DALLAS, Texas –
A 4 year-old baby has been charged with first degree murder after a string of high-stakes robberies lead to the death of a bank teller.
Michael Rodriguez, 4, served as the shooter while Nick Hays, 19, was the getaway driver, according to Dallas police. The pair were charged with two counts of aggravated battery and assault, and armed robbery. Rodriguez, as the shooter, is facing six robbery counts and a first degree murder charge, while Hays is being charged with conspiracy to commit murder.
Police said Rodriguez walked into a bank located on East Grand at about 8 p.m, and shot a male employee before taking his gold chain and over $10,000 in cash from the bank drawers. He then ran to the getaway car driven by Hays, police said. The employee was pronounced dead at the scene. His name has not been released.
On Friday, a Dallas County Judge ordered Hays be held on a $500,000 bond, while baby Rodriguez is is being transferred to the Dallas County Juvenile Department’s Death Row cells, police said. It is the first time anyone under the age of 15 has ever been on death row in Texas.
LOS ANGELES, California –
The world’s most famous transgender person, and total obnoxious asshole Caitlyn Jenner, says that she has become “completely bored” being a woman, and thinks it’s time that she transitions back to a men, and goes back to being just “plain old Bruce.”
“Being a girl is fun for a bit. I have some bitchin’ tits, and yeah, I got rid of my penis, but I miss it. We were together a long time,” says Jenner. “I think I’d like to have it back. I walk through my house, and I see myself on the hundreds of Wheaties boxes I collected, and I like the way I looked then. It’s time for another change.”
Jenner says that the plan is to return to manhood after she has the nude photos done for Playboy.
“No matter what anyone says, I’m baring it all for the nude spread,” said Jenner. “That shoot is going to make me a fortune. Everyone is going to want to see that – even those bigots who say they’re disgusted by it. You know they’re going to sneak a spank to it. I’m very excited.”
After Jenner transitions back, she says she wants everything to just “return to normal.”
“I’m honestly kind of sick of being in the public eye, being on TV, being a public icon and an American hero multiple times over,” said Jenner. “It’s going to be nice to just be Bruce again.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
President Donald Trump has admitted that the real reason he banned transgenders in the military is because he has begun his transition into a woman, and said he was “scared” he might have to serve in the military.
“I already dodged the draft, made my way through life without ever having to serve in the military, so there was no way I was going to ever have to deal with possibly engaging in real combat,” said President Trump. “It worked out that I was planning on becoming a woman, as I’ve known for some time that I was not comfortable as a man. I mean, I’m not a faggy peter-puffer or anything. I still love grabbing women by the pussy. I just like to tuck it back and throw on a nice dress.”
When he was informed that he is well past the age of being drafted in the likely case that he leads the country into war, Trump was noticeably embarrassed.
“Nobody tells me anything about how this stuff actually works,” said our Commander-in-Chief. “Either way, I cannot wait for everyone to meet the new Donald. I think I’m going to go with the name Donna.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
A misprinted set of currency, being dubbed “pinkbacks” by collectors, in response to their tinted color, has made its way into everyday trade and banks, and collectors are picking them up for top dollar.
“I got a pink $100 bill when I cashed my check at the bank,” said Craig Fisher of Baltimore. “I thought it was kind of odd. At first I thought it was fake, but then I looked into it, and found out it was a very rare misprint. I ended up selling it to a collector for $15,000.”
The U.S. mint is trying, and seemingly failing, to get their hands on all of the misprinted bills. They are not saying how much currency is currently out there with the pink tint, but collectors are estimating that it is probably a small amount.
“Based on what I know about the influx of currency into the general marketplace, I’d venture to guess that there is maybe 1,000 of each of the pink $100s, $50s, and $20s, and probably only a couple hundred of the pink $10s,” said currency collector and expert, Mark Ditka. “I’ve only seen one $10 pinkback for sale so far, and I know it fetched well over $75,000.”
Ditka says that it’s “unlikely” that anyone will find one of these bills in the “real world,” as most of them have gone “underground” in the collector’s market, so that the U.S. treasury does not get their hands on them.
“But if you do find one, definitely give me a call,” said Ditka. “I’ll pay you a fortune for one.”
BOSTON, Massachusetts –
A researcher at the prestigious Harvard School of Medicine has found a cure for HIV and AIDS – something that doctors have been working on for nearly 40 years.
“It’s actually really simple,” said Dr. Marvin Hoek, who has been working on the project for over a decade. “The answer was right under our nose the whole time, and we have found a way to completely eradicate AIDS and HIV, the virus that causes AIDS, in people.”
Dr. Hoek says that he began clinical trials in 2008, and stumbled across the cure in 2015.
“I have been working since that time to find a cure for what the AIDS cure causes, which is cancer.
According to Dr. Hoek, he says that in the over 10,000 cases of AIDS that he has eradicated, every single one of the patients ended up contracting cancer, and dying anyway.
“It’s really kind of a win-lose situation at this point in time, but we’re still working on the kinks right now,” said Dr. Hoek.
Hoek plans to publish the full scope of his work in the January 2018 Journal of Independent Medicine.
ALTA VISTA, California –
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg says that the website, which is one of the most trafficked in the world, will be shutting down for 72 hours on August 15th in response to a slew of police murders in the last year.
