Cheez-It Crackers Contain Highly Addictive Additive, Many Are Boycotting Product

cheezit

ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Cheese lovers are boycotting the popular snack Cheeze-Its due to concerns about the addictive nature of the crackers, as well as some of the ingredients.

Cheez-It brand crackers contain the preservative TBHQ, which is made from butane and is dangerous to consume. BHQ, tertiary butylhydroquinone, is a synthetic antioxidant that is commonly used as a food preservative. TBHQ contains a butyl moiety which some consumers, with no knowledge of chemisty, fear is related to butane.

TBHQ has been banned in Japan, but the FDA and the European Food Safety Authority both classify TBHQ as a safe food additive.

Cheez-It has released a statement on its facebook page, addressing the many consumer concerns.

“Thanks for reaching out. We appreciate you sharing your concerns. These ingredients are antioxidants which prevent the food from spoiling. If you want to eat bad, stale crackers we suggest you find an ‘all-natural’ brand. We pride ourselves in the flavor and freshness of our product and add the least amount of preservatives necessary to keep our cracker from tasting like straight cheesy shit. We know some consumers are unnecessarily paranoid and are looking at a number of natural alternatives to ensure the same flavor and freshness in our foods. Good luck.”

The company maintains that the reason their crackers are so addictive is because “they’re fucking delicious, and everyone loves cheese.”

Group Takes ‘Scared Straight’ To Next Level; Cuts Heroin With Dangerous Drug

heroin

PHOENIX, Arizona – 

Heroin overdoses are on the rise, but not just because the drug is lethal in itself. A new report claims the heroin that caused more that 600 overdoses across the country in less than two days was cut with something else.

These batches of heroin which were distributed from California To Maine have killed an 75% of those who used the drug. It allegedly contained a new opiod analog 100 times more potent than fentanyl and 10,000 times stronger than morphine.

According to an anonymous spokeperson, who represents the group Friends Against Smack (FAS), the heroin was cut with carfentanil, more commonly known as elephant tranquilizer. The drug is strong enough to kill a 15,000 lb elephanit, rhinocerous, or hippopotamus.

“We have infiltrated numerous cartels responsible for the distribution of heroin. We want addicts to know that the smack they are buying very well could be their last, and advise them to seek treatment before it’s too late. Addicts are already overdosing at an alarming rate. More than half of those that end up in the hospital shoot up within hours of discharge. We want to give them incentive to change. If seeing their drug buddies die doesn’t scare them straight, nothing will, and there’s no sense wasting another dollar or treatment.”

Authorities have not officially confirmed that the overdoses are due to heroin cut with with carfentanil. Other options include fentanyl or rat poison.

New Implant Can Alert You Via Text Message When Your Spouse Is Cheating

implant

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A new microchip developed by NASA researchers will soon be released to market, which will allow people to keep tabs on their spouse, and receive text messages when they are cheating.

“The technology works on perspiration and saliva,” said creator Martin Deen, of NASA. “When the chip is implanted, secretly, by the spouse of a cheater, the implant will automatically pair with the person’s body, recognizing their DNA. When the chip notices that another person’s sweat, saliva, semen, blood, or other bodily fluid is recognized, then it automatically sends a text message to a programmed number as proof that the carrier is, indeed, cheating.”

So far, researchers have sold about 200 units to women and men who expect that their partner is cheating, and the results have been wonderful.

“The offending spouse never even knew how they got caught, but in the end, it always catches them red handed,” said Deen.

Deen says that the chip will work best if implanted into somewhere such as the penis or vagina, for maximum effect.

Herbal Supplements To Be Banned From Markets By 2017

herbals

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

A daily supplement or two has become routine for many Americans, but a report is highlighting how these substances can sometimes be harmful. A bill before congress is pushing for anything not falling under the regulation of the Food and Drug Administration to be banned.

