BELMOPAN, Belize –
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been kidnapped by Belize terrorists while vacationing with his family in the capital city of Belmopan. Police in Belize have received a single correspondence from the kidnappers, demanding $2 billion dollars in cash for his safe return.
Zuckerberg, who has a net worth of $70 billion, was visiting Belmopan with his family for a month-long vacation, and was reportedly taken by several men in masks who threw him into a van. His wife, who was with him at the time, was unharmed, and phoned police.
At this time, police are uncertain if Zuckerberg is alive, but remain hopeful that the kidnappers plan to abide by their word, and release him upon payment. Zuckerberg’s wife, Priscilla Chan, has said that they will pay the ransom immediately, as “$2 billion is really nothing when you have $68 billion more to play with.”
She says that once he is safely returned, they will continue their vacation.
FAIRFAX, Virginia –
The National Rifle Association has just angered nearly all of their 6 million members, after NRA head Wayne LaPierre announced that group would back a bill headed to congress that would ban assault rifles on the federal level.
“While we are still firm believes and stand in line with the second amendment, we are also realists, and have seen the facts,” said LaPierre. “There is no reason that any individual owns an assault rifle in this day and age. While hunting is a fine sport, that’s all it is – a sport. No one needs to kill an animal to eat anymore. And from a protection standpoint, there are many other rifles and numerous handguns that will just as quickly stop an intruder in your home.”
LaPierre says the group has been pressured to come to this decision after numerous public shootings, including the Florida school shooting last month which left 17 dead, and was perpetrated by someone with an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle.
“Parkland was the final straw for us, and for many others who have children, and see this needless violence continuing,” said LaPierre. “From my cold, dead hands is fine, but the cold, dead hands of my children? That’s not okay.”
SAN DIEGO, California –
Famed falled comedian Bill Cosby was rushed to a San Diego hospital after he was found violently beaten outside of his home. Police say that a neighbor called 911 after they saw Cosby laying in a pool of blood by his mailbox. A woman, whose name has not yet been released, has been arrested in conjunction with the assault.
According to police, the woman claims that Cosby raped her nearly 35 years ago, and that she felt it was “her time.”
Cosby has been accused by dozens of women of sexual misconduct over his long career, including several who say he drugged them and assaulted them while they were unconscious. Cosby, who was once the most loved man on television, has found himself the butt of jokes by other comedians who once idolized him.
Doctors say that Cosby is in stable, but critical condition. He was taken in with multiple broken ribs, a crack vertebrae in his neck, two broken wrists, as well as multiple contusions and cuts across his whole body. He was stabbed in the chest 3 times with what police say was a “very small” pocketknife.
SACRAMENTO, California –
Coffee drinkers, beware. A judge in California has just ruled that all coffees need to come with a label letting consumers know that the drink could cause cancer, as research has shown the roasting process of some beans may lead to cancerous cells. This includes labeling signs and cups in restaurants, including major chains like Starbucks.
Superior Court Judge Elihu Berle wrote in a proposed ruling Wednesday that Starbucks and other coffee companies failed to show that the threat from the chemical was insignificant.
“Frankly, we don’t give a shit if coffee causes cancer or not, it’s still delicious, right?” said Starbucks spokesperson Bill Richardson. “I have been drinking a dozen cups of Starbucks coffee every day for the last 18 years I’ve been with the company, and I’m still kicking. In fact, I’m kicking faster and with more focus. Damn, coffee is good.”
According to Starbucks, they will eventually comply with the law, letting consumers know that the coffee may be cancerous, but that it will take awhile before they can order new signs and cups.
“It’s not a quick process at all, for sure,” said Richardson. “We also plan to appeal, because I mean, come on. No one actually drinks our coffee anyway. It’s a status thing. You just carry around the cup so people can know that you’re a pretentious coffee drinker, but they’re not actually ingesting it. Our stores throw away more coffee than you can imagine. Come for the asshole servers, burnt espresso, and the free wi-fi – we’re not going to give you cancer. And if you do get cancer, are you ever going to trace it back to the coffee we served you? No. Get over it, whiners.”
DELUTH, Mississippi –
A morbidly obese woman, who police are calling “one of the fattest” they’ve ever had in custody, was arrested on Friday after she smothered her boyfriend during a sex act.
Police reports claim that “Mary” (name changed to protect identity), 28, who weighs a staggering 423 pounds, was arrested after her boyfriend (“Joe”) was found dead her bedroom. Police say Mary called them after she smothered Joe to death during a “69.”
“He wanted me to go down on him, which is totally fine, but if he’s gonna get some, so am I,” said Mary. “In retrospect, it probably should have been at separate times. I got on top of him and we both started going to town. A few minutes later, when I was done, I realized he’d gone pretty limp, and I turned around and he was completely blue in the face.”
Although Mary says it was an accidental death, police took her into custody, saying that there’s “no way” Mary wouldn’t have known that her 423 pound form wasn’t going to completely cut off Joe’s air supply once she was sitting on her chest and covering his entire face with her massive girl-mound.
