Dolph Lundgren To Replace Bill Nye on New Netflix TV Series

dolph

LOS ANGELES, California – 

After a series of memes was released online comparing the scientific background of TV host Bill Nye (“The Science Guy”) and action star Dolph Lundgren, Netflix has decided to replace Nye on his own show, Bill Nye Saves The World, with Lundgren.

“We really wanted someone who knew what they were talking about, from a scientific perspective, when we decided to create this series,” says Netflix representative Mario Jones. “After it went online, though, many people began to complain that Nye was not qualified to host a series, at least not compared to Dolph Lundgren. We found it odd, but if there’s one thing Netflix does right, it’s create shows people want to watch.”

Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme relates the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren
Although not 100% accurate (Lundgren studied chemistry at Washington State, but did not receive a degree from the school), this internet meme compared the qualifications of Bill Nye and Dolph Lundgren

To their credit, the internet is mostly right. Dolph Lundgren, best known for roles in the Rocky franchise and in The Expendables films, both co-starring Sylvester Stallone, does have an impressive scientific background, with multiple degrees in varying sciences. Lundgren, whose IQ is 160, says he is “excited” to host the show, but sad for Bill Nye.

“I don’t know the guy, he seems alright. He hosted a show for a long time, but back then, there was no internet, so it was hard for people to be so vocal and critical,” said Lundgren. “I hope that when I take over the show for the next season, people will be happy with the information, and find me qualified to deliver it.”

The series will be renamed Dolph Lundgren Punches You In The Face With Science when it returns in 2018.

Babysitter Takes Acid, Eats 3-Month-Old Baby After Cooking Her In The Oven

DE SOTO, Missouri –

Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.

Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.

Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”

“I just took a few tabs  because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”

The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”

 

Man Forcibly Inserts Handgun Into Anus Because He Thinks It Is The ‘Safest Place’ To Keep It

gun

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

Dale Kyle, 40, was recently hospitalized after he says he put his 1887 Colt Peacemaker into his anus, thinking it was the “safest place” for it to be.

According to doctors, Kyle put the gun in his own ass because his house has been robbed over a dozen times in a matter of 5 years, and in several of those instances, his entire gun collection was taken.

“Basically, the only place a gun is safe is when you’re carrying it,” said Kyle. “But I sleep naked, and I don’t want anyone sneaking up on me while I’m in my birthday suit. So I figured the best thing would be to just slip it on up. I thought if I had it handy, I could push it out at a moment’s notice, just in case.”

As Kyle found, though, the rectum is not designed for entry, and things can easily become lodged.

His doctor, Kristopher McKenna, says that this is not the first gun he has seen wedged into a middle-aged man’s derrière.

“Men in their 40s to 50s, they like to stick things in their ass,” said Dr. McKenna. “I don’t know why, I never went through that phase myself. I think it’s a southern thing, and I was raised in New York. Either way, this isn’t the first time I’ve pulled something out of some dude’s ass, and it no doubt won’t be the last.”

Trump Becomes First Person To Admit Their Favorite Band is Nickelback

trumpback

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

During an impromptu press conference at the White House, President Trump answered questions about his first 100 days in office, and also briefly joked with reporters about some of his favorite things about living in Washington D.C.

“The White House has an incredible sound system,” said Trump. “My favorite band has always been Nickelback, because I am a Leader of Men, and because their song How You Remind Me is a triumph of modern rock. Now that I live in the White House, I crank them through the building’s awesome surround sound. I can walk from room to room, and just keep listening. It’s amazing.”

For years, the Canadian rock act has been the butt of internet jokes, with most people referring to them as the worst band of all time, despite being one of the biggest selling music acts in history, and regularly selling out arenas around the world.

President Trump is the first person to ever admit publicly that they are a favorite band.

Netflix Show ’13 Reasons Why’ Sparks Thousands of Teens To Commit Suicide

13

LOS ANGELES, California – 

The new series from Netflix, 13 Reasons Why, which deals with the aftermath of a young teen who commits suicide, has apparently ‘triggered’ thousands of teenagers across the country to kill themselves.

“It’s shocking, really, that our little girl killed herself,” said Mary Lambert, 50, a mother of three whose oldest daughter, 19-year-old Alyssa killed herself last week. “We didn’t know she was even watching the show, let alone depressed in the first place. It’s really just the pits.”

Netflix says that the show is not designed for children and teens, but many kids have reported watching it anyway.

