Hurricane Escobar, Winter Storm Uteri Will Collide Causing Catastrophic Storm Next Week

Posted on March 4, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

The storm coming up from the south will hit Florida and Alabama, and is set to continue moving Northeast all the way to Maine. Bread and milk prices expected to soar dramatically.

GULF SHORES, Alabama –

Professor and Chief Scientific Meteorologist, Christian Cumulus, of Louisiana State University, as well as scientists at the National Weather Service of Central Florida, have confirmed the “utmost likelihood” of a potentially fierce storm in the Western Hemisphere, very likely the worst in over 500 years.

Cumulus says that the storm will come to fruition when expected Level-4 Hurricane Escobar and its frigid air counterpart, Winter Storm Uteri, are aligned for a massive collision headed straight for Gulf Shores, Alabama and will be affecting all major cities in the surrounding areas, and will possibly continue up through the Northeast, all the way to Maine.

“This is without a doubt the most aggressive combination of two split-season storms I have not only ever seen in my 35-year career in meteorology, but also that anyone has ever encountered in this field of study,” said Cumulus. “This storm will be absolutely catastrophic, with the high risk of significant loss of property, and possibly life, in all of Gulf, as well as the entire Eastern United States. Please, stock up on water and food, especially bread and milk, and stay safe.”

“Based on all 7 models, we expected the Frankenstein-like storm to crash into state-side sometime early next week. It is with every bit of my professional being that I encourage all citizens to abandon their homes and head North-West,” Said Weather Service researcher Miles Nimbus. “Just thinking of the devastation which is sure to occur worries me immensely, please prepare yourselves. Stock up on bread and milk, and get yourselves out of the path of the storm.”

The National Weather Service of Huntsville, in Alabama, has also released a statement, saying that residents should take the professional’s advice and head North. A conference is being planned for sometime later this week in which strict guidelines will be released to citizens.

“We don’t want anyone to panic, but we don’t want you to know what’s coming,” said Alabama Governor Skip Altostratus. “Please, wait for our instructions, and remain calm. Visit your local stores to stock up on bread and milk, and know that your local government agencies are working hard to prepare everyone for a potential catastrophe.”

Man Files Lawsuit After Planet Fitness Revokes His Membership For Getting ‘Too Fit’

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Jonathan Ragsdale, 32, of Louisville, Kentucky was greeted with a surprise last Monday morning when he walked in to his neighborhood Planet Fitness. He was told to hand in his membership card and was given an immediate refund. Why? Because management decided that Ragsdale simply had gotten “too fit” after losing over 100 pounds and building muscle mass comparable to a professional athlete, and by doing so he had become “visibly intimidating.” He then returned the favor by filing a lawsuit, claiming he maintained a “lunk-free attitude.”

Planet Fitness is a franchise fitness center which prides itself on maintaining an ‘intimidation-free and lunk-free atmosphere.’ The term ‘lunk’ is a word made up by Planet Fitness used to describe one who grunts, drops weights, and judges other members. In all of its fitness centers across the country, there is even a ‘lunk alarm’ that will go off if they believe a person is behaving in a lunky way.

Ragsdale’s lawyer, Jason “The Hammer” Volz says that his client in no way violated the organizations lunk-free code.

“Mr. Ragsdale showed up alone and worked out at this particular venue five times a week, in six months he lost over 100 pounds and now looks like The Rock. He always stayed quiet, never dropped weights, helped others when they needed help. Then last week he walks in and they immediately sound the Lunk Alarm, and revoked his membership, which embarrassed him, causing him to stop working out and to begin binge eating,” Volz told the Louisville Times. “Basically, they singled him out for looking too good, nowhere in their self-imposed terms of membership does it say you can be ousted and be considered a lunk based upon visual appearance only. It is ludicrous.”

In the last week since his membership was revoked, Ragsdale has reportedly gained back an astonishing 34 pounds. He is suing the company over the emotional distress of being referred to as a “lunk.”

Taco Bell To Begin Serving Alcohol From Midnight To 2:00 AM At Participating Locations

Posted on March 1, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

IRVINE, California –

CEO of Taco Bell, Brian Niccol announced earlier today that the franchise will begin offering cold, alcoholic beverages to customers 21 years of age and older between the hours of 12:00 midnight – 2:00 AM in drive-thrus at participating locations.

