World’s Oldest Woman – Who Drank a Glass of Formaldehyde Every Day For 60 Years – Dies At Age 187

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

The oldest living person in history, Bertha Flake, has died at 187.

Flake, who was born in 1831, has been listed as the oldest living person in the Guinness World Records book since 1955, when she turned 124. At that point doctors thought that she would not have much longer to live, but after meeting with a “mystic” in 1957, Flake began to see her health improve.

The mystic told Flake to begin drinking filtered formaldehyde each day before eating her normal breakfast. Despite doctors warning her that it would kill her, Flake began the regimen, and lived another 60 years.

“It tastes horrible, but it’s clearly working,” said Flake last year on her 186th birthday. No one thought I would live this long. I didn’t even know it was medically possible, but here I am, still kicking, still going strong. I hope I live to see 200, but at this point, I’ve lived 2 or 3 lifetimes, and I can’t say that I haven’t seen and done it all. If I did next year though, I hope it’s in a hail of police bullets. Nothing like pulling a 187 on a motherfuckin’ cop, right?”

Flake was married 6 times in her life, and claims that she had even slept with many famous figures in history, including Charlie Chaplin and Josef Stalin.

Doctors are examining her remains and plan to release their findings in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Vin Diesel Hospitalized After On-Set Fight With Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson While Filming New ‘Fast & Furious’ Movie

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Vin Diesel was reported hospitalized after getting into a physical altercation with his co-star, former WWE champion Dwane ‘The Rock’ Johnson, while filming the latest Fast and Furious movie.

According to reports, the two action powerhouses got into a verbal battle on set, and the fight turned physical after Diesel pushed Johnson and called him a “two-bit cocksucker.”

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“I don’t know what started the fight, but I know there had been some heat between the two during the filming of the last movie,” said Chris Ripkin, a production assistant on the movie. “There might have been some leftover animosity, or it could have been something new. Honestly no one is sure. But what I am sure of is that Rock totally laid the goddamn smackdown on Vin, and it was kind of awesome.”

Private studio security was called to the scene, but there has been no official police report filed, and likely isn’t going to be.

“These things are handled internally quite often,” said entertainment lawyer Ricky Melvin. “Whatever the deal is, these two guys will either battle it out in person again, or battle it out in court.”

Diesel reportedly suffered from a fractured jaw and several bruised and broken ribs. Shooting has been put on hold until March 20th.

Man Claims He Was Possessed By The Devil After Watching New Horror Movie

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CHARLESTON, North Carolina – 

A Charleston man, Joe Briggs, said that he became possessed by the Devil himself after watching a horror movie that was, coincidentally, about a violent exorcism.

Briggs, 30, saw the film, American Guinea Pig: Song of Solomon at a local screening, and said the film was so jarring and sickening, that he left the theatre feeling physically ill.

“Several people had to leave the theatre during the show, and at least one person I saw passed out in their seat,” said Briggs. “I made it all the way through, but the movie was horrific, and I felt physically ill while watching it. Once it was over, I could barely move.”

Paramedics were called and transported Briggs to the hospital, where he was kept in intensive care for several days. Doctors who examined him could not figure out why he was having such a violent, physical reaction to a movie.

“The patient began to exhibit signs of a definite surreal, ‘not of this world’ sort of nature,” said Dr. Charles Lee Ray, who attended for Briggs. “After a couple of days, he began to develop sores, sweats, and was bleeding through his pores. One evening, he punched a nurse in the face, and she was knocked clear across the room, over 20 feet. Once he began speaking in ancient Aramaic, we called in a priest.”

Father Gary Lorde was brought in and confirmed demonic possession, and spent 4 days performing an exorcism.

“We had to move Briggs from the hospital, as an exorcism is an extremely long, grueling, and terrifying thing to witness,” said Lorde. “He was brought to a local rectory for spiritual treatment. In the end, we were able to remove the demonic spirit from Briggs, but there’s no telling with this ordeal has done to his mortal soul.”

