Health Department Warns About DANGEROUS New Tick That Burrows Under Your Skin – These Guys Are DISGUSTING and DEADLY!

tick

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The US Health Department has issued warnings in 6 states – New Hampshire, Maine, Massachusetts, Vermont, Connecticut, and Rhode Island – about a dangerous and deadly new breed of tick that will immediately burrow into human skin, and can actually live under your flesh for days or even weeks undetected.

Dr. James Monroe, head of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, issued the warning through the White House, who sent out examples of the tick to all 50 states – with specific warnings in the 6 targeted states that the ticks have been found.

“So far, we’ve had over 800 cases in 6 states, mostly in New England at this time,” said Dr. Monroe. “It is rapidly reaching epidemic levels, and the nature of these insects is disturbing. They will burrow under human flesh, and can feed on your blood from within your body, much like a ‘regular’ tick will do now, but the variance being that these ticks are much more deadly, and much more likely to make their way into you undetected. It is advisable that people stay out of heavily wooded areas, or any place with high grass or plants.”

Dr. Monroe says that of the 800 cases, there has been 19 reported deaths, mostly elderly people, whose bodies were not able to fight off the bacteria released by the ticks. Whereas a regular or deer tick is commonly known for carrying Lyme Disease, these new “super ticks” carry a disease more likened to the Black Plague, causing nightmarish fevers, aches, heart problems, and possible death.

Why You Need to STOP Cooking With Wooden Utensils IMMEDIATELY – This Can SAVE YOUR LIFE!

woodenLOS ANGELES, California – 

A mother in Los Angeles and her two children, aged 7 and 4, are in critical condition after ingesting what doctors are saying was an “extreme amount” of mites, linked to wooden cooking utensils in the family’s kitchen.

Miranda Joseph and her children were admitted to St. Christine Hospital in Los Angeles after the three of them became severely ill after eating a dinner of macaroni with sauce on Monday evening. Originally thought to be a case of food poisoning, the diagnosis was ruled out after Joseph began vomiting tiny, black bugs.

“When we called authorities to enter Ms. Joseph’s home and obtain any remaining food from their dinner, they brought back the entire pot and utensils that were used for cooking, which happened to be wooden spoons,” said Dr. Carl Richards, an attending ER doctor. “As soon as I saw the wooden utensils, I knew what had happened.”

According to Richards, there has been an extreme amount of cases throughout California and Nevada of a new “superbug” that infests homes, and will lodge itself into anything wooden.

“These bugs, they’re like a much smaller termite, almost impossible to see until they are swarming in the millions,” said Dr. Richards. “They’ve become increasingly common in many West Coast homes, and will bore into anything wooden – your house itself, bureaus, TV stands, and yes, even wooden utensils. Unfortunately, they are also quite poisonous to the human body.”

Dr. Richards suggests that anyone who currently uses wooden utensils to throw them out immediately, and replace with stainless steel or plastic.

“You don’t want to end up dead because you like the look of wood spoons,” said Dr. Richards.

There’s Something WAY Worse Than TSP In Your Breakfast Cereals – This Is SCARY!

cereal

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

For the last several months, a viral article about TSP, or trisodium phosphate, being found in breakfast cereals has been causing a panic among parents and cereal addicts alike. TSP is a food preservative that has been listed as “safe” by the FDA, but is a common ingredient in cleaners such as paint thinner, and worries of sickness and disease are running rampant.

Today it was discovered, though, that there is something exponentially worse than TSP, and it is found in nearly every single breakfast cereal on the market today – especially ones aimed at children.

“We have discovered a new chemical that has been being used by many companies, including Kellog’s, General Mills, and more, in their cereals, that has been slipping past the FDA’s careful watch,” said health professional Dr. Jacob Lambert. “The chemical, commonly referred to in the scientific world as Cn(H2O)n, has been linked to hyperactivity, diabetes, some cancers, sleeplessness, stomach ailments, weight gain, high blood pressure, and elevated triglycerides – which can all be very serious.”

