CNN Loses FCC License After Trump Declares Them ‘Fake News’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump has rung the death toll for the Cable News Network. According to recently filed documents, the once mega-giant news channel will be losing their FCC licenses, forcing them to stop broadcast on April 1. The blow comes after Trump declared the company ‘fake news,’ and blacklisted them from attending White House press conferences.

“CNN is the worst network on television today, and nothing they say about me is true,” said President Trump. “The only network worth watching is Fox News. They are true. They say true things, and they say the best things. CNN is the worst, and everything they say is fake news.”

After Trump declared the channel to be fake news, their ratings plummeted to the lowest in cable television history, with only around 100 to 150 people even tuning into the channel on a daily basis.

“We are saddened that Trump has chosen our network to the be the scapegoat for his War on Truth,” said CNN head Carl Nelson. “Because of his lies about our network, we have lost our licenses, and lost our ability to broadcast. Effective April 1st, we will no longer be on the air.”

Nelson says they are trying to convince the FCC that they should be allowed to continue broadcasting, but the FCC says that they are “not interested” in listening to any fake news, either.

“President Trump has informed us that CNN should not be listened to, so we’re not going to,” said FCC chairman Joel Winters. “We’re a government agency. We do what we’re told. I’m not losing my job over this shit.”

Trump Administration Plans To Legalize ‘Most Drugs’ Including Heroin To Help Stop Addiction

drugs

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

In a new statement from the White House, President Trump has said that he plans to work with states to help tackle harsh drug addiction by doing what he did to quit smoking nearly 30 years ago.

“I used to smoke, and it disgusted even me,” said President Trump. “The only way I was able to quit was to smoke until I puked I smoked about 9 packs in a matter of an hour. I never wanted to smoke again. I strongly believe that the best way to kick a habit is to overdo it. If you want to kick heroin or meth or cocaine, you just have to do an obscene amount of it. Legalizing drugs will help.”

Despite Trump’s health advisors explaining the drastic consequences this could have, Trump is reportedly undeterred.

“I also used to do a lot of cocaine. The only way I kicked that habit was by flying to Colombia and doing lines of pure white off the back of a hooker,” said Trump. “Sometimes, abundance is the only way to really flush something out of your system.”

Although Trump plans to sign an executive order later this week legalizing non-prescription drugs for use by anyone over the age of 18, there is bound to be an extreme backlash from anti-drug groups.

Study Finds Trump Voters Have Drastically Lower IQ Than Liberals

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

After Donald Trump was elected President, a group of researchers at the Pentagon set into motion a study unlike any other – they wanted to find out the average IQ of a group that would elect such an unqualified person into office.

Working with over 10,000 confirmed Trump voters and 10,000 confirmed non-Trump voters, researchers gave standardized intelligence quotient tests to each group. There was no time limit to complete the test, and it was given twice over a week-long period.

“The results of the testing, while not at all surprising, prove that Trump voters are drastically behind liberals and non-Trump voters on an intellectual basis,” said Dr. Carl Brewner, who headed the study. “The test was 200 questions, and each completed test gave us an average IQ score based on answers. On average, a Trump voter would score in the 30th percentile, or have an average intelligence level of about 71, far below the 90 to 110 that is considered ‘normal.’ A non-Trump voter would score an average of approximately 96.”

The research team claims that their test is ‘fairly conclusive,’ and they feel that even if they tested every single one of the millions of Trump voters, they’d come up with similar results.

“It was quite obvious to everyone that anyone who would vote for Donald Trump must be pretty stupid,” said Brewner. “Just look at the stupid things they say and do in your timeline on Facebook every single day. Now, though, we don’t even have to rely on just physical evidence of their stupidity via comments and posts and memes – we have the actual scientific data to back up how dumb they really are.”

 

Woman Who Ate 3 of Her Children Released From Prison After Only 2 Years

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

A 32-year-old woman, Maria Astrana, was convicted in late 2014 of cannibalizing three of her six children, and sentenced to life in prison. Surprisingly, Astrana was released from jail today after serving just slightly over two years, thanks to a bizarre technicality and typing error.

