Dr. Oz Research Shows Surrounding Yourself With Obese Friends Makes You Appear Thinner

Posted on September 6, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Television star Dr. Mehmet Oz, who also directs the Cardiovascular Institute and Complementary Medicine Program at New York-Presbyterian Hospital located in New York City, announced that extensive medical research on how one can make themselves appear thinner has concluded, and the results are groundbreaking. Their discovery was that hanging out with people who are more overweight than you will actually make you appear thinner.

“It is a joy to reach this conclusion, which will most certainly improve the quality of life and socialization of those who build a new group of friends who are fatter than they are. Being the ‘thin’ guy, or gal, in the crowd will make you the ever-so-popular life of the party. Many Americans are completely satisfied with their large figures and that is perfectly okay because they make the best friends!” Dr. Oz enthusiastically expressed during a daily taping of his popular television daytime life and health talk show, Dr. Oz, on Friday.

The month-long study included sixty single, overweight volunteers, many considered obese, split into six groups. The person with the lowest body fat percentage was then declared the priority test subject. Each group proceeded to go out and participate in random social events during the day and hit the bars at night. All six priority test subjects reported their sex lives had improved dramatically, and felt an overwhelming improvement in self-esteem while socializing with the nine chunkier friends.

“It is a win/win situation,” Oz said. “Obese people get to make lots of friends, while the average beer-bellied bachelor draws all the attention, vastly improving social skills for all involved. There is always one person who stands out in the crowd, you can still be overweight, just make sure your friends are more overweight. Frequent places that attract a lot of overweight people such as buffets and bingo halls, those places are packed to the gills with satisfied, big, loving, wonderful human beings. Use Facebook or Twitter to stay in touch with your skinny friends, just don’t go out with them anymore.”

Some members of the audience left in disgust, saying Dr. Oz is spreading exploitation of overweight people, such as Mary Parker from Dayton, Ohio. “I can’t believe Dr. Oz is telling everybody to hang out with people fatter than them, I am usually the big girl, where am I supposed to search for friends? I’m usually the one at the buffet with a stack of five or six plates,” Parker said.

Others left with a completely different point of view, such as Josh Sweeney from Fairdale, Kentucky. “I’ll tell ya what, if they don’t like it, this is what they need to do, lose some f**king weight. It’s their choice ya know?” Sweeney blatantly stated. “I have lots of fat friends, that’s why I have such a pretty girlfriend. Keep your fat friends close!” Sweeney added.

It seems that the late, great Rodney Dangerfield was a genius after all. Dangerfield once said, “I found that there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people!” His words at the time, though had been interpreted as some joke, fetching no legitimate respect.

New York-Presbyterian Hospital.^[14] His research interests include heart replace

Cleveland Browns Rookie QB Johnny Manziel ‘Guarantees’ He Will Take Browns To Super Bowl

Posted on September 5, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

The outspoken, flamboyant, controversial Cleveland Browns rookie and second-string quarterback, Johnny Manziel, has guaranteed that he will take the Browns to the Super Bowl this season, something that has never been accomplished in franchise history, and that this feat will earn him the Most Valuable Player award.

When asked about head coach Mike Pettine’s decision to start veteran quarterback Brian Hoyer over him for their highly anticipated season opener against the Pittsburgh Steelers, Manziel told reporters on Friday that he will be the starting quarterback by week 3 and stunned the locker room with his comments.

“I guarantee I will take this team to the Super Bowl this season. To shut up all the haters I will take home the MVP award, bring the Lombardi Trophy to Cleveland, and take my happy ass and a few beautiful women to Disney World. Write that in your little article,” Manziel said in a state of frustration when Louisville Times reporter Quen Caudill asked him about the situation. Manziel had been fielding questions all week about Coach Pettine’s choice to start Hoyer this weekend, and apparently decided to throw the press a bone.

Manziel, aka “Johnny Football,” broke several NCAA division 1 FBS and SEC records last season at Texas A&M and was considered a leading candidate to win the Heisman Trophy as a Sophomore in the weeks before the 2013 season. Florida State freshman quarterback Jameis Winston would eventually be named the Heisman Trophy winner after leading his Seminoles’ to a National Championship.