“We have reason to believe that this was not an accident, and we are looking at all angles,” said Police Chief Mario Cutler. “We learned that Joe had recently taken out a large life insurance policy, and Mary has been trying to save for liposuction for many years. She was the sole beneficiary on Joe’s policy. We suspect foul play. Very, very foul.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Trump signed a new bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt caused by college loans.
“Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government,” said President Trump. “With this new bill, anyone who has taken loans from the federal government, at any point, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.”
Although the bill was signed on Friday afternoon, the program will not begin until the end of 2018, at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts on their loans delete automatically.
“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and not just worry about a future of paying back debt.”
With close to $1 billion in net income every year, private lender Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.
“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in forgiving anything. These little fuckers took out the loans, they can pay them back – with interest,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Sure, yeah, education is important to us. You know what else is important? Learning about paying back your debts – with interest – or ruining your credit for life. Sorry you chose to pursue a degree in art history, little Johnny. Maybe you should have chosen a major that would make you some money.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
After a major ratings success last week with the return of Roseanne, whose politics have taken center stage after she made it known that she was an ardent Trump supporter, the President himself has made a surprise announcement that he appears in one of the episodes of the new season, which will run for 8 more weeks on ABC.
“It’s true that I appear as myself in an episode of Roseanne,” said President Trump during a recent press conference. “I was asked to appear, and thought it would be a fun return to TV. I’ve been friends with Rosie for many years, and was honored to make an appearance.”
The President did not comment in which episode he would appear, but a White House entertainment spokesperson said that they are not 100% sure which episode it is.
“The shows for this season were not shot sequentially, so we’re not sure. I guess you’ll have to watch them all,” said the representative. “We think it will be great fun for all Trump supporters, and even his detractors may get a laugh out of it. No one has ever said that Trump can’t laugh at himself a bit. And if they have, well, they’re wrong.”
Roseanne airs Tuesday nights on ABC. Check local listings for times and channel numbers.
PALO ALTO, California –
In what they are calling a “simple change,” Netflix announced that they play to move away from the “expensive” ad-free model they currently have, and move towards an ad-based model that would reduce monthly costs for consumers, much like competitors Hulu and Crackle.
“One of the biggest complaints we get is our high cost,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. ” The second biggest complaint is that there aren’t enough commercials. I know, I know. You don’t believe that second one, but it’s true.”
Hastings said that the company has spent the last 5 months partnering with companies who plan to run 10-30 second commercials before and after shows, as well as at periodic points in any show or movie longer than one hour.
“For our customers who do not want commercials, and prefer to keep their streaming service as it is, we will have that option, but unfortunately, the price will go up for that,” said Hastings. He did not confirm the upgraded cost.
“On the plus side, the cost for ad-based streaming will go down to $3.99 a month for HD, and 4.99 for 4K. We really believe in this model, and think that our customers will, too,” said Hastings.
DVD Netflix, which many of you are learning still exists just by reading this sentence, will still send commercial-free, retail versions of DVDs and Blu-rays.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Todd Riley, 31, was diagnosed with type 1, or “juvenille” diabetes when he was 3 years old, and has always had to make sure to carry an insulin pump or a candy bar with him wherever he goes. That is, until last year, when Riley began his journey to purposely contract type 2 diabetes.
“It’s pretty simple, really,” said Riley, a former construction worker. “I have type 1 diabetes, and my blood sugar was always dangerously low. If I gain a bunch of weight and become a type 2 diabetic, my blood sugar will skyrocket, basically making me normal.”
Doctors have cautioned Riley that it “doesn’t work that way,” but Riley has said that he thinks doctors are just trying to keep him skinny so that they can continue medicating him.
“I pay thousands of dollars for my medication, and I’ve found a way to beat their system, and they’re terrified,” said Riley.
Riley, who was always very skinny most of his life, gained over 300 pounds since late 2016, and says that he has “happily” come closer to becoming a type 2 diabetic.
“I figure within the next couple of months, I will finally be able to control my diabetes naturally,” said Riley. “It’s really a great feeling.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In light of the accusations being made against her husband, President Trump, of infidelity with a former porn star, Melania Trump announced today that he has signed a $12 million contract with Brazzers, the adult website, with plans to complete 5 pornographic films. Sources close to the film company say one of those movies will also John Di Domenico, the world’s most well-known Trump impersonator.
Melania began her career as a model before becoming the World’s Most Powerful Woman as the First Lady.
“Now that Melania has settled into her role as First Lady, and found that there really isn’t much to do other than pose for pictures and try and ignore her disgusting, fat husband, she’s really getting bored,” said a close friend, who wished to remain anonymous. “She still looks great, especially for her age, but she’s not model material anymore, not with the thousands of girls a third her age coming up. But, she’s still got a body, and her name, and she’s going to sell it for all it’s worth…and get back at Donny-Boy while she’s at it.”
Melania could not be reached for comment. Brazzers has not yet released their official announcement, but it is expected later this week.