “We initially received several reports from police stations of kids admitting they were huffing milk, but at first thought the children just didn’t want to admit to using other drugs. After a huge amount of complaints from parents though, we finally decided to give this ‘getting high on milk thing’ a closer look.”

Scientist Betsy Heffer explains that the extra hormones in milk give off a happy, elated feeling, and in a closed container being inhaled over and over again, milk can cause the same effects as the street drug Ecstasy.

“The more potent the milk, the stronger the high,” said Heffer in a recent statement. “Basically, if you buy only whole milk, your kids can get dangerously high. As you go down, to say 2%, 1%, or skim milk, the high becomes less intense, although it is still there. Certain flavored milks, like pre-bottled chocolate or coffee milks are the worst, though. They contain extra sugars, which when mixed with the added hormones in milk can cause a high unlike most any other drug kids can get.”

The DEA is requesting parents keep their milk locked up, and that they closely monitor their children during times of drinking milk or using it in cereals, oatmeals, etc.

Electricity To Be Shut Off For 4 Days Throughout Entire State of New York

Electricity To Be Shut Off For 4 Days Throughout Entire State of New York

NEW YORK, New York-

You may want to make sure that your tablets, cell phones, and laptops are charged up if you plan on staying in New York during the upcoming power outage. A letter will be sent to residents of New York in regards to a mandatory power outage that will take place in April 2015.

For at least four days, all power in New York will be turned off, and the state is urging residents to be prepared for the darkness.

“Work needs to be done on the power supply, lines, and power sources throughout the state,” said NY Power representative Richard Sweat. “To make sure that everything goes smoothly, all power servers must be turn offed during the procedure. Please understand that we have no choice in the matter; fully charge your devices ahead of time to avoid further issue.”

Fears of riots and looting are New York Governor Carl Gardner’s main concern during the power outage, and a curfew will be set to anyone living or visiting the Big Apple.

“We will be cutting off late-night travel throughout the state,” said Gardner. “No one will be allowed to roam once the sun has set. Candles will be provided for free at local grocery stores beginning at the end of March, and some stores will have government issued flashlights on sale for a low cost.”

The beginning date for the power outage hasn’t been announced yet, but will happen sometime in April of this year. It is advised to be prepared as soon as possible.

 

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

High School Football Player Cut From The Team After Refusing To Shower With The Coach

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin

Joe Palemro is in an outrage after he was recently cut from his high school football team. The cut was not due to his grades or playing skills, but rather for something he didn’t feel he had to do. Palemro was an outstanding wide receiver for his school and reportedly had a lot of potential, being the first 14-year-old freshman to ever start on the varsity team.

Unfortunately, his playing days may be behind him, unless he transfers schools. Palemro was cut out of the blue after he refused to take a shower with his coach after practice. He claims that his coach told him that he needed to shower after each practice, but Palemro felt uncomfortable that his coach took showers with the players, and says he would normally wait until he got home to freshen up.

“It was weird, and it always was, and finally I got sick of doing it. I understand that in this sport you need to shower with your teammates, because it builds solidarity and all that, and that’s fine I guess, but we shouldn’t have to do this with our coach. He made the showers after practice mandatory as if it was a part of practice or something,” said Palemro.

The school and coach have not commented on the matter, and have side-stepped the accusations completely. The only comment we got from the school was that they were behind their football coach 100%, and what ever he says goes when it comes to running his team.

“We’d sooner let a young, great player get cut from the team than we would question the tactics of Coach Goldsmith,” said school superintendent Richard Head. “He’s brought this school 11 state championships in 15 years, so he’s kind of a God around here. If showering with the boys is what he does, then showering with the boys is what we’ll let him do.”

Unemployment Benefits To Be Eliminated Due To Poor Economy

emplyed

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The economy has been on a financial roller coaster for the last few years, and many American people have found themselves out of a job. With this poor economy, a lot of families have had to rely on unemployment benefits, but it appears that they will have to find another way to fend for themselves.

Due to the poor economy, government officials have announced that all unemployment benefits will be terminated until the country has enough stabilized their financial woes.

“The goal here is to have laid off workers attempt a different job field, or lower their standards for work,” said White House Spokesman Richard Miller. “Too many people are sitting home waiting for the perfect job to come around, and collected money for it, and that’s not helping to boost our nation’s economy, or our nation’s workforce.”

Miller says that hopes are that this push will have more American people back in the work field, even if it happens to be a job that they have never had before. They are claiming that this is a ‘tough love’ type of way to go about it, but feel that it will boost the economy in the long run.

“A lot of benefits were given out in the past decade, and it hasn’t seemed to help the economy grow at all. This is causing the country to lose a large amount of money, which is building up our debt,” said Miller. “For crying out loud, get out there and get a goddamn job and stop living off those of us that work our asses off.”

Alternative options are being thrown around to how people can find work or if they don’t agree with the decision. It is being suggested that all citizens that collect unemployment benefits should look for jobs as low as a paper boy or babysitting, and work on how they can budget their lives.

 

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NHL To Launch Street Hockey League During Summer Months

NEW YORK, New York –

The NHL is excited to announce a new league they plan on starting this summer, and fans are saying it’s something that should have been done years ago.  It has been confirmed that June 2016 will be the first ever NHL Street Hockey tournament, and if all goes well it will be a permanent organization.

Teams and players will be scouted soon for the tournament, and for now it will be labeled as a summer all-star tournament as a test for an official league.

Representatives from the NHL think that this will be a billion dollar enterprise, but want to make sure that players and teams will have the stamina to play during the summer without interrupting the busy standard hockey season. The street league will entail almost the same rules as ice hockey, but will add in a few factors that will make the game even more exciting to watch.  One idea that has been batted around is adding small ramps in the playing field so players can get some air while going for a goal.

The league will also be open to professional rollerbladers and rollerskaters, assuming that those things still exist.

 

3-Year-Old Steals His Mothers Car, Police Chase Lasts 5 Hours

3-Year-Old Steals His Mothers Car, Police Chase Lasts 5 Hours

FORT WAYNE, Indiana-

3-year-old Jason Frew is looking at becoming the youngest resident of the Indiana State Correctional Facility For Children after a recent stunt he pulled. Little Jason had the local police officers of Fort Wayne in his rear view mirror for over to 5 hours early Tuesday morning after taking the family car out for a joyride.

Jason’s mother, Elisabeth Frew, noticed him missing along with the car, and she called authorities. An officer noticed a car driving very slowly and curving in and out of lanes only a few short miles from the Few home.

“I hadn’t gotten the call yet that a child was missing, but when I saw this kid behind the wheel I was shocked. To be perfectly honest, when I first saw the car and the person behind the wheel, I thought it was a drunk midget driving,” said officer Holtz of the FWPD.

When cops attempted to stop the car, Jason began to drive faster and faster. As officers did everything to slow the car down while making sure they didn’t hurt the young boy, the speeds of the pursuit increased more and more. Due to the open road conditions in Fort Wayne and the extreme caution they were using so as not to cause injury, the police ended up following Jason for 5 hours before he was stopped.

Elisabeth Few says she has no idea how Jason got the keys, or figured out how to use the car well enough to drive around.

“I cannot believe that he was able to drive so far and for so long,” said Elisabeth. “I guess he was paying a lot more attention when riding in the car than I thought. I’m just glad no one was hurt, but it’s going to be hard not having him home as he goes to toddler jail.”

Lawyers for the Fews say that Jason will get 3 to 6 months for reckless endangerment and driving without a valid license.

 

 

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