GREENSBURG, Iowa –
At around 2:30 a.m. on September 30th, Greensburg police received a phone call from a worried resident saying that she heard very concerning sounds coming from an alleyway near her house.
Officers who arrived on the scene say they found a twenty-something male dressed as a clown, eating a live cat whose legs were zip-tied together. The cat was still crying for help as the individual was seemingly eating around the vital spots, prolonging it’s death.
“When the individual noticed us approaching, he started petting the cat and said ‘curiosity killed the cat, I wanted to see if it tasted like Chinese food,'” said Officer Mark Hanlan, who was first on the scene. “He was non resistant during arrest, however he did not have identification, and when asked his name he only replied ‘Furball The Clown.'”
In the holding cell, police say the clown kept calling to a female officer, saying “here, kitty kitty,” and was trying bite the cell bars. He was transferred to a high security prison while awaiting trial, which is disturbingly scheduled for October 31st – Halloween day. Police were unable to determine the clown’s true identity.
CLEVELAND, Ohio –
The Ohio river is known for its vast selection of weird fish and creatures in the water. People have reported seen everything from small, fresh-water sharks to barracuda. It seems that you can now officially add alligators to that list.
On September 20th, Ben Shoemaker and his family were swimming in the Ohio river when they noticed something in the water.
“It was an abnormally hot and humid day so we decided to take a dip,” said Shoemaker. “At first I thought it was a log floating along the fiver. The sucker must have been at least 9ft long, he was huge.”
The same day, Cleveland local Lauri Dukes was picnicking in River Park when she spotted the behemoth ‘gator sunning on the park’s shore.
“The only weapon I had was a plastic butter knife from my lunch,” said Dukes, 38. “I was was using it to spread mayonnaise on a sandwich, but I realized this ‘gator was a threat to the community, so I killed it with a swift stab through the eye.”
The Ohio Parks Service noted that people should not approach dangerous animals when they see them, and that Duke is lucky that she wasn’t injured or killed.
“Oh, hogwash, total hogwash,” said Ms. Duke. “That thing wasn’t going to hurt me, but it could have hurt some young child or a family. No way, you have to act and act face when you see danger. Now my family will be receiving Gator skin boots for Christmas this year, too.”
DETROIT, Michigan –
Complete chaos erupted at Shady Creek Assisted Living and Retirement Home community in Detroit, Michigan when a scheduled outing to Dunkin’ Donuts was canceled with no explanation. Elderly people living in that community start a riot in the center with canes and walkers, while one elderly resident was swinging his life alert necklace in the air, cutting a nurse in the face inside the facility. One couple, who managed to get outside of the facility, were caught spray painting “Fuck The Cops” outside one of the windows.
“It was complete madness, I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Nancy Reeder, head nurse. “Mr. Norman came up behind me, grabbed my arm and bit down with his teeth. As he pulled away, his dentures locked onto my skin leaving him in shock and without any teeth. That’s when I kicked him behind the knee, and he fell to the ground where I was able to restrain him.”
The incident began last week in a previous Dunkin’ Donuts outing that left 10 of the elderly residents with stomach cramps and diarrhea.
“It was an awful mess we had to clean up,” said Reeder. “Their aging stomachs can’t really handle all of that sugar. So we decided to cancel all future outings. Apparently, not all of them were in agreement.”
In all, 29 people were injured. Out of the 29, 18 were residents of Shady Creek, 5 were nurses, and 6 visitors who were caught in the chaos. None of the injuries were life-threatening – just a few broken hips, bruises, and scratches.
FORT WORTH, Texas –
Epic tropical storm-turned hurricane Harvey has uprooted a number of people throughout Texas, as the state gets hit with nearly 7 feet of rain, and winds reaching upwards of 100 mph.
In the mix of all the tragic news of people losing everything to flood waters, is something even more sinister. Thousands of prehistoric, long-though-extinct fish are showing up in the flooded basements and living rooms of some Texas residents.
“I went in to determine the damage, and it scared the shit right out of me,” said Darius Greene, a homeowner in Forth Worth. “It must have been about 20 feet long, and had sharp scales, like nothing I’ve ever seen, and I spent years on a boat as a deep sea fisherman. I was terrified.”
Paleontologists from around the world have been flocking to Texas to try and see how many different species they may find. So far, the oldest is a fish that is nearly 20,000 years old, and thought to have been extinct before humans even existed.
LOS ANGELES, California –
The parents of a 3 year old girl woke up to tragedy Monday morning as their child was found dead in her bed. The cause of death, reported by the Los Angeles Coroners Department, was due to a faulty light up fidget spinner that electrocuted the child, giving her 3rd degree burns on the face as she slept with it as it was charging in her bed.
Experts are warning parents of the dangers of purchasing fidget spinners from China, as this is not the first incident of injury. Over 100 children have been injured or killed since their release earlier this year.
“You should never leaving any devise in your bed while it’s charging,” said lead detective Louis Miguel. “We have seen this a number of times, mostly with cell phones. But these fidget spinners are injuring children in large numbers.”
The child was pronounced dead at the scene. The fidget spinner was made in China and purchased online.
MIAMI, Florida –
Juan Carlos Rodriguez, 27, went to dinner at his girlfriend Maria’s home on Tuesday. Unfortunately, the food was not was he was used to eating, and shortly after his meal, he began feeling the need to start passing gas. Because he didn’t want to have an embarrassing moment in his girlfriend’s house, he began holding them in, which lead to his untimely death.
