Woman Gives Birth 7 Years After Having Sex

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BOSTON, Massachusetts –

A modern medical marvel has occurred in Massachusetts this week, after a woman gave birth to a healthy, 7lb 4oz baby boy. The marvel, you ask? The woman, 28-year-old Maria Piers, has not had sex in 7 years.

“I know this sounds extremely strange, but I know the precise moment that I last had sex, and that’s because it was, for all intents and purposes, a rape,” said Piers.

According to police reports from the time, Piers filed charges against a man named Robert Smalls, who she says would not stop having sex with her after she told him to stop.

“I did tell him it was okay, but I didn’t like it. He wasn’t gentle, and it hurt. I told him to stop and get off me, but he just laughed, and staid he wasn’t going to stop until he was done,” said Piers. “And he didn’t.”

Smalls was arrested and given 4 years for aggravated sexual assault, but Piers is terrified that now she’s going to have to deal with him again.

“He’s obviously the dad,” said Piers. “I don’t know how this happened, I really don’t. But I’m absolutely sure that I haven’t had sex. I haven’t even kissed a man since that night. This is both exciting and extremely terrifying for me.”

Doctors say they are at a loss for how this happened, but they could confirm that the baby, who Piers has named James, had a gestation period of about 360 weeks. She has been asked to stay in the hospital for continued testing and observation.

3-Month-Old Baby Arrested For Breaking Priceless Artifact at History Museum

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 3-month-old baby has been taken into custody in Boston after he broke a priceless vase at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday.

Police say the baby, who has in a stroller being pushed by his mother, reached out and knocked over a 4-foot tall vase, which instantly shattered when it hit the floor.

“We tried endlessly for over 15 hours to put everything back together, but we could not,” said H.T. Dumpty, the museum curator. “This piece was worth well over $600 million dollars. It was practically priceless, and a one of a kind piece from the Ming dynasty. There are no others like it, and we are extremely frustrated with this baby for ruining something so precious and valuable.”

The baby’s mother, Francine Thompson, said she was “appalled” that her son would do such a thing.

“I was pushing him along, and looking at all the beautiful pieces. I wheeled little Joey right up near the vase, and pointed to it and was reading him the card telling about its history, when all of a sudden he reached out and pushed it over. It smashed everywhere, and he just laughed and laughed. I was in shock,” said Thompson. “I hope they throw the book at him, and give him as long as possible.”

The baby is one of the youngest people ever arrested. He is being charged with felony destruction of property and felony trespassing. If convicted, he could receive up to 20 years in prison.

DISTURBING Trend On The Rise Among ‘Goth’ Teens – Snorting Blood!

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

A new disturbing trend is on the rise throughout the United States, specifically among “gothic” teens – snorting the blood of friends in an effort to “become one” with them.

“It’s a new thing kids are doing – not to get high, but to has some sort of internal bond with their close friends or significant other,” said New Brighton Hospital Chief of Staff, Dr. Marvin Reece. “The problem becomes, though, that these kids are not thinking about the consequences, or the danger that can come from snorting any liquid – especially blood.”

Dr. Reece says he has treated more than a dozen cases of “blood poisoning,” where a teen has literally cut open their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and snorted the blood that dripped from the wound.

“Unfortunately, two of the teens have died. This is a serious issue, because aside from blood-borne diseases, there is also the very real risk – and I know how silly this sounds – of drowning in blood when they do this. It’s a liquid going into your lungs, after all.”

Teens are urged to not try and snort anything, but “especially not blood,” says Dr. Reece. “If you’re going to snort anything, please – just go back to the good ol’ normal stuff, like heroin and cocaine. Maybe some crushed adderall. Whatever you kids did before. Just stop snorting each other’s blood, okay?”

Babysitter Facing 65 Years in Prison For Inserting Toddler Into Her Vagina

CINCINATTI, Ohio – 

A 31-year old woman was admitted to the University of Cincinnati Medical Center yesterday after the 14-month old toddler she was babysitting got stuck in her vaginal cavity.

Latifah Brown reportedly called 911 and told the operator that she had “a baby stuck in her vagina.” The operator dispatched an ambulance with the report that a woman was having a home birth.

The paramedics who were dispatched say they were surprised when they arrived to the home and saw what was actually happening. Brian Whitmore, the lead paramedic on the scene, related the incident in an interview with WCNN News8Now:

“The little boy wore a diaper and pyjamas, but he had his legs and abdomen stuck up inside the woman’s vagina. It was horrifying and hilarious. Horrifying because the baby was screaming, but hilarious that this woman had a toddler hanging out of her cooter.”

