WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a move that probably surprises no one, President Trump has signed an executive order that will allow white people to buy, sell, and trade minorities, as well as use them as non-paid workers.
“This is a game changer for our country, and for the economy,” said Trump. “If we can get all the Mexicans and the blacks and the chinks or whatever they call them now, and round them up, and have them work for free for white business owners, then those whites can afford to pay their white employees more, which will drastically improve the economy. It’s a win-win.”
Trump says that there are provisions that will help make sure that the minorities are still “taken care of,” their compensation will just not be monetary.
“They will have free room and board, and are to be provided at least one hot and one cold meal per day,” said Trump. “That is far better than the slave-trade of our fathers and grandfathers, when there were no regulations. They will also be prohibited from working more than 20 hours in a single day.”
The order is naturally being challenged by the ACLU and other civil-rights groups, but most Republicans say they are “all for it,” and are “excited” about the change.
ATLANTA, Georgia –
United Airlines has agreed to give unlimited free flights to anyone who says they were upset by their treatment of the doctor who was violently thrown around by police after refusing to de-board one of their overbooked flights. A video, showing the events, has gone viral, and caused a media firestorm that has already cost the company millions in stock and customer protests.
“We understand that people are mad about our policies, and so we want to make it up to them,” said Mario Leland, a spokesman for United. “We already gave a ton of money and free flights to the people who were on the plane who had to witness the events first-hand, but we know there are people who have seen the videos, too, and they should be compensated.”
United says that they plan to give free flights to anyone who has suffered PTSD from the videos of the events, and will even offer to upgrade to first-class anyone who would like it.
“United understands that people have no idea how airlines work, and why we have the policies we do,” said Leland. “We also understand that, for some strange reason, people think we’re to blame, when it was that asshole doctor who wouldn’t respect the terms of his ticket purchase, or the orders of the pilot or police. Frankly, he got what he deserved. But I digress. We know people don’t understand any of this, because the public is stupid and they’re sheep. So we’re doing what we need to do to save face.”
Flights can begin being booked immediately, and according to United, they will “pay back” anyone who purchases a flight over the next five years.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Donald Trump has made plans to officially move the White House from Washington, D.C. to Las Vegas, where he owns property and says that the taxes are “much more manageable.”
“Moving the White House to Las Vegas will save tax payers an estimated $20 million a year, as the land values are much lower in the desert,” said Trump. “I am working with the best planners, the best men out there, to move the White House safely and securely.”
There is no word on whether Las Vegas will become our nation’s capital after the White House is relocated, but Trump did say that he wouldn’t personally have any problem with that.
“There’s a lot of money in Las Vegas, and a lot of beautiful women. We’d be lucky to have Las Vegas be our nation’s capital. It’s a beautiful, fun, fast-paced city, and everyone who goes there loves it. I love it. I own plenty of property there. It’s great. Plus, what happens there stays there, so we could get away with a lot more there than we could here in D.C.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Vice President Mike Pence reportedly electrocuted himself accidentally after touching a light switch after getting out of the shower, while still wet. Ironically, the VP now claims that he is homosexual, and has planned a massive “coming out” party at the White House.
Pence, who has long been known for his completely stupid views on homosexuality and believing that it can be cured via electro-shock therapy, is now referring to himself as “a big, flaming fag,” and says he’s never been happier.
“Oh my God you guys, being gay is so wonderful and amazing. I mean, I wanna say I told you so, ’cause if I’m gay just from getting shocked, there’s no WAY that shocking couldn’t cause the opposite effect, ya know?” said Pence in a fun, sing-song voice. “But, you know, I’m just too damn giddy to even consider being negative like that. I’m the first gay man in power since Elton John’s Tiny Dancer was #1 on the charts. Ohh, baby!”
The gay community, which is normally very happy when a major celebrity comes out, has withdrawn from Pence’s announcement, and calls it “truly stupid.”
DECATUR, Alabama –
Police were recently tipped off to a reported meth lab that was being run by Walmart employees in what they are calling one of the biggest busts in decades.
Police Chief Robert Garner said that an anonymous tip was left on their drug hotline, expressing concern about a horrible burning smell that was coming from the back of the Decatur WalMart facility. When an officer was sent to investigate, the store was instantly shut down as he discovered a meth lab that took up the entire back room.
“The thing was massive, and contained enough materials to make hundreds, if not thousands, of pounds of crystal meth,” said Chief Garner. “Apparently, every employee in the store was a part of it, from working with and gathering materials, to cooking, to selling it outside of the store. It was a full, massive operation.”