Dr. Lambert said that he first brought the use of the chemical to the attention of the FDA in late 2014, but that they had “no concern” over its use.

“They basically laughed me out of the building, and said that all food manufacturers has been using the Cn(H2O)n for decades, maybe longer,” said Dr. Lambert. “I tried to explain that its longtime use didn’t excuse the fact that it was causing major damage to those who were eating it, and that we were reaching epidemic proportions of people who had become ill from eating it. Obviously the FDA’s real concern is being in the back pocket of Big Cereal, and making money – not in the actual health of those eating the food.”

Dr. Lambert has cautioned parents that “nearly every single cereal” on the shelf today contains the Cn(H2O)n, and that it can be listed on the label under a multitude of names.

 

Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

U.S. Government To Officially Recognize 287 Genders As Part of New Anti-Discrimination Laws

gender2

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to current laws, there are only two official “genders” that are legally protected in anti-discrimination laws – male and female. It would be illegal to stop a man from working at Victoria Secret, no matter how weird it would be, for example. It’s a legally protected right. That might be the most basic of the current rulings, but things are about to get a whole lot more complicated.

According to lawmakers, new anti-discrimination laws are currently being written, with the U.S. Government planning to add an additional 285 genders to their list, including “binary,” “non-binary,” “gender fluid,” “gender queer,” and many more. This is in a full attempt to make sure that everyone is included.

“We just want to make sure that everyone, no matter how stupid their personal choice, is equally protected and represented by our laws and government,” said representative John Miller, R – Delaware. “I personally think it’s retarded, but hey, what do I know? I figure whatever is between your legs right now, that’s your gender. But a lot of little pansies are getting offended and triggered by that, so we have to make changes. My 16-year-old daughter now she identifies a genderless, binary, queeratron mecharobot, but with slightly gay tendencies and a hardcore drug problem. Fuck does that even mean? That’s not a gender.”

Whether or not the people in charge of making the laws agree with them, at least they are making progress.

“Yeah, we’re doing our best. My daughter’s stupid unicorn robot fucking…shit, I’ve already forgotten. Whatever, that isn’t being included specifically, but at least we’re making strides, I guess,” said Miller. “God, this is so stupid. She’s a girl, and I’ll beat that notion right into her later.”

Flint, Michigan Begins Having Tap Water Imported From Mexico

mexico

FLINT, Michigan – 

Residents of Flint, Michigan have begun having been having their water imported from other states for quite some time, as the situation of their own water has been disasterous. But now, some residents have begun looking even further away, and are having their water imported from across the border in Tijuana.

“Our water is so bad, that Mexican tap water looks like crystal-clear spring water in comparison,” said Flint resident Mario Jones. “I can get about 50 gallons of Mexican tap water for about $5, which is a lot cheaper than here. Sure, it still gives me the shits, but that’s par for the course now. At least it doesn’t look like sewage.”

Mexico has been grateful for the business, with several companies across the border saying that they thought they would NEVER have use for tap water.

“Our water, it was muy disgustingo,” said Pedro Martinez. “But when I heard about the hydro crisis in Flint, I thought it was a good idea to start up a new company, and get them the water that they need. So I fill up about 200 gallon bottles a week, and I drive them into Arizona, where it can be shipped much cheaper. It’s a great deal for me. My family has lots of extra pesos now.”

REPORT: Over 4,000 People Nationwide Overdosed On Marijuana on 4/20 ‘Holiday’

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Yesterday was April 20th, otherwise known as 4/20 – a favorite “holiday” among weed smokers, as 420 is the police code for marijuana. This year was, according to the Department of Drug Enforcement and Regulation, the last for almost nearly 2,000 people, though.

“Across the United States, we had a reported 1,985 deaths from over-consumption of marijuana yesterday,” said DDER spokesman Carl Lewis. “In total, there are reports of just under 4,000 overdoses. Thankfully, not all of those ODs resulted in death, but in this case, with almost half of them dying, it’s clear why this drug is so heavily regulated.”