Manziel’s eligibility for the 2013 season was under question after reports surfaced that he had signed autographs for money in January 2013. On August 28, 2013, the NCAA reached an agreement with Texas A&M to suspend Manziel for the first half of the team’s game against Rice. Many believe it cost him his chances to be a legitimate Heisman candidate while Louisville Cardinals QB Teddy Bridgewater moved up the board in popularity past him. Manziel anticipated being taken in the top 10 during the 2014 NFL draft and slid all the way down to the 22nd pick by the Browns.

When asked about Manziel’s comments, anticipated Browns starter Brian Hoyer seemed to take the high road and showed absolutely no animosity toward Manziel.

“This is the NFL. We are all very excited about getting out there and playing ball. Football is a very emotional game and when you work so hard to be named a starter and don’t quite make it, it is a tough deal. Johnny is awesome, he will be a great quarterback someday. I ain’t mad at the dude, he is a gamer, he wants to win and he wants to be a winner. I totally understand where he is coming from. He only expects the best and wants to be the one to bring it.”

Head coach Mike Pettine seemed to be a little frustrated with Johnny Football’s pre-mature comments, and wasn’t afraid of holding back in his comments.

“I tell ya what, he is a rookie, hell he is still an immature kid. That boy has a lot to learn I can tell ya that. I love the kid but he can be a loudmouth, I think you all know that already,” Pettine said, the entire press pool laughing. “He is frustrated, he just wants to get out there and play, that crap he said about the Super Bowl and winning MVP, I will talk to him about that. It won’t happen again I’ll tell ya that. Brian Hoyer earned the right to start this weekend and in my opinion, it’s no contest. Maybe Johnny just had to, you know, go to the bathroom, and his words were misunderstood.”

Lay’s Potato Chips To Introduce New ‘Kim & Kanye’ Flavor

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

Chairman and CEO of PepsiCo, Indra Nooyi, announced yesterday that a new flavor of potato chip would hit the shelves in time for the holidays. The new flavor, ‘Kim & Kanye’, is the first flavor of Lay’s potato chips to be named after actual people. Nooyi says it was important for the company to stay in touch with modern-day culture.

“It was something we wanted to touch on, we knew we wanted to begin naming flavors after celebrities, but didn’t know which ones. We decided on Kim & Kanye, obviously referring to Kim Kardashian-West and Kanye West, because they are celebrities that all Americans love, and together they have a very unique flavor,” said Nooyi.

Lay’s set the standard for being the first potato chip company to introduce a flavor other than the traditional salted, original flavor, in 1958 when they introduced barbecue flavored potato chips. The company has since led the way in offering more and more variety of flavors in recent years with a campaign called “Do Us A Flavor,” in which contestants invent a flavor themselves. The 2012-2013 contest consisted of sriracha, chicken and waffles, and cheesy garlic bread flavors, with cheesy and garlic bread earning its way into the permenant line up according to sales.

The ‘Kim & Kanye’ flavor is a finalist from the 2014-2015 contest developed by self-proclaimed chef Tanya Brown. When asked what her key ingredients were to this bizarre name of chip, she simply said, “A little bit of this, a little bit of that. A lot like what you could imagine Kim and Kanye tasting like if they were a potato chip.”

Other flavors in the finals, which are currently available for purchase, include bacon mac and cheese, cappuccino, wavy mango salsa, and kettle cooked wasabi ginger. Although the Kim and Kanye chip was submitted during the contest, Lay’s representatives decided that it would be a stand-alone flavor, and they would use it outside of the normal contest regulations.

“They told me the idea of the actual flavor being a bit of a mystery was intriguing to them,” said Brown. “I could not believe they agreed to stick with the name, and they actually told me it was something they had considered doing for quite some time. So they kind of pulled the idea away from the contest. Sad I can’t win, but the chips are still going to market, and that’s awesome.”

Some of those who have had samples of the new flavor say the chips have a unique taste. “It tastes to me like a combination of chocolate and butter pecan ice cream, and is strangely very good!” said John Osbourne of Brooklyn, New York. Others say that the chip is horrendous, and they can’t believe it’s even going to market.

“It tastes like straight up body sweat and lard, with a hint of tangy mint and…I’m not sure. Walnuts, maybe?” said Robin Waverly of Los Angeles. “It’s really hard to pin down. Whatever it’s supposed to be, they were really pretentious tasting, which I suppose what I’d expect Kim or Kanye to taste like. Then again, I rarely think that these contest chips taste like what they’re supposed to. So maybe it’s just me.”