“I think I’m going to be okay,”said Briggs. “I’m looking forward to picking up the movie when it comes out on blu-ray.”

Spongebob Squarepants Scheduled for Cancellation in October

ORLANDO, Florida –

Nickelodeon, the TV network behind the popular animated series Spongebob Squarepants, announced this week that after nearly 20 years, the show would be going off the air.

“It’s been a long ride, and we are very grateful,” read a tweet posted by the show’s official page. They also posted an imaging of a crying Spongebob.

The show has been a phenomenon of epic proportions for almost 2 decades, and the news struck many young adults directly in the nostalgia section of their heart.

“This is the worst thing that has ever happened in my life,” said one Facebook user. “If it came down to whether or not to keep Spongebob on the air, or bring my Grandfather back from the dead, I’d keep Spongebob.”

57-Year-Old Virgin Sues His Former Middle School For Teaching Abstinence

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

James Holmes, 57, has filed a lawsuit against his former middle school for teaching him abstinence, as he said that they taught him that he would “burn in hell” if he ever had sex, or even masturbated.

From World News Daily Report:

Holmes says the sexual education he received at the Jemison High School was “traumatizing” and has caused him some severe psychological problems.

In an interview with ABC, he described the content of the sexual education classes which he says caused his psychological trauma.

“They taught us that God would smite us if we masturbated and that we would burn in Hell for eternity if we had sex before marriage. They showed us pictures of genitals infected with STDs and told us it was what God did to adulterers.”

These classes had such an impact on Mr. Holmes that whenever he thinks about sex, even today, he suffers from a severe panic attack.

“I’m 47-year old and I’m still a virgin. Every time I think of sex I remember these purulent genitals, so I start panicking, sweating and even vomiting.” 

In 2012, he was diagnosed with a Sexual aversion disorder (SAD), a disorder characterized by disgust, fear, revulsion, or lack of desire in consensual relationships involving genital contact.

This type of psychological disorder is usually caused by some traumatic event which causes sex to be associated with a painful experience.

He had to undergo years of psychotherapy and is still heavily medicated, that’s why he demanding almost half a million dollars from his former school.

Holmes’ lawyer says that he believes that the case is a “slam dunk.” Holmes claims that the first thing he plans to do after receiving his winnings is to pay a “lady of the night” to finally take his virginity, but he hopes that he can find a nice one so that afterwards he can settle down.

Old Juggalo Says He’s Worried About The Future Generation of Lil’ Juggalos

PONTIAC, Michigan –

55-year-old Kevin Anderson has been a self-proclaimed juggalo for over two decades, but says that young juggalos who are just coming into the family aren’t going to continue with the positive  message that they’ve always been about. According to Anderson, whose Juggalo name is “Klown Syndrome,” the new kids just don’t understand.

From The Hard Times:

“Frankly, I’m worried for our future,” said the outspoken Syndrome. “These Millennial Juggalos don’t know their asses from their elbows! They’re a bunch of assed-out tricks who don’t have the work ethic to hatchet their way out of a wet paper bag.”

Syndrome admitted his worry grew after attending last summer’s Gathering of the Juggalos.

“It was some straight Jugga-ho behavior, to be completely honest with you,” noted Syndrome. “This one youngin’ was talkin’ shit about how Faygo’s loaded with high fructose corn syzurup or some shit, and that we should try drinking water every once in a while. That’s some seriously wack shit. For real.”

Syndrome blames parents in his age group for raising a generation of coddled, entitled “Juggaflakes.”

“Back in the day, we worked for what we wanted. Nobody handed me anything when I was coming up. Nowadays, these young Juggs show up demanding blunts and whip-its like they grow on trees or something,” barked Syndrome. “They’re lucky I don’t straight up whoop they scrub asses.”

Old timers in other musical gangs, including those in the KISS Army, say they, too, can relate to the struggle, but remain hopefully that the next generation will eventually follow suit.

