EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – EPA, President Obama Seek To Outlaw Gasoline, Diesel Engines In Automobiles

For over a century, Americans have been getting from place to place by relying on crude oil and fossil fuels. You might say that it is a part of our culture; gas guzzling hot rods and slicked back hair have given way to gas guzzling Hummers and slicked back hair.  But now, a new emergency legislation, penned by a group of up-and-comers at the EPA, will make gasoline engines a thing of the past.

EPA Special Studies Chairman, Akiko Kim, explained the need for the new law in a largely ignored Congressional Hearing back in October of this year.

“You have all these midlife crisis Corvettes, and these Over-Testosteroned off-road trucks out there, just belching carbon into the air. These people are Mongoloids. They are killing their own children and they don’t even care,” said Kim. “There is no accountability. I wish we could put them all in FEMA camps. Sadly, we can’t, so the next best thing should be done, and that is to take away their toys in an attempt to destroy the life they lead.”

The law would see all cars that do not pass emissions tests (including classics, which have been exempt up to this point) impounded if they are operated on public property. This new ruling would start in July 2015, the start of the government’s fiscal calendar. The auto industry would also be banned from releasing any further gasoline models.

Kim thinks it is a good start. ”These rich guys just cruising around in their classic gas guzzlers are gonna get a wake up call. And these automakers who have been killing us for years will find themselves out of business if they do not adapt. Electric and alternative-fuel vehicles are the way of the future, and they should rapidly become the way of the present, too.”

“I don’t care ’bout them fuckin’ tree huggers,” said long-time diesel enthusiast Joe Lee Roberts. “I’ll roll coal on the EPA lawn, and if they don’t like it, we can schedule a second amendment meeting.”

President Obama, who is known to be an avid supporter of all things environmentally friendly, is expected to sign the bill into law after the Christmas holiday break.

Woman Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars – You’ll Never Guess How

CINCO RANCH, Texas – Coupon Queen Costs Grocery Store Chain Over Half A Million Dollars - You'll Never Guess How

For years, retail stores have used coupons as a mostly successful means of attracting customers to their stores. Usually, additional purchases will offset any possible loss, and it works out for the best. This was simply not the case, however, for the Kroger stores that were recently shopped by Madeline Huffman, an extreme couponer from Cinco Ranch, Texas. Jack Destin, Kroger’s Regional Manager, estimates that Ms. Huffman has cost the store upwards of a half million dollars in the past year.

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“Coupons are designed to lose money. That’s just how they work,” said Destin in a phone interview. “Normally the cost is offset. People come in, buy things using coupons, but they buy lots of other things, too, and no customer walks out actually costing us money. But Ms. Huffman is different. She was finding every coupon she could get her hands on, doubling them up, bringing in price matches, getting the maximum allotment of every item that she could. She was using the coupons in a way that allowed her to buy from our stores for less than our cost for those items. She then created a resale market both locally, and on the internet. She found a loophole in the system, and she used it to strangle our profits. People like her are a bane on the free market. Needless to say, we will drastically changing our coupon policy here at Kroger. And you all have Ms. Huffman to blame.”

Madeline Huffman isn’t concerned. “Kroger is just one fish in the pond. He didn’t have to be so rude though,” She said in response to Mr. Destin’s comments. “You see, I don’t feel bad at all. These big chains put these deals out there thinking that society is too fast paced or too stupid for someone to take advantage. This time they got burned. But it was them that started the fire. Kroger actually threatened a lawsuit against me. I laughed and told them to go ahead, so I could take some more of their money. You can’t stick your dinghy in a light socket and sue the electric company when you get electrocuted.” She chuckled. “Sounds like they won’t be putting it in the light socket anymore.”

Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

TAHLEQUAH, Oklahoma – Man Uses Bent iPhone 6 To Free Baby From Locked Car

Good news today for Apple and their latest flagship product, as a loyal ‘iFan’ was able to turn an engineering scandal into a stroke of genius and save a baby’s life in the process. Mark Mahone, a part-time model and actor from Tahlequah, Oklahoma was walking through a local mall parking lot on the way to his car,when he spotted a woman waving frantically.