The Kim & Kanye flavored Lay’s potato chips will be available at grocery stores one week before the Thanksgiving holiday says Nooyi.

University of Kentucky Suspends Women’s Sports, Football Program Starting 2015

Posted on September 2, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LEXINGTON, Kentucky –

University of Kentucky Athletic Director Mitch Barnhart announced in a press conference just hours ago that the University will suspend funding for its football program and all women’s sports for the 2015-2016 season.

The struggling football program has not won an SEC conference championship since 1976, and even then they tied with Georgia making them c0-champions. “We are just not relevant in football in the SEC, moving to a different conference is out of the question. This is basketball country, and for that, we need all the money we can get our hands on,” Barnhart said earlier today. “Operating these sports, paying for the scholarships, feeding the student athletes, making travel arrangements – it all costs us more money than we bring in. This is not a decision we have made lightly, but it has been decided the money, time, and effort would be more suitably spent funding men’s basketball and building a new basketball arena.”

U of K officials had become infuriated with the state’s lack of help in funding development for a new basketball arena. After the state chipped in and helped their long time rival, the University of Louisville, build one of the countries most up-to-date, state of the art basketball arenas, The KFC YUM! Center in downtown Louisville, they figured it was their time. They waited and waited, but the help never came.

“This is a basketball state, and the University of Kentucky is the premier basketball program in all of basketball, yet the state helps our in-state rival instead of us… it’s like a punch in the face. Therefore we have been forced to discontinue nearly all other sport programs,” Barnhart said.

When asked how long the suspension of the programs will go on, Barnhart said that they intend to re-instate some of the programs for the 2016-2017 seasons but definitely no earlier than that. “If everything goes as planned, we will gather all the resources we need to fund a new arena and take care of our men’s basketball team and their families during that year. And then hopefully we can start bringing the suspended programs back into business.”

Kentucky fans do not seem too distraught by the shocking decision. Edgar Williams of Shepherdsville, Kentucky, who refers to himself as a ‘lifelong U of K fan’ said he was glad they were ditching the girls.

“Hell I don’t give a damn about those other sports anyways. We can’t play football to save our damn lives, and nobody gives a damn about girls sports, I mean who goes to watch a bunch of girls play games? Perverts that’s who. Fine by me. This is basketball country,” Williams said.

The University of Kentucky is well-known for its colorful, wild, and wacky basketball fans. In a recent survey taken by a national media outlet, they were ranked the 2nd most obnoxious fans in the country.

Basketball coach John Calipari was asked about the decision to suspend funding for other sports, and he said he didn’t like it but his team needs to be taken care of. “It’s a cruel world, my kids play their hearts out, they deserve to play in a state of the art arena like the one in Louisville. We are tired of being looked at as the inferior program in the state while we are actually the best basketball program in history. So what, that other Kentucky school is good in all sports. This is a basketball state, don’t they know that?” Calipari said with a quirky smile.

Congress Approves Bill That Will Offer Free Automobiles To Welfare Recipients

Posted on August 29, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday the White House announced its plan to offer free motor vehicles to welfare recipients, after congress passed the bill in a narrow vote. The program, initiated by President Barrack Obama, is very similar to what is now widely known to the public as “The Obama Phone,” where welfare recipients can get free cell phone service through a subsidized program. Some are even already referring to the free vehicle program as “The Obama Car.”

White House press secretary Josh Earnest announced the launching of the program in a late press briefing yesterday evening. “The free automobile program gives low-income Americans the opportunity to take ownership of a vehicle at no cost, and will also include a monthly gas card for $100. Any United States Citizen receiving welfare benefits qualifies for the program, which will be starting on January 5, 2015.” said Earnest.

Senate minority leader Mitch McConnell told reporters that this will be the downfall of President Obama. “This absurd plan that the democrats have conjured up is beyond belief. I have no idea how or why congress passed this. But I will tell you this, it is the beginning of the end for the Obama administration, Americans are fed up, and they are being called to the post,” McConnell said. “It is only a matter of time before the impeachment hearings begin, mark my words.”

Earnest said in the briefing that the campaign is intended to help unemployed Americans find secure employment, and ultimately will cause the unemployment rate to drop significantly. “Every American deserves the right to possess the ability to get themselves to a good job. Public transportation is very limited for most of the unemployed, especially in rural areas. This free vehicle assistance program is designed to change the way Americans are currently living. The President will sign the bill later this week, and the planning will be put into motion.” Earnest said.