Justin Bieber Signs $2M Porn Deal With Brazzers

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Justin Bieber announced today that he has signed a $2 million contract with Brazzers, the adult website, with plans to complete 5 pornographic films. Sources close to the film company say one of those movies may also star Selena Gomez, Bieber’s on-again, off-again lover.

Bieber began his career in music over a decade ago, after being discovered on YouTube. Since then, he has released several extremely successful albums, and has appeared many times on the covers of tabloids throughout the world.

“Now that he is no longer selling records, and his popularity is dipping, he is desperate for money,” says an anonymous source close to the musician. “I think this is a bad decision, really. Most of his fans are young girls, under 18, and they shouldn’t be allowed to see this stuff…but you know they will seek it out. It will ruin his already tarnished reputation.”

Teen Dies After Letting Rabid Bat Bite Him, Thought He’d Turn Into a Vampire

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SAN DIEGO, California –

A teen has died from a rabies infection after police say he was trying to domesticate a wild bat. Reports indicate that the teen, Stanford Guterson, purposely allowed the rodent to bite him, with the intention of turning into a vampire.

From World News Daily Report:

The young teenager who was fascinated with the idea of becoming a vampire possibly got bitten or scratched by the animal in a “satanic ritual” according to family members and friends.

Guterson was allegedly the victim of bullying at school and believed he could reenact revenge upon his enemies through the process of acquiring supernatural powers by “turning into a vampire” said one of his close friends.

“He was really into the dark occult shit and hoped that if he got bit by or had sex with a bat it might help him become a vampire,” his best friend Malcolm Jackson told reporters.

According to Jackson, [Guterson] also frequently drank blood from his 56-year-old unemployed girlfriend who did not respond to media requests for an interview and was not available for comments.

Police say that, despite initial rumors, there is no new internet “bat bite challenge,” and they believe that this is an isolated incident from an isolated loser.

President Trump Will Appear in WWE Royal Rumble Tonight

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PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania – 

President Trump, who has been friends with WWE owner Vince McMahon for many years, and who has been a part of wrestling events in the past, will be appearing at tonight’s Royal Rumble in Philadelphia. Normally he’d be relegated to a sideline role, or a walk-in part where he may speak,  but this event will be very different. Trump will actually be wrestling in the Rumble match.

“President Trump was asked to participate, and he said yes,” said White House spokesman Giles Anderson. “He and Vince McMahon are longtime friends, and he missed working with the WWE. It was President Trump’s suggestion that he actually participate in a physical role.”

Trump has secretly been training in the ring for the last 6 months in anticipation of tonight’s event, and is saying that he is confident in his abilities.

“I obviously will not be winning the match, I don’t think anyone expects that,” said President Trump. “But I will be able to hold my own with no problem.”

Tom Hanks’ ‘Cast Away’ Co-Star Alleges Sexual Abuse During Filming

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Tom Hanks is “America’s Favorite Actor,” but after allegations that just surfaced, many people might be re-thinking supporting his next role.

One of Hanks’ most memorable roles from the early 00’s is the film Cast Away, where Hanks is marooned on a deserted island after a plane crash. The entire film revolves around only two main characters – Hanks, and his friend, a volleyball he names Wilson.

Wilson the volleyball, who is represented by ICM Partners out of Los Angeles, recently released a statement through his lawyer that stated that Hanks sexually assaulted him throughout the entire filming of Cast Away, and then paid members of the production team to cover it up.

“Mr. Hanks would often grab, run, and fondle Wilson the Volleyball, and despite his assertions that he did not want to be touched, Mr. Hanks did not desist,” said Martin Schuster, Wilson’s lawyer. “Although we understand that the statute of limitations has passed on this crime, Wilson has decided to finally come forward and release this information, so that other balls in Hollywood films can feel safer.”

Hanks had no comment on the allegations, but since Wilson’s announcement, several other inanimate objects in film history have come forward alleging misconduct, including Rosebud, the sled from Citizen Kane, and the Ruby Slippers from The Wizard of Oz.

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