“She just ran up to me, all frantic like,” Mahone recounts. “She was screaming ‘my baby is locked in the car!’ over and over. Real uptight sounding. So I walk over to the car with her and sure enough, the baby was locked in the dang car. Well, as an actor I once played a criminal on a second-rate TV show, and my scene involved unlocking a car with a slim jim, which is basically just a flat piece of metal that is bent just right at the end. Tensions are running kinda high though, and I can’t think of a thing I can use to unlock the car.”

According to Mahone, he was seconds away from merely smashing the woman’s window with his hands or face, but another idea came to him instead.

“Then it hit me. I got the iPhone 6 plus! I figured I could bend it jussstt right, like I saw on all the bad reviews that I didn’t get to read because I bought it on day-1 at the midnight release. Anyway, so I bent her good, right then and there. It was real easy since it’s not a real sturdy phone. It took a couple of seconds, but I popped the lock and she was able to get her baby. Before I knew it, there was a reporter there, asking me questions. Said I was a hero and stuff.”

Other bystanders remember it a little differently. Thad Henry, a local mechanic, was also on the scene.

“This lady locks her kid in the car. Total dumbass move. Too busy texting like an idiot. Then this other dude comes along and bends his $900 dollar piece of Apple shit into a slim jim. Typical iPhone dumbass – it’s a phone, dude! He never even thought to just call the police. Neither did the mom, apparently. I mean, it’s a pretty mild 68 degrees out here, the baby is asleep, and a cop could be here to pop the lock for free in five minutes. I’m just watching this whole thing go down, in total awe. Anyway, so this jackoff bends his phone in half to unlock the door. He has to be a hero or whatever, and winds up looking like a total tool, ’cause he bought a shitty phone and then bent it in half to make it even shittier. Typical iPhone idiot, I tell ya!”

Perhaps the mother said it best. “I don’t know if it was the smart thing to do, but it got my door open, and my baby is safe. Sounds like a happy ending to me.”

Meanwhile, Apple warranty doesn’t cover bent iPhones, so with a bit of luck, Mahone will be able to bend his back to a useable shape.

Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer – The Family’s Reaction Is Crazy!

NEW CANAAN, Connecticut – Unarmed White Teen Killed By Black Police Officer - The Family's Reaction Is Crazy

The news of policemen shooting unarmed teens continues this week in suburban Connecticut, as Phillip Macinaw Jr., 17,  was shot dead by police in the middle of a quiet street. Police say they incorrectly identified Macinaw as another teen they had been searching for who was thought to be involved in several home invasions.

Police reports show that the shooting happened after Macinaw was asked to hold up his hands, yet reached down into his waistband for what officers thought was a weapon. The object turned out to be a leather-bound date book filled with appointments, including fencing class and polo lessons.

The Macinaw family is distraught over the passing of their youngest son and are asking for their privacy, but were able to answer a few questions posed by media. When asked if they would be protesting the shooting, since their white son was killed by a black officer, Mrs. Macinaw dismissed it offhand.

“We all have jobs, and I head up the Charitable Women’s Society, so I don’t have a lot of time for the type of ‘protest’ you see on the news these days. Just because an incident involves people of different races doesn’t make it necessarily racist. I will be writing a letter to my Congressman about the level of training these officers receive, but I don’t believe I’ll be torching any police cars, no. My taxes helped buy them, after all,” said Charlene Macinaw, Phillip’s mother. “I helped allocate the monies for the town hall at the citizens meeting. I suppose when you aren’t paying for the infrastructure it must be easier to burn it down.”

Phillip Sr., despite the visible tears, was sympathetic to the officers involved.

“Phil wasn’t always the best listener. He had his flaws. I’m sure he ignored their warnings. I just feel terrible for these men who have to live the rest of their lives knowing that they took a life that didn’t need to be taken. These things aren’t always rational, but it is the civilized thing to do to keep a cool head. I may put in a stern letter to the Chief, but when you look at this like someone who has a little bit of sense, you see that nothing, no level of reaction, will bring your loved one back. You just have to learn how to cope instead of acting out and projecting.”