There is sure to be public outrage along with intense approval from American citizens. John Humphries, a Washington D.C. tourist from Huntsville, Alabama thought that news of the “Obama Car” program was a joke.

“You have got to be kidding me, I thought you were joking,” Humphries told Empire News correspondent DeVante Williamson. “What next? All we are doing is giving criminals and scum of the Earth the wheels to make their drug deals while using their Obama-phones to set the deals up. People who really want to work, find a way to get to work, they always have. The unemployed are just lazy and make zero effort to find steady work. They want the easy way out, and our so-called government gives it to them. This is ridiculous.”

Juanita Jenkins of Albany, New York disagrees. “I think it is an excellent thing our government is doing. There are plenty of unemployed Americans who just cannot get to a job. This is sure to improve the steadily improving economy. I am not on welfare myself, but I have been considering quitting my job and applying for assistance while I look for a better job. I guess that means I’ll be in line for a car, too,” Jenkins said eagerly.

Earnest also told the press that the types of vehicles used for the program will be various American-made models, older than five years, but no more than ten years old. Once welfare recipients receive their automobile they will be given a gas card similar to that of the food stamp (SNAP) card, which will be loaded monthly with $100 credit to be used at popular chain gas stations.

Jay-Z May Have Cheated on Beyoncé With Oprah Winfrey, Says Sister Solange Knowles

Posted on August 28, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Last May the entertainment industry was rocked by Solange Knowles’ now infamous elevator attack on hip-hop icon Shawn Carter, known by fans by his stage name Jay Z. Knowles, the sister of tremendously popular and highly respected R&B singer and Carter’s spouse, Beyoncé Knowles-Carter, was caught via security camera footage attacking Jay-Z in an elevator at a Met Gala after-party.

Surveillance video footage showed Solange, also an R&B singer, yelling at Carter and wildly attacking him physically as she punched and kicked at him. The video made its way to public eye thanks to celebrity gossip website TMZ, and it immediately went viral. In the months since the incident, no reason has ever been clearly given on why Jay Z’s sister-in-law went to the extreme to attack him in front of Beyoncé and a security guard. This past weekend at the MTV Video Music Awards, Jay-Z and daughter Blue Ivy were seated in separate sections as Beyoncé performed at the event. Despite the family of three gathering on stage after an emotional performance by Beyoncé, the fact that Solange was seated so far away from the family raised speculation even more.

Yesterday Solange decided to come clean and tell the world why the incident occurred, and why she wants nothing to do with Jay-Z.

“He is a lying, no good, unfaithful playa, and I busted him. I know now that he had been sleeping with another woman; I had suspected it for a long time and then I finally began to notice that he and Oprah Winfrey had been spending a lot of time together. I didn’t think anything of it at first, she didn’t seem like his type and vice-versa. I had a friend-of-a-friend look into his comings and goings around the country, and found out the two were meeting secretly at various hotels in Chicago and Manhattan. They always got separate rooms, but that doesn’t mean a thing. It’s very fishy. I was shocked to find out that Shawn was cheating on my sister, such a beautiful, amazing woman. And with Oprah? Don’t get me wrong, she is an amazing woman, but her beauty faded long ago, don’t you think”

Solange says that she wishes that Beyoncé had never married Jay-Z, and she expected the worst right from the beginning.

“I have always had the highest amount of respect for Oprah, but never much for Shawn [Jay-Z]. I have slightly changed my mind about Oprah since discovering what my investigative work has unearthed. It made me feel sick inside and I just wanted to beat [Jay-Z] down after I found out. So when we were finally all together that night in the elevator, I confronted him, he called me a selfish, non-talented bitch. I just went crazy. It really hurt, it hurt badly.”

The allegations are sure to create quite a wild stir in the wild world of American entertainment and its publications. Attempts to contact the management of Oprah Winfrey, who is 60-years-old and one of the richest women in the world, went unacknowledged. However, a call to the office of Jay Z’s Roc-A-Fella Entertainment was replied to in a voice message from Carter himself, where he simply said, “I got 99 problems but Oprah ain’t one.” No further comment was given. Beyoncé has not spoken about her sisters allegations, except to say that Jay-Z definitely liked it, and the ring he put on it isn’t going anywhere.

