California Begins New Sex-Education Program in Schools By Showing Children Porno Movies

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SAN DIEGO, California – 

California’s school system has something new they’re trying, and it’s causing a bit of controversy.

According to parents at a San Diego school, students in 8-10th grades are being show adult films as part of their sex education classes.

“With the advent of the internet, we know that most of these kids have already logged on and searched for porn before,” said school superintendent Mark Rollins. “We know that this method seems unorthodox, but we have spent hundreds of hours searching through thousands of videos that show the basics of sex without going too far into any specific kink. We don’t want teachers to have to explain golden showers, rimming, or girl-on-donkey, or anything like that.”

Parents, naturally, are outraged, as according to one parent, they weren’t even given the option to opt out of the programs.

“I had no idea that my son Joey was being exposed to P-O-R-N,” said Kathy Meyers, a parent of a 9th grade student. “If I had, I would have pulled him out of this school immediately. Joey already knows that B-A-B-I-E-S are brought by the S-T-O-R-K and that S-E-X has nothing do to with it. That’s a dirty, dirty word, and it has no place in our schools, or even in our H-O-M-E-S.”

On the other hand, most students are extremely happy with their new class schedule, and are excited to continue learning.

“I just really hope the allow us a 10 to 15 minute break after sex ed before we head to our next class,” said Ricky Cutler, 14, and an 8th grade student at San Diego Junior High. “I mean…it’s definitely a stimulating lesson.”

President Trump Signs a New Bill Forgiving All Student Loan Debt, Wants To ‘Make Education Great Again’

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Trump signed a new bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt caused by college loans.

“Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government,” said President Trump. “With this new bill, anyone who has taken loans from the federal government, at any point, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.”

Although the bill was signed on Friday afternoon, the program will not begin until the end of 2018, at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts on their loans delete automatically.

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“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and not just worry about a future of paying back debt.”

With close to $1 billion in net income every year, private lender Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.

“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in forgiving anything. These little fuckers took out the loans, they can pay them back – with interest,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Sure, yeah, education is important to us. You know what else is important? Learning about paying back your debts – with interest – or ruining your credit for life. Sorry you chose to pursue a degree in art history, little Johnny. Maybe you should have chosen a major that would make you some money.”

Florida School To Allow Students To Bring Guns To Class For Protection

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MIAMI, Florida –

A school district in Miami has voted to allow students in grades 3-12 to bring guns and other weapons to school, in hopes that it will curb a potential deadly school shooting.

“We strongly believe that if a student here wanted to come in and cause a massacre, that it can be thwarted by them knowing that the entire school is packing,” said Principal Jorge Kelly. “While most teachers were leery of bringing guns onto campus, these children have grown up with video games like Call of Duty, and watched violent movies since birth. They know how to handle a weapon.”

Parents of students in the district say they are already “sleeping more soundly” knowing that such a sweeping change was happening that would protect their children.

“We are very grateful to the school district for allowing this to happen,” said Maria Lambert, a parent of a child in 7th grade. “My son already has a rifle that we gifted him for hunting with his grandfather. Now he can bring it to class, and we will feel much safer.”

“I’m so stoked to bring my gat to class,” said high school sophomore Chris Rifkin. “I bought it from a bro I know, and he says the thing shoots straight as hell. If any motherfucker comes up in this bitch ready to pop off, I’m gonna place a few between his eyes. Blat! Blat! Bitch.”

Teenager Arrested and Expelled After Pretending To Be Transgender So He Can Use Girls’ Showers

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HORNWOOD, South Carolina – 

A student at a high school in South Carolina has been arrested and expelled from school after it was discovered that he was not, as purported, a transgender student, but was in fact just trying to sneak into the girls’ showers so he can see them naked.

As reported by World News Daily Report:

Soccamee high school officials were alarmed by the student’s indecent behavior after several students and parents lodged complaints and reported the “immoral behavior” to school administrators.

The transgender male student was recently allowed by school officials to use all female washrooms, including having access to the girl’s locker room, after he had asked to be treated as a biological female.

The transgender male student also allegedly bragged about how the school would let him take showers with the girls just because he “wore a wig” and “painted his nails” according to several students.

The student, who has not been named, was arrested after it was stated that he inappropriately touched several of the girls while in the shower, and even was found masturbating while the girls were changing.

“He always had this huge erection while we were in the shower, I never understood why the school allowed a boy to be in the girls’ shower with us,” one female student told local reporters. “And I do mean huge. It kind of made me wish that he wasn’t a she, or…whatever. I just wanted him to ask for my number. I’ve gone black, but I’d definitely go back for that.”

The student was expelled from the school, and arrested on charges of lewd conduct and sexual battery.

 

President Trump Backtracks On ‘Arming Teachers’ Idea; Claims He Forgot There Were Black Teachers

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Trump has gone back on his statements about arming teachers throughout the United States, claiming that he now considers it a “bad idea.”

“When I originally talked about arming the teachers of this country, with plans of having them trained and organized in order to better protect our children, it didn’t occur to me that we also have, well, you know…Blacks teaching our kids,” said Trump. “Obviously, we cannot arm more black people. They are half the reason we have gun violence in the first place.”

Trump also went on to state that no one had told him that there are, in some instances, teachers of a Mexican descent, as well as Muslim school teachers.

