WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.
“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”
DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.
“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”
DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.
BOISE, Idaho –
Michael Lester was a total loser in high school. He had no friends, and no girls would speak to him. After graduation last June, he wasn’t invited to any parties. But thankfully for Lester, he got into a college out of state.
“Oh man, fuck those kids in my high school, they were losers themselves,” said Lester, who now goes by Mike. “I moved out here to Boise, man, and I turned my whole life around. I am going to be better than all of them. I got good grades before, but now I’m going to get a 4.0 in being awesome.”
Mike says that he liked the idea of going to a school out of state so he could be “whoever he wanted to be,” and he made that a reality.
“I used to sit at home at night and play D&D by myself,” said Mike. “Now I go out, I party, I hang out with girls. They think I was some big jock in high school, which is totally hilarious. Yeah, I’m pretty badass now. Everyone loves me.”
ATLANTA, Georgia –
You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.
“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”
The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.
MIAMI, Florida –
In the most intense infection of any recent epidemic, a Miami high school has had to shut its doors after a student who was infected with Zika spread the virus to over 100 students.
“It’s crazy how fast it happened, and there wasn’t anything anyone could do,” said Principal Jack Miller. “The student didn’t know he was infected. Apparently he got it from his family’s illegal maid. Once he came in sick, the place was destroyed faster than Europe during the plague.”
The local Miami chapter of the CDC was called in last Monday to evacuate and quarantine the building. All the students are being forced to stay home for their own safety. Of the 107 confirmed cases of the infection, 32 of the kids and teens were hospitalized. So far, none of the teachers or staff have shown any signs of infection.
The school says they may not be able to open for several months, and that many of the students will have to repeat the school year.
STARLIGHT, Texas –
19 year old Jacob Hicks is in custody for seizing control of a school bus during what fellow passengers describe as a riot. Tabitha Lawrence, who was injured in the altercation says it all started when the boys in the back of the bus were told to move up front.
“They were always giving the bus driver a hard time. He put the lights on and told them to shut up and refused to go up front. I didn’t see who it was but one of them threw his boot at the driver and then it was just chaos. It was like in the movies, the last day of school when everyone throws their papers in the air and goes wild, but like if everyone just started punching each other afterward.”
At that point Jacob Hicks wrestled the bus driver out of his seat and took the wheel. Other boys threw the driver from the bus as Hicks accelerated.
The bus driver, Erwin Mathis, escaped with minor injuries. He says this incident will not end his bus driving career.
“They may steal my bus but they will never take my love of driving bus away from me.”
CINCINNATI, Ohio –
Dr. Henry Heimlich, 96, used the Heimluch maneuver to save Patty Ris, 87, at Deupree House in Cincinnati, and the famous doctor says his life is now complete and he can die happy.
Dr.Heimlich didn’t hesitate. When a fellow diner started choking, the 96-year-old was ready to perform the maneuver that he invented. Perry Gaines, an employee of the Deupree House, who had in fact performed the Heimlich maneuver before, ran toward her table, eager to be a hero, but Dr. Heimlich pushed him out of the way.
“She was sitting in the chair and I turned her around and put my arms around her and pushed below the ribcage. After three compressions this piece of meat came out. It felt wonderful. I had been holding on for this moment, waiting on it my entire life, you could say. I wasn’t about to let some young stud take my moment,” Dr. Heimlich said, referring to the employee who tried to get between him and his moment of glory. “It is a culmination of my life’s work. Now I can die happy…and I have quite a bit of money from Heimlich maneuver royalties, so if anyone can refer me to a nice Kevorkian, I’d tip well. Being this old is worse than I could have imagined. Really I was not doing Patty any favors, saving her life. ”
GORDON, Texas –
Parents of a 15-year-old teen are suing their local school district over their dress policy, after their daughter was sent home one day for inappropriate clothing. The school’s dress code policy requires that girls wear skirts, jumpers, frumpy jeans or “skorts.”
