VATICAN CITY –
Pope Francis committed what many are calling a “mortal sin,” but at the very least is something of a faux pas, after he accidentally held up a copy of the vintage porn magazine Beaver instead of his bible during Mass in Vatican City.
“The Pope was very tired that day, and didn’t realize that he had picked up the wrong item,” said Vatican spokesperson Cardinal John Devoux. “His mistake was quickly noted, and he threw the magazine away, and continued with his sermon.”
Although Pope Francis has not personally acknowledged the incident, the Vatican has admitted that they do not know how the magazine came to be in the possession of the Church, or why it was nearby during the Pope’s Mass.
The issue, which was photographed being held up by Pope Francis, is over 20 years old.
DENVER, Colorado –
The state of Colorado has announced plans to release all prisoners currently serving time for marijuana-related offenses, roughly 6 years after the state legalized the recreational use of the drug.
This decision was made after several non-violent criminals, arrested or serving time for low-level marijuana-related crimes petitioned the state legislature to hear their cases. With the backing of the ACLU, the 9 prisoners were able to win their release – along with the release of anyone else serving.
“We cannot, in good conscience, allow people to be spending time in prison for something that is not a crime anymore, and that people are allowed to do freely on the outside,” said ACLU representative and lawyer, Carl Urbex. “This is a major win for marijuana users, and I sincerely hope that other states with laws similar to ours follow suit.”
PITTSBURGH, PA –
Police are reporting that comedian, actor, and convicted rapist Bill Cosby has been found dead in his home of an apparent suicide. Medical reports indicate that he took his entire stash of roofies, and collapsed due to cardiac arrest.
“Mr. Cosby, as we all know very well now, was a rapist who enjoyed drugging women and sexually assaulting them,” said Police Captain Phil Huxtable of the PA County Sheriff’s Department. “It appears that in an effort to avoid a prison sentence, one where he no doubt would have stayed until he died, he decided to take his own life by resorting to ‘hitting off his own stash,’ as it were.”
Cpt. Huxtable says that Cosby likely took over 150 Rohpynol pills, often called “roofies” or the “date rape drug.” These are also likely the same pills that Cosby used to drug and rape dozens and dozens and dozens of women over the years. He was found guilty earlier this week of 3 counts of sexual assault. Each count had a maximum sentence of 10 years, and individual fines of $25,000 per offense.
Secret, closed door negotiations have finally been made public after an agreement was reached by the US Government to purchase the social media giant for $10 billion.
There is no doubt that Facebook has been a runaway success – but for who? It has been long suspected that Facebook has been feeding information to the NSA, CIA and other government entities and that they excessively use this site to monitor the online activity of Facebook users. The US government has already been caught taking dodgy steps with individual privacy.
There’s no denying the information gained by Facebook from its users is valuable to a degree and there is no question that the US government has been caught gathering private information without people’s consent. Does this mean the government now has an even larger agenda ahead of them? The government has made increasingly frequent demands for information from ISPs (Internet service providers), telecom companies, and other social media sites.
But the information generated by Facebook users has been the government’s primary resource on the American people. Insiders with confidential knowledge say that Zuckerberg is tired of the increasing demands from government entities. Finally, it has pushed him over the edge to sell. However, $10 billion is not a bad payday! But will you keep your Facebook account? Are you concerned about the privacy issues?
BELMOPAN, Belize –
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been kidnapped by Belize terrorists while vacationing with his family in the capital city of Belmopan. Police in Belize have received a single correspondence from the kidnappers, demanding $2 billion dollars in cash for his safe return.
Zuckerberg, who has a net worth of $70 billion, was visiting Belmopan with his family for a month-long vacation, and was reportedly taken by several men in masks who threw him into a van. His wife, who was with him at the time, was unharmed, and phoned police.
At this time, police are uncertain if Zuckerberg is alive, but remain hopeful that the kidnappers plan to abide by their word, and release him upon payment. Zuckerberg’s wife, Priscilla Chan, has said that they will pay the ransom immediately, as “$2 billion is really nothing when you have $68 billion more to play with.”
She says that once he is safely returned, they will continue their vacation.
FAIRFAX, Virginia –
The National Rifle Association has just angered nearly all of their 6 million members, after NRA head Wayne LaPierre announced that group would back a bill headed to congress that would ban assault rifles on the federal level.
“While we are still firm believes and stand in line with the second amendment, we are also realists, and have seen the facts,” said LaPierre. “There is no reason that any individual owns an assault rifle in this day and age. While hunting is a fine sport, that’s all it is – a sport. No one needs to kill an animal to eat anymore. And from a protection standpoint, there are many other rifles and numerous handguns that will just as quickly stop an intruder in your home.”