Lewis said he has been working with the DDER since 1978, and this year is the “worst [he] has ever seen.”

“Last year, in comparison, we had only 698 OD throughout the country, with 322 of those resulting in death,” said Lewis. “With the legalization of marijuana in several new states at the beginning of 2017, we knew those numbers were going to increase, just not this dramatically.”

Lewis warns that if you’re going to break federal law and partake in marijuana, you should do so in “extremely limited moderation,” as marijuana strains have been “extremely potent” lately in most of the country.

“Your best bet is to not smoke, eat, chew, drink, or even look at marijuana,” said Lewis. “If you do find yourself in possession of the drug, or know someone else who is, please call your local police department and turn it over to them.”

Los Angeles Doctor Offers World’s Most Expensive Colon Cleanse Using Aborted Fetuses, ‘Blood of the Innocent’

doctor

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Doctor Carl Jung, a gastroenterologist working in Los Angeles, California, has said he has developed the world’s most perfect, and most expensive, colon cleanse for his patients who need to “get the pipes working again.”

Dr. Jung has been treating certain patients using the “blood of the innocent,” which he harvests from a doctor friend that performs abortions at a local Planned Parenthood facility.

“My procedure is one-of-a-kind that I developed myself while studying in Uganda in 1983,” said Dr. Jung. “It works better than any other anal douche you could get, and it’s all because of the massive white blood cell count found in aborted fetuses. This is not a magic pill you take to cleanse your body – this is a true, liquid cavity expulsion.”

Dr. Jung says that he has been procuring dead babies for “over 30 years” from a friend, who says wishes to remain anonymous. Several celebrities, including Martha Stewart, Barack Obama, and Paul McCartney have all said to have visited Dr. Jung for the treatment, which costs a whopping $289,000 per session.

“They love it, and they keep coming back,” said Dr. Jung. “As anyone would tell you, there’s no better way to cleanse that ass than with the blood of the innocent.”

Woman In Uganda Confirmed To Be Over 200-Years Old

UGANDA – 

A woman living in a village in Uganda has been confirmed to be over 200-years-old by genealogists, researchers, and archivists who have looked into the woman’s lineage.

The woman, who does not remember her own name, is officially the oldest person to have ever lived. She was born in the same village in Uganda she currently lives, and says she has “never left.”

“I have lived long, I am tired. I have never gone away, this is what I know,” she said. “I am happy to be here. I am not happy to be so old. Wish I was dead. All my family, they are dead. I have had 18 children, 47 grandchildren, and 163 great-grandchildren, and they are all gone now. I’m sad. Kill me, please.”

Researchers say that they have “no idea” how it’s possible that she has lived so long, but have confirmed through genetic testing that she is, indeed, 204-years-old, having been born in 1806.

Finger-Chop Challenge Spreads Across Social Media To Protest Trump

enVolve-trump-finger-chop

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The “Finger-Chop Challenge” has begun to spread across social media, with teens and college students reportedly cutting off their fingers in an effort to raise awareness about the “evils of Donald Trump” as President.

“Trump is a disgusting, sick, orange bigot,” said Maria Lambert, 19, a college sophomore at Dartmouth. “I chopped off all of my  fingers on a livestream on Facebook. I left just the middle finger on one hand, because fuck Trump, that’s why.”

Following in a dangerous trend of challenges like the cinnamon or milk gallon challenges, the new finger-chop challenge opens up an entire new world of issues for parents, as well as the teens stooping to such ignorant levels.

“My son has done the challenge 4 times, and each time, he’s cut off a new finger. He’s down to just the pinky on his left hand,” said Carl Lunger of his son, Mario Lunger, 17. “Frankly, though, I’m proud of him. He’s taking a stand against Trump, and he’s also raised a lot of awareness about Trump. Last I knew, he had over 300 views on his YouTube video.”

Health officials are warning parents, though, of the dangers of their children cutting off their own fingers for internet notoriety.

 

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