9th Grade Class in Alabama Performs Suicide Pact After Watching ‘Momo’ Video Online

Posted on February 28, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HUNTSVILLE, Alabama –

A 9th grade class made up of 28 students in Huntsville, Alabama, have reportedly killed themselves in a “mass suicide pact,” after reportedly watching a new viral video online.

“Momo,” which is a stupid internet hoax that has been blown way out of proportion by the media, has now lost its hoax status after all the students were found dead in their school’s basement.

The children, most of whom were 14 or 15, reportedly each bought sleeping pills and bleach, and drank the toxic mixture. Police say the crime scene is “the worst in the history of police work.”

Melanie Reeve, 16, said one of her best friends was one of the teens who killed themselves, but she says she has “no idea” why should would do it.

“Everyone knows the Momo thing is fucking fake, that’s old news and no one actually cares about it except the news and old parents,” said Reeve. “I have no idea why [name redacted] did this. I told her that Momo wasn’t real, and she was just like ‘I know,’ but then did it anyway.”

Police are cautioning parents not to let their kids go “anywhere near the internet” until the Momo craze blows over.

Florida Man Arrested After Authorities Find 29 Mutilated Bodies Under His Porch

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TALLAHASEE, Florida –

A Florida man has been arrested after police discovered 29 mutilated and sexually-assaulted bodies under his porch. Police were lead to the home of Raymond Garfield, 30, after an anonymous tip.

According to reports, Garfield may have been murdering young women for over 10 years. He had been raping them, and killing them in numerous way – but all of the women were picked up in a local swingers bar.

“Mr. Garfield was seen frequenting a local nightclub, Le Swing, many times over the last several years, and would always leave with a young lady,” said Police Captain Lou Albano. “The women, several of whom were regulars, were never seen again. An investigation into Mr. Garfield was conducted after an anonymous bar patron called us, concerned about the constant stream of missing women he had seen leave with Garfield over several months.”

Garfield, a former construction worker, was arrested without incident. He is currently being held with no bail, with a court date set for March 3rd. If convicted, he will likely face the death penalty.

Want Your Baby To Have Beautiful Green Eyes? Eat Your Boogers During Pregnancy

Posted on January 31, 2019 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

It all started as a simple thread in a well-known Spanish forum called “forocoches,” where someone posted the following question: “If I eat snot, will my children have green eyes?”

The post went viral around the world generating discussion. That’s why researchers at Harvard University in Boston, Massachusetts decided to study the effect – expecting to find no correlation. Their findings turned out to be extremely surprising.

They concluded that swallowing snot increases 80% the chances of green eyes for the baby.

“Believe it or not, we already knew about some benefits of eating your own boogers,” said Dr. Sam Not, who headed up the research. “It actually has health benefits, including boosting your immune system. What we didn’t know was that it directly correlated to eye color in the fetus of a pregnant woman. Our findings were astounding.”

Unfortunately, the news broke quite quickly, and has since become viral on social media. With doctors advocating for snot eating, many mothers-to-be are asking the really tough questions, such as “does snot contain gluten?” and ”If I’m a vegan, can I eat my snot?”

“Sorry to say, that medical science has not quite caught up to those questions yet,” said Dr. Not.

After Record Number of Children Disappear, Man Arrested With 47 Kids Found Locked In His Basement

Posted on October 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MIAMI, Florida

A Florida man has been charged with felony kidnapping and attempted murder after authorities discovered 47 missing children locked in the basement of his home.

According to police, more than 50 children have been reported missing in Miami since last Monday, and police were at a loss about the disappearances, until a tip lead them to the home of Mario Wilson, 50. Police say that an anonymous call led them to them.

“We have no idea who made the call, or how they knew where to find the children, but we are grateful,” said police chief Mitch Rogers. “We have found 47 of the 52 children reported missing. We are still hunting for the 5 remaining children, and at this point, we have no reason to consider them anything other than ‘missing.’”

Wilson reportedly was luring children into his home with the prospect of watching an unreleased Pokemon movie, to which every child gleefully ran into the home. Inside, they were disappointed to find that it was just a VHS tape of old recorded episodes.

Police Officer in Australia Was Beaten and Raped By a Wild Kangaroo

Posted on September 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

A police office in Australia was hospitalized with several injuries after he was beaten and sexually assaulted by a wild kangaroo during the course of duty, reports Canberra newspaper The Canberra Times.

Via World News Daily Report:

The attack occurred at 2 am yesterday after police officers responded to residents who were alarmed by an intruder on their property.

Police officers arrived on the scene to find an extremely aggressive kangaroo and attempted to scare away the animal, without success.
“He jumped on my partner, kicked him unconscious to the floor and started humping him and attempted to mate with him,” Constable Pete Turnbull told reporters.

Constable Malcolm Rudd suffered from two cuts and a black eye as well as multiple concussions to the head after the kangaroo in heat attempted to mate with the officer’s head.

“He was humping and rubbing his penis all over my partner’s face in a brutal fashion. I had to tase the animal or else he would have killed him” Constable Pete Turnbull explained, visibly emotional.

It took several minutes before Constable Turnbull realized that his partner was in trouble as he was dealing with the residents who had called during the assault.

“When he was lying unconscious on the ground, it was dark and I thought his head was covered in blood. Thankfully, it was mostly kangaroo sperm,” Constable Turnbull told reporters in relief.