“The idea of arming these people, that’s something I cannot deal with,” said Trump. “There definitely is an answer we need to find for the protection of our students, of our schools, but arming minorities isn’t the way.”

The FDA and CDC Just CONFIRMED That Vaccines Cause Autism

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

There’s widespread and growing lack of confidence in the safety of vaccines. If you know anyone who still believes that vaccines can’t cause autism, you might want to show them this article. Take a look at the DTaP vaccine insert:

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These reports come directly from the FDA website, where they have had it posted for several years, although it was “buried” under a lot of links and other research that obscured the actual research.

“This has been a problem for many, many years, and I’m glad it’s finally coming to light,” said Dr. Mario Garcia, who was one of the first to find the correlation between vaccines and autism. “I was shut out for years from being able to talk about this, but now that others are finding out, I am very grateful. Please, do not vaccinate your children.”

 

Mother Says Playground Equipment Hurts Her Child’s Feelings And Needs To Be REMOVED

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Redwood Falls, MN-

Mother Candice Benner is suing Reede Gray Elementary School to install more handicap accessible equipment. Mrs. Benner says if they do not act soon she will tear the existing equipment out herself.

“It’s bad enough the kids run around in front of her. Tabatha’s dream is to play kickball, but of course they refuse to modify the rules so she can participate. But the biggest indignity is that she can’t use the slide. If they refuse to update the equipment, it should all be torn out…and if they don’t act soon, I’ll take it out myself.”

Superintendent, Rich Smellingworth says they simply do not have it in their budget. The school was forced to update their playground equipment five years before when Mothers Against Wooden Playground Equipment (MAWPE) sued the school to update the equipment. Although the small school did not have any handicapped children at the time they did include two disability friendly swings in accordance with the American’s with Disabilities Act.

PTA mother, Amy Dixon thinks the money could be better allocated. “If, we could afford one of them special slides there I’d be for it, but we can’t. And honestly I think when there is extra money in the budget our first priority should be taking the toxic GMO ingredients out of the cafeteria. It would be something for all the children, including Mrs. Benner’s daughter. Perhaps with a preservative free diet she would have more mobility.”

Another parent , who wishes to remain anonymous says, “Well it’s not fair to her daughter. But life aint fair…Should we chop off the little boys’ you-know-whats because some of the girls have penis envy. Life aint fair.”

Betsy DeVos: ‘Dropping Out of School Is Best Choice For Many Kids’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos, who was appointed by Donald Trump to oversee the country’s education, said today that she feels that a good choice for many children will be to drop out of school all together.

“Sometimes, kids are just stupid, lazy, or stupid and lazy, and the best choice for them would be to drop out and start working early,” said DeVos, who has never attended a public school. “McDonalds employees, ditch diggers, and construction workers or laborers, they can all work very well having little to no education. There’s no reason that I can see that a child who is just going to be burden on the school system shouldn’t leave – or be asked to leave.”

DeVos has said she is working with Trump to decide if the age in which a child can leave school, which is currently set at 16, should be lowered.

“I believe that there are kids who are 7 or 8 years old who we know, by that point, are not going to make it through school,” said DeVos. “Should we force them, encourage them, and help them to learn if they’re just never going to be smart enough to make it through? That’s a waste of time and, frankly, a waste of money. Better to cut ties early, I think. It will just hurt the education of kids who aren’t idiots if we leave in all these little retards.”

DeVos says that letting “kids who are morons” leave schools could save taxpayers billions of dollars over only a few short years.

Teen Who Was a Loser in High School Now Pretentious College Student

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BOISE, Idaho – 

Michael Lester was a total loser in high school. He had no friends, and no girls would speak to him. After graduation last June, he wasn’t invited to any parties. But thankfully for Lester, he got into a college out of state.

“Oh man, fuck those kids in my high school, they were losers themselves,” said Lester, who now goes by Mike. “I moved out here to Boise, man, and I turned my whole life around. I am going to be better than all of them. I got good grades before, but now I’m going to get a 4.0 in being awesome.”

Mike says that he liked the idea of going to a school out of state so he could be “whoever he wanted to be,” and he made that a reality.

“I used to sit at home at night and play D&D by myself,” said Mike. “Now I go out, I party, I hang out with girls. They think I was some big jock in high school, which is totally hilarious. Yeah, I’m pretty badass now. Everyone loves me.”

House That Normally Gives Drugs On Halloween Disappoints Families By Only Giving Candy

ATLANTA, Georgia –

You always hear about it on the news, but you never knew where it was. As it turns out, the answer to the question of “where is that house that always gives drugs to kids on Halloween?” is: Atlanta, Georgia. Except, not anymore. The one house in the nation that always could be counted on to give hardcore, expensive, mind-altering drugs to you children has decided that they need to clean up their act.

“We normally give really cool ecstasy tabs or MDMA pills or, really, whatever we have on hand,” said the homeowner, who would rather not be named publicly. “We have had kids, and parents, of course, lining up around the block before. We’re all about giving back to the community, but we really couldn’t afford it this year. It normally runs us about a quarter of a million to hand that stuff out on Halloween, and with the cost of living increases, Obamacare premiums, and gas prices, we just can’t handle it.”

The owners have said that they plan to just give candy this year, but to appease some angry kids and their uptight parents, they have decided they will give full-sized chocolate bars, and not minis.

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