BREAKING: A California Court Just Ruled That Starbucks Coffee Causes Cancer

SACRAMENTO, California – 

Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.

Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.

“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”

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According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.

“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”

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