DISTURBING Trend On The Rise Among ‘Goth’ Teens – Snorting Blood!

NEW BRIGHTON, Pennsylvania – 

A new disturbing trend is on the rise throughout the United States, specifically among “gothic” teens – snorting the blood of friends in an effort to “become one” with them.

“It’s a new thing kids are doing – not to get high, but to has some sort of internal bond with their close friends or significant other,” said New Brighton Hospital Chief of Staff, Dr. Marvin Reece. “The problem becomes, though, that these kids are not thinking about the consequences, or the danger that can come from snorting any liquid – especially blood.”

Dr. Reece says he has treated more than a dozen cases of “blood poisoning,” where a teen has literally cut open their friend or boyfriend/girlfriend, and snorted the blood that dripped from the wound.

“Unfortunately, two of the teens have died. This is a serious issue, because aside from blood-borne diseases, there is also the very real risk – and I know how silly this sounds – of drowning in blood when they do this. It’s a liquid going into your lungs, after all.”

Teens are urged to not try and snort anything, but “especially not blood,” says Dr. Reece. “If you’re going to snort anything, please – just go back to the good ol’ normal stuff, like heroin and cocaine. Maybe some crushed adderall. Whatever you kids did before. Just stop snorting each other’s blood, okay?”

Babysitter Facing 65 Years in Prison For Inserting Toddler Into Her Vagina

CINCINATTI, Ohio – 

A 31-year old woman was admitted to the University of Cincinnati Medical Center yesterday after the 14-month old toddler she was babysitting got stuck in her vaginal cavity.

Latifah Brown reportedly called 911 and told the operator that she had “a baby stuck in her vagina.” The operator dispatched an ambulance with the report that a woman was having a home birth.

The paramedics who were dispatched say they were surprised when they arrived to the home and saw what was actually happening. Brian Whitmore, the lead paramedic on the scene, related the incident in an interview with WCNN News8Now:

“The little boy wore a diaper and pyjamas, but he had his legs and abdomen stuck up inside the woman’s vagina. It was horrifying and hilarious. Horrifying because the baby was screaming, but hilarious that this woman had a toddler hanging out of her cooter.”

The paramedics tried to release the child while still in the home, but Brown’s vagina was reportedly “too clenched,” and the pair were taken to a local hospital, where doctors spent nearly two hours surgically removing the child from Brown’s vagina. Dr. Gene Larkin, who performed the surgery, was also interviewed by WCNN:

“I don’t know how she got the child in there! We tried pulling him out, but it didn’t work. It appeared that Brown’s vagina, not use to anything being inserted into it, had clenched down on the poor baby to the point that we literally had to use the Jaws of Life to get him out.

According to the doctors, Brown’s vagina has been “completely destroyed” by the act, and they are doubtful that any number of surgeries could fix the damage. The young boy suffers from a dislocated hip, but doctors say that because of his age, he should not see any long-term effects.

Brown was interrogated by police, and eventually confessed to deliberately inserting the child in her vaginal cavity, because she was barren, and just wanted to know what it would feel like to “give birth.” Brown faces a total of 11 criminal charges, including aggravated child neglect causing bodily harm, and faces up to 65 years in prison if convicted.

Man Hospitalized After Getting Fidget Spinner Lodged in His Rectum For 37th Time

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 28-year-old Boston man, who doctors call Mr. Fidgets, was hospitalized today for emergency surgery after the emergency room attending physician discovered a fidget spinner lodged in Mr. Fidget’s rectum – the 37th time they’ve treated him for the same incident.

“When he came in the first time, we kind of laughed about it,” said Dr. Mario Lambert of Boston Medical Center. “He couldn’t really explain how it happened and, frankly, we didn’t ask too many questions. Then it happened again, about 2 weeks later. Again, we didn’t really press. By the time it happened 14 and 15 times, well, we just stopped caring.”

Dr. Lambert says that he believes that Mr. Fidgets is trying to insert the toy, commonly used by children with ADHD, for sexual gratification, because he likes to have his partner insert it, then try to spin it while it’s inside.

