Mt. Dew Proves To Be ‘Extremely Good’ For Premature Babies

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Doctors in Atlanta and Marshall Research Hospital have discovered that PepsiCo.’s product, Mt. Dew, is “extremely good” for babies, with 8 out of 10 premature infants in the study reacting positively to heavy doses of the soda, including quicker growth spurts, quicker time removed from respirators, as well as teaching them how to “suck, swallow, and breathe” faster.

“Most premature babies cannot suck, swallow, and breathe at the same time, which is why they spend months in hospitals, learning how to eat and drink without choking,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, who headed the study. “When we switched their normal formula, which is fed through a tube for most preemies, to Mt. Dew, we saw excellent and noticeable improvement within days.”

Of the 1,000 premature babies that were studied, Dr. Brown says that they had a “100% survival rate,” with 85% of the babies going home before their due date, which is unheard of in standard medical practice.

“We are looking at how Mt. Dew has helped these babies, and the reasoning behind it,” said Brown. “We may also start to try other drinks as well, such as RedBull, to see the effects there. We have high hopes.”

Harvard Researchers Say Eating Hot Dogs Can Lead To Impotence

dogs

BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard University released a startling report over the weekend linking hot dogs to bouts of impotence.

The mega-popular snack, commonly consumed during televised sporting events, BBQs, parties, and all night video game binges, are linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in – curiously – cows, as well as men, who consume the processed meat four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of hot dogs set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

 Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped,” Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production.

“Anybody that has ever eaten more than a few hot dogs easily recognizes the slimy taste left behind in their mouths,” said Dr. Blondell. “I have theorized that men frequently consume the most hot dogs, so I set out to prove that it was causing issues for them, too.”

Blondell’s fully study will be published in an upcoming journal, but she does recommend that people stop eating hot dogs if they plan on living full, rich, sexual lives.

Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

cheezit

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

Group Takes ‘Scared Straight’ To Next Level; Cuts Heroin With Dangerous Drug

heroin

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Heroin overdoses are on the rise, but not just because the drug is lethal in itself. A new report claims the heroin that caused more that 600 overdoses across the country in less than two days was cut with something else.

These batches of heroin which were distributed from California To Maine have killed an 75% of those who used the drug. It allegedly contained a new opiod analog 100 times more potent than fentanyl and 10,000 times stronger than morphine.

According to an anonymous spokeperson, who represents the group Friends Against Smack (FAS), the heroin was cut with carfentanil, more commonly known as elephant tranquilizer. The drug is strong enough to kill a 15,000 lb elephanit, rhinocerous, or hippopotamus.

“We have infiltrated numerous cartels responsible for the distribution of heroin. We want addicts to know that the smack they are buying very well could be their last, and advise them to seek treatment before it’s too late. Addicts are already overdosing at an alarming rate. More than half of those that end up in the hospital shoot up within hours of discharge. We want to give them incentive to change. If seeing their drug buddies die doesn’t scare them straight, nothing will, and there’s no sense wasting another dollar or treatment.”

Authorities have not officially confirmed that the overdoses are due to heroin cut with with carfentanil. Other options include fentanyl or rat poison.

New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

implant

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

Herbal Supplements To Be Banned From Markets By 2017

herbals

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A daily supplement or two has become routine for many Americans, but a report is highlighting how these substances can sometimes be harmful. A bill before congress is pushing for anything not falling under the regulation of the Food and Drug Administration to be banned.

The movement to ban herbal supplements is based an extensive report by Consumer Reports, showing how producers of dietary supplements face little regulation from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and why that can be dangerous for those taking supplements. Supplements can have side effects, and retailers and pharmacists may not understand how supplements can interact with a person’s medication, the report said. Additionally, since supplements are regulated as food, the ingredients do not have to be proved safe and effective in the same manner prescription drugs are by the FDA.

Dr. Donna Seger, the director of the Tennessee Poison Center, said that many people do not think about supplements’ potential consequences on their health. “An estimated 23,000 people every year end up in emergency rooms after taking supplements, and there’s no real proof they do any good whatsoever.”

Others say this is just another instance of “big pharma” buying off politicians. Herbalist Tray Reed says,“It’s not supplements that do they harm, it’s these drug companies. They pump you full of a drug that costs hundreds of dollars when some unpatented supplements would do the trick for a fraction of the price. Then you have to take another drug to fix the side effects of the first drug. It’s a scam.”