The identities of the officers involved in the shooting have not been released publicly. The police department has offered their deepest sympathies to the Macinaw family.

Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public – The Reason Why Will Shock You!

MENLO PARK, California – Facebook To Make All Private Messages Viewable By Public - The Reason Why Will Shock You!

Facebook has shocked the world today with their announcement that they will be publicizing all users’ past and current direct messages, in a move that they say will help to “promote honesty.”

Earlier today, CEO of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, announced the policy changes in a status update via his personal, confirmed account. The status has since been deleted, however, it was shared thousands of times, and a screenshot of the original post has surfaced.

The original post read:

“I have been getting a lot of questions about our new direct message policy, which will make messages viewable by the public. It is a policy that we are going to enact over the next couple of updates. We feel it is a good policy that will promote honesty, and it will be retroactive, so old messages will be visible until a week after you deactivate your Facebook account.”

An anonymous source at Facebook was able to confirm that, despite the post being taken down, Facebook is definitely including the ‘public messages’ feature into future updates. The source was also able to confirm the feature will publicize all messages sent over the life of the Facebook account.

“Mark [Zuckerberg] has lost his head. He’s in bed with the NSA, he reads people’s personal messages for entertainment value. He views himself as some benevolent enforcer of morality. Facebook started as a way to connect with people, but now he is on another level,” said the anonymous employee. “The bad thing is, he slipped it into the terms of use years ago – anything you upload onto Facebook servers, including messages, is the property of Facebook, and can be made public. So if you’re using messenger to cheat on your spouse, or to sell or buy drugs, or anything you thought would stay private, you need to prepare yourself for everyone you know being able to read those messages, and probably sooner than you think.”

The new policy has been ill-received on social media. Screenshots of the post along, with angry comments, are spreading across the internet. Facebook users on the whole say they are not okay with the company playing with their private information.

“Facebook sucks, and it has for a while,” said user Mark Jacobs. “I guess with a change like this, it’s time we all move back to MySpace. They not only didn’t have privacy concerns, they let you order your friends into a top 8! God, remember that? Those were the days.”

screenshot
A screenshot of the original post shows over 8k shares and 78k ‘likes’

Hobby Lobby Adds ‘Abstinence Policy’ To Employee Handbooks

OKLAHOMA CITY, Oklahoma – Hobby Lobby Adds 'Abstinence Policy' To Employee Handbooks

Hobby Lobby is back in the spotlight today, after the company announced that they are adding new rule to their ‘Employee Code of Conduct,’ which will now include a passage that says the company expects all of their non-married workers to practice abstinence. The company is enacting the policy only a few short months after a media firestorm over their refusal to cover Plan B birth-control in their medical packages – a decision that was upheld by the Supreme Court in a landmark decision.

“Hobby Lobby is a private company, and we were founded on Christian values. Our employees have a choice, though –  They can embrace our values, or they are free to seek employment with a more secular company,” said Dick Red, Hobby Lobby spokesman. “In light of the backlash we took for our refusal to cover methods of ‘birth-control’ that we felt were more in line with ‘termination of pregnancy’ techniques, we have elected to take our Supreme Court victory a step further. Effective immediately, sexual activities outside of marriage by our employees will be grounds for termination. If a non-married employee becomes pregnant, she will be terminated so she can find her place with a new employer. If we catch any of our non-married employees having sex with each other on top of the paint brushes or balls of yarn, well then they’ll be terminated as well. Promiscuity is not a value that we here at Hobby Lobby are prepared to tolerate any longer.”

Support for the policy has poured in from Christian Rights groups and religious individuals alike. Televangelist Joey Ostein touched on the controversial policy in a recent sermon.

“God has spoken, and this company [Hobby Lobby] has heeded the call. We have become a nation of deviants and harlots. We have spiraled into a nation of homosexuals and sinners. The Bible is clear on these issues. Sex is to be between a man and a woman inside the sacred bond of marriage. Brothers and sisters, we must strive to save these sinners, as Lot strove to save the Sodomites; but like Lot, if our words shall fall on deaf ears, we must turn our backs and let God’s will be done.”

