A Simple Solution To End Ludicrous Violence

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It comes as no surprise to anyone that our world is terribly rife with violent crime. Homicides, genocides, mass murders, and the whole bunch that continually darkens the people. For years now, the government and eager individuals have attempted to conjure countless possible solutions to gun control, or possessing less violence as a whole. Even when these attempts have been made, the issue proceeds to breathe. Very unfortunate, indeed. Lives are at stake, the 2nd Amendment is meeting controversy, and criminals are taking charge with the power of weaponry and the taste for greed, blood, and candy. Yet, I have come with a helpful solution that could solve it all.

Here is my consideration: instead of manufacturing weapons with bullets, the alternative load outs should be designed with none other than liquid. Liquid, such as water, will bring little to absolutely no lives taken. Instead of spurring out blood from the victim, laughter will be evoked. Imagine all of the SMGs, assault rifles, handguns, and whatever teenagers dream of having due to their addictions of Call of Duty and Jason Statham be turned into realistic weaponry with the inside being concealed with water, or some other liquid that can be deliciously consumed.

An anonymous group of politics have taken the idea into their hands and intend on bringing forth the idea to Congress for truthful consideration. The main issue would be the police and military forces; how would they protect us? Same deal: provide them the same liquid weaponry.

No more school shootings, no more war, no more gang fights, blood should be permanently replaced with laughter, or confusion because no one would assume that they would be shot with water guns.

I can see this as a comical notion, yet I believe that it is effective at best. Clowns, pranksters, and unnecessary YouTube stars would go either become famous or instantly go out of business. At this point, who would truly give care either way? We are trying to save lives here, people! Plus, comic weaponry (BANG! with the flag, bubbles, fireworks) would still be in existence. Let them keep that for their God blessed careers.

Finally, and wholly truthful, to whom it may concern, I am very positive about this solution. Laughter is the best medicine (aside from morphine)! Our humble children shouldn’t be witnessing spilled blood on the evening news, they should be seeing people laugh from the usage of water weaponry that are secretly intended for malice behavior. The kids do not need to know that. Let’s fix this world together!

 

Go Ask Allison: My Grandma Bought Me Fake Diamonds – What A B****!

Dear Allison,
It was my 21st birthday a couple days ago. The ONLY thing I asked my Nana for was a pair of diamond earrings. I don’t know how I should feel because I found out they are cubic zirconium.  My stepmother pointed it out yesterday, and thinking about it, I cried on the way to work.  I don’t know if I should say something. I don’t want to sound like a spoiled brat, but it was the only thing I asked for. Should I mention it? I really want to say something.

-Faked Out

Dear Faked,
Aww, poor you. Too late, you already sound like a spoiled brat. 21? Nana is wise enough to know you’ll lose an earring during one of your many drunk night – most likely while you’re going down on a stranger with an STD who picked you up while you were blacked out at the bar. What are you, a rich bitch?  It’s time to grow up and realize Nana’s bank account doesn’t revolve around you. Whatever your job is, it isn’t hard enough.  You should try mining your own diamond for a bowl of gruel a day.
But then again, I’m not really the person to ask since my own mother would’ve slapped me if I had the balls to ask for diamonds.  Maybe you should buy yourself a bunch of booze and get the courage to call your Nana. I’m sure if you whine enough she’ll get you a much better present next year.

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Dear Allison,

I am torn between my 16 year-old daughter, “Uniquea” and my bae, “Tyrone”.  My fiancé got me a stuffed monkey for my birthday a couple weeks ago.  Wellllllll…afterwards we got in a fight, and he wanted it back. I told him no, cuz he gave that to me.  Anyway, he comes over to get it, and we got in another altercation over it.  After we had it out, he apologized and started kissin’ up on me. My daughter screamed, she sick of him hustlin’ me and after kissin’ on me like it was a’ight. Then she took his Ray-Bans and ran in the other room. I screamed at her to give ‘em back, but she twisted them ‘till they was broke beyond repair. Tyrone insists Uniquea needa pay for them out of her hair/nail allowance, but I say Tyrone shouldn’t of been over here provokin’ in the first place. Should I side with my man or my daughter?

