BREAKING: Donald Trump Secretly Hired Illegal Immigrants To Start Building Border Wall

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Top secret documents leaked to the press by a White House staffer showed that President Trump ordered the hiring of over 2,000 illegal immigrants to begin working on his border wall between Texas and Mexico. The documents, released to the press only hours ago, also stated that he was prepared to offer each worker upwards of $40 an hour.

“This is a goddamn outrage,” said construction worker Chris Thomas. “I have been bidding for the border wall job for nearly a year, and it’s the goddamn illegals that get the job? Isn’t the whole point of the wall to keep these sand people out of the fucking country?”

Trump released a statement on Twitter, stating that “all suspicion of illegals being used for labor at the border are false.” He went on to say that “Fake News” had struck again.

“I would never hire undocumented workers,” tweeted Trump. “The Fake News Media has struck again, and you’re all buying it. We don’t have any staffers in the WH that would leak that news, even if it were true.”

Barack Obama Announces Plans To Get Elected As Italian Prime Minister

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FLORENCE, Italy – 

Former President Barack Obama has announced his bid to become Italy’s newest Prime Minister. After discovering that Italian law did not dictate that the leader of the country must be a citizen, Obama stated that he had plans that would “directly lead to his election” as Italy’s Prime Minister.

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“Italy has had 17 Prime Ministers in almost as many years, and it’s pathetic,”  said Obama in a statement to the Italian people via ITV News. “In 8 years, I turned America from a depressed, Bush-era country into the thriving, amazing place it is today. If the Italian people go to the polls and write me in, I can do for your country what I did for mine.”

While there are several candidates currently running for the position, the Italian people are extremely divided on the ballots, and it’s likely that no leader will be chosen in the election. At that point, the existing sitting government can choose any person that the like, even if that person is not a citizen, and/or not a current member of government.

“I’d like to also tell the sitting government that I will work just as hard for the Italians as I did for the Americans,” said Obama. “There is no doubt in my mind that my leadership abilities will outshine anyone else you have running currently.”

Trump Begins Waging Battle Against The ‘War on New Year’s Eve’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Now that President Trump has successfully won the War on Christmas, he is setting his sights on another age-old advisory: The War on New Year’s Eve.

“It’s despicable that there are so many people wishing each other a ‘Happy New Year,’ when they have no idea if I believe that next year is going to be better than this one,” said President Trump. “Liberals like to push their agenda, they want you to have a happy 2018. Well that’s not right, that’s not going to work for everyone. 2017 was a big year. The biggest year. I’m not saying 2018 can’t be a big year, but we can’t just go out assuming it’s going to be great, it’s going to be happy.

Trump said that he has begun wishing people a “decent New Year” or an “Okay New Year,” and on at least one occasion, a “shitty New year.”

“I have no reason to wish that specific person a Happy New Year, and I don’t particularly want them to have a Happy 2018,” said Trump, not mentioning the person by name. “Frankly, though, this entire happy nonsense has got to stop. I’m officially declaring it dead, and killing this war on New Year’s. 

President Trump Takes Away Citizenship of ‘Anchor Babies’ – Children Born In the U.S. To Illegal Immigrants

Donald Trump to Give All His Money to Cancer Research

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Donald Trump doesn’t believe babies born in the United States to undocumented immigrant parents are American citizens.

“I don’t think they have American citizenship and if you speak to some very, very good lawyers — and I know some will disagree, but many of them agree with me — and you’re going to find they do not have American citizenship,” Trump said Tuesday in an interview with Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly. “We have to start a process where we take back our country. Our country is going to hell.”

Trump claims that those born on U.S. soil to illegal immigrants don’t have full citizens’ rights. “What happens is they’re in Mexico, they’re going to have a baby, they move over here for a couple of days, they have the baby,” he told O’Reilly. Trump asserted, “Many lawyers are saying that’s not the way it is in terms of this,” and went on to say, “They are saying it is not going to hold up in court. It will have to be tested but they say it will not hold up in court.”

The GOP presidential hopeful does not, however, support amending the Constitution to repeal birthright citizenship, saying it would be a “long process.”

“I think it would take too long,” he told Fox News. “I’d much rather find out whether or not anchor babies are citizens because a lot of people don’t think they are. We’re going to test it out.”

Trump will begin the process to locate and deport illegal “Anchor Babies” as early as next week. Any immigrant who has illegally overstayed a visa or entered the country illegally, along with any children of illegal immigrants, no matter what age or how long they have resided in the United States, will be deported beginning as early as mid-February.

Donald Trump Makes MASSIVE Donation of Play-Doh To Texas Flood Victims; ‘They Need Things To Do and To Have Fun’

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DALLAS-FORT WORTH, Texas – 

President Trump visited some of the cities that have been almost completely washed away by Hurricane Harvey, bringing not only a positive message, but a MASSIVE donation of Play-Doh.

“These kids, and these people, everyone, all of them were affected by their homes being washed out from under them, WOOSH!” said President Trump. “They don’t have anything anymore. They don’t have a house or a toilet. These kids, they have no toys. They need toys, and they need to still be children, and not let themselves get too down because their house is gone now. So I have brought with me nearly 400 pallets of Play-Doh, and I want everyone to take a case for free.”

President Trump seemed to be extremely excited by the opportunity to give the Play-Doh, but most residents were not amused.

“It would be great if we had a place to go, maybe some goddamn food,” said one resident. “I mean, I guess I will just eat this fucking Play-Doh, though. Maybe I’ll build myself a new house out of it while I’m at it. Shit, this is the best day of my life.”