“My little daughter has the perfect little legs – well slightly knobby knees, but that’s not the point. If she was some chunky monkey I could understand prohibiting her from wearing skinny jeans,” said Mario Lewis, whose daughter, Samantha, was sent home for her clothing. “It would be in her own benefit. Just because some girls cannot pull them off does not mean my daughter should be punished.”
“The school is also forcing certain ideas about what it means to be a woman. If I had wanted wardrobe discrimination I would have shipped her off to some charter school where the dress code dictates she always wear dresses and be a proper lady. As a parent I made the informed decision to send her to public school where she could dress like a little skank if she saw fit. It’s my first amendment right.”
Other parents are upset, not at the ban of skinny jeans, but that it does not apply to everybody. “The gay kids get away with it,” says one father, who did not want his name used for fear saying something about gay kids made him look like a homosexual himself.
Some members of the community feel the dress code should be even stricter. Paul Acker, local resident says, “We should go back to a time when girls knew that the husband wears the pants. God’s plan for men and women is different, and not only skinny jeans but short skirts and makeup are a signal to Satan.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Sallie Mae, the leading scam group of vile assholes to whom more than 250 million people owe their lives and money to, is being forced by the United States government to forgive the debt of nearly 100 million current and former students, thanks to new laws passed by President Obama.
According to the White House press release, Sallie Mae will be forced to wipe the slate clean for nearly 100 million students, as it was found that the company used lies and deceitful tactics in securing loan repayments from people.
“I was told that if I paid $50, that I could have an extra six months to start payments, because I was out of school, but hadn’t started work yet,” said Mark Downs, a former student at UCLA. “I paid the $50, and then a month later I get calls from collection agencies. Sallie Mae had turned me over to outside headhunters to get their money. When I told them that Sallie Mae had said I’d have six more months, the rep for the new company said, ‘yeah, they tell that to everyone.'”
Those kinds of practices lead president Obama to work with congress to secure laws that would not allow for-profit companies like Sallie Mae to deal directly with students, causing most debt to be wiped away.
“This company, and several others, have lied people to and falsified information, and they deserve to be punished,” said President Obama in the press release. “We have worked extremely hard to make it so that people who have been hurt financially and emotionally by this company do not have to pay money that, in other circumstances, they would have been able to pay.”
There is currently no word on when or how the program will be put into effect.
PORTLAND, Oregon –
These days, the majority of people seem to dislike their careers, and the Oregon Health and Science University has found out why. After surveying more than a million US workers, the number one reason people hate their jobs is “having to deal with other people’s bullshit.”
Other reasons such as lack of pay, lack of fulfillment, and too little vacation time were cited, the overwhelming majority of people hate their jobs due to the people they work with, the people they work for, or the public that they have to put up with.
Expert Adam Lachance, who worked on the study, says it is a hopeless situation.
“There is no escaping people’s bullshit. No matter what field you are in, you are guaranteed to run into it at least 3 to 5 times a day,” said Lachance. “More if you find yourself in a career that puts you in direct contact with the public, and upwards of 30 to 40 times a day if you find yourself in the unfortunate career of working in a call center.”
Lachance says the careers with the least amount of bullshit to deal with include coma patient, funeral attendant, and unbelievably, car salesman.
PHOENIX, Arizona –
19-year-old college Sophomore Ben James says that he has paid off his entire college tuition in less than two years after he discovered street begging.
“I kept seeing the same homeless guy outside my dorm begging, every single day,” said James, who is earning his degree in business. “One day I just asked him. I said ‘hey man, how much are you actually making out here every day? Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a job?’ And he tells me that he’s making almost $400 a day, every day. I couldn’t believe it.”
James says that the next day he went to the thrift store, bought some ratty clothes, and rubbed them in dirt and cut them up. He found a corner near a busy intersection, and says he took in nearly $300 on his first day out.
“People feel sorry for you when you’re homeless, and they like to give. They especially like to give if you’re young, and they like to give if you have a funny sign,” said James. “I’ve even had other homeless guys throw me a couple bucks. Of course, I let them in on my secret that I’m not homeless, and just trying to pay for college. They actually thought it was a great idea.”
So far, James has brought in over $85,000 from begging, enough to pay for his entire four years as a student at the University of Phoenix.