-Hassled at Home

Dear Hassled,
Your fiancé sounds like quite the catch.  I bet the moment you don’t put out, he demands you give him all those cheesy “I Luv You” Valentine’s teddy bears that line your headboard. Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter what you do. You’re screwed.  You’re daughter’s screwed.  It doesn’t matter if Tyrone is in your life because you’re all cursed to live an ignorant, drama-filled existence, regardless.  Continue modeling that kind of behavior and just pray Uniquea’s first baby isn’t doesn’t end up with as God-awful a name as she did and that her baby-daddy actually pays child support.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published weekly exclusively by Empire News.

Go Ask Allison: I Think I Made A Mistake – Is He Really “The One?!”

DEAR ALLISON,

How do I know if the man I married is really “the one?” My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He does everything for me. He works three jobs so I can stay home and build my small business. He cooks, and cleans. He’s fantastic in bed. We are doing really well…but there is something that’s just missing. What if I made a mistake?

– CONCERNED in CALIFORNIA

Dear Concerned,

The man sounds like a saint. To be honest, I don’t think he probably is the one for you. If anything, he sounds like the one for me. After the string of losers I’ve been with, I could use a man who knows how to cook, how to clean, and how to do me right. Tell you what, Concerned – you let him go. If he comes back, then he’s “the one.” If you find him in my bed, then it looks like he was the one, but you’re too stupid to have known it. You’re living every woman’s dream, and you’re thinking it might have been a mistake? You must be a lesbian.


DEAR ALLISON,

For my 18th birthday my boyfriend got me a tattoo, but I didn’t tell my parents. I still live at home, and my Dad will FREAK OUT if he knows that I got “Chris Forever” tattooed on my thigh. How do I tell my parents that I got inked?

– TATTED in TALLAHASSE

Dear Tatted,

First off, the fact that you’re barely 18 and you got your boyfriend’s name tattooed on you already screams how dumb you are. There are people who have been married decades who don’t do stupid things like that. My suggestion would be to tell your parents as soon as possible, and hope they forgive you enough to help pay to have it lasered off. The only name you should put on your body is your child’s. Hell, you shouldn’t even put that. Get a damn flower or a heart like every other teenage idiot out there, and call it a day. Since I got this letter 2 weeks ago, I’d assume that Chris has already left you for some other bimbo. Now you get to spend the rest of your life dating only men named Chris, or else they’re going to go limp as soon as you take your pants off.


DEAR ALLISON,

My mother is a die-hard Christian, and on more than one occasion has made it quite known to me, my family, and everyone else who will listen that she hates gay people, and thinks they are an abomination. I’m 23 now, and I’m afraid to come out of the closet for fear I will lose my mother’s love. What do I do?

-IN THE CLOSET in INDIANAPOLIS

Dear Closet,

Man up, my gay friend. If your mother is such a bigot that she would disown her child because of their sexual orientation, than you don’t need her! Find a new mom. Find a mate, and have their mom be your new mom! There are plenty of people out there who will accept you for who you are. It will probably be hard at first to tell your mother, but if she can’t handle it, then how is she going to handle when you find a mate? Get married? Adopt children? In my opinion, your mother needs to grow the hell up and deal. It’s 2014 for crying out loud. How much longer are we going to have to deal with these conservative bigots? Listen, you tell your mom that she’s going to have to accept you, or you smack that bitch in the face. No two ways about it. Good luck!

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

Go Ask Allison: My Mother-in-Law Tried To Sleep With My Father At My Wedding

DEAR ALLISON,

Sometimes I think my step-mother really holds me back from having any fun. If I ask her if it’s okay to go to movies with friends, she won’t let me unless I do something for her, like the dishes or mow the lawn or any number of other household chores. I am the only one that she makes do this – my two step-brothers and my step-sister get to go out and do whatever they want. Why does she make me do things but they never have to?

-CRYING in COLORADO

Dear Crying,

You don’t have to be such a crybaby, you know. Just do the damn dishes, and then you can go hang out with friends or go to the movies. Your step-mother is letting her kids do things without “paying her” for them because they are the fruit of her loins. Since you were ejected from some other woman’s lovehole, she’s more than likely making you pay for it. No step-mother has ever liked her step-children. Haven’t you ever seen Cinderella? Your best bet is to hurry up and turn 18, so you can tell her exactly where to go, and exactly how to get there.

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate it when people spoil the endings of my favorite TV shows or movies I haven’t seen on social media. Simple question, but how do I get people to stop talking about things before I see them?!