Overturning Of Texas Abortion Law Brings Rise In Old Fashioned Coat Hanger Abortions

abortion

DALLAS, Texas – 

Old fashioned coat-hanger abortions will be legal in Texas once again, after the Supreme Court delivered its most significant ruling on abortion in a generation Monday, striking down restrictions on Texas clinics and doctors that had created roadblocks for thousands of women and giving abortion rights advocates hope of beating back similar laws in other states.

“We conclude that neither of these provisions offers medical benefits sufficient to justify the burdens upon access that each imposes,” Breyer wrote in his 40-page ruling. “Each places a substantial obstacle in the path of women seeking a pre-viability abortion, each constitutes an undue burden on abortion access … and each violates the federal Constitution.”

Proponents of the stricter laws said they did not intend to prevent abortions in Texas, only make them safer for women. “We wanted abortions to be restricted to surgical grade facilities, but pro-choice activists apparently don’t care if a woman gets an abortion with rusty unsterile tools or a coat hanger for that matter,” says Kyle DeLeon, a supporter of the tougher regulations.

No More Meat Loaf For Meatloaf

meatloaf

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Grammy-winning singer Meat Loaf is “responsive and recovering well” after fainting during a show in Edmonton, Canada, but those close to him say he will be forced to make major changes to his lifestyle. No red meat, no touring, and no sex are among the sacrifices Marvin Lee Aday will be forced to make.

The artist been feeling the strain of touring for years. Meat Loaf’s farewell tour was in 2013 when he said, ‘This time, they’re not going to rope me back in’.” The 68-year-old artist was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat problem known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome after another onstage collapse in London in 2003. This disease is Associated with risk of sudden cardiac death.

One witness, Jamie Carriere, told CBC News Meat Loaf was performing his Grammy-winning song I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) from the 1993 album as an encore when he collapsed.

“He fell … he just fell,” Carriere said. “You could hear the microphone just hit the ground.”

Meatloaf says he is willing to give up red meat. “I’ll do anything for my health, but I won’t give up steak. No I won’t do that.”

Illegal Immigrants Bringing Diseases Like Measles, But That Isn’t The Worst Of It

immigrants

PINAL COUNTY, Arizona – 

At least 11 Measles cases were confirmed this week in Pinal County, Arizona. The outbreak was traced back to an immigrant shelter. Several more cases were reported in Pinal County stemming from the outbreak last week at an immigrant detention center.

In the not too distant past, the U.S. would check immigrants for disease before they were allowed to enter the country. That no longer is the case with our wide-open borders. More outbreaks are expected if the open door policy to immigrants established by this administration continues into the next.

Disgruntled resident Chuck Hurley says he fears for the safely of his family. “Them there immigrants have measles, mumps, cooties, Islamacism, and all sorts of other stuff. Why do you think the women wear veils on their faces? They’re hiding something if you ask me. I personally won’t stand for it in my country.”

While immigrants are given access to vaccines upon arrival, afflictions like Islamacism cannot yet be vaccinated against.

Flour Recall After Teen Dies Of E. Coli

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first person to die from the recent E. coli outbreak did not ingest the the tainted flour intentionally, but accidentally, when a friend threw it on him.

Kurt Haney got some flour in his mouth when a friend threw a bag of Gold Medal flour on him during an “antiquing prank,” popular on the internet with teenagers who film the prank for YouTube. Jack, who was sleeping at the time, got a significant amount of flour in his mouth, and doctors say the fact it was uncooked is likely the reason for his death. His friend’s name is not being released at this time, pending a criminal investigation. Manslaughter charges will likely be filed.

State and federal authorities have been researching 38 occurrences of illnesses across 20 states related to a specific type of E. coli (E. coli O121), between December 21, 2015, and May 3, 2016. General Mills is collaborating with health officials to investigate an ongoing, multi-state outbreak of E. coli O121 that may be potentially linked to Gold Medal flour, Wondra flour, and Signature Kitchens flour. General Mills has recalled nearly 10 million pounds of flour. So far 147 people have been hospitalized.

“Well I, for one, am pissed about it,” says Jack’s mother, Mrs. Tanae Haney. “Do you know what a bitch flour is to get out of the carpet? You can’t simply vacuum it up – oh no. I’m just outraged his friend would think he could throw flour around, as a guest in my house. He certainly won’t be invited to sleep over again.”

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