Several employees have said they plan to file suit against Hobby Lobby, claiming religious discrimination, but Red is not worried.

“God saw us through the tribulations of our previous struggle, and He will see us through this one as well. These feminists, harlots, and menaces, they say that they only want to keep the government out of their vaginas. Well I say they can start by keeping everyone else out of their vaginas as well,” said Red. “At our stores, we are going to restore the Christian values that this country was founded on. If we lose a few customers in the process, then so be it. I would rather go out of business and see my Christian customers in Heaven than pander to the ideals of Satan and wind up peddling craft supplies in Hell.”

 

Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

MONTPELIER, Vermont – Transgender Teacher Sues School Board; Wants To Share Bathroom With Children

A male-to-female transgender elementary school teacher is suing her school district after being denied access to the female bathroom facilities. Ronda McCracken, born Robert McCracken, a post-op third grade teacher for Montpelier Public Schools, has filed a civil suit claiming discrimination and emotional damages. Named in the suit are Montpelier Public Schools and Superintendent of Education Marshall Peterson.

“Until this year, Ronda McCracken was employed by Montpelier Public Schools under the name ‘Robert McCracken.’ Over the break, Mr. McCracken underwent gender reassignment surgery and reported in to last weeks Board of Education meeting as a female,” said Principal Richard Belding. “Being an equal opportunity employer, and in appreciation of McCracken’s years of service to the school system, Superintendent Peterson informed Ms. McCracken that Montpelier Schools would be glad to allow her to retain the position that she had previously held as a man. The one condition was that Ms. McCracken would refrain from using the women’s restrooms on school grounds. The Board felt that it would be more appropriate for Ms. McCracken to use the unisex restroom located in the teacher’s lounge. Ms. McCracken seemed to be fine with the decision initially, but later placed a call to the Superintendent stating that she felt she was being discriminated against. She was informed that, unfortunately, the Board could not see fit to reverse the decision for fear of public backlash. Ms. McCracken then filed suit against the Board.”

According to the Associated Press, when asked about the suit, Ms. McCracken had no problem sharing her opinion.

“I just felt like they [Montpelier Public Schools] were discriminating against me for something that was beyond my control. I was born a woman, I just had the wrong equipment. There is a long history of discrimination in this country, and I feel these people need to be held accountable for their bigoted actions. There is no reason, besides unwarranted prejudice, that a woman should not be allowed to use the restroom with other females.”

Some of the Montpelier parents had a different point of view. Carl Mitchum, father of two elementary age students in Montpelier Schools, shared his opinion with Empire News.

“Robert McCracken was born a man. All this gay and lesbian equal rights talk is fine by me, but at the same time, I don’t want a grown man winding up in a bathroom with my eight year old daughter. It’s not safe, and it is a precedent that we can not allow to be set.”

Other parents of children at the school were not nearly as kind in their opinions.

“I don’t want that freak in the bathroom with those poor girls. There is too much risk. If God had wanted a Ronda McCracken, then Ronda McCracken would have been born, not made by soulless doctors. She should have her teaching license pulled,” Said Michael Baxter, a local Baptist minister. “The Lord will not abide this type of sin.”

The suit is set to be heard before Circuit Judge Jasper Billings on the first of next month.

“I just hope this can all be resolved,” Ms. McCracken said. “Sure, I had a penis, and sure I’ve had sex with women, but that is no reason to keep me from being in the same bathroom as little girls. Maybe people don’t understand my lifestyle, but they don’t have to me so mean. The idea that we should tell our children what gender they are is outdated. These people are ignorant bigots. Maybe my vagina is man-made, and maybe I have different ideas about what turns me on, but maybe your daughters do, too. Maybe I can talk to them about it in the bathroom.”

 

Arizona To Confine Immigrants In ‘Americanization Camps’

PHOENIX, Arizona – Arizona To Confine Immigrants In 'Americanization Camps'

The State of Arizona is in the news this week with what experts are saying is the most racist piece of legislation since World War II. Already known for their harsh anti-immigration stance and for the kooky escapades of Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the state is taking things a step further with a new law requiring that all immigrants must spend time in ‘Americanization Camps’ where they will learn English, and be quarantined temporarily to ensure that they aren’t introducing any diseases into America. ‘Sheriff Joe’, who had little to do with the law, does happen to be a big supporter.