“I’m very proud of our country’s police forces, and there are a lot of men and women being struck down in the line of duty by nasty, vicious criminals,” said Zuckerberg. “There is not a lot I can do as a citizen, but what I can do is use my power as the owner of one of the biggest websites of all time to make sure these people are remembered.”
Starting on August 15th at midnight eastern time, until midnight on August 18th, Facebook will be replaced by images of fallen police from throughout the country, along with names and service dates. What the site will not do, Zuckerberg said, is make any mention of the “asshole criminals” who killed the officers.
“These criminals, these nasty, disgusting pieces of shit, they get enough mention in newspapers and magazines, and the real heroes, the police, are not mentioned enough,” said Zuckerberg. “Facebook has always been about the color blue, and there’s a reason for that. There are no more important heroes in society today than police. And this is my way of showing that.”
KINGS COUNTY, California –
Famed cult leader Charles Manson, who is serving a life sentence for his role in the Manson Family murders in the 1960s, reportedly stumbled across a cell with 3 prisoners who were all deceased. Manson said he was doing his janitorial rounds when he found the dead bodies.
“Mr. Manson is a model prisoner who loves to work around the yard and cells, cleaning and mopping,” said warden Miles Richard. “On Friday, though, Mr. Manson reportedly found dead bodies in section A-4. The names of the deceased have not yet been released, pending an investigation and notice to family.”
“It was really kind of disturbing finding not just one, but several people dead like that,” said Manson. “I have never actually seen a dead body before. Even all those years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the house when everyone was killed. It didn’t have anything to do with me. It’s really kind of gross, and rather unnerving to see.”
Manon, who is 82-years-old, is reportedly “doing just fine,” according to prison doctors, and may very well live to be “over 100 years old.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Senator John McCain shocked the entire country by voting NO on the Obamacare repeal on the Senate floor the other day, but even though he made a wave of new fans from the left, he is now saying he made a mistake, and that his brain tumor is to brain.
“I momentarily lost my senses, and literally couldn’t remember which way was up, and which was down,” said McCain, speaking from his home, where doctors have put him on bedrest. “I meant, of course, to vote TO repeal it, as was the plan. As I’ve mentioned before. There’s nothing that Republicans like doing more than screwing the entire country, and so naturally I should have given a thumbs-up. I swear I did. This brain tumor is really taking its toll.”
Unfortunately, the vote sticks as-is, unless a majority calls for a new vote sometime in the next 90 days.
“I think at that vote, I may abstain,” said McCain. “If I’m still alive, I really don’t want to mess this up again, and you never know how my vote might go.”
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
In a major move by a sitting president, Donald Trump has “pre-pardoned” himself before he commits any crimes while in office.
“There is a good chance, if I continue on the track I’m going, that there are going to be a lot of different crimes happening, and a few of them will be pretty serious,” said Trump in a statement to the press. “So I’ve taken measures to protect myself and my cabinet from prosecution should the crimes happen.”
A sitting president has, for the most part, the legal ability to pardon nearly any criminal they wish, but it is used very sparingly. This is the first time a president has ever pardoned themselves. The ACLU has a team of lawyers confirming the legality of Trump’s pardon.
“We really don’t think this is legal at all,” said ACLU president Carl Grover. “We are looking into it. It’s such a stupid thing, no one has ever done it before, we’re not even sure how well it can hold up. But knowing Trump, he’s probably changed or removed enough other laws to somehow make this legal. He’s clearly the king of the loophole.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
Police have begun an investigation into the death of Linkin Park frontman Chester Bennington after is came to light that he may have been murdered to cover up a massive Hollywood scandal that included a major pedophilia ring that would have brought down MAJOR players in the entertainment industry.
“Murders are sometimes made to look like suicides. We think he was murdered, we just have to find out who was behind it,” said a police source. “We are investigating all angles at this time.”
The Los Angeles County Medical Examiner’s office confirmed the 41-year-old nu-metal icon was found dead, but refused to provide details, with the agency’s chief of operations, Brian Elias, remaining tight-lipped about whether media reports of suicide are accurate.
Bennington, who sang at Chris Cornell’s recent funeral after becoming close to the Soundgarden frontman in recent years, was reportedly working with Cornell’s foundation to prevent the sexual exploitation of vulnerable children.
The Linkin Park frontman, who was the father of six children, and was also the godfather to Chris Cornell’s son, was on record talking about the long-term emotional fallout of being sexually abused by an older male as a child.
“If I think back to when I was really young, to when I was being molested, to when all these horrible things were going on around me, I shudder,” he told the metal magazine Kerrang! in 2011.
Bennington and Cornell had been working together over the last few years to try and expose a massive pedophilia ring that has been tormenting children and teens in Hollwood for decades, with plans to release a dossier of names that they had collected from private sources, many of whom are apparently major A-list names.
It is obvious to many friends and fans of Bennington that he would never have committed suicide, and that any demons he had were dealt with years ago – he lived for his six children, and helping others. As more details of his death emerge, it is worth keeping an eye on who pushes hardest with the suicide angle and attempts to shut down anyone who raises questions – they may be involved in the cover-up.