The announcement marks an unprecedented marketing strategy in the world of fast food giants. “We at Taco Bell know that a good majority of Taco Bell craving customers between the hours of midnight and 2:00 AM are indeed bar-hopping twenty-and thirty-something year-old alcohol consuming citizens who want a quick bite during drinking sessions,” Niccol said. “Available May 1, 2015, Taco Bell will begin offering Budweiser and Bud Light beer, as well as frozen margaritas. We are very excited about this long over-due venture.”

Many college going co-eds and hipsters are very intrigued about the news. However, members of M.A.D.D. (Mothers Against Drunk Drivers) are outraged at the announcement, and are asking the American public to boycott the franchise. Mary Jane Weedman, one of M.A.D.D.’s most recognized spokeswomen in Denver, Colorado, says that alcohol should never be offered in any drive-thru location.

“This is simply not a very well thought out plan, we could understand offering customers good quality marijuana, but not ice cold beer and margaritas, this is totally unacceptable,” Weedman said.

Blake Mitchell, a freshman at Colorado State University disagrees. “Dude, I think it is totally legit!” the aspiring hip-hop artist stated. “I mean like, sometimes when you are trying to maintain that buzz and have to go grab a bite to eat, it is totally inconvenient, you know what I’m saying? This way we can grab a cold brew and a few chalupas and be on our way. I paid good money for a fake I.D., so I’m like stoked!” Mitchell said. “Plus, I heard Taco Bell is also going to have some, like, gooey Cap ‘N’ Crunch dessert balls thing, so they are definitely going to be getting a lot more of my money from now on.”

President Obama Invites Seth Rogen To White House To Be Fill-In President For A Week

Posted on February 24, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Barack Obama has invited actor and comedian Seth Rogen to the White House to fill in for him as President of the United States for a week so that he can vacation with his family according to a statement released by White House press secretary Josh Earnest.

“The President and his administration has decided that he is in dire need of a family vacation,” Earnest said this morning. “There was a meeting of White House staff early yesterday in which a short-list was discussed for suitable fill-ins for the job for a week.” the press secretary added. “It was decided early on in the meeting that the Vice President was unable to fulfill the needs due to his commitment to a bowling tournament, ultimately it was determined that actor Seth Rogen was a great choice since he was an actor.”

Rogen accepted the role with honor and told Entertainment Today reporter Jasmine Archibald that he was excited to sit at the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office and make decisions on the Presidents behalf for a week. “Yeah I mean how hard can it be? All you have to do is sit back that and sign stuff all day and look good doing it, I’m sure I can smoke a couple joints and pull that off, let’s get real.” Rogen said.

Obama did admit that he personally chose the actor for the sole reason of upsetting North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un. “I knew it would piss him (Jong-un) off, so I said lets do it, lets put Rogen in the chair,” Obama said.

Anheuser-Busch To Reduce Alcohol Content By Half In Budweiser, Bud Light To Maintain Affordability

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

ST. LOUIS, Missouri –

President of Anheuser-Busch Luiz Fernando Edmond announced today that the company will reduce the alcohol content by volume in Budweiser beer from 5.0% to 2.5%, and Bud Light from 4.2% down to 2.1% in order to maintain the current affordable prices of each product – the two most popular beers in the United States of America.

Edmond said that the company also took into consideration that reducing the ABV content would make drunk drivers less dangerous. “We here at Anheuser-Busch believe it is our responsibility to keep our loyal customers safe, all the while providing them with a high quality, yet very affordable, premium lager,” Edmond said.

When asked whether he believed the reduction in alcohol content would upset longtime drinkers of the All-American brews, Edmond said that those who consume such prestigious beers such as Budweiser and Bud Light just want a great tasting, satisfying beer.

“Our honest belief is that our customers do not drink our wonderful products to get drunk, they drink them because they love the taste and the smooth way it goes down,” Edmond said. “Besides, drinking a beer with two-percent alcohol doesn’t make it ‘near beer’ or non-alcoholic beer, it just makes it a great beer for those on the go. When one consumes a six-pack, he will be able to drive home safely to his family. Quality, affordability, and family. That is what we here at Anheuser-Busch are all about!”