“Hell yes I support this law! This is America, contrary to what the popular belief is these days, and if you want to live here, you had damn well better act like an American. There is no reason whatsoever that citizens of this country should have to tiptoe around and learn the language of an immigrating culture. I’ve heard grumblings from the Indian population about European immigrants, and to be honest, they’re one hundred percent correct. If we handle this influx of Mexicans in the same passive way that the Indians handled the Europeans, we’ll suffer the same fate that they did. We’ll be overrun and bred out. That is why this idea of ‘assimilation before citizenship’ appeals to me.”

Basically, the law states that all immigrants who will reside in Arizona will be ‘confined and educated’ for an undetermined amount of time. Supporters of the law claim that the confinement will not be unpleasant, and that the faster they learn the language and customs, the faster they will be released into society. Opponents of the law are uneasy with the ‘undetermined amount of time’ that the immigrants will be detained.

“It’s a slippery slope,” Said State Senator Maria Lopez. “How long before this gets abused? Imprisoning people for no other reason than their ethnicity is not just wrong, it’s illegal.”

The Law is set to go into effect on January 1st, 2015, provided that it isn’t declared unconstitutional by congress. The American Civil Liberties Union has major concerns with setting such a dangerous precedent.

“We plan to do everything in our power to ensure that this racist, garbage legislation is overturned,” Said Gerald Brewster, President of the Arizona chapter of the ACLU. “This is worse than the Japanese internment camps in the forties. At least there was a war then, a legitimate fear. It doesn’t excuse it, but at least there was some reason for the hysteria. This law is based solely on racial prejudice. It is completely disgusting.”

Sheriff Joe just laughs about the liberal concerns.

“They always worry so much about the rights of people who haven’t earned any rights. They cried when I put prisoners in tents in the desert. Well, those guys get out of there and they don’t want to come back. Plus it saves big money for the taxpayers that actually follow the laws. This law will do lots of good if it is allowed to do its job.”

Breastfeeding Activists Plan ‘Bare Breasts At Work Day’

SEATTLE, Washington – Breastfeeding Activists Plan 'Bare Breasts-At-Work Day'

There have been many news stories as of late regarding public breastfeeding, and the issues that arise when mothers are caught feeding their children in view of others. Many people feel that breastfeeding is a natural act and should be allowed and respected in any forum, while others are of the opinion that breastfeeding should be done in a more private setting.

With all the attention as of late, one public breastfeeding activist group has decided that it is time to take a stand. Patricia Oseland, president of ‘Mommy’s Milk’, a national public breastfeeding awareness group based in Seattle, Washington, has called her members into action. The women of the group are staging a ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’.

“The idea is simple,” Oseland said in a Youtube video that already has over one million views. “Breasts are a mother’s way of feeding her children, but they have been sexualized by men, and we are forced to cover them up. ‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ is our chance to take back our breasts from the perverts in society and use them in the way they were intended to be used – as a source of nutrition for our offspring.

“On Monday, September twenty-second, I ask all of you to bare your breasts at your job. If you are not employed, go shopping, go to the zoo with the kids, go anywhere; but whatever you do, do it with bare breasts. The goal, no, the calling, of ‘Mommy’s Milk’ is to escape the stigma of our sexualized bodies and normalize the sight of bare breasts in public. We realize that we will not receive a positive reaction from everyone regarding our decision, but we do not care. We will not abandon our ideals. We will not be defeated. We will never give up. Breasts will be a normal part of our everyday lives once again.”

Supporters of public breastfeeding are voicing their support, and thousands of women have committed themselves to the cause. Youtube user Hippychik69 expressed her support in the video’s comments.

“I am not a mother, but I am lending my breasts to your cause. I will be working topless. I hope many more join us. We can make a difference ladies!”

On the other side of the coin, there are many people who feel that the move goes beyond activism and is more pornographic than it is educational. Madeline Smith, a mother of four and grandmother of seven doesn’t feel like the event is going to have any positive effect on public opinion regarding breastfeeding.

