Donald Trump Offers Roseanne a Job In The White House After Her Recent Firing From ABC

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Roseanne Barr a job in his cabinet at the White House, after ABC fired Roseanne and cancelled her sitcom over racist tweets made by the comedian. President Trump says that he “feels horrible” for the TV star, and says that there is “absolutely a job” for her in the White House.

“Roseanne is a national treasure, and is loved by many,” said President Trump. “Her tweets were her own thoughts, which were shared by many people across this great nation. I, for one, believe that she deserves another chance, and as such, will be allowing her to be the chairperson of a new position I’m creating in the White House – Director of Race Relations.”

If Roseanne decides to take the job, she will be in charge of working with people of all different races throughout the country in trying to “smooth over” issues between them.

“This will include teaching black people not to shoot and rob each other, teaching Mexicans how to wear deodorant in public, that sort of thing,” said President Trump. “I absolutely believe that Roseanne is the perfect person for this job.”

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Attacked, Raped in Prison While Awaiting Sentencing

NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.

According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.

“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”

Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”

There Were No School Shootings In The United States This Week, Marking The First Time in 2018

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the first time since October of 2017, there were no school shootings in the entire United States this week, and police throughout the country are breathing a huge sigh of relief.

“Every week, you never know if it’s going to be your town that it happens, that your station is the next to get the call,” said Deputy Michael Rick of the Miami Police Department, a 23-year veteran. “So far, we’ve been lucky here. We have had plenty of other gun violence, but no school shootings. We’re always prepared, though. You have to be.”

The sentiments were echoed by hundreds of officers around the country that we spoke to, with nearly all of them saying that they’re dreading the day it happens in their town.

“It almost seems like it’s not an ‘if’ anymore, but a ‘when,'” said Chief Mario Francis of the Dallas-Forth Worth State Patrol. “I have 3 young kids in school in the area, and I don’t know what I’d do. All I know is, if I have to shoot a kid before he shoots my kid, I’ll goddamn do it.”

Roseanne Just Filed a Lawsuit Against George Soros Over The Cancellation of Her Show

From Daily World Update:


Roseanne Barr has just filed a suit against George Soros and ABC, claiming the liberal money machine coerced the network into canning her new show over a “misunderstood tweet.” Barr is suing Soros for $60 million, which she claims is lifetime lost revenue for her current and past syndication contracts, as well as the $1 million per episode she was being paid to begin with.


Coincidentally, this lawsuit coincides well with another – a class-action suit is being brought against Roseanne herself by the entire cast and crew of her now-cancelled sitcom.

“I was counting on that paycheck for at least a few seasons,” said Bonnie Jones, a camera operator. “I passed on a few other gigs, and locked into this with ABC and the production company. There’s no way in hell I’m going after ABC, but I have no problems going after Roseanne herself. This is, after all, entirely her fault.”

Co-Star John Goodman echoed the sentiments, but refused to acknowledge whether he was partaking in the lawsuit against Roseanne.

“I don’t need the money, I don’t even really need the work. I’ve never stopped working,” said Goodman. “But I am disappointed that this all ended just because Rosie turned out to be a racist. I mean my God, who would have thought?”

Hollywood Desperate To Find Actor Who Hasn’t Sexually Assaulted Anyone

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Hollywood moguls at film studios across the city are in a “desperate search” for an actor who hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone before next award’s season begins, and so far, the search is coming up short.

“We’re really digging deep into the backgrounds of everyone, and it’s so hard to find anyone who hasn’t ‘accidentally’ raped an unconscious girl, or made lewd comments at a press junket,” said a Hollywood executive who wished to go unnamed. “It’s really starting to put the fear of God into executives.”

“We absolutely have to make sure that we don’t nominate someone for an award, only to find out later that they like, molested a young boy 30 years ago, or something like that,” said a film producer for a major studio. “I mean, someone like Kevin Spacey, yeah, you kind of always thought there was something weird about him, but Morgan Freeman? Morgan fucking Freeman is being accused of lewd conduct now. My mind is blown, you can’t trust anyone.”

There has been talk by Oscar officials about whether to honor any males at the awards ceremony in 2019 at all, saying that they may just completely can the actor awards across the board, and only nominated and award women winners.

BREAKING: George H.W. Bush In Hospital; Doctors Say He Won’t Last Through The Weekend

PENSACOLA, Florida – 

Former President George H.W. Bush was rushed to a Florida hospital after he said he “felt dizzy” on Thursday morning, and doctors say that he may have been suffering from low blood pressure.

“Honestly, he just is getting up there in years, but he’s actually pretty damn healthy considering,” said Dr. Jimmy Clinton. “He came in a little dizzy and lightheaded, but we gave him some IV fluids and a heart pill, and he was laughing and joking, slapping nurses on the ass, having a grand old time.”

Bush has been in and out of the hospital several times in as many months, including a recent scare right after his wife, Barbara, passed away.