The movement to ban herbal supplements is based an extensive report by Consumer Reports, showing how producers of dietary supplements face little regulation from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration and why that can be dangerous for those taking supplements. Supplements can have side effects, and retailers and pharmacists may not understand how supplements can interact with a person’s medication, the report said. Additionally, since supplements are regulated as food, the ingredients do not have to be proved safe and effective in the same manner prescription drugs are by the FDA.

Dr. Donna Seger, the director of the Tennessee Poison Center, said that many people do not think about supplements’ potential consequences on their health. “An estimated 23,000 people every year end up in emergency rooms after taking supplements, and there’s no real proof they do any good whatsoever.”

Others say this is just another instance of “big pharma” buying off politicians. Herbalist Tray Reed says,“It’s not supplements that do they harm, it’s these drug companies. They pump you full of a drug that costs hundreds of dollars when some unpatented supplements would do the trick for a fraction of the price. Then you have to take another drug to fix the side effects of the first drug. It’s a scam.”

Overturning Of Texas Abortion Law Brings Rise In Old Fashioned Coat Hanger Abortions

abortion

DALLAS, Texas – 

Old fashioned coat-hanger abortions will be legal in Texas once again, after the Supreme Court delivered its most significant ruling on abortion in a generation Monday, striking down restrictions on Texas clinics and doctors that had created roadblocks for thousands of women and giving abortion rights advocates hope of beating back similar laws in other states.

“We conclude that neither of these provisions offers medical benefits sufficient to justify the burdens upon access that each imposes,” Breyer wrote in his 40-page ruling. “Each places a substantial obstacle in the path of women seeking a pre-viability abortion, each constitutes an undue burden on abortion access … and each violates the federal Constitution.”

Proponents of the stricter laws said they did not intend to prevent abortions in Texas, only make them safer for women. “We wanted abortions to be restricted to surgical grade facilities, but pro-choice activists apparently don’t care if a woman gets an abortion with rusty unsterile tools or a coat hanger for that matter,” says Kyle DeLeon, a supporter of the tougher regulations.

No More Meat Loaf For Meatloaf

meatloaf

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – 

Grammy-winning singer Meat Loaf is “responsive and recovering well” after fainting during a show in Edmonton, Canada, but those close to him say he will be forced to make major changes to his lifestyle. No red meat, no touring, and no sex are among the sacrifices Marvin Lee Aday will be forced to make.

The artist been feeling the strain of touring for years. Meat Loaf’s farewell tour was in 2013 when he said, ‘This time, they’re not going to rope me back in’.” The 68-year-old artist was diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat problem known as Wolff-Parkinson-White syndrome after another onstage collapse in London in 2003. This disease is Associated with risk of sudden cardiac death.

One witness, Jamie Carriere, told CBC News Meat Loaf was performing his Grammy-winning song I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won’t Do That) from the 1993 album as an encore when he collapsed.

“He fell … he just fell,” Carriere said. “You could hear the microphone just hit the ground.”

Meatloaf says he is willing to give up red meat. “I’ll do anything for my health, but I won’t give up steak. No I won’t do that.”

Illegal Immigrants Bringing Diseases Like Measles, But That Isn’t The Worst Of It

immigrants

PINAL COUNTY, Arizona – 

At least 11 Measles cases were confirmed this week in Pinal County, Arizona. The outbreak was traced back to an immigrant shelter. Several more cases were reported in Pinal County stemming from the outbreak last week at an immigrant detention center.

In the not too distant past, the U.S. would check immigrants for disease before they were allowed to enter the country. That no longer is the case with our wide-open borders. More outbreaks are expected if the open door policy to immigrants established by this administration continues into the next.

Disgruntled resident Chuck Hurley says he fears for the safely of his family. “Them there immigrants have measles, mumps, cooties, Islamacism, and all sorts of other stuff. Why do you think the women wear veils on their faces? They’re hiding something if you ask me. I personally won’t stand for it in my country.”

While immigrants are given access to vaccines upon arrival, afflictions like Islamacism cannot yet be vaccinated against.