Budweiser and Bud Light products with the lower alcohol content are expected to arrive on shelves in March.

Judge Judy Has Five-Year-Old Girl Arrested On Contempt Charges During Court Session

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

HOLLYWOOD, California –

During the filming of the reality television court show Judge Judy, Judge Judith Sheindlin, also known as ‘Judge Judy’, had five-year-old Shaquiteeza Jones arrested for Contempt of Court after the girl yelled out “You’re not the boss of me!” when Sheindlin told the girl to stop crying.

The young child, the daughter of defendant Marquis Jones, who was being featured on the show and taken to the court because his dog, Saddie, got inside the plaintiffs home and ate the family Thanksgiving turkey, began crying loudly after Sheindlin belittled the defendant and told him he had no right to own a pit bull dog, and that he was a terrible and worthless human being who should have his dog and his children taken away.

Mary Louise Henderson, 45, from Sacramento, California was in the audience during the court session and described the awkward turn of events. “It was like nothin’ you ever seen before. That mean ass old bitch just laid into the defendant after she found out the defendant owned a pit bull, which she obviously does not care for,” Henderson said. “Then she just kept telling the poor man how bad a father he was, and he began to weep, then it was like some train-reaction, his daughter started to cry.”

“Judge Judy got real mad and told the defendant to shut his daughter up,” said audience member Jerome Parkins. “When the defendant couldn’t, Judge Judy yelled at the poor little girl. ‘Shut the hell up, this is my court room you don’t cry in my court room!’ she said, then the girl yelled back at the Judge…’You’re not the boss of me!’ and just like that she had the little girl hauled off in handcuffs and arrested. The damndest thing ya ever saw I tell ya! Judy is getting to be a real bitch in her old age. It certainly makes for great TV.”

The girl was released from jail on $500 bail six hours later, and is scheduled to appear in court next month.

Man Files $100,000 Lawsuit Against Friend For Sending Annoying Game Requests On Facebook

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

COLUMBUS, Ohio –

Are you a victim of constant harassment from friends or family on Facebook who selfishly invite you to play all the ridiculous games, just so they get an extra chance at unlocking some extra ‘thing’ in their own game? Well, 34-year-old Jeremy Lakewood of Columbus, Ohio, has had enough – and he and his lawyer are out to prove a point and send a clear and unmistakable message. Lakewood has reportedly filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a friend who keeps sending him game requests to play Candy Crush.

Lakewood, a painter who lives in a modest one bedroom apartment on the outskirts of downtown Columbus, admits that he does not want to disable apps on the social media network because of a crazed addiction he himself has to the game Trivia Crack, but says his friends should at least show the common courtesy to ask first through a personal message.

“The way I see it, everybody is playing these games on Facebook that have no end, the game can’t be beat, there is no damn ending, there is no winner! At least with Trivia Crack, it’s one-on-one and I can prove I am smarter than whatever friend I am playing against,” Lakewood said.

A frustrated Lakewood called around town in search of a lawyer who would help him “go after” Evan Ransdale, a good friend and former bandmate of his who keeps sending Candy Crush requests. It did not take long. Lakewood has enlisted the help of Bob “The Hammer” Dixon, an up-and-coming lawyer in the Columbus area who shares Lakewood’s frustration.

“I can relate with my client; I too am sick of getting all these game requests just because I play Words With Friends. We intend to win and make a difference,” said Dixon. “My client has consistently been a good friend to Mr. Ransdale, and he stabbed him in the back with harassment of game requests. This must and will end!”

A call for comment from Ransdale was not immediately returned.

Woman Claims Ghost Of Abraham Lincoln Wants Her To Kill Justin Bieber, Other Celebs

Posted on February 15, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Louise Ballinger, a 49-year-old single woman who lives in an apartment in the building next door to The Peterson House, best known as the place President Abraham Lincoln was taken on April 15, 1865 and later died in after being shot at Ford’s Theatre just across the street, says that she is haunted every single night by the ghost of Lincoln, and that he tells her to do awful things.