Man Taken Into Custody After Telling Bar Patrons He Was WWE’s ‘The Undertaker,’ Tried To Tombstone The Bouncer

Posted on June 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania –

Mark Callaway, 46, was arrested on Thursday evening after he became drunk and belligerent at the Cap ‘N Cock bar in New Brighton, Pennsylvania. According to police reports, Callaway began telling other patrons that he was The Undertaker, a popular WWE wrestler, and was encouraging others to smash a chair off his back to prove it.

“When Mr. Callaway was asked to leave by security, he became enraged, and tried to perform a tombstone piledriver on the bouncer, which unfortunately injured both of them,” said police chief Carl Carpenter. “We arrived on scene along with an ambulance, and Callaway was transported to a local hospital.”

Carpenter says that had Callaway left on his own accord, he’d have been allowed to go home, but because of the assault, he will be facing up to 2 years in prison if the bar presses charges.

Florida Millionaire Arrested After Authorities Discover Over 700 Bodies Buried In His Backyard

Posted on June 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NAPLES, Florida –

Jerry Richards, 73, was arrested this week at his home in Naples, Florida after a neighbor spotted him very obviously burying a body behind his house. When police arrested Richards, he admitted to having over 700 bodies buried throughout his property. Police have currently exhumed 587 bodies in varying stages of decay.

“Mr. Jerry Richards is likely the most prolific serial killer in history,” said Police Captain Robert Thomas of the Naples Police Department. “Based on the remains we have found so far, Richards has been murdering and burying bodies in his yard for over 35 years.”

According to public records, Richards purchased his Naples home in 1982, when he was 38-years-old. Richards came into money after his father, Carl Richards, left him a large inheritance, which he invested in both stocks and real estate. Upon his arrest, Richards net worth was well over $35 million.

Although the District Attorney believes the case to be “open and shut,” Richards has not yet stood before a judge to determine bail. With Richards’ excessive means, it’s likely he will be denied bail and forced to sit in jail awaiting sentencing. If convicted, Richards will likely be given the death penalty.

MTV Announces Drastic Programming Change – They’re Going Back to Music Videos!

Posted on June 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Viacom Networks, the parent company of MTV, VH1, Nickelodeon, and others, has announced a major programming change for one of their longest-running networks. MTV, which started in the early 80s as a station airing music videos and music-related programming such as interviews with musicians, stopped showing music videos well over a decade ago, and now focuses on reality programming.

“We have decided that nostalgia is the winner here,” said MTV Chairman Reed Morris. “The people have spoken – in fact, they’ve been speaking for years – and they want their MTV. So we have made the decision to remove all existing programming, and go back to our roots. We will begin showing music videos on our network beginning in August.”

It has been a long-running joke that MTV no longer showed any music videos, despite their name – “Music TV.” Many on the internet bashed the company for their change to reality shows, and have been begging for music videos ever since.

“The funny thing is, a channel dedicated to just music videos is completely irrelevant in this day and age,” said MTV superfan Ryan Rogers. “I mean, I miss the days of watching my favorite videos on TV, but even I think this is kind of dumb. I can just go to YouTube and look up whatever I want, any time I want. I don’t need MTV. But it’s still cool they’re willing to ruin their whole network just for the ‘fans’.”

Man Dies After Being Bitten by Daddy Long Legs

Posted on June 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BOSTON, Massachusetts –

As most people know, the Daddy Long Legs spider is the most venomous spider on the planet, but their fans are generally not sharp or strong enough to break the skin of most animals, including people. Apparently, no one told Christopher Moore, 32, who was killed after being bitten by the spider on Wednesday.

Moore, who was renovating a new home, was bitten early Wednesday morning, and ended up being rushed to the hospital. Because doctors had never seen the symptoms of a DLL bite before, they had no idea what was causing Moore’s illness. He was pronounced dead only 20 minutes after sustaining the bite.

During testing, doctors were able to discover the cause; it has since been classified as the first fatality from Daddy Long Legs.

“Craziest damn thing I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Charles Milstead, who treated Moore. “He had very soft skin, I guess. Damn spider bit right through him, and he died in minutes. I’m still flabbergasted.”

Michael Jackson’s Father, Joe Jackson, Reported Dead…Again

Posted on June 27, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Joe Jackson, the extremely abusive father and former manager of The Jackson Five, died today. He was 89. Only last week, he was the “victim” of a death hoax after he was reportedly hospitalized with advance-stage cancer. His family refuted the claims last week, but have now since stated that yeah, the guy is finally, and thankfully, dead.

The Jackson family made a public announcement about the death of the Patriach, stating that “We really aren’t affected by his death,” with at least one family member quoted as saying “good riddance.”

“Honestly, the guy was a royal prick, and everyone knew that,” said one of the Jackson clan, speaking anonymously so as not to “make waves” throughout the family. “Everyone has seen The Jacksons: An American Dream. God knows VH1 has been airing it for decades. He was a cold-blooded bastard who beat the kids regularly, especially Michael. Did he push everyone to become better performers? Maybe, sure. But not the expense of having a life, and of love.”

Joe Jackson will be remembered my some, and forgotten by most. His family says that in lieu of flowers, please send worn leather belts and broken tree branches in remembrance.