Suge Knight Shot At Party, Witnesses Say Assailant Resembled Tupac Shakur

Posted on August 27, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Early Sunday morning rap mogul and former Death Row Records CEO Suge Knight was shot several times at a party hosted by Chris Brown. Hundreds of witnesses have been interviewed by the Los Angeles Police Department and one odd thing kept arising in multiple interviews; several witnesses say a man who looked just like legendary deceased rapper Tupac Shakur had been spotted leading up to the incident, and several of those witnesses claim that this man is the one who shot Knight.

According to LAPD spokesperson Clifford Winston, witnesses assume that the assailant was either Tupac himself, or possibly even the ghost of Tupac, who had come back to avenge his own death.

“Several witnesses were very adamant that it was Tupac Shakur who shot Suge Knight. One witness, who seemed to be in shock, said it was definitely Shakur, and that he had to be alive. Others said there was no way he was alive, and that his spirit was the one who committed the crime. Either way you lean, these witnesses are all sure that it was Tupac himself.”

Several people believe that the assassination attempt on Knight was retaliation for the shooting death of Shakur eighteen years ago. Shakur was riding with Knight in Knight’s car on September 7, 1996 when he was shot multiple times in a Las Vegas, Nevada drive-by shooting. Shakur died six days later on September 13th. Several theories suggest that Knight set Shakur up for the shooting.

Former bodyguard of Tupac Shakur, Isaac “Big Slick” Johnson, told Empire News that Knight wanted Shakur dead, “Pac was scared and he even told me just the night before it happened that he was involved in some hardcore shit and something was gonna go down. He told me that he might have to disappear for a while if he lives, and told me if he lives, it was gonna take a long time to deal with the matter. I didn’t know what he meant and he told me not to repeat what he told me, he made me promise,” Johnson said. “Personally I think he is alive and I think he had something to do with the shooting of Suge Knight. He didn’t want to be with Suge that night, you can see it in his eyes in the last picture taken of him. Look at that picture, Pac looks nervous and Suge looks like he is up to no good.” Johnson added.

Winston also told the press that several of the witnesses thought that the the man looked just like Shakur, albeit with a full beard.

“While many witnesses say the man looked like Shakur, we believe it is a coincidence. That being said, there are an astounding number of people on the scene who actually believe that it was really was Shakur. As you can imagine, this throws quite a mysterious wrench into the pending investigation. We are surely re-launching the shooting investigation of Tupac Shakur from way back in 1996 to make sure we have all the information necessary in this shooting. We have our hands full and we ask that anyone with information, to please come forward. They could definitely do the community some good,” Winston said.

17 Killed, 33 Injured During Roller Coaster Collapse At Kentucky Amusement Park

Posted on August 25, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Seventeen people, including six children, were tragically killed, and thirty-three others were injured when a wooden roller coaster at the new amusement park, Bluegrass Boardwalk, completely collapsed Sunday afternoon. The roller coaster, named Noah’s Ark, had just entered its first loop when the wooden structure began to collapse. “It was horrific, it just crumbled like a stack of tooth picks, those poor people, I will have nightmares about this the rest of my life, it could have been us,” said 33-year old Jessica Waterbury of Louisville, who was waiting in line for the next ride on the coaster.

Bluegrass Boardwalk spokesperson Jarrod Ransdell issued a brief public statement immediately following the tragedy, “We are working with police in the investigation as to why this horrific incident occurred. To the families of those killed and injured we offer our deepest condolences. Out of respect, we decided to close the park for the remainder of the day. But for anyone who was planning to visit us, the park will be re-opened, operating at its usual hours tomorrow morning!” Ransdell said with a smile.

The accident occurred at approximately 12:15 PM, and the park was immediately evacuated as emergency personnel converged on the scene. Those evacuated, as well as those involved in the incident, will receive a full refund and a $10 gift certificate to be used towards concession stand items on a future visit, according to Bluegrass Boardwalk management. Spokesperson Ransdell also stated that those injured in the accident will be given free passes for the remainder of the current season.

“As this was indeed a terrible tragedy, we wish and ask those involved to not give up on Bluegrass Boardwalk, and encourage them to come back to the park as soon as they are able. We’d love for you to come and make up for their day of fun-filled activities which was tragically cut short,” said Ransdell.