No one from Walmart’s corporate office was available for comment, but an unofficial spokesperson did say that they were “disappointed” that they weren’t able to use their company discount to get meth before the place was shut down.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
After a slew of celebrity devices were hacked, a group of anonymous individuals have begun leaking nude images and sex tapes recorded by the celebrity victims. The latest seems to be President Donald Trump himself, as the group of hackers claims they have a sex tape that was taken “very recently,” but does not feature Trump’s wife Melania.
“We have procured a very salacious, very non-sexy video,” posted an anonymous hacker on the forum Reddit. “I’ve seen the video myself. I wish I hadn’t, but I have. And the person in the video is definitely Trump, and the other person is decidedly NOT Melania.”
According to the post, which included screenshots that we are not able to re-post here, the group would be releasing the full video if Trump did not step down from the Presidency. Although most would assume that he would never do that just to save face, the poster seems to think that the video is definitely something that will “get Trump thinking.”
“President Trump will know exactly what video we have if we mention the words ‘donkey’ and ‘whips,'” said the post. “We do not think that Trump, nor the man in the video with him, would want this information going public. Whoops, guess I slipped up there…”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was hospitalized after he contracted what he said was “bird flu” from eating a bucket of KFC chicken that had spoiled.
According to his doctor, Spicer merely had a case of the trots after ingesting day-old chicken, but the Press Secretary is “positive” that it is Bird Flu.
“I ate bad chicken, which is a bird. Everyone knows that chickens are birds,” said Spicer from his hospital bed. “When you eat bad birds, you get bird flu. I don’t know why that is so hard for these doctors to understand.”
Spicer says that he has contracted bird flu several times in his life, and that his mom was always the best at making him feel better when he was a boy.
“Mom would make me a hot broth and I’d eat that with crackers, and then I’d lay down and I felt better,” said Spicer. “It has happened several times, but not in many years. Mom also helped me after I contracted mad cow disease after I ate spoiled hamburger one time. My mom is a phenomenal woman.”
BEAUMONT, Texas –
48-year old Henri Paul Johnson was killed last week after he was accidentally cremated during a long shift at the Coroner’s Office Morgue.
According to police, Johnson took a nap on a stretcher after working over 16 hours, and was mistaken for another man who was killed in a car accident, and scheduled to be cremated.
Jena Davis, who was not the co-worker who cremated Johnson, says they heard him scream for a moment, but didn’t know where the sound was coming from.
“At first, we didn’t understand where the sound was coming from. When we realized what was happening, it was too late. We shut down the heating system, but he was already dead.”
Davis says that Johnson was exposed to temperatures of well over 1500 degrees Fahrenheit, and there was nothing that could have been done. A new employee, who had forgotten to check the toe tag on the body before proceeding, was blamed for the accident, but no charges have yet been filed.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Trump announced this morning that he would be taking a 2-month vacation beginning April 1st, returning to Washington in June, after a “stressful” first quarter of 2017.
“There are a lot of things that have come across my desk, and it’s been overwhelming,” said Trump. “I think that it will be a good time to take a break, and let things really setting in my head so I can continue Making America Great Again.”
Trump owns a home in the Bahamas, but will be renting a massive villa instead of using the home he owns.
“I want to see new parts of the area, and so I will be renting some property for the two months I’m gone. This will only put a minor burden on tax payers, as it will fall under Presidential Service.”
President Trump will be bringing his wife and son Barron, as well as 13 members of the Secret Service.
VATICAN CITY –
Pope Francis was caught stealing food that had been placed behind the Vatican for homeless last night, causing many to decry him as “evil.”
According to Vatican Police, the footage was retrieved from a security camera system on March 18th, and showed the Pontiff stealing a plate of food that had been donated by local restaurants and left for the city’s homeless. The Pope, when questioned about this act, seemed very shaken.
“I was not stealing it. I have much food available to me. I was merely, um…I wanted them to have a good, hot meal,” said Pope Francis. “I was going to heat it in the holy microwave to make sure that any homeless that ate it would be happy.”
Police are not buying the explanation, but are forced by law, to ignore it completely.
“Unfortunately, there isn’t much we can do here,” said Vatican Police Captain Leonardo DiSuza. “His Holiness is definitely lying, but he is the end-all, be-all here in the city. It’s not like he is going to jail or anything. He won’t even get a slap on the wrist.”
Public opinion of the Pope has so far not been damaged, as most people don’t care at all about the homeless, especially homeless in Rome.