“Yes, that was a tough time for us all here,” said Dr. Clinton. “Barbara was an amazing woman, and when George was brought in only days after she died, we thought he might be ready to join her – but instead, he rolled on out of here in only a couple days. Frankly, he is ready to go home this time, too. Yeah, I don’t think he’ll last the weekend here at the hospital. He’ll be home soon.”

Netflix Announces Plans to Pick Up Cancelled ‘Roseanne’ Show – ‘We Don’t Care If She’s a Racist Pig’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Earlier this morning, ABC Networks, which are owned by Disney, dumped the hit TV revival of Roseanne, announcing their would be no second season because of a series of racist tweets by star and creator, Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne tweeted inappropriate comments comparing a former member of Barack Obama’s staff to an ape – among other insane comments bashing Muslims and Hillary supporters.

Despite the backlash, Netflix has announced that they will “gladly” pick-up the cancelled series for continuation.

“We have no problems with what Roseanne said in her tweets – those are her personal opinions, and they have nothing to do with making money, which she is very, very good at,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “ABC hadn’t seen numbers like hers in years, and they were absolutely stupid to dump it while she’s still hot. We have already decided to add Roseanne to our platform, and know that our viewers will be ecstatic.

Although parts of the new season were already shot before the show was cancelled, there were no completed episodes, and Hastings has said they will start from scratch, but that viewers will be “very excited” by the changes.

“For starters, we want to push it to a TV-MA rating, which we think is more real, and will connect more with viewers,” said Hastings. “But we have some other changes as well, it’s all very early in talks, but it’s happening. We don’t care at all about Roseanne herself being a racist pig, we just want to offer the best programming available.”

New Video Game ‘Active Shooter’ Allows You To Take on the Role of a School Shooter

From Snopes.com:


In May 2018, survivors of the Parkland school shooting massacre, and many others both on and off social media, responded with horror at reports of a video game in which players could assume the role of a school shooter. 

Jaclyn Corin, a survivor of the 14 February 2018 mass shooting at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School, called the game (which is titled Active Shooter) “disgusting” in a tweet and urged others to sign a petition calling for the game not to be released. (The online petition garnered almost 100,000 signatures within four days.)

Ryan Petty, whose 14-year-old daughter Alaina was killed in the shooting rampage, accused Valve Corporation (the Bellevue, Washington, company that runs the Steam platform on which the game would be distributed and run) of “trying to profit from the glamorization of tragedies affecting our schools across the country” and also called the game “disgusting.”

The game is indeed real: it was published by a Russian company called Acid and developed by Revived Games (featuring games such as Furry, Tyde Pod Challenge, and White Power: Pure Voltage. which carries the following description: “The Underworld is an alternate dimension existing in parallel to the human species world. It contains the same parts of the Universe as humanity does, but much more in a darker, colder and hostile manner.”)

Active Shooter‘s descriptive entry on Steam’s web site read as follows:

Pick your role, gear up and fight or destroy! Be the good guy or the bad guy. The choice is yours! Only in “Active Shooter”, you will be able to pick the role of an Elite S.W.A.T member or the actual shooter.

A video preview of the game showed a shooter armed with a rifle, handgun, and knife stalking the classrooms and corridors of a school, shooting at both police and civilians while a “kill counter” shows the number of “cops” and “civ” (civilians) the player had murdered. 


This is a real game that is still scheduled to be released next month. We will see whether it actually happens, and report back in the future.

Meghan Markle Files For Divorce After Getting Gut-Wrenching Surprise on Royal Honeymoon

ALBERTA, Canada –

It has been leaked by a friend close to the new Royal Couple that the honeymoon is already over and Meghan Markle has filed for divorce after she discovered a “horrible, gut-wrenching surprise” when the couple went to consummate their marriage.

“Meghan never thought about how her new husband would also have fiery red pubes, and when she undid his pants in the honeymoon suite, she nearly collapsed in shock,” said the unnamed friend. “She even vomited in her mouth a bit. Apparently, ginger pubes are as terrifying as everyone has always said.”

Markle married Prince Harry in a wedding ceremony last week that garnered millions of television views, and spawned countless absurd collectible items – from coins to cookies shaped like the couple to bikinis.

“Harry told her that he would shave, and stay shaved forever, but the damage was already done,” said the friend. “I don’t think there’s ever anyone who has come back after seeing ginger pubes. Not all the money, fame, and royalty in the world can save that marriage.”

Retirement Home Shut Down After FBI Raid Over Underground Fight Club

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia – 

A retirement home in Virginia was busted by the FBI, and 7 people were arrested after authorities were tipped off that the home was running and underground fight club in their recreation room after hours.

According to federal agents, the home was requiring residents to partake in the fights in order to obtain necessities such as meals and medications. They would live-stream the fights online in a pay-per-view fashion. It is estimated that they took in over $125 million in the last 3 years running the illegal fights.

“The older the contestants, the more brutal things got,” said FBI Agent Roger Kramer. “They were desperate for their meds, so they’d use weapons – chairs, walkers, canes – whatever they had.”

Two owners of the retirement community, as well as two employees and three residents were arrested and implicated in the scheme. Currently, they each face a maximum of 15 years in prison if convicted.

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