BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A mother in Boston who bought each of her 7 children the year’s hottest toy, a Hatchimal, says the creatures had been mostly speaking gibberish when first opened on Christmas morning, but over the last week, have started saying some “truly disturbing things.”
“These Hatchimals are basically just like those old Ferby toys, remember those?” said Carla Jones, 28. “I had one of those when I was a kid. They spoke in random gibberish. Well, these Hatchimals, they did too mostly. But then the other day, I noticed that my youngest son, Tyler, who is 4, started saying some horrible things. I asked him where he learned those words, and he pointed to his Hatchimal.”
Jones was asked if the words could be repeated for print, and she said “she didn’t think they should be said,” but wanted to make sure that other parents knew what these “dangerous toys” were teaching their children.
“If it was only something as simple as it saying ‘fuck’ or something, then I’d be okay with that. They hear that kind of talk on Sesame Street these days, for crying out loud,” said Jones. “No, it was much more sinister. I’m honestly having a hard time saying the words, but truly, everyone should know. These Hatchimals, they taught my son to say ‘Donald Trump will make a great president.’ OH MY GOD I can’t believe I said it. It’s so sick.”
Empire News reached out the company behind Hatchimals, but received no response.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
The government has already been forcing American citizens to carry a form of health insurance, despite rising costs and crippling debt that we’re all faced with. Now, Congress plans to enact a new law that would also force everyone to have a life insurance policy.
“This is really and truly for the benefit of the people, and will only help in the long run,” said Congressman Bill Knowles. “People are dying every single day, and no one can afford to bury them. They can’t afford the funeral costs, and they can’t afford the bills left behind. By forcing everyone to have life plans, it will alleviate a lot of headaches.”
The life insurance companies say they are “thrilled” by this news, as many of them had seen a drastic decrease in sign-ups over the last several years.
“We haven’t signed anyone up for a life plan in about 6 weeks,” said Raymond Booth, owner of a small life insurance company in Idaho. “We partner with some big names, but I just can’t get anyone interested. No one wants to think about dying, and they don’t care what kind of mess they leave behind for their family. Thanks to this bill, though, I’m going to be rolling in it very soon!”
The bill is set to be voted on after winter break, when Congress resumes on January 20th.
DALLAS, Texas –
Comcast, one of the nation’s largest cable companies, says that their annual price increase will take effect on January 1st, and customers can expect to see rates jump by nearly 400%.
Mark Lemon, who has Comcast internet but not cable, says he isn’t at all surprised.
“I used to pay about $100 a month for cable and internet,” said Lemon. “It really wasn’t horrible. Then last year, they upped that price to nearly $300 for the same package, so I cut down to just internet, and I bootleg everything I want to watch from TV. Works great!”
Comcast says that people like Lemon are to blame for the price increases.
“If everyone just came back to cable, and stopped cutting the cord, and stopped illegally downloading movies and shows, we could lower the cost again. I mean we could – we definitely wouldn’t, but we could,” said Comcast spokesman Derek Jones. “But, because we’re down to only a couple of people who have cable packages, we really need to hike this price up to make a profit.”
Jones says that customer who normally pay around $75-$100 a month for just cable should see those prices hit somewhere around $400-$600, depending on their chosen package.
BENTONVILLE, Arkansas –
Walmart recently released information stating that for every gift purchase that was made through the holiday season, over 50% of the items were brought back to the store.
“People try really, really hard to make their loved ones happy, but as it turns out, most people don’t know crap from Crisco when it comes to presents, and they’d have been better off buying a gift card. All those presents? Yeah, the come right back,” said Walmart spokesman Mario Deluth.
All the returns cause massive headaches for Walmart, the world’s largest retailer, because most of the products cannot be re-sold.
“We get boxes in that have been crushed, pissed on, items broke – you name it, we see it,” said Deluth. “Fact of the matter is, we take a loss on all those presents you buy unnecessarily, so if you wouldn’t mind, next time, just get a gift card or something.”
As Reported By Empire Herald:
Newport Cigarettes, one of the world’s most popular cigarette brands, announced today that they will join the marijuana legalization trend and start producing marijuana cigarettes. Marketed under the brand ‘Newport Nirvana’, the cigarettes will be made available for sale through marijuana-licensed outlets in the state of Colorado, and the state of Washington.