Flour Recall After Teen Dies Of E. Coli

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

The first person to die from the recent E. coli outbreak did not ingest the the tainted flour intentionally, but accidentally, when a friend threw it on him.

Kurt Haney got some flour in his mouth when a friend threw a bag of Gold Medal flour on him during an “antiquing prank,” popular on the internet with teenagers who film the prank for YouTube. Jack, who was sleeping at the time, got a significant amount of flour in his mouth, and doctors say the fact it was uncooked is likely the reason for his death. His friend’s name is not being released at this time, pending a criminal investigation. Manslaughter charges will likely be filed.

State and federal authorities have been researching 38 occurrences of illnesses across 20 states related to a specific type of E. coli (E. coli O121), between December 21, 2015, and May 3, 2016. General Mills is collaborating with health officials to investigate an ongoing, multi-state outbreak of E. coli O121 that may be potentially linked to Gold Medal flour, Wondra flour, and Signature Kitchens flour. General Mills has recalled nearly 10 million pounds of flour. So far 147 people have been hospitalized.

“Well I, for one, am pissed about it,” says Jack’s mother, Mrs. Tanae Haney. “Do you know what a bitch flour is to get out of the carpet? You can’t simply vacuum it up – oh no. I’m just outraged his friend would think he could throw flour around, as a guest in my house. He certainly won’t be invited to sleep over again.”

Zika Virus Reportedly Fake, Harmless; Frenzy Created By Obama Administration To Secure Funding

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The CDC, in conjunction with President Obama, have reportedly been caught in a scam, after admitting that humans are immune to the Zika Virus, which is carried by mosquitos. A whistleblowing aide from within the White House released documents proving that the CDC worked along with top White House staff to fool the public into thinking that Zika was dangerous and deadly.

“As it turns out, the virus is completely harmless to humans, and this was a tactic used to solicit government funds from other areas, that could then be used for personal and political gains,” read the documents. “Although it is possible that Obama himself may not have known about the scam, it is highly unlikely, and even more likely that he himself concocted the scheme along with his personal friend, Gary Lewis, head of the CDC.”

So far, no one from the White House is commenting on the issue, but calls from the public have been flooding the CDC offices, demanding information. The CDC has not issued a statement.

Simon Cowell Reveals He Has Lung Cancer; Plans To Bring Back ‘American Idol’

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Simon Cowell, the 56-year-old television mogul was recently diagnosed with stage one squamous cell carcinoma, a form of lung cancer that makes up a quarter of the cases.

Although Cowell is most recognized as a judge on American Idol and Britain’s Got Talent he is also a entrepreneur, philanthropist, film, record, and television producer. Due to the diagnosis it is expected he will fulfill his obligations but have to turn down new commitments.

Recently Cowell rejoined American Idol after a break. “As much as I like being on a music show, it does get a bit tedious when it’s just singer after singer after singer, but I will be continuing even through chemotherapy and radiation,” Cowell told New York Times in a recent interview. “I’m lucky they caught it at this stage. Perhaps I will be a little more blunt, if you can imagine it, but this will not affect my ability to judge the show.”

Often times lung cancers are not caught until it is too late, as tumors have ample opportunity to grow in the lungs before becoming apparent, and initial symptoms are usually minor and ignored or attributed to something else. Cowell says the return to the show may have saved his life. “I had a bit of a cough that wouldn’t go away. The crew insisted I get a full work up. That’s when they found the mass.”

Cowell’s girlfriend Lauren Silverman and son Eric are encouraging Cowell to quit smoking cigarettes, a challenge that is proving tough for Cowell.

“It’s well known I have a bit of a temper, but who wouldn’t dealing with the idiots I have to? Cigarettes are the only bloody thing that calms me down.” As a judge, Cowell often makes blunt and controversial comments, including insults and wisecracks about contestants and their abilities. Scorned past contestants are cheering for the cancerous growth, calling it karma.

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