The paramedics tried to release the child while still in the home, but Brown’s vagina was reportedly “too clenched,” and the pair were taken to a local hospital, where doctors spent nearly two hours surgically removing the child from Brown’s vagina. Dr. Gene Larkin, who performed the surgery, was also interviewed by WCNN:

“I don’t know how she got the child in there! We tried pulling him out, but it didn’t work. It appeared that Brown’s vagina, not use to anything being inserted into it, had clenched down on the poor baby to the point that we literally had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out.

According to the doctors, Brown’s vagina has been “completely destroyed” by the act, and they are doubtful that any number of surgeries could fix the damage. The young boy suffers from a dislocated hip, but doctors say that because of his age, he should not see any long-term effects.

Brown was interrogated by police, and eventually confessed to deliberately inserting the child in her vaginal cavity, because she was barren, and just wanted to know what it would feel like to “give birth.” Brown faces a total of 11 criminal charges, including aggravated child neglect causing bodily harm, and faces up to 65 years in prison if convicted.

Man Hospitalized After Getting Fidget Spinner Lodged in His Rectum For 37th Time

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 28-year-old Boston man, who doctors call Mr. Fidgets, was hospitalized today for emergency surgery after the emergency room attending physician discovered a fidget spinner lodged in Mr. Fidget’s rectum – the 37th time they’ve treated him for the same incident.

“When he came in the first time, we kind of laughed about it,” said Dr. Mario Lambert of Boston Medical Center. “He couldn’t really explain how it happened and, frankly, we didn’t ask too many questions. Then it happened again, about 2 weeks later. Again, we didn’t really press. By the time it happened 14 and 15 times, well, we just stopped caring.”

Dr. Lambert says that he believes that Mr. Fidgets is trying to insert the toy, commonly used by children with ADHD, for sexual gratification, because he likes to have his partner insert it, then try to spin it while it’s inside.

“I can’t say that it would do a thing for me, but hey, to each their own,” said Dr. Lambert. “Problem is, this guy really needs some psychological help, but he hasn’t broken any laws. He’s an adult, and he pays his hospital bill in cash. I don’t know who this guy is or what he does for a living, but I tell you – his kinks are off the charts.”

Ship Lost in Bermuda Triangle 90 YEARS Ago Sails Into Cuban Harbor, Coast Guard Confirms

ship

TRINIDAD, Cuba – 

A ship that has been missing for over 90 years has reportedly docked in a Cuban harbor, the Cuban Coast Guard says.

The SS Cotopaxi, which has been lost at sea and all on board listed as deceased, made its miraculous return after going missing in 1925, one of the first ships that helped launch the legend of the Bermuda Triangle.

“We have no idea how or why the ship vanished, and we are even more confused at how it turned up today,” said Coast Guard chief Manuel Ferrara. “Even more bizarre is that everyone on board was alive, well, and hadn’t aged a bit. It’s a marvel of the seas, as it were. We’re just beginning to put this puzzle together.”

So far, all 43 members of the ship’s crew, as well as the captain, have been detained in a Cuban institution to be questioned and observed. The Coast Guard says they will work with authorities in other countries, including the United States, to solve the “mystery.”

17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

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LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

Former Hell’s Angel Reveals Secret Homosexual Meaning Behind Why Bikers Wave When They Pass Each Other

bikers

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A former Hell’s Angel motorcycle gang member recently gave an interview about his time in the club, and revealed a little more than the interviewer probably anticipated when he was questioned about the “wave” that bikers give each other when passing.

“That’s a gay thing, totally,” said the biker, who was interviewed for Viceland on the Vice TV channel. “It started probably 40 or 50 years ago, back when most bikers got into the clubs to hide their homosexuality. Waving when you passed another guy on a motorcycle was a sign that you were available, and ready for a meet-up later at any number of local motels. If the person waved back, then you knew the meeting was on.”

He did go on to say that the waving had “lost a lot of its original meeting,” but that you will still find old bikers who like to get out of their leathers and romp around on the bed with other guys.

“It’s actually more common than you think, but really, it’s also quite accepted now,” said the biker. “We’re all-inclusive. We used to be hardcore about only letting in certain people, but we have plenty of openly gay members now. I’m cool with it, for sure. But the waving, yeah – if you’re doing that still, you should know that an old-school biker might show up at your hotel door in the middle of the night and expect a quick mouth service.”

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

Babysitter Takes Acid, Eats 3-Month-Old Baby After Cooking Her In The Oven

DE SOTO, Missouri –

Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.

Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.

Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”

“I just took a few tabs  because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”

The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”

 

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