According to lawyers, Astrana’s sentenced was cut drastically short when they filed a motion to dismiss based on a typo in her official court documents.

“Ms. Astrana’s officially written sentence was typed as ‘lif (sic) without parole,'” said her lawyer, Darius Marques, Esq. “Because of this, we took her case to a new judge, who found that her sentence could not be completely verified, and as such she would be let out of prison.”

Outrage over the decision has already begun spreading across social media, with many calling out the Governor of Arizona for allowing this to happen under his watch.

“I can’t even walk across the street outside of a crosswalk without getting a ticket, and this bitch can eat some of her kids like she’s a wild animal, and only serve two years?” said Phoenix resident Alexandra Jones. “This is crazy. They might as well just do away with laws all together. The hell with it.”

Astrana says that she has already consulted with her old job, and they plan to offer to give her back her old position. She previously worked at the Lil’ Tykes Daycare center in Phoenix.

Ex-President Obama Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up Trunk Full of Cocaine

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HONOLULU, Hawaii – 

Former President Barack Obama was reportedly arrested in Hawaii late last evening after a routine traffic stop turned into chaos, as Obama was heard swearing, yelling, and seen attempting to hit a police officer. When his car was searched, police found nearly 20 pounds of pure cocaine in the trunk of his car.

“Originally, I stopped Obama only because he was driving with a light out,” said Officer Mike Daniels. “I didn’t know it was him until I approached the window. I planned on letting him go, but he came on very strong, and was swearing at me. When I asked him if he was okay, he got out of the car and proceeded to take a swing at me. Unfortunately, I had to use my taser on him, and he went down like Hillary in the general election.”

Obama claims that the car he was driving was a rental, and that he had “no idea” how the cocaine could have gotten into the trunk. Police released the former President on bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Honolulu courtroom on March 9th.

Trump Signs Order To Include Extra $1k In Tax Refunds For ‘Deserving Americans’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Donald Trump signed his latest order on Wednesday morning, which will allow for an extra $1000 to be sent out with the tax refunds of ‘deserving Americans.’ According to Trump, the money will not be coming from within the tax system, and will instead come out of his own pocket.

Trump says that he plans to spend approximately $15 million to hand out extra cash to police, fireman, doctors and nurses, and veterans, among others.

“There are a lot of people who do a lot of good for others, and these people are the most deserving Americans I know,” said Trump. “And because they do so much good, I think they deserve a little good in return. This year, I will send out over 15000 checks for an extra $1000 each to those people who are deserving of a little extra help, and a little more appreciation.”

Trump says that the 15000 people will be chosen at random, from a database curated by the National Census Bureau, which has information on the employment of over 6 million Americans.

After Several States Legalize Marijuana During Elections, Walmart Announces Plans To Sell Pot Seeds, Seedlings

BENTONVILLE, Arkansas – 

Although many people consider Walmart to be the epitome of an “evil corporation,” no one can say that they’re not completely in touch with what people want. The company announced today that in several states, including Colorado, Maine, and Washington D.C., the company would begin selling marijuana seeds and seedling plants to consumers who are over 21.

“Most of these states have the same or similar laws when it comes to owning marijuana plants,” said company spokesperson Rebecca Brent. “As an adult over 21, you can have several plants, and you can grow even more. We already sell alcohol, and our employees are trained to ask for ID for anyone under 40 for controlled substances. Heck, we even card for R-rated movies like some company out of the dark ages. So selling marijuana will not add any sort of hinderance on our employees, and will be a great way to tap into a new market of potential customers.”

Surprisingly, there are very few protests about the company dipping into the weed trade, even from government officials.