-UGH in UTAH

Dear Ugh,

First, let me congratulate you on coming up with the worst damn pseudonym that I’ve ever seen. “Ugh?” Oh God, you must be 12. Anyway, this might come as a surprise to you, but you could, you know, get the hell off the internet once in a while. You could also stop worrying about TV and movies getting spoiled for you, because they’re just entertainment, and if knowing who died on last night’s episode of Game of Thrones before you’ve had a chance to watch it is ruining your life, I think you’re going to have much, much bigger problems in life the older you get. Good luck in life, Ugh. You’re definitely going to need it.

DEAR ALLISON,

I got married last week, and my mother-in-law got completely hammered drunk at the wedding. Long story short, she ended up hitting on my still-very-married father. It made my mother extremely upset, and now my husband’s family and my family will have nothing to do with each other. What can I do to reconcile this whole ordeal?
-TOASTED in TULSA

Dear Toasted,

Who cares if your families can’t get along? Do they really have to have anything to do with each other? My husband hasn’t spoken to my side of the family since the wedding four years ago, and he’s never been happier. In case you didn’t know this, in-laws have never gotten along with their son or daughter’s significant other. Or you could play it the complete opposite way and try and get your parents divorced so you can hook up your father and mother-in-law. It could be one big, happy family. It’s really your call. Either way, people do stupid things when drunk. If your mother doesn’t know that, she must be a complete and total stick in the ass…or mud. Whatever floats your boat.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

Is A “Running Man” TV Show In Our Future?

Empire-News-Is-A-Running-Man-TV-Show-In-Our-Future-Op-EdThe World Cup is underway in one of the most notorious countries in the world for sports based murders, Brazil.  The opening ceremonies were beautiful until they were scarred by riots and tear gas.  People are upset about how much Brazil is paying out to put on the World Cup, and they showed their anger with riots and car tipping.  With that minor hiccup over, the World Cup was well underway.  The first game went off without a hitch and everything was beautiful – and then came the second game.  Tensions were high with the buzzers and spinning-horn things sounding in unison.  Like a firework, the game was off with a bang.

The sportsmanship didn’t last long, however.  Call after call, the referees kept making shaky calls about sides and unsportsmanlike conduct.  The last straw soon came.  The whistle blew, the red card flew, and the stands emptied.  With a quickness the crowds rushed the field only to be met by SWAT teams with batons and shields.  The shields and batons were of little use against the 100,000+ people storming towards them like a giant tidal wave.  Swiftly the crowd swept up the referee.  Just as quickly as they grabbed him, they started cutting. Just as quickly as they started cutting, it was over.  Pieces of referee were flying through the crowd.

In that brief few minutes of horror, no single televised event, scripted or otherwise has ever achieved a ratings spike like that.  The media quickly grabbed that clip and went running mad with it.  Their ratings soon spiked as well.  Sports networks did the same, and again the same happened.  This is when Dough Herzog, President of Viacom Media Networks had an Epiphany.

“I figured with all the hype these clips are getting, and all the hype MMA, WWE, and all the war footage gets, this was the next logical step.”  Herzog said.  “If we can show these atrocities on television, why couldn’t we show it with willing participants?”  He then threw his idea into the water to see if it would get any nibbles.  “SpikeTV, MTV, and FX all wanted a piece of this pie. We decided to settle on SpikeTV – a real man’s-man kind of network. That’s who this new show is going to appeal to the most.”

The show Herzog was talking about was a “Running Man” like game show, where contestants (death row inmates, or inmates that have committed serious crimes) have to work together to solve a series of puzzles, all while being stalked by “The Hunters.”

“The Hunters were my idea.” Herzog gloatingly stated.  “I love the idea of an ominous enemy that is looming around every corner.”  Herzog himself formed a committee to find these “Hunters”.  He acquired a mercenary group from deep in the heart of South Africa who used to hunt poachers, and kill smugglers of diamonds.  “These people are ruthless.  You show them the beheading footage and they just eat breakfast and make jokes about other things.  Totally jaded.”

Unfortunately for the inmates involved, if they win they do not get a full pardon, as portrayed in the Running Man and other similar film rip-offs.  They do however get to live the rest of their days out in lavish luxury in a Camp Cupcake style penitentiary, still maximum security.  “Still, that lifestyle change is worth almost dying, and potentially killing for, after living in the squalor that is the American Prison System.” Herzog said.  “Everyone we have surveyed except a select few believe that this entertainment would be amazing, and totally worth DVR-ing.”

The as-yet-untitled show will air on SpikeTV sometime next year, assuming that Viacom can work out legal details with the prison system and inmates. So far, there does not seem to be any pushback from Merl Johnson, the Chairman of the Federal Board of Prisons, who would be working with Viacom and producers to choose inmates for the show.