“I consider myself a medium, and I choose to stay in touch with the deceased, which is why I moved as close as possible to the Peterson House in hopes of making contact with Abraham Lincoln,” Ballinger told Rochelle Pappas, a reporter from the Washington Daily Times. “Low and behold, I made contact with him and he began speaking to me every single night just before I go to sleep. But things took a terrifying turn when he started telling to kill various celebrities.”

It seems that good ole President Lincoln has beef with Justin Bieber and Kim Kardashian. “The thing I hear more than anything is ‘Kill Justin Bieber, kill him dead. The Beebs must go.'” Ballinger insisted. “Every now and then, he will name other celebs like Kim Kardashian and Nancy Grace. He really can’t stand Nancy Grace! Then again, who can?” the self proclaimed paranormal translation expert said.

Ballinger’s friends, family, and neighbors all believe she has gone mad, all except her 26-year-old son Patrick.

“People say my mom is crazy, yo but for real check it …I’ve seen old dude creepin’ up the hall in the middle of the night, ya know what I’m sayin? It ain’t no reflection or some whacked out shit like that, ya know what I mean? Shit’s for real, my dawg. Believe that,” he said.

Boxing Champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. Admits He Does Not Want To Fight Manny Pacquiao

Posted on February 14, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

Rapper Curtis “50-Cent” Jackson recently told Sports Illustrated reporter Chris Mannix that he thought that Floyd Mayweather was “scared to death” to fight Manny Pacquiao, implying that Mayweather was afraid of getting beaten or hurt. When Mayweather was asked about the rumor by Los Angeles Observer reporter Nick Tomlinson, Mayweather admitted that he did not want to fight Pacquiao, and would rather do “anything else” than step into the ring with him.

“Hell na, I don’t want to fight Manny Pacquiao,” Mayweather said. “But I ain’t scared of 50-Cent so he can just shut his damn mouth, he don’t speak for me, he is just a punk. I bet he would be scared to fight Manny, too, so I don’t know who he think he is – for real, I wouldn’t say I am scared to death to fight the dude, but I sure as the hell don’t wanna take the chance, even though I think I’d beat his little ass. I can’t be beat, nobody can or ever will beat me, but I will fight who the hell I wanna fight, put that in your little damn newspapers!”

Pacquiao responded to Mayweather’s statements with laughter. “You can’t take that guy [Mayweather] seriously. He says he cannot be beat but yet he admits he don’t want to fight? In the boxing business that means you are scared. If he is not scared, my message to him is to quit dodging the paperwork and lets make this thing official, Floyd Mayweather, will you or will you not fight me? You cannot runaway any longer. It is time to get this things set up, quit being a punk.” Pacquiao said.

Nickelodeon To Air Reruns Of HBO’s ‘Game Of Thrones’, ‘Real Sex’ During Late Night Hours

Posted on February 13, 2015 by Raoul Stockton

NEW YORK, New York –

Viacom Media Networks, who owns and operates children’s programming network Nickelodeon, has announced that the company has signed a deal with HBO to air reruns of the popular series Game of Thrones, as well as reruns of the once popular Real Sex series, which HBO aired from 1990 – 2009.

Viacom CEO Thomas Bradbury said that the move will round out a great schedule of broadcasting for Nickelodeon. “During the late-morning up until early-evening hours Nickelodeon programming is obviously directed toward the children’s demographic, which left quite a void in the early-morning hours, which we will now be calling ‘Twilight Shift Programming’,” Bradbury said earlier today.

Bradbury said that other programs will be added to a four-hour block from midnight to 4am, but that no other programs have yet been made official. “Eventually, we will be able to fill the four hour twilight time period with four different programs, but as of now, it looks like the block will consists of two hours Game of Thrones, and two hours of Real Sex.”

Asked whether or not the adult related content in the programs would contradict their daytime programming, Bradbury stated that it simply would not be an issue. “We do not believe anyone will find any harm in the programming, in fact we feel that customers will be greatly pleased, because now there will be something for everyone on Nickelodeon,” the CEO said. “Once the kids go to bed, you can enjoy all the sex, beheadings, incest, boobs, and blood you crave, but without having to pay for an extra cable subscription.”

Nickelodeon is slated to begin airing the programs this spring.