Of the thirty-three injured in the accident, seventeen remain in critical condition at nearby hospitals in the Louisville area. Louisville resident Jermaine Parker, who managed to escape the tragedy along with his two sons with only minor cuts and scratches, said that he is extremely grateful for the park’s actions regarding the accident.

“I tell you what, they could have just left us with an apology, but they’re not. They’re stepping up and they’re giving us a gift certificate and passes, and that’s really big of them,” said Parker. “It admits fault, and that’s as good as an actual apology or civil court victory for me. I can’t wait to come back and ride the Noah’s Ark again once they rebuild it.”

Not everyone who was at the park is happy about the events that occurred, with several bystanders visibly upset by the accident.

“They’re giving season passes to those on the ride? Wow. What about me? I was waiting, and it could have been me on there. I think I deserve a season pass just as much as the people who were on the ride. After all, I had to see the carts come flying off, and it was extremely traumatic,” said Aaron Silver, a park visitor. “This place is so cheap, it’s sickening.”

The amusement park, located in south Louisville, opened in May of this year and branded itself as a more cost-efficient alternative to the more popular Kentucky Kingdom, which is also in Louisville. Billboards around the city advertised itself using the motto, “Cheap Thrills With Wooden Hills,” referring to it prime attraction, the wooden roller coaster involved in the accident.

It is possible that the park will avoid lawsuits due to the fact that on the back of each ticket, and posted at every entrance, restroom, park bench, and water fountain is a disclaimer stating “All persons who enter the park do so at their own risk. Bluegrass Boardwalk is not responsible for injuries, health issues, or death which may occur on company grounds”

The names of those killed and injured in the accident are being withheld from the public at this time pending notification of kin.

John Lennon’s Killer Released From Prison After Shocking Reversal By Parole Board

Posted on August 23, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

ALDEN, New York –

On Wednesday, the New York Parole Board denied the parole of Mark David Chapman for the eighth time for the 1980 murder of music icon and former Beatles member John Lennon. Early this morning, in an unprecedented move, the board decided to reverse their decision, and in a shocking turn of events and subsequently granted Chapman parole effective immediately. The decision came after an impromptu meeting was called by unnamed government official who chastised the parole board for showing “poor judgement” and “holding a celebrity in a higher standard than that of the average American citizen,” New York corrections officials said.

New York Corrections spokesperson Glenn Abernathy told the Associated Press in a brief statement the reasons for the reversal.

“After further consideration, we decided to grant Mr. Chapman parole. It was made clear to us by outside forces that the murder of a celebrity should not mean a longer sentence than what is typically given. In 2013, a total of 116 inmates who were found guilty of murder were released from prison after serving less than a 10-year sentence. Mr. Chapman has served nearly 33 years, more than 3-times that amount. Also, he was cleared as mentally competent many years ago, meaning that there was no reason to deny his parole in the first place.” said Abernathy. “[Chapman] said after his initial arrest that he had plans to murder Johnny Carson, Elizabeth Taylor, Walter Cronkite, Marlon Brando, and Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, and that John Lennon was just the easiest to find. Well, everyone else he planned to kill is dead now anyway, so it was decided that he was no longer a threat to anyone else.”

“The parole board are made up of old fogies,” said Jerome David, a self-professed ‘super-fan’ of Chapman. “They denied him parole at every opportunity because they were fans of Lennon, of the Beatles, growing up. So they look at him, and they see someone who helped destroy their youth. That isn’t fair to [Chapman]. He deserves to be freed just like every other murderer they set free. The Beatles are a forgotten memory, anyway. Who really cares about them or John Lennon anymore? It’s not the 60s. Personally, I’ll be waiting at the gates to wave as they drive [Chapman] out!”

According to Abernathy, there was a decision made by the federal court system, calling the meeting with the purpose of reviewing the decision handed down on Wednesday by the parole board. It was then declared that the parole board did not have legitimate reasoning in denying the parole. The main issue discussed in the 3-hour meeting cited the fact that celebrities should not be given special treatment when the United States judicial system is involved, whether they are criminally involved or the victim.

“The United States average sentence for convicted murderers is between 13 and 16 years,” Abernathy told the New York Associated Press. “Chapman was sentenced to twenty-years to life in 1981, with a stipulation that mental health treatment be provided. “Mr. Chapman initially did not want to be released, due to his comfort within the system. However, at approximately 6:30 am this morning, he was given $200 cash and his copy of the book Catcher In The Rye, which he had when he was caught at the scene of the murder, and was given instructions to move into a half-way housing unit, which at this time will not be named.”