It seems that we are on the dawn of a new day, and the new day will be televised murder – with prizes!

Go Ask Allison: I Think My Boyfriend’s Cheating. Please Help!

DEAR ALLISON,

My boyfriend of 4 years and I have been seeing each other less and less lately, as I recently started a new job. When I come home to him at night, he seems withdrawn and doesn’t enjoy having…well, we’re not as intimate as we used to be. He’s not working and I pay all the bills, so I don’t think he’s stressed out or anything. I don’t want to be that bitchy girlfriend who goes through his Facebook or his phone to see if he’s been talking to other girls, but I think he might be cheating. Should I confront him, or go about finding out another way?

– SUSPICIOUS in SACRAMENTO

Dear Suspicious,

Of course he’s cheating on you. The only thing a man wants more than a good steak is a good ol’ fashioned. If you are coming home from a long day at work, and he’s been lounging around all day and it’s him that doesn’t want you, there really is no other explanation. I’d suggest that you “be that bitchy girlfriend” and go through his phone or Facebook. You don’t want to confront him, because what’s the point? Is he just going to say “oh, you’re right, dear, I’m cheating.”? No, he’s going to deny it. Your best course of action is to wait until he’s asleep and smell his penis. It sounds crude, but everyone knows men rarely wash themselves period, and the odds of him showering after having his mistress over is zero. Definitely sniff that shaft, and you’ll have all the evidence you need.

 

DEAR ALLISON,

My girlfriend of two years is lazy and doesn’t wanna do anything for me. In my circle, the other girlfriends will make food for the game, and then go off and do their own thing, but they always come out to see if we need more beer or snacks, you know? My girlfriend doesn’t do those things, and it’s embarassing. My bros, they give me crap about how lazy she is.  When we watch the game at my house, she doesn’t wanna cook, and then she sits around, trying to talk through the game. Like we’re interested in listening to her long, boring stories about shoes? The other day I was checking out my buddy’s girlfriend’s ass as she bent over to pick up our beer cans, and I thought – “that’s what I deserve.”  I’m wondering if I should break up with her because this isn’t working, and it’s not like I don’t have other options.

– FED-UP in FREEPORT

Dear FED-UP,

Start packing her bags right now – I can’t believe you’ve dealt with her for two years! By this point she should definitely know her place. If she isn’t going to make you a sandwich and sit quietly during the game, or let you go out with your bros without nagging, then she isn’t the one. Look at your buddies; sounds like they’ve got their women trained perfectly! There are plenty of girls out there who have learned their lessons, so just choose one of the dumb sluts you’re probably already flirting with, and plug her hard. After you’ve gotten your ex out of the way, make sure you tell the new girl how much you love the cheese dip your buddy’s girlfriend always brings over, and set the expectation that that’s what you expect out of your woman. Out of desperation to please you, she’ll learn to jump right up at the sound of a crushed beer can, or you can tell her where to go, too.

 

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate my mother. She has the mentality of an extremely spoiled teenager in the body of an overweight, pushy fifty year-old troll. She is in complete denial about all the abuse she put me through when I was growing up. She says that everything bad in her life is my fault, and she’s posted nasty stuff to my Facebook wall, like telling me that she wishes I was never born. It’s got so bad that I had to block her. She still continues to spread rumors to my friends and family, saying that I pawned her jewelry for drugs or that I’ve prostituted myself for spare change. These lies hurt, because my family and friends are now ostracizing me. I’ve never even had sex, and she knows it! Every time we talk, it’s a blow out. Should I try to reconcile with her, or should I just move on with my life?

-MISERABLE in MALIBU

DEAR MISERABLE,

Judging by your letter, I’d say you and your mother have more in common than you think! You must be extremely spoiled yourself. Here you are calling your mother nasty things in a massive public setting, just like you say she’s done to you! Way more people will see your letter here, calling your mother a fat troll, than the minimal amount of friends and family members who she no doubt has on her Facebook page. How do you think she’s going to feel when she sees your letter here? Yeah, probably the same way you felt when she called you a little whore. Your family probably doesn’t want to talk to you anymore because you’re the worst kind of bitch – the kind who blames everyone else around her for her own shortcomings. Plus, they probably know you’ll steal their valuables for drug money next! Go to counseling with your mother. You both sound like a couple of nut jobs.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.com. Go Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

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