CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia –
A retirement home in Virginia was busted by the FBI, and 7 people were arrested after authorities were tipped off that the home was running and underground fight club in their recreation room after hours.
According to federal agents, the home was requiring residents to partake in the fights in order to obtain necessities such as meals and medications. They would live-stream the fights online in a pay-per-view fashion. It is estimated that they took in over $125 million in the last 3 years running the illegal fights.
“The older the contestants, the more brutal things got,” said FBI Agent Roger Kramer. “They were desperate for their meds, so they’d use weapons – chairs, walkers, canes – whatever they had.”
Two owners of the retirement community, as well as two employees and three residents were arrested and implicated in the scheme. Currently, they each face a maximum of 15 years in prison if convicted.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
For those hoping to see Bill Cosby serve an extended prison sentence where he would likely end up dying, you may have to keep waiting.
This afternoon, when Trump was asked about his thoughts on Bill Cosby’s verdict, the President stated that he would be “completely pardoning” the fallen comedian.
“Regardless of what that jury thinks, or what anyone thinks, Bill Cosby has always been America’s dad – and America’s dad would never sexually assault and drug all those women,” said President Trump. “As soon as he is officially sentenced, I will be offering Mr. Cosby a full pardon, and the apology of the U.S. justice system. The fact that he has been found guilty is sickening.”
Trump, who has been accused by many, many women of also being a sexual predator, states that pardoning Cosby has “nothing to do” with his own conscience, and everything to do with “writing a serious wrong.”
“I love Bill Cosby, I loved The Cosby Show, and I love Jello Pudding,” said President Trump. “If you cannot get behind those things as well, then I don’t know how you can even call yourself an American.”
ATLANTA, GA –
It’s a warning being sent out to parents across the country after a 3 year old Florida girl loses her life. Intense tickling of children under the age of 7 may cause asphyxiation which commonly leads to death. Trina Williams, 28, allegedly learned this the hard way and is now facing involuntary manslaughter charges for the death of her toddler.
Williams said it was an innocent case of “the tickle game” that she played with her daughter ever since she was two months old. “Me and Tati love to play this game, we do it every night…. well, we did,” Williams told police, very straight faced, calm and collective. “I don’t know, then she just stopped moving, she was laughing hard and then went silent. I don’t know what went wrong. But I still have 6 other kids so we cool. I’ll miss her, but I guess it was just her fate.”
However, police are quite buying Williams story about what happened during her “innocent” tickle game. “Just by her statement she gave about what happened, I don’t believe her,” said chief of police Gerald Watson. “The toddler had bruises all over her body, and were still waiting for the autopsy report. This mom claims they were tickling bruises…yeah right. Either way, she killed her daughter and she has this ‘I don’t care because I have more kids’ attitude and it’s really disgusting.
PITTSBURGH, PA –
Police are reporting that comedian, actor, and convicted rapist Bill Cosby has been found dead in his home of an apparent suicide. Medical reports indicate that he took his entire stash of roofies, and collapsed due to cardiac arrest.
“Mr. Cosby, as we all know very well now, was a rapist who enjoyed drugging women and sexually assaulting them,” said Police Captain Phil Huxtable of the PA County Sheriff’s Department. “It appears that in an effort to avoid a prison sentence, one where he no doubt would have stayed until he died, he decided to take his own life by resorting to ‘hitting off his own stash,’ as it were.”
Cpt. Huxtable says that Cosby likely took over 150 Rohpynol pills, often called “roofies” or the “date rape drug.” These are also likely the same pills that Cosby used to drug and rape dozens and dozens and dozens of women over the years. He was found guilty earlier this week of 3 counts of sexual assault. Each count had a maximum sentence of 10 years, and individual fines of $25,000 per offense.
SAN DIEGO, California –
Famed falled comedian Bill Cosby was rushed to a San Diego hospital after he was found violently beaten outside of his home. Police say that a neighbor called 911 after they saw Cosby laying in a pool of blood by his mailbox. A woman, whose name has not yet been released, has been arrested in conjunction with the assault.
According to police, the woman claims that Cosby raped her nearly 35 years ago, and that she felt it was “her time.”
Cosby has been accused by dozens of women of sexual misconduct over his long career, including several who say he drugged them and assaulted them while they were unconscious. Cosby, who was once the most loved man on television, has found himself the butt of jokes by other comedians who once idolized him.