LaPierre says the group has been pressured to come to this decision after numerous public shootings, including the Florida school shooting last month which left 17 dead, and was perpetrated by someone with an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle.
“Parkland was the final straw for us, and for many others who have children, and see this needless violence continuing,” said LaPierre. “From my cold, dead hands is fine, but the cold, dead hands of my children? That’s not okay.”
SAN DIEGO, California –
Famed falled comedian Bill Cosby was rushed to a San Diego hospital after he was found violently beaten outside of his home. Police say that a neighbor called 911 after they saw Cosby laying in a pool of blood by his mailbox. A woman, whose name has not yet been released, has been arrested in conjunction with the assault.
According to police, the woman claims that Cosby raped her nearly 35 years ago, and that she felt it was “her time.”
Cosby has been accused by dozens of women of sexual misconduct over his long career, including several who say he drugged them and assaulted them while they were unconscious. Cosby, who was once the most loved man on television, has found himself the butt of jokes by other comedians who once idolized him.
Doctors say that Cosby is in stable, but critical condition. He was taken in with multiple broken ribs, a crack vertebrae in his neck, two broken wrists, as well as multiple contusions and cuts across his whole body. He was stabbed in the chest 3 times with what police say was a “very small” pocketknife.
WASHINGTON, D.C. –
Americans who are under the financial strain of repaying student loan debt may now be off the hook for their education costs. President Trump signed a new bill this week releasing any student who has accrued outstanding debt caused by college loans.
“Although certain costs of school are generally offset by private loans, grants, and scholarships, almost every student currently in a 2 or 4-year program has some existing loans with the US government,” said President Trump. “With this new bill, anyone who has taken loans from the federal government, at any point, will no longer be required to pay back those loans.”
Although the bill was signed on Friday afternoon, the program will not begin until the end of 2018, at which point current and former students will begin to see interest and repayment amounts on their loans delete automatically.
“Education is the single most important thing in my mind when it comes to furthering this great nation,” said Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. “I can think of no better way to help the young people, this next generation of thinkers and doers, than by helping them to stand on their feet more firmly, and not just worry about a future of paying back debt.”
With close to $1 billion in net income every year, private lender Sallie Mae has stated that they are not interested in following suit with the governments plan for loan forgiveness.
“We are a private company, and private lenders. We have no interest in forgiving anything. These little fuckers took out the loans, they can pay them back – with interest,” said Carla Edwarton, CEO of Sallie Mae. “Sure, yeah, education is important to us. You know what else is important? Learning about paying back your debts – with interest – or ruining your credit for life. Sorry you chose to pursue a degree in art history, little Johnny. Maybe you should have chosen a major that would make you some money.”
LOS ANGELES, California –
After a major ratings success last week with the return of Roseanne, whose politics have taken center stage after she made it known that she was an ardent Trump supporter, the President himself has made a surprise announcement that he appears in one of the episodes of the new season, which will run for 8 more weeks on ABC.
“It’s true that I appear as myself in an episode of Roseanne,” said President Trump during a recent press conference. “I was asked to appear, and thought it would be a fun return to TV. I’ve been friends with Rosie for many years, and was honored to make an appearance.”
The President did not comment in which episode he would appear, but a White House entertainment spokesperson said that they are not 100% sure which episode it is.
“The shows for this season were not shot sequentially, so we’re not sure. I guess you’ll have to watch them all,” said the representative. “We think it will be great fun for all Trump supporters, and even his detractors may get a laugh out of it. No one has ever said that Trump can’t laugh at himself a bit. And if they have, well, they’re wrong.”
Roseanne airs Tuesday nights on ABC. Check local listings for times and channel numbers.
PALO ALTO, California –
In what they are calling a “simple change,” Netflix announced that they play to move away from the “expensive” ad-free model they currently have, and move towards an ad-based model that would reduce monthly costs for consumers, much like competitors Hulu and Crackle.
“One of the biggest complaints we get is our high cost,” said Netflix CEO Reed Hastings. ” The second biggest complaint is that there aren’t enough commercials. I know, I know. You don’t believe that second one, but it’s true.”
Hastings said that the company has spent the last 5 months partnering with companies who plan to run 10-30 second commercials before and after shows, as well as at periodic points in any show or movie longer than one hour.
“For our customers who do not want commercials, and prefer to keep their streaming service as it is, we will have that option, but unfortunately, the price will go up for that,” said Hastings. He did not confirm the upgraded cost.
“On the plus side, the cost for ad-based streaming will go down to $3.99 a month for HD, and 4.99 for 4K. We really believe in this model, and think that our customers will, too,” said Hastings.
DVD Netflix, which many of you are learning still exists just by reading this sentence, will still send commercial-free, retail versions of DVDs and Blu-rays.