Maine Launches Heroin Vending Machines To Make Sure Addicts Have Clean Needles, Good Drugs

AUGUSTA, Maine – 

Maine, one of the states with the highest amount of overdoses on heroin and other opioid drugs, has recently launched a new program to help addicts make sure that they’re getting clean, sterile equipment before shooting up.

“We want to make sure that these druggies are OD’ing clean, without also increasing the risk of AIDS or other diseases common among IV drug users,” said Maine Governor Paul LePage. “Originally, the vending machines were designed to offer only the needles, but in further discussion, we decided the best bet was to offer the entire package – a needle, heroin, a giant rubber tube – everything a good little addict will  need.”

The purpose of these vending machines, LePage says, is to make sure that people who need their fix can get it safely and securely, and that the state can better regulate the drug trade.

“We already legalized marijuana, and by next year it will go live in retail stores, and we’ll make fortune,” said LePage. “I am against marijuana, but I’m definitely not against money. This heroin trade is a booming business in our state, so it’s time we got involved.”

The machines will be placed in “high-ghetto” areas around Maine, including the state capitol, Augusta, as well as bigger cities like Bangor and Portland. They also plan to expand to smaller cities and towns over the next two years, as LePage commented that the heroin trade is big there, too.”

“There’s not a hell of a lot to do in a town like Waterville, for example, except to shoot up, so we’ll eventually focus on making sure those towns are also taken care of.”

LePage estimates that the machines will bring in hundreds of thousands of dollars in revenue in the 2018 fiscal year.

Obama Plans To Run For President Again in 2020 After Lawyers Dig Up Legal Loophole

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Barack Obama has announced that he will be seeking to the White House once more in 2020, after a massive team of lawyers hired by Obama have dug up a legal loophole that will allow him to serve more than 2 terms.

“It was a lot of work, and I’ve had this team of over 40 lawyers working on this for 3 years,” said Obama. “I knew that they would eventually be able to find a way to get me back in, and we have found one. I am now eligible to run for a third term, possibly more if I am re-elected, and I can save this country from what is a whirlwind downfall with Trump in office.”

Obama did not elaborate on how he was able to run for a third term, except to say that it was a “complicated matter” that has been confirmed by “the best lawyers in the world.”

President Trump has not commented publicly on Obama’s plans, but the commander-in-chief did say that he will beat “anyone” who runs against him in 2020, no matter who it is.

Muslims Send Letter of Thanks To Trump For Banning Them From Entering U.S.

SYRIA – 

A group of Muslims has sent a nice letter and package to the office of Donald Trump at the White House, after he banned their entire country from entering the United States.

The group says that they are “overjoyed” that they will not be allowed to enter the country, as they say Donald Trump has turned the place into a “full blown shit show.”

“There was a time where all I ever wanted was to visit the United States. I saved for years to be able to visit, and then Donald Trump took over,” said Farook Mashud. “He has taken the country and basically turned it around, bent it over, and fucked it like a goat in heat. There is no reason to visit anymore, and now I am happy to be banned.”

Many Muslims around the globe shared Mashud’s sentiment, saying that they will just “wait four years” before they try to come again.

“Even if the ban is lifted, I see no reason to go to the United States anymore,” said Khalmid Bariel. “I really wanted to visit with Obama was running things, but with that white devil turning the country into a giant pile of feces, I do not want to take a chance of being beaten or murdered while visiting. I will stay in Syria.”

Government Puts Price On Freedom, Plans To Sell ‘Freedom Shares’ To Citizens

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Freedom is not free. In fact, it is quite expensive, and some are proposing the sale of “freedom shares” to help pay for it. It costs nearly $700 billion a year to keep America in the freedom to which it is accustomed. That is $5,600 paid in for every household in America to pay for military expenses, and obviously this does not began to cover all the other expenses of running the federal government.

The freedom shares program would allow the average citizen to donate extra money towards keeping America free, and in return they would be allowed additional freedoms. These special privileges would include getting out of speeding tickets and even free passes to cheat on one’s spouse. If one bought enough freedom shares they may even be able to commit one free homicide.

The program has been criticized as unfair, as the rich would be proportionately more free. Supporter, John Seebode says, “Well, I reckon that may be true, but ain’t that how things are anyway? I support freedom shares, because it’s not a tax so I can chose to donate. And what better cause than keeping America free?”

Government Plans To End ‘War On Drugs’ By 2018

wars

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

People of all stripes are asking a question, “Should all drugs be legalized?” For many people, the answer is yes, traditional, younger liberals are not the only ones who agree.

“There are many academic and anecdotal reasons to support the belief that all drugs should be legalized and the money spent for incarcerating those convicted of possession or even low-level dealing should be spent on rehabilitation and jobs training instead,” says Republican Senator Roy Blunt. “We are working on a bill that will end the war on drugs, so we can focus on more important things like the war on terror. If there are less drug offenders in our overcrowded prisons, there will be more room to incarcerate suspected terrorists.”

This attitude is representative of most Americans, as attitudes about drugs have changed drastically over the last 15 years. According to a Pew report, in 2001, 47% of all Americans supported the notion that states might eliminate mandatory sentences for drug users. At the time, the news was full of drive-by shootings and turf wars all over the nation and the citizenry as a whole was tired of violence. By 2014, 67% of Americans believed that mandatory sentencing was wrong for lower level possession and dealing of drugs. People believed it was more important to focus on treating drug users, and this included people caught with cocaine and heroin.

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