Donald Trump Offers Roseanne a Job In The White House After Her Recent Firing From ABC

Posted on May 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

President Donald Trump has reportedly offered Roseanne Barr a job in his cabinet at the White House, after ABC fired Roseanne and cancelled her sitcom over racist tweets made by the comedian. President Trump says that he “feels horrible” for the TV star, and says that there is “absolutely a job” for her in the White House.

“Roseanne is a national treasure, and is loved by many,” said President Trump. “Her tweets were her own thoughts, which were shared by many people across this great nation. I, for one, believe that she deserves another chance, and as such, will be allowing her to be the chairperson of a new position I’m creating in the White House – Director of Race Relations.”

If Roseanne decides to take the job, she will be in charge of working with people of all different races throughout the country in trying to “smooth over” issues between them.

“This will include teaching black people not to shoot and rob each other, teaching Mexicans how to wear deodorant in public, that sort of thing,” said President Trump. “I absolutely believe that Roseanne is the perfect person for this job.”

Harvey Weinstein Reportedly Attacked, Raped in Prison While Awaiting Sentencing

Posted on May 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

No more than 72 hours after turning himself into authorities after allegations he sexually assaulted dozens of women of the last few decades, Harvey Weinstein has reportedly been “savagely beaten and raped, and left for dead” in a prison cell while he was awaiting sentencing.

According to police, Weinstein was supposed to be in a “restricted cell,” designed for celebrities and rich socialites, and to protect sexual deviants. Unfortunately, prison officials say there was a “slight mix-up,” and Weinstein was put into the general population.

“He only was with his cellmate for about 15 minutes before we found a massacre in the cell,” said Warden Shawn Michaels. “It was really one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.”

Weinstein was rushed to an area hospital after the prison facilities proved to be unfit for his medical needs. He is currently in a medical-induced coma. Prison officials say that although there were only the two men in the cell – Weinstein and another unnamed prisoner – they currently have no leads on the attack, and say they are “looking into it.”

Roseanne Just Filed a Lawsuit Against George Soros Over The Cancellation of Her Show

Posted on May 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

From Daily World Update:

Roseanne Barr has just filed a suit against George Soros and ABC, claiming the liberal money machine coerced the network into canning her new show over a “misunderstood tweet.” Barr is suing Soros for $60 million, which she claims is lifetime lost revenue for her current and past syndication contracts, as well as the $1 million per episode she was being paid to begin with.

Coincidentally, this lawsuit coincides well with another – a class-action suit is being brought against Roseanne herself by the entire cast and crew of her now-cancelled sitcom.

“I was counting on that paycheck for at least a few seasons,” said Bonnie Jones, a camera operator. “I passed on a few other gigs, and locked into this with ABC and the production company. There’s no way in hell I’m going after ABC, but I have no problems going after Roseanne herself. This is, after all, entirely her fault.”

Co-Star John Goodman echoed the sentiments, but refused to acknowledge whether he was partaking in the lawsuit against Roseanne.

“I don’t need the money, I don’t even really need the work. I’ve never stopped working,” said Goodman. “But I am disappointed that this all ended just because Rosie turned out to be a racist. I mean my God, who would have thought?”

Hollywood Desperate To Find Actor Who Hasn’t Sexually Assaulted Anyone

Posted on May 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hollywood moguls at film studios across the city are in a “desperate search” for an actor who hasn’t sexually assaulted anyone before next award’s season begins, and so far, the search is coming up short.

“We’re really digging deep into the backgrounds of everyone, and it’s so hard to find anyone who hasn’t ‘accidentally’ raped an unconscious girl, or made lewd comments at a press junket,” said a Hollywood executive who wished to go unnamed. “It’s really starting to put the fear of God into executives.”

“We absolutely have to make sure that we don’t nominate someone for an award, only to find out later that they like, molested a young boy 30 years ago, or something like that,” said a film producer for a major studio. “I mean, someone like Kevin Spacey, yeah, you kind of always thought there was something weird about him, but Morgan Freeman? Morgan fucking Freeman is being accused of lewd conduct now. My mind is blown, you can’t trust anyone.”

There has been talk by Oscar officials about whether to honor any males at the awards ceremony in 2019 at all, saying that they may just completely can the actor awards across the board, and only nominated and award women winners.

Netflix Announces Plans to Pick Up Cancelled ‘Roseanne’ Show – ‘We Don’t Care If She’s a Racist Pig’

Posted on May 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Earlier this morning, ABC Networks, which are owned by Disney, dumped the hit TV revival of Roseanne, announcing their would be no second season because of a series of racist tweets by star and creator, Roseanne Barr.

Roseanne tweeted inappropriate comments comparing a former member of Barack Obama’s staff to an ape – among other insane comments bashing Muslims and Hillary supporters.

Despite the backlash, Netflix has announced that they will “gladly” pick-up the cancelled series for continuation.

“We have no problems with what Roseanne said in her tweets – those are her personal opinions, and they have nothing to do with making money, which she is very, very good at,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. “ABC hadn’t seen numbers like hers in years, and they were absolutely stupid to dump it while she’s still hot. We have already decided to add Roseanne to our platform, and know that our viewers will be ecstatic.

Although parts of the new season were already shot before the show was cancelled, there were no completed episodes, and Hastings has said they will start from scratch, but that viewers will be “very excited” by the changes.