“I can’t say that it would do a thing for me, but hey, to each their own,” said Dr. Lambert. “Problem is, this guy really needs some psychological help, but he hasn’t broken any laws. He’s an adult, and he pays his hospital bill in cash. I don’t know who this guy is or what he does for a living, but I tell you – his kinks are off the charts.”

Ship Lost in Bermuda Triangle 90 YEARS Ago Sails Into Cuban Harbor, Coast Guard Confirms

ship

TRINIDAD, Cuba – 

A ship that has been missing for over 90 years has reportedly docked in a Cuban harbor, the Cuban Coast Guard says.

The SS Cotopaxi, which has been lost at sea and all on board listed as deceased, made its miraculous return after going missing in 1925, one of the first ships that helped launch the legend of the Bermuda Triangle.

“We have no idea how or why the ship vanished, and we are even more confused at how it turned up today,” said Coast Guard chief Manuel Ferrara. “Even more bizarre is that everyone on board was alive, well, and hadn’t aged a bit. It’s a marvel of the seas, as it were. We’re just beginning to put this puzzle together.”

So far, all 43 members of the ship’s crew, as well as the captain, have been detained in a Cuban institution to be questioned and observed. The Coast Guard says they will work with authorities in other countries, including the United States, to solve the “mystery.”

17 Children Are DEAD After a Fight Breaks Out in Middle School Over Fidget Spinners

fs

LYNN, Massachusetts – 

Seventeen pre-teens, aged 11-15, are dead after a massive fight broke out at a Lynn, Massachusetts middle school over the latest craze, fidget spinners.

According to police, several children began arguing about whose fidget spinner was “the best,” and several others began pestering the first group for being “super gay,” and having fidget spinners in the first place.

“Before you knew it, we had 60 or 70 kids just attacking each other,” said Darlene McDonald, a 7th grade teacher at Lynn Middle School. “Fidget spinners were being thrown everywhere – I saw one kid take his fidget spinner between his fingers like a pair of brass knuckles, and beat another student in the face repeatedly until one of his eyes simply popped out of his head. It was gruesome, and the most disturbing thing I’ve ever seen. But if they think I’m getting involved in this shit at $14 bucks an hour, they can get real.”

Police were called to break up the melee, but by the time they arrived, 13 students had died, and another 24 were injured. Another 4 died later on due to sustained injuries.

“We had tried to ban fidget spinners in the school, but the parents, they lobbied to bring them back,” said Principal Grace Marlins. “So we let them play, knowing full well the dangers. I cannot believe that something like this happened over a $1 piece of plastic. Sad thing is, the parents still won’t let us ban them – they just want everything monitored better. It’s crazy.”

Fidget spinners are quickly become a problem in many classrooms throughout the country, with teachers calling them a “distraction” and a “time waster.”

“This just proves how dangerous they really are, though,” said McDonald. “We went through a lot of phases in my days as a teacher – slap bracelets, pogs, and then cell phones, of course. But this is the first time I’ve ever seen kids beat each other to death over a fad. This world has gone truly crazy.”

Former Hell’s Angel Reveals Secret Homosexual Meaning Behind Why Bikers Wave When They Pass Each Other

bikers

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A former Hell’s Angel motorcycle gang member recently gave an interview about his time in the club, and revealed a little more than the interviewer probably anticipated when he was questioned about the “wave” that bikers give each other when passing.

“That’s a gay thing, totally,” said the biker, who was interviewed for Viceland on the Vice TV channel. “It started probably 40 or 50 years ago, back when most bikers got into the clubs to hide their homosexuality. Waving when you passed another guy on a motorcycle was a sign that you were available, and ready for a meet-up later at any number of local motels. If the person waved back, then you knew the meeting was on.”

He did go on to say that the waving had “lost a lot of its original meeting,” but that you will still find old bikers who like to get out of their leathers and romp around on the bed with other guys.