“If Walmart is adhering to the laws, gaining proper licensure, then there’s no reason I can see for any fuss to be made,” said Charlie Connors, a representative for the Governor’s office in Maine. “We are allowing small businesses to sell, and we are allowing adults to purchase. I do not see why there is any issue with Walmart, the largest retailer in the world, from selling either.”

Brent says that if the seed and seedling sales go well, it’s possible that Walmart will branch into smaller locations that will only sell marijuana and paraphernalia.

“We were thinking of calling those smaller stores Wal-Greens, but as it turns out, that’s pretty much taken,” said Brent. “We are really excited about moving forward with such a great product launch, though.”

Brent says that they will add new aisles into Walmart locations that will be selling. The marijuana products will be located, naturally, next to the potato chip and soda aisle.

Oil In Dakota Access Pipeline Found To Be Carrying Smallpox Disease

dakota

NORTH DAKOTA – 

Despite Obama trying to shut down work on the Dakota Access Pipeline as a last resort before Donald Trump was sworn in, there is still massive unrest in the area, with protests lighting up daily. Unfortunately, it seems that there may be a complete shutdown of the project after all, because researchers have recently discovered that the oil running through the pipeline is “chock full” of the smallpox virus.

“We had several employees of Dakota Oil and Drilling who became very ill after several gallons of oil leaked during a routine drilling expedition,” said Dr. Mario Santone of St. Marie’s Medical Center. “Through several tests, we determined that the workers did, indeed, have smallpox. When we were provided with a sample of the oil from the drilling site, we were alarmed to find that there were over 46 million parts per ounce of smallpox. The number is staggering, and it makes the oil very ‘toxic’ to humans.”

President Trump, who re-started work on the pipeline immediately after taking office, was told about the dangers of continuing to allow people to work or even protest in the area, with a possible smallpox outbreak imminent if a leak occurred. Trump says he’ll “think about it,” and may just quarantine the people who are already in the area from returning home.

Twitter CEO Says They Are Cancelling Trump’s Account ‘For The Good of the Country’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced this morning that the company would be officially cancelling Donald Trump’s account by the end of the week.  Although a full termination of an account of a celebrity is rare, Dorsey says that he feels it is his ‘patriotic duty’ to get Trump off of Twitter.

“This is not a statement of my political party, nor is it a bash against the current Presidency in any way,” said Dorsey. “Basically, this move is being made to help the entire country. Donald Trump spends far too much time tweeting, and not nearly enough time focusing on issues that actually matter in this country.”

Trump went on a Twitter tirade a few days ago, bashing networks CNN and MSNBC as “fake news,” and finishing off by saying that “Fox and Friends was okay.”

“Those tweets are the kind of thing I’m talking about,” commented Dorsey. “The country is more divided now than it has ever been, and Trump is at the epicenter of it all. But instead of bringing things together, he’s just stoking the fire. That is why we have decided to ban him from Twitter all together.”

Dorsey says that they will be backing up Trump’s tweets since the creation of his account, and then removing the entire profile. Any Donald Trump accounts that open after will also be deleted.

BREAKING: Trump Signs Executive Order Making Murder Legal…With Just One Catch

donald-trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Donald Trump signed his latest executive order this morning, making murder legal in all 50 states, but there’s one catch – it’s only legal if the murderer is a white, male and the person they kill is a minority.

“This new order is designed to clean out the riff-raff in this country, and as well all know, our biggest problem are the browns, the reds, the yellows, and the blacks…especially the blacks – they’re the ones causing most of the problems in this country,” said Trump. “My new order is designed to keep the streets safer, one murder at a time.”

Trump went on to say that any white male is able to kill any minority at any time, for any reason, and it would be considered “universal defense,” which is what Trump says self-defense of the country should be referred to as.

“Universal defense is what we do, as Americans. We universally defend ourselves, our families, and our freedoms,” said Trump. “Now, I want to take that a step further, and universally defend ourselves from the nasty, the deplorables, basically, that lie within.”

The ACLU immediately filed an injunction in the NYC Federal Courts with hopes of overturning Trump’s order.

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