“For starters, we want to push it to a TV-MA rating, which we think is more real, and will connect more with viewers,” said Hastings. “But we have some other changes as well, it’s all very early in talks, but it’s happening. We don’t care at all about Roseanne herself being a racist pig, we just want to offer the best programming available.”

Retirement Home Shut Down After FBI Raid Over Underground Fight Club

Posted on May 28, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Virginia –

A retirement home in Virginia was busted by the FBI, and 7 people were arrested after authorities were tipped off that the home was running and underground fight club in their recreation room after hours.

According to federal agents, the home was requiring residents to partake in the fights in order to obtain necessities such as meals and medications. They would live-stream the fights online in a pay-per-view fashion. It is estimated that they took in over $125 million in the last 3 years running the illegal fights.

“The older the contestants, the more brutal things got,” said FBI Agent Roger Kramer. “They were desperate for their meds, so they’d use weapons – chairs, walkers, canes – whatever they had.”

Two owners of the retirement community, as well as two employees and three residents were arrested and implicated in the scheme. Currently, they each face a maximum of 15 years in prison if convicted.

President Trump Says He Will ‘Completely Pardon’ Bill Cosby After His Sentencing

Posted on April 30, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

For those hoping to see Bill Cosby serve an extended prison sentence where he would likely end up dying, you may have to keep waiting.

This afternoon, when Trump was asked about his thoughts on Bill Cosby’s verdict, the President stated that he would be “completely pardoning” the fallen comedian.

“Regardless of what that jury thinks, or what anyone thinks, Bill Cosby has always been America’s dad – and America’s dad would never sexually assault and drug all those women,” said President Trump. “As soon as he is officially sentenced, I will be offering Mr. Cosby a full pardon, and the apology of the U.S. justice system. The fact that he has been found guilty is sickening.”

Trump, who has been accused by many, many women of also being a sexual predator, states that pardoning Cosby has “nothing to do” with his own conscience, and everything to do with “writing a serious wrong.”

“I love Bill Cosby, I loved The Cosby Show, and I love Jello Pudding,” said President Trump. “If you cannot get behind those things as well, then I don’t know how you can even call yourself an American.”

Mother Arrested After Accidentally Tickling Her 3-Year-Old To Death

Posted on April 28, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ATLANTA, GA –

It’s a warning being sent out to parents across the country after a 3 year old Florida girl loses her life. Intense tickling of children under the age of 7 may cause asphyxiation which commonly leads to death. Trina Williams, 28, allegedly learned this the hard way and is now facing involuntary manslaughter charges for the death of her toddler.

Via Now8News:

Williams said it was an innocent case of “the tickle game” that she played with her daughter ever since she was two months old. “Me and Tati love to play this game, we do it every night…. well, we did,” Williams told police, very straight faced, calm and collective. “I don’t know, then she just stopped moving, she was laughing hard and then went silent. I don’t know what went wrong. But I still have 6 other kids so we cool. I’ll miss her, but I guess it was just her fate.”

However, police are quite buying Williams story about what happened during her “innocent” tickle game. “Just by her statement she gave about what happened, I don’t believe her,” said chief of police Gerald Watson. “The toddler had bruises all over her body, and were still waiting for the autopsy report. This mom claims they were tickling bruises…yeah right. Either way, she killed her daughter and she has this ‘I don’t care because I have more kids’ attitude and it’s really disgusting.

BREAKING: Bill Cosby Found Dead in His Home After Reportedly Taking His Entire Stash of Roofies

Posted on April 27, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PITTSBURGH, PA –

Police are reporting that comedian, actor, and convicted rapist Bill Cosby has been found dead in his home of an apparent suicide. Medical reports indicate that he took his entire stash of roofies, and collapsed due to cardiac arrest.

“Mr. Cosby, as we all know very well now, was a rapist who enjoyed drugging women and sexually assaulting them,” said Police Captain Phil Huxtable of the PA County Sheriff’s Department. “It appears that in an effort to avoid a prison sentence, one where he no doubt would have stayed until he died, he decided to take his own life by resorting to ‘hitting off his own stash,’ as it were.”

Cpt. Huxtable says that Cosby likely took over 150 Rohpynol pills, often called “roofies” or the “date rape drug.” These are also likely the same pills that Cosby used to drug and rape dozens and dozens and dozens of women over the years. He was found guilty earlier this week of 3 counts of sexual assault. Each count had a maximum sentence of 10 years, and individual fines of $25,000 per offense.

Bill Cosby In Critical Condition After Being Attacked By Woman He Raped 35 Years Ago

Posted on March 31, 2018 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SAN DIEGO, California –

Famed falled comedian Bill Cosby was rushed to a San Diego hospital after he was found violently beaten outside of his home. Police say that a neighbor called 911 after they saw Cosby laying in a pool of blood by his mailbox. A woman, whose name has not yet been released, has been arrested in conjunction with the assault.

According to police, the woman claims that Cosby raped her nearly 35 years ago, and that she felt it was “her time.”

Cosby has been accused by dozens of women of sexual misconduct over his long career, including several who say he drugged them and assaulted them while they were unconscious. Cosby, who was once the most loved man on television, has found himself the butt of jokes by other comedians who once idolized him.

Doctors say that Cosby is in stable, but critical condition. He was taken in with multiple broken ribs, a crack vertebrae in his neck, two broken wrists, as well as multiple contusions and cuts across his whole body. He was stabbed in the chest 3 times with what police say was a “very small” pocketknife.