President Trump Says He Will ‘Completely Pardon’ Bill Cosby After His Sentencing

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For those hoping to see Bill Cosby serve an extended prison sentence where he would likely end up dying, you may have to keep waiting.

This afternoon, when Trump was asked about his thoughts on Bill Cosby’s verdict, the President stated that he would be “completely pardoning” the fallen comedian.

“Regardless of what that jury thinks, or what anyone thinks, Bill Cosby has always been America’s dad – and America’s dad would never sexually assault and drug all those women,” said President Trump. “As soon as he is officially sentenced, I will be offering Mr. Cosby a full pardon, and the apology of the U.S. justice system. The fact that he has been found guilty is sickening.”

Trump, who has been accused by many, many women of also being a sexual predator, states that pardoning Cosby has “nothing to do” with his own conscience, and everything to do with “writing a serious wrong.”

“I love Bill Cosby, I loved The Cosby Show, and I love Jello Pudding,” said President Trump. “If you cannot get behind those things as well, then I don’t know how you can even call yourself an American.”

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton Killed During FBI Raid of Her New York Home

CHAPPAQUA, New York – 

According to reports circulating this evening, Hillary Clinton has been killed after an FBI raid on her home went south, and agents were forced to open fire.

“When we entered the home, we anticipated that there would be no issues, no problems,” said FBI raid coordinator Chris Thompson. “What we found was Hillary screaming at us to ‘get the fuck out’ of her house. When we insisted we had a warrant, she brandished a shotgun at us, and my men were forced to put her down.”

More details on the events will be released as they are announced.

President Trump has released an official statement (via Twitter):

California Begins New Sex-Education Program in Schools By Showing Children Porno Movies

SAN DIEGO, California – 

California’s school system has something new they’re trying, and it’s causing a bit of controversy.

According to parents at a San Diego school, students in 8-10th grades are being show adult films as part of their sex education classes.

“With the advent of the internet, we know that most of these kids have already logged on and searched for porn before,” said school superintendent Mark Rollins. “We know that this method seems unorthodox, but we have spent hundreds of hours searching through thousands of videos that show the basics of sex without going too far into any specific kink. We don’t want teachers to have to explain golden showers, rimming, or girl-on-donkey, or anything like that.”

Parents, naturally, are outraged, as according to one parent, they weren’t even given the option to opt out of the programs.

“I had no idea that my son Joey was being exposed to P-O-R-N,” said Kathy Meyers, a parent of a 9th grade student. “If I had, I would have pulled him out of this school immediately. Joey already knows that B-A-B-I-E-S are brought by the S-T-O-R-K and that S-E-X has nothing do to with it. That’s a dirty, dirty word, and it has no place in our schools, or even in our H-O-M-E-S.”

On the other hand, most students are extremely happy with their new class schedule, and are excited to continue learning.

“I just really hope the allow us a 10 to 15 minute break after sex ed before we head to our next class,” said Ricky Cutler, 14, and an 8th grade student at San Diego Junior High. “I mean…it’s definitely a stimulating lesson.”

New ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ Film To Be Pulled From U.S. Theatres Over Protests About Movie’s Content

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Studios often test films with audiences before they are officially released, and apparently, Disney is wishing they did that
after ‘Avengers: Infinity War’ received a myriad of complaints over the film’s content and shocking ending.

“Everyone knows that it is with major regret that we have to inform everyone that we are pulling the film from theatres by the very end of this week,” said Disney spokesperson Margaret Lambert. “Protests over the film’s content has been a cause for everyone’s concern, and we are in the process of deciding how it should be handled. In the interim, we have decided to pull releases from across the country.”

Yesterday Disney releases a statement stating that  over 2 million letters and emails have come into the studio headquarters, one thousand or so even demanding refunds over the graphic content near the end of the film.

“Now, we go to see all these Marvel movies together, but I never expected anything like this,” said Michelle Willard, who excitedly brought her 9-year-old son to see the film on Friday. “My son saw what was happening on screen, and his jaw dropped, and he began crying,” “He has been inconsolable ever since. I cannot get him to stop crying and shaking. The ending is too much for children, and likely, even some adults.”

Even though the movie brought in nearly $700 million dollars worldwide, breaking nearly every record, Lambert says the studio has no qualms about pulling the movie for a while, and deciding what their next move is.

 

 

Pope Francis Accidentally Holds Up Copy of Vintage Porn Mag Instead of Bible During Sermon

VATICAN CITY – 

Pope Francis committed what many are calling a “mortal sin,” but at the very least is something of a faux pas, after he accidentally held up a copy of the vintage porn magazine Beaver instead of his bible during Mass in Vatican City.

“The Pope was very tired that day, and didn’t realize that he had picked up the wrong item,” said Vatican spokesperson Cardinal John Devoux. “His mistake was quickly noted, and he threw the magazine away, and continued with his sermon.”

Although Pope Francis has not personally acknowledged the incident, the Vatican has admitted that they do not know how the magazine came to be in the possession of the Church, or why it was nearby during the Pope’s Mass.

The issue, which was photographed being held up by Pope Francis, is over 20 years old.