“I wasn’t really depressed before I watched the show, but then as I watched, I saw how much everyone actually cared after the girl killed herself, and I was like ‘Damn!’,” said Hannah, age 15. “I didn’t kill myself, at least not yet. Depends on how the show keeps going. I’m only like 5 episodes in.”

Many people are saying that it is “irresponsible” of Netflix to provide such content to teens, and not even offer a warning or a resource label with 800-numbers or websites that can help, much like other shows and movies have done that deal with heavy subjects.

Netflix says that they’re “very sorry” to hear that so many teens are killing themselves after watching the show.

“It’s a shame that teens are taking the wrong message from our show,” said Netflix spokesman Kyle Chandler. “It’s even worse for them now, because we just confirmed that we are going to continue the story with a season 2.”

Registered Sex Offender ‘Very Upset’ Children Stopped Playing ‘Pokemon Go’ Mobile Game

pokemon

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Mark Henry, a registered sex offender who has been convicted more than a dozen times for crimes against teens and children, says he is “very upset” that no one plays Pokemon Go anymore.

“I used to be able to meet tons of little kids, because everyone was playing it, and now the only people I’m meeting are other pervs who are out looking for kids, too,” said Henry. “It’s stupid. I wish they’d make a new game I could use to track kids.”

Pokemon Go was the most popular mobile game of all time, with hundreds of millions of downloads – but that was last year. Since the release, users have stopped playing in droves, with an average of only 3 or 4 people still playing in any given town on any given day.

“Last summer, kids were everywhere, and now, they haven’t been anywhere,” said Henry. “Plenty of Squirtles are out there, but no kids. I’m suffering, here.”

The game would allow players to catch Pokemon in the “real world” using augmented reality. Many players worked together to “Catch ’em all.”

Country Star Loretta Lynn Says She’s Sick of Getting Hate Mail For Loretta Lynch

NASHVILLE, Tennessee – 

Country legend Loretta Lynch, best known for her his song The Coal Miner’s Daughter, says she is “sick to death” of getting hate mail, emails, and tweets aimed at former Attorney General Loretta Lynch.

“I don’t know the woman, but Republicans apparently hate that bitch,” said Lynn, 84. “I get hundreds of emails and tweets each day, confusing me with her. I don’t know why. I sing music, she’s just some black attorney. I don’t see the connection.”

Former Attorney General Loretta Lynch, who was appointed by Barack Obama, has never been liked by Republican voters, but has recently been in the news for Republican reports that she is tied to a Clinton scandal.

This is not the first time that celebrities have been confused for one another. Rachel Roy was allegedly the woman referenced as having an affair with Beyonce’s husband, and many Beyonce fans attacked TV personality Rachel Ray via twitter. Adam Sandler often gets hate mail that should be directed at Gilbert Godfried, also. Although he reportedly also gets plenty of his own as well.

Police Discover Meth Lab In Back Room of Alabama Walmart

walmart-crop

DECATUR, Alabama – 

Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.

Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.

“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”

No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.

Morgue Employee Cremated By Mistake While Taking a Nap During His Break

morgueemployee

BEAUMONT, Texas –

48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.

According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.

Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.

“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”

Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.

 

Chuck Berry Not Actually Dead, ‘I’m Just a Heavy Sleeper’ Says Rock Legend

berry

ST. LOUIS, Missouri – 

Chuck Berry, the man that many people say originated modern rock ‘n’ roll music, was reported as having passed away at the age of 90 by mainstream media, and the topic was trending on Facebook and other social media sites by mid-day Saturday. As it turns out, though, the reports were false.

“Chuck is still alive and kicking, albeit with a lot less force than a few years ago,” said a friend of Berry’s, Marvin Richardson. “I was just hanging out with him last night. He played a few licks on the guitar for me, and he got a good laugh out of the fact that everyone thought he was dead. He said he was only taking a nap!”

Berry, who has a career that spans over 60 years, is the latest in what some people would refer to as a “death hoax,” but in this case, it seems that Berry is in good spirits about it and doesn’t think it was a traditional hoax.

“I don’t think anyone said I had died on purpose to fool people,” said Berry. “I think that my family, my friends, and even my doctors really thought I was dead. I do sleep really, really soundly, and sometimes I think my heart may actually be stopping. I guess this just confirms it.”

Berry will perform his 300th concert at Blueberry Hill next month, assuming he hasn’t died for real by that point.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.