Doctors say that Cosby is in stable, but critical condition. He was taken in with multiple broken ribs, a crack vertebrae in his neck, two broken wrists, as well as multiple contusions and cuts across his whole body. He was stabbed in the chest 3 times with what police say was a “very small” pocketknife.
DELUTH, Mississippi –
A morbidly obese woman, who police are calling “one of the fattest” they’ve ever had in custody, was arrested on Friday after she smothered her boyfriend during a sex act.
Police reports claim that “Mary” (name changed to protect identity), 28, who weighs a staggering 423 pounds, was arrested after her boyfriend (“Joe”) was found dead her bedroom. Police say Mary called them after she smothered Joe to death during a “69.”
“He wanted me to go down on him, which is totally fine, but if he’s gonna get some, so am I,” said Mary. “In retrospect, it probably should have been at separate times. I got on top of him and we both started going to town. A few minutes later, when I was done, I realized he’d gone pretty limp, and I turned around and he was completely blue in the face.”
Although Mary says it was an accidental death, police took her into custody, saying that there’s “no way” Mary wouldn’t have known that her 423 pound form wasn’t going to completely cut off Joe’s air supply once she was sitting on her chest and covering his entire face with her massive girl-mound.
“We have reason to believe that this was not an accident, and we are looking at all angles,” said Police Chief Mario Cutler. “We learned that Joe had recently taken out a large life insurance policy, and Mary has been trying to save for liposuction for many years. She was the sole beneficiary on Joe’s policy. We suspect foul play. Very, very foul.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
After a major ratings success last week with the return of Roseanne, whose politics have taken center stage after she made it known that she was an ardent Trump supporter, the President himself has made a surprise announcement that he appears in one of the episodes of the new season, which will run for 8 more weeks on ABC.
“It’s true that I appear as myself in an episode of Roseanne,” said President Trump during a recent press conference. “I was asked to appear, and thought it would be a fun return to TV. I’ve been friends with Rosie for many years, and was honored to make an appearance.”
The President did not comment in which episode he would appear, but a White House entertainment spokesperson said that they are not 100% sure which episode it is.
“The shows for this season were not shot sequentially, so we’re not sure. I guess you’ll have to watch them all,” said the representative. “We think it will be great fun for all Trump supporters, and even his detractors may get a laugh out of it. No one has ever said that Trump can’t laugh at himself a bit. And if they have, well, they’re wrong.”
Roseanne airs Tuesday nights on ABC. Check local listings for times and channel numbers.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
Todd Riley, 31, was diagnosed with type 1, or “juvenille” diabetes when he was 3 years old, and has always had to make sure to carry an insulin pump or a candy bar with him wherever he goes. That is, until last year, when Riley began his journey to purposely contract type 2 diabetes.
“It’s pretty simple, really,” said Riley, a former construction worker. “I have type 1 diabetes, and my blood sugar was always dangerously low. If I gain a bunch of weight and become a type 2 diabetic, my blood sugar will skyrocket, basically making me normal.”
Doctors have cautioned Riley that it “doesn’t work that way,” but Riley has said that he thinks doctors are just trying to keep him skinny so that they can continue medicating him.
“I pay thousands of dollars for my medication, and I’ve found a way to beat their system, and they’re terrified,” said Riley.
Riley, who was always very skinny most of his life, gained over 300 pounds since late 2016, and says that he has “happily” come closer to becoming a type 2 diabetic.
“I figure within the next couple of months, I will finally be able to control my diabetes naturally,” said Riley. “It’s really a great feeling.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In light of the accusations being made against her husband, President Trump, of infidelity with a former porn star, Melania Trump announced today that he has signed a $12 million contract with Brazzers, the adult website, with plans to complete 5 pornographic films. Sources close to the film company say one of those movies will also John Di Domenico, the world’s most well-known Trump impersonator.
Melania began her career as a model before becoming the World’s Most Powerful Woman as the First Lady.
“Now that Melania has settled into her role as First Lady, and found that there really isn’t much to do other than pose for pictures and try and ignore her disgusting, fat husband, she’s really getting bored,” said a close friend, who wished to remain anonymous. “She still looks great, especially for her age, but she’s not model material anymore, not with the thousands of girls a third her age coming up. But, she’s still got a body, and her name, and she’s going to sell it for all it’s worth…and get back at Donny-Boy while she’s at it.”
Melania could not be reached for comment. Brazzers has not yet released their official announcement, but it is expected later this week.
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.
Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.
The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.
“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”
Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.
Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.