At about eight o’clock in the evening, Rodriguez fell to the ground, holding his stomach. His girlfriend called an ambulance but he was pronounced dead at the scene. The coroner’s report showed “acute toxic poisoning,” which Rodriguez developed from holding in his farts for an excessively long time.
According to Dr. Julio Igleasias, holding in flatulence can cause the “essence” of the fart to seep into your blood stream, and cause a massive heart attack.
“Juan Carlos never knew what hit him, unfortunately,” said Dr. Igleasias. “If he had opted for the salad instead of the spicy beans, he may still be alive today.”
TULSA, Oklahoma –
A family from Tulsa, Oklahoma, underwent the scariest experience of their life yesterday, when their mobile home was carried over 130 miles by strong winds from Hurricane Harvey, landing in a rural Kansas area. Five members of the same family were inside the building during its “flight”, and all of them have miraculously survived without injuries.
41-year old Dorothy Williams, was at home with her husband, her son, and her two brothers, when their mobile home was lifted off the ground by the strongest hurricane on record.
The powerful winds reaching more than 520 miles per hour, carried and shook the mobile home for 4 hours and 18 minutes, sometimes at altitude of more than 1000 feet. After carrying the house across Northern Colorado and Southern Kansas, the tornado finally dropped it on a car, just outside of Wichita, 129.5 miles (208.5 kilometers) away from its point of origin.
A few locals have witnessed the landing, like Michael Johnson, a 63-year old neighboring farmer, who describes an incredibly spectacular scene.
“I saw something in the sky that looked like a plane without wings” says Mr. Johnson. “I seemed to be flying clumsily towards the ground, as if it was trying to land. It was probably 300 feet from me when I finally understood the it was a mobile home, and I freaked out. It landed directly on my neighbor’s car, which partially collapsed from the shock, but still rolled for almost 100 feet after the impact. It made an incredibly loud, crashing sound, and debris was flying everywhere. I thought I was going to die.”
The 60-feet long mobile home landed on an unoccupied car. The building has suffered surprisingly little structural damage considering the distance over which it was transported.
Despite the violence of the crash, with the house landing at a speed of more than 90 miles per hour, the incident did not cause any death or serious injury. All five occupants of the house have miraculously survived their incredible misadventure, suffering only a few scratches and bruises.
TAMPA, Florida –
A pastry chef in Tampa has been arrested on manslaughter charges after he accidentally baked a nude woman into a cake, say Tampa Police.
According to police reports, chef Mario Blister was hired to create an extremely large cake that a nude woman could “pop out” of during a bachelor party for a group of about 30 men.
“Unfortunately, the baker had the hired stripper come to his shop, and ended up cooking her inside the cake,” said police chief Chris Tanner. “It is a tragic accident, but we have taken Mr. Blister in on involuntary manslaughter charges.”
“I don’t know how it happened, honestly,” said Blister. “Diamond came to the shop, and I had her get inside the outer framing of the cake, to make sure it was the right size. I use a massive, oversized walk-in oven. It’s like a firing kiln, custom built, as I do a lot of stripper cakes, and it’s easier to make it all at once. She fit perfectly. I left to get some icing, and when I came back, she was gone. I assumed she had left. Turns out…I was wrong.”
Blister says that the cake mold has a clasping mechanism that had somehow gotten latched shut, and Diamond, whose real name is Bambi Limber, was still inside.
“Mr. Blister ended up cooking Ms. Limber at 350 for over 25 minutes, before he smelled that something was wrong,” said Chief Tanner. “When we showed up on the scene, it was a disaster. I’d never seen anything like it in all my years on the force. On the other hand, there was a lot of cake to take home, and it was delicious.”
NEW ENGLAND –
Police are hunting for a person who murdered a young girl while dressed as a “scary carnival clown,” and left her body in the woods.
State Police in Maine say that they believe that the “clown” lured the girl to the woods, and set up a camera to film the pre-planned murder. A recording was then anonymously delivered to a police station in Maine, which lead officials to the crime scene.
“This clown is still on the loose, and we do not know where they might be,” said State Police Chief Mario Richards. “We have expanded our search from Northern Maine all the way to Massachusetts. Unfortunately, we do not know who we may be looking for, as the person’s features are completely obscured by clown make-up.”
Police believe that the clown may have murdered at least 4 other people in the same area, as other crimes under investigation have similar patterns, including greasepaint being found on the victims. The latest victim was a young girl, aged 16-19. They have not yet identified the girl, and are currently seeking help from the public.
“This clown is extremely dangerous, as all clowns normally are,” said Chief Richards. “If you see this, or any other clown, please remove yourself from the area and call 911 immediately. This clown has been known to use a knife in its attacks, as well as a sickle. We are unsure if the clown is male or female.”
NEW BRIGHTON, Connecticut –
George L. George, 62, is the Guinness world record holder for “ugliest man,” a prize that he holds very dear to his heart. But the one record that he holds even more dear, is his number of sexual partners.
The Guinness Records Committee has recognized George’s 28,976 sexual partners as the most in history.
“It’s really kind of amazing that they’re recognizing me for my two greatest accomplishments, my dashing looks and my massive sexual conquests,” said George, who lives in an abandoned shack in Connecticut. “It’s been a long time coming for me, I’d say.”
George says that he has “always looked this way,” and that he had his first sexual encounter when he was 3.
“It was a babysitter, as it often is,” said George. “She wanted me badly. I gave it to her. Never stopped giving it to them.”
George received both of his Guinness awards via general post delivery, and says he has plans to display them on his toilet.