In an interview earlier this week, Chapman told ABC News that if released he would try to stay, anyway. “I’m so bonded that I could probably assure you that, if released, I’d probably stay right where I’m at,” Chapman said. “You know, once you stand on a rock for 20 years and feel the waves on you and you don’t go anywhere because you’re on a rock, you don’t want to move.”

Corrections officials at Wende Corrections Facility in Alden, New York, where Chapman was incarcerated, said that Chapman broke down in tears after being told of the parole board reversal. “He asked if he could please stay, he said he would work for free within the prison. When told he could not, under any circumstances voluntarily stay, he broke down and said his life was over,” said corrections officer Alex Jameson.

Chapman is set to be transported to the half-way house on Monday morning.

Two Westboro Baptist Church Members Arrested, Accused Of Child Molestation

Posted on August 22, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Two members of the infamous Westboro Baptist Church have been arrested on child molestation charges, according to Topeka Police Department spokesperson Michelle Somerville.

51-year-old Parker Eugene Williamson and his 38-year-old wife, Janelle Williamson, both reportedly members of the Westboro Baptist Church, were arrested and booked early this morning. Due to the nature of the arrest, details of the molestation charges have been sealed under court order by Shawnee County judge Herman Jacoby. However, Somerville was able to share with the media that the couple were also facing charges of drug possession, animal cruelty, and resisting arrest.

“A warrant was issued to search the Williamson residence. Inside police discovered a bedroom in the house had been chained and padlocked from the outside. I can tell you that there was a child, the couples only son, and three neglected, malnourished dogs, no other details about what was uncovered in that room cannot be disclosed at this time,” Somerville said. “Of course, they also had a room filled with ridiculous, nonsensical signs they use when picketing. I think that’s a prerequisite for these people.”

The arrests took place just days after the church announced plans to picket the funeral of famed actor and comedian Robin Williams. Westboro Baptist Church members are known for their picketing of United States soldiers who have died in battle, celebrities, and mostly for their extreme anti-gay standing. Thankfully, they were not aware that Williams had requested cremation, and his ashes were scattered quietly without incident from the Church.

Shirley Phelps-Roper, the daughter of deceased WBC founder Fred Phelps, was reached by telephone shortly after the arrests were made, and she blatantly refused comment on the matter, claiming she didn’t know the Williamsons, and that anyone who asked would surely ‘burn in hell like all the other fag enablers.’

Due to the anti-gay stance of the church, and their supposed technique of only using words and no violence, an organization named Planting Peace, who opposes the church and is located right across the street from their home, is planning to continue to raise money in the name of overpowering WBC’s hate by getting people to donate money to charitable causes.

Stanley Unser of Planting Peace had this to said that their organization said they would take donations for suicide prevention, in honor of Williams. “The WBC might not have been able to picket a funeral for a well-loved celebrity, but they planned it. They think these are good things. Death is good. They’re sickos.”

Westboro Baptist Church has become more of a laughing-stock to the public in over time, with internet hatred giving way to peaceful, almost comedic, public protest. Those people who oppose the church, which obviously includes almost every living person on the planet, have increasingly set out to make a mockery of Westboro, mocking their well-known signs and picketing right along with them. People have taken to making their own versions of the hateful signs, using such slogans as “God Hates Signs,” and “God, My Sharpies Are Drying Out” and posing along with church members, taking selfies to post on the internet.

“Based on the number of funny signs, memes, and images found on the internet, it seems that the WBC is losing ground,” says University of Kansas behavioral sciences professor Dr. Carmen Fiorucci. “It truly seems to be that society has always been sickened by the group, which in my opinion is a hate group, even though the White House would not label them as such, but nobody is taking them seriously anymore. They make signs with hateful messages on them, that is their only form of spreading their gospel, which is really just bull—-, and it’s not spreading anymore. They have become a joke to society. The kids making signs to mock them and pose in front of them for photos, and good for them! It shows these loons have been defeated. If these members are proven to have committed the crimes which have been alleged, the burning of the church has begun, you can count on that.”

Somerville stated that the investigating of alleged crimes is being handled with the ‘utmost diligence,’ and details will be released at the proper time.