“It’s actually more common than you think, but really, it’s also quite accepted now,” said the biker. “We’re all-inclusive. We used to be hardcore about only letting in certain people, but we have plenty of openly gay members now. I’m cool with it, for sure. But the waving, yeah – if you’re doing that still, you should know that an old-school biker might show up at your hotel door in the middle of the night and expect a quick mouth service.”

Death Row Inmate Requests Human Cadaver As Final Meal Before Execution

feet

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

A death row inmate, 39-year-old Bryan Bryant, who was found guilty of murdering 18 people in the early 2000s, reportedly requested to have a “human cadaver” as his last meal. Maryland law dictates that an inmate can ask for anything they would like to eat, and it will be served. The law does not get specific enough to say that the item must be a “normal” food item, or create provisions that would not allow certain things to be requested.

“Mr. Bryant requested to eat an entire human as his final meal before execution, and the Maryland Board of Prisons was able to prepare his request for him,” said warden Joel Higgins. “It was an odd request, for sure, and we had several protestors who said it was not a ‘good use’ for a body that was donated to science, but in the end, Mr. Bryant’s rights and wishes were not impeded.”

According to Higgins, they procured a recently deceased 47-year-old female, who died of a heroin overdose. Her name was not released to protect her family from embarrassment. Bryant was executed on Friday via lethal injection.

Babysitter Takes Acid, Eats 3-Month-Old Baby After Cooking Her In The Oven

DE SOTO, Missouri –

Two Missouri parents were horrified to discover their babysitter had taken acid while watching their child, after they found the remains of their three-month-old child cooked in the oven.

Police Officer Dwayne Jacobs was the first on the scene, and found a “very confused” and “incoherent” babysitter lying half-conscious in the family’s living room.

Anna Doreen, the 17-year-old babysitter, claims she had bought some acid and “only took a few tabs” before she became “overly confused” and “extremely hungry.”

“I just took a few tabs  because I was bored and the baby was sleeping,” she later told Officer Jacobs. “I remember that I started getting really hungry, ate some chicken wings, and passed out.”

The 3-month-old child was found in the oven, covered in barbecue sauce, and was pronounced dead at the scene.

“It appears she tried to cook him in the oven, but did not time it long enough to completely cook him. She was probably disoriented and lost consciousness moments later,” explained Sheriff deputy James Anderson of the Jefferson County Police Department. “Teeth marks were found on the baby’s arms and legs. Ms. Doreen has been taken into custody and is facing second-degree murder charges, as well as drug-related charges.”

 

Man Forcibly Inserts Handgun Into Anus Because He Thinks It Is The ‘Safest Place’ To Keep It

gun

DELUTH, Mississippi – 

Dale Kyle, 40, was recently hospitalized after he says he put his 1887 Colt Peacemaker into his anus, thinking it was the “safest place” for it to be.

According to doctors, Kyle put the gun in his own ass because his house has been robbed over a dozen times in a matter of 5 years, and in several of those instances, his entire gun collection was taken.

“Basically, the only place a gun is safe is when you’re carrying it,” said Kyle. “But I sleep naked, and I don’t want anyone sneaking up on me while I’m in my birthday suit. So I figured the best thing would be to just slip it on up. I thought if I had it handy, I could push it out at a moment’s notice, just in case.”

As Kyle found, though, the rectum is not designed for entry, and things can easily become lodged.

His doctor, Kristopher McKenna, says that this is not the first gun he has seen wedged into a middle-aged man’s derrière.

“Men in their 40s to 50s, they like to stick things in their ass,” said Dr. McKenna. “I don’t know why, I never went through that phase myself. I think it’s a southern thing, and I was raised in New York. Either way, this isn’t the first time I’ve pulled something out of some dude’s ass, and it no doubt won’t be the last.”

Police Discover Meth Lab In Back Room of Alabama Walmart

walmart-crop

DECATUR, Alabama – 

Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.

Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.

“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”

No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.

Design & Developed By Open Source Technologies.