Tampax Releases Tampons Designed Specifically For Post-Op Transgendered Women

NEW BRIGHTON, California – 

Tampax,  a Proctor & Gamble company based in California, has released the first tampon for post-op transgender women.

“We feel as if our product will be well received amongst the trans community,” said Tampax CEO Carl Smith, a white, cis-gendered, straight male. “We are hoping to bring each trans-woman closer to the full female experience and diminish body dysmorphia triggers altogether. Nothing is more ‘womanly’ than a tampon, and we’re sure these little things will sell very well with the trannies.”

According to Smith, the product will come in three sizes: “Petite” is for the trans-woman who is still working to achieve maximum dilation, yet still wants to produce menses. “Intermediate” provides an average amount of menstruation, “Big Lush” isfor the trans-woman who wishes to enjoy “heavy” menstruation.

“We expect the Big Lush to be the most common seller,” said Smith. “We have done extensive research, and it has shown that guys who are now women are really into sticking things into their fake vaginas, so we’re going with this as a way to satisfy that need.”

The product is expected to hit the market next month.

Colorado Announces Plans To Release All Prisoners Currently Incarcerated For Marijuana Crimes

DENVER, Colorado – 

The state of Colorado has announced plans to release all prisoners currently serving time for marijuana-related offenses, roughly 6 years after the state legalized the recreational use of the drug.

This decision was made after several non-violent criminals, arrested or serving time for low-level marijuana-related crimes petitioned the state legislature to hear their cases. With the backing of the ACLU, the 9 prisoners were able to win their release – along with the release of anyone else serving.

“We cannot, in good conscience, allow people to be spending time in prison for something that is not a crime anymore, and that people are allowed to do freely on the outside,” said ACLU representative and lawyer, Carl Urbex. “This is a major win for marijuana users, and I sincerely hope that other states with laws similar to ours follow suit.”

Mother Arrested After Accidentally Tickling Her 3-Year-Old To Death

ATLANTA, GA – 

It’s a warning being sent out to parents across the country after a 3 year old Florida girl loses her life. Intense tickling of children under the age of 7 may cause asphyxiation which commonly leads to death. Trina Williams, 28, allegedly learned this the hard way and is now facing involuntary manslaughter charges for the death of her toddler.

Via Now8News:


Williams said it was an innocent case of “the tickle game” that she played with her daughter ever since she was two months old. “Me and Tati love to play this game, we do it every night…. well, we did,” Williams told police, very straight faced, calm and collective. “I don’t know, then she just stopped moving, she was laughing hard and then went silent. I don’t know what went wrong. But I still have 6 other kids so we cool. I’ll miss her, but I guess it was just her fate.”

However, police are quite buying Williams story about what happened during her “innocent” tickle game. “Just by her statement she gave about what happened, I don’t believe her,” said chief of police Gerald Watson. “The toddler had bruises all over her body, and were still waiting for the autopsy report. This mom claims they were tickling bruises…yeah right. Either way, she killed her daughter and she has this ‘I don’t care because I have more kids’ attitude and it’s really disgusting.

BREAKING: Bill Cosby Found Dead in His Home After Reportedly Taking His Entire Stash of Roofies

PITTSBURGH, PA –

Police are reporting that comedian, actor, and convicted rapist Bill Cosby has been found dead in his home of an apparent suicide. Medical reports indicate that he took his entire stash of roofies, and collapsed due to cardiac arrest.

“Mr. Cosby, as we all know very well now, was a rapist who enjoyed drugging women and sexually assaulting them,” said Police Captain Phil Huxtable of the PA County Sheriff’s Department. “It appears that in an effort to avoid a prison sentence, one where he no doubt would have stayed until he died, he decided to take his own life by resorting to ‘hitting off his own stash,’ as it were.”

Cpt. Huxtable says that Cosby likely took over 150 Rohpynol pills, often called “roofies” or the “date rape drug.” These are also likely the same pills that Cosby used to drug and rape dozens and dozens and dozens of women over the years. He was found guilty earlier this week of 3 counts of sexual assault. Each count had a maximum sentence of 10 years, and individual fines of $25,000 per offense.

BREAKING: Facebook Was Just SOLD To The Government Over Growing User Privacy Concerns

Secret, closed door negotiations have finally been made public after an agreement was reached by the US Government to purchase the social media giant for $10 billion.

via Now8News:


There is no doubt that Facebook has been a runaway success – but for who? It has been long suspected that Facebook has been feeding information to the NSA, CIA and other government entities and that they excessively use this site to monitor the online activity of Facebook users. The US government has already been caught taking dodgy steps with individual privacy. 

There’s no denying the information gained by Facebook from its users is valuable to a degree and there is no question that the US government has been caught gathering private information without people’s consent. Does this mean the government now has an even larger agenda ahead of them? The government has made increasingly frequent demands for information from ISPs (Internet service providers), telecom companies, and other social media sites.

But the information generated by Facebook users has been the government’s primary resource on the American people. Insiders with confidential knowledge say that Zuckerberg is tired of the increasing demands from government entities. Finally, it has pushed him over the edge to sell. However, $10 billion is not a bad payday! But will you keep your Facebook account? Are you concerned about the privacy issues?


 

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