“I’ve been on this Earth for seventy-three years. I know people. You don’t sway others to your cause by forcing your beliefs down their throats. All that will happen here is that the opposition will grow more militant and set in their ways. If these women want to look like cheap floozies all day and lose their jobs in the process, that’s fine, but it won’t do anything but make them look stupid.”

‘Bare Your Breasts At Work Day’ has plenty of support from young mothers, but seems to be most popular with males age thirteen to forty-nine. Mark Harmon, a sophomore at Seattle Community College, says he is ‘pretty excited’ about the whole thing.

“Personally, I don’t care what they are ‘raising awareness’ for.” Harmon told a Seattle reporter. “If they want to take their shirts off, I am going to enjoy every minute of it. I’m not going to lie, it’s certainly going to ‘raise a little awareness’ in me, if you know what I mean.”

Seattle authorities, along with other police forces in other cities, have promised indecent exposure arrests if ‘Mommy’s Milk’ does not call off their demonstration. Seattle Police Chief Kathleen O’Toole is not amused by the movement.

“I am a mother, and I support breastfeeding, but this is taking things too far. If my officers see you in public with exposed breasts, you WILL go to jail, and your babies will be drinking formula for awhile.”

Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

LOS ANGELES, California – Donald Sterling Agrees To Sell Clippers, Plans To Buy Redskins

Donald Sterling, disgraced Los Angeles Clippers owner, has announced that he will agree to sell the team, bringing an end to the months-long legal battle between himself and the NBA. Sterling however, does not plan to go quietly into the night, and is in talks with Redskins owner Dan Snyder over a proposed deal to purchase the team, which has had its own issues with perceived racism as of late. Sterling spoke to ESPN Reporter Erin Andrews about his reasoning.

“Well, honey, it seems like my welcome in LA is worn out. They say I’m antiquated, a relic, and maybe I am. Sure, I’m a little over the hill, but I still enjoy the company of a lovely lady like yourself. I also enjoy the thrill of owning a sports franchise. Those beautiful black bodies exerting themselves to achieve a common goal. I imagine that’s how the South was built. I heard mumblings around the country club that Danny was getting fed up with this whole ‘racial slur’ garbage, and I thought to myself, ‘Now that’s a team I could own’. Of course if the deal goes through, I’ll have to clear up the nonsense with these bloodsuckers trying to soak up legal fees by forcing a great football franchise to change its identity. Mind you, I’ve got a few papers to sign yet, but we’ve already hammered out the particulars. As near as I can recall, Washington was built on the backs of the black man. Even now, they have that black quarterback. A real workhorse, that one. I’ll be damn proud to call him my own. As far as the name business goes, those damn Indians should be glad we let them hang around as we turned this wilderness into the great land that it is today, not to mention naming a premier sports franchise in their honor.”

Andrews, looking incredulous, asked Mr. Sterling what he thought of Roger Goodell, the league commissioner, making a public statement regarding his promise to fight tooth-and-nail to keep him from buying the team.

“That old Irishman? He’s not as tough as he makes himself out to be. I was a Jew in this country before being a Jew was an admirable thing. I know a thing or two about being told ‘no.’ Despite the anti-semites in the business world, I scratched and clawed my way to the top. If that ginger b—— thinks he can keep me from achieving my goals, he’s in for a real big surprise. He’s the one who’s got a problem with race, not me. You should have heard him on the phone the other day. He sounded like a red-haired Hitler. I don’t care if he is the Fuhrer of the NFL, his little legal team is no match for my legislative wehrmacht. I’ll get my team, and I’ll pay those Indians their price, and we’ll get this damn thing back on the right track.”

Roger Goodell could not be reached for comment, but a league spokesman was willing to address the possible Sterling buyout.

“The league feels that he’s a crazy old man that shouldn’t be involved in running anything. There are no plans at this time to let Mr. Sterling buy anything, but as he has said, people have tried to hold him back from his goals his entire life. I’d say that there is at least an outside chance that Donald Sterling could be the next owner of the Washington Redskins.

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