Sean Spicer Contracts Bird Flu From Bad Kentucky Fried Chicken

spicer

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized after he contracted what he said was “bird flu” from eating a bucket of KFC chicken that had spoiled.

According to his doctor, Spicer merely had a case of the trots after ingesting day-old chicken, but the Press Secretary is “positive” that it is Bird Flu.

“I ate bad chicken, which is a bird. Everyone knows that chickens are birds,” said Spicer from his hospital bed. “When you eat bad birds, you get bird flu. I don’t know why that is so hard for these doctors to understand.”

Spicer says that he has contracted bird flu several times in his life, and that his mom was always the best at making him feel better when he was a boy.

“Mom would make me a hot broth and I’d eat that with crackers, and then I’d lay down and I felt better,” said Spicer. “It has happened several times, but not in many years. Mom also helped me after I contracted mad cow disease after I ate spoiled hamburger one time. My mom is a phenomenal woman.”

Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking a Nap During His Break

morgueemployee

BEAUMONT, Texas –

48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.

According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.

Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”

Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.

 

President Trump Plans 2-Month Vacation To Bahamas After ‘Stressful’ First Quarter

trump2

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump announced this morning that he would be taking a 2-month vacation beginning April 1st, returning to Washington in June, after a “stressful” first quarter of 2017.

“There are a lot of things that have come across my desk, and it’s been overwhelming,” said Trump. “I think that it will be a good time to take a break, and let things really setting in my head so I can continue Making America Great Again.”

Trump owns a home in the Bahamas, but will be renting a massive villa instead of using the home he owns.

“I want to see new parts of the area, and so I will be renting some property for the two months I’m gone. This will only put a minor burden on tax payers, as it will fall under Presidential Service.”

President Trump will be bringing his wife and son Barron, as well as 13 members of the Secret Service.

Prayer Group Now Taking Requests For People Who Deserve To Die

prayer

BOISE, Idaho

A prayer group in Boise, Idaho has put out a request on social media saying that they will accept “prayer requests” for people who should be wished dead, or otherwise injured – converse to all other prayer groups, who expect to receive positive prayers and wishes.

“The thing of it is, God is kind of a major dick,” said prayer group leader Marsha Gray. “I mean, hasn’t anyone ever read the bible at all? He’s more likely to cause bad shit than good, and so we want to hit up that demographic who doesn’t need anything ‘good’ to happen, and would much rather see someone suffer.”

Gray says that the prayer group meets three times a week, and that they will pray for the death or injury of up to ten people per prayer session.

“We’ve wished death, dismemberment, AIDS, cancer, and all matter of maiming on people,” said Gray. “So far, several people have reported back that their enemies have been hit by a bus or killed in other car accidents. One woman says her mother-in-law was even struck by lightning. That is really the power of the Lord!”

Los Angeles Doctor Offers World’s Most Expensive Colon Cleanse Using Aborted Fetuses, ‘Blood of the Innocent’

doctor

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Doctor Carl Jung, a gastroenterologist working in Los Angeles, California, has said he has developed the world’s most perfect, and most expensive, colon cleanse for his patients who need to “get the pipes working again.”

Dr. Jung has been treating certain patients using the “blood of the innocent,” which he harvests from a doctor friend that performs abortions at a local Planned Parenthood facility.

“My procedure is one-of-a-kind that I developed myself while studying in Uganda in 1983,” said Dr. Jung. “It works better than any other anal douche you could get, and it’s all because of the massive white blood cell count found in aborted fetuses. This is not a magic pill you take to cleanse your body – this is a true, liquid cavity expulsion.”

Dr. Jung says that he has been procuring dead babies for “over 30 years” from a friend, who says wishes to remain anonymous. Several celebrities, including Martha Stewart, Barack Obama, and Paul McCartney have all said to have visited Dr. Jung for the treatment, which costs a whopping $289,000 per session.

“They love it, and they keep coming back,” said Dr. Jung. “As anyone would tell you, there’s no better way to cleanse that ass than with the blood of the innocent.”

Pope Francis Caught On Security Camera Stealing Food Placed Out For Homeless

pope

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”

According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.

“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”

Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.

“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”

Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.

Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

berry

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

President Trump Signs Executive Order H11, Repeals 19th Amendment So Women Can’t Vote

order

 

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

After what President Trump says was an election that was “too close” for his comfort, he has said that his latest executive order, H11, will repeal the 19th amendment, making it so women can no longer vote.

“The reason that we almost had Hillary Clinton as our President is because of women,” said Trump. “Look, I respect women. I do. No one respects women more than me, but the truth is, women are dumb, and they make dumb decisions. They don’t know who to vote for, obviously, and so it’s time we took away that right.”

Trump went on to say that he hopes to eventually also remove the vote from African-Americans and ‘dirty Chinamen.’

“The fact of the matter is, this country had its greatest leaders when the only people who could vote were old, white, landowners. Real men who had real decision making skills,” said Trump. “Today, people would rather scroll through their Facebook feed and post pictures of their dinner on Instagram than actually make a conscious effort to learn anything. Especially minorities. They’re the worst.”

The ACLU has, naturally, filed a motion to dismiss the order as “fucking stupid.”

Betsy DeVos: ‘Dropping Out of School Is Best Choice For Many Kids’

devos

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.

“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”

DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.

“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”

DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.

President Trump Outlaws ‘Fake News,’ CNN Staff Arrested

cnn

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump signed executive order HS-666 on Friday, completely outlawing fake news. A memorandum to the order outlined specifically outlets that were deemed to be liars, and people who worked for those media stations were immediately taken into police custody.

Top-level executives at CNN, MSNBC, and The Onion were all taken in by police for releasing “fake news stories” to the public, and charged with currently unknown crimes.

“This new order is a disgrace to all of us who write real news, and are being labeled as fake by a bullish president,” said a representative for CNN. “It’s a sad day when we are coupled in with The Onion. No offense to them. They’re kind of funny sometimes. But the fact that anyone thinks that CNN is writing the same kind of news as The Onion? That’s absurd.”

Trump reportedly plans to continue his raids of fake news organizations, and says he is “very pleased” with the initial work that police forces have done to implement his order.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.