Reynolds American Inc. Chief Marketing Executive Lawrence Harrison, said in an interview that the company has been ecstatic on the idea of marketing cannabis, and has been monitoring the market for some time. It was only when the recent legalization initiatives…
READ FULL STORY HERE
CONCORD, New Hampshire –
The state law board in New Hampshire has ruled that no retail store will be able to open their doors on the day after Thanksgiving, the shopping ‘holiday’ known as Black Friday. According to state representatives, the number of massive injury or deaths has steadily increased over the last 10 years, and they are trying to “lower the possibility” of anything happening.
“Last year, we had 2,000 injuries and 178 deaths statewide in relation to Black Friday shopping,” said NH State Representative Dan Miller. “We had no choice but to shut it down for this year.”
Miller says that the plan is to make sure that all stores are closed from midnight on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving until 7AM on the Saturday following.
“This way, people will not get trampled in dangerous stampedes just to get their hands on a $199 TV or some such nonsense,” said Miller.
When asked if he thought that the “Black Friday” madness would just get pushed to Saturday, causing the injuries or deaths later in the weekend, Miller responded that they “hadn’t thought of that,” and just encouraged more people to stay home and shop online.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Have you had a diet soda recently? We don’t suppose it helped you lose any weight, did it? Of course not. But, the United States government thinks that ‘diet’ has become a word synonymous with losing weight, and has decided to ban it from all food and packaging that shoppers would be exposed to.
“If you go to the store and get a Diet Pepsi, I’d expect, as a normal, everyday kind of guy, that I should be able to drink it and lose weight,” said Mario Lewis, who started a petition with change.org to get the government to remove the label. “I drank a Diet Soda every single day for nearly 20 years. It was my diet plan. All I got from that much diet drink was cancer. I didn’t lose a pound.”
“We agree that something has to change, and so we’ve made the decision to ban the word ‘diet’ from food packaging,” said USDA representative Carl Pooler. “Starting January 1st, ‘diets’ will be a thing of the past. What the new term is, we haven’t decided. We may leave that up to the producer of the specific food.”
This ban comes after similar ones from years past, such as the tobacco industry being forced to remove the term “light” to describe their cigarettes, when those things were still filled with the same amount of rat poison, cow shit, and black death as their “full flavor” counterparts.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
Nevada Halloween Company, located just outside of Las Vegas, began producing a new mask this year that they dubbed “Dummy Politician.” Of course, it’s clearly a likeness of Donald Trump, even if they’re not specifically saying so. Regardless of the gag, though, the mask has shocked the world, going viral, and becoming the number one biggest selling item of all time – of and item.
“It’s not just the biggest selling Halloween mask,” said Derek Jones, president of Nevada Halloween. “We’ve sold more masks than Apple has iPhones. More than Budweiser has sold beer. We’ve sold more of these masks than anyone has ever sold of anything…ever. It’s truly a triumph for our little company.”
According to Jones, the company has sold over 7 billion of the masks, almost enough for every man, woman, and child in the world to go as a “dummy politician” for Halloween.
“It’s really astounding how many we’ve sold, but what’s more astounding is that a lot of people write in to thank us for selling such an ‘American’ product, and that they’re happy we’re doing our part to ‘Make America Great Again,'” said Jones. “I don’t get it. For one, America is already great. Saying we need to make it great again would imply it’s not currently, and that’s not true at all. And two, the mask is called ‘dummy politician.’ How stupid are these voters?”
AUGUSTA, Georgia –
McDonald’s Corporation has announced that they will be doing away with their longtime spokes-clown, Ronald McDonald, after a series of “scary clown” sightings throughout the country that have lead to assaults and terrorism threats.
“We think it’s time that we put Ronald McDonald to rest,” said company spokesman Marshall Richards. “He has been around for nearly 50 years, and it’s time we say goodbye. We have an entire cast of other friendly faces that can step up to take his place. No one is out there running around as a scary Grimace terrorizing people. We think he’ll make a great frontman.”
The company hasn’t aired any new Ronald commercials in 2016, and they said they plan to begin filming new commercials starring The Grimace, as well as the Hamburgler and other old favorites, during the first quarter of next year.
Ronald McDonald will receive a “memorial service” commercial that will be release online-only sometime before Christmas, the company said.