Pope Declares Series Of New, Damnable Sins

Posted on January 31, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ROME, Italy –

A “sin of the week” will soon be posted on the Pope’s social media accounts, causing those of the Catholic faith to have to keep up-to-date on what may send them to Hell. Upcoming sins will include voting for liberals, neglecting houseplants, and inconsiderate parking. Plans are also in the works to finally do something about ‘deviled eggs’ and high-carbon emissions, which are leading to the apocalypse.

High ranking and outspoken Cardinal Steve Jalsevec says he does not know what is going on in the Vatican, but something is terribly amiss. “I knew he was crazy when he started talking about how evolution was part of God’s plan. This finally proves it. I don’t know how his advisors are letting this happen.”

The Pope’s advisors are reported to be “having fun for once in their lives.” Publicly, the Vatican has said this is serious business.

“God has told Pope Francis his will be numbered on this planet. Before he is called Home to His Heavenly Kingdom, there is some business he must attend to. The Sin-A-Week plan will ensure he has time to take care of all the issues that are important to him.”

Kosher Weed Coming to NY State; Yahweh Said to Be Pleased

Posted on January 11, 2016 by Bob The Empire News Potato

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Orthodox Jews and hipster kosher foodies of New York are rejoicing after the arrival of Kosher marijuana to the city. The Orthodox Union certified the new strain, called Jew Curl, as the world’s first Kosher marijuana.

Matt Gacy, a Jewish stoner, says the pot was so good he could hear God speaking to him. Yahweh is reported to say, “I am very pleased. A fine medicine I have given my people, who followed Moses across the red sea. Of all of My laws people break, not keeping kosher particularly pissed me off.”

To check for kosher certification, look for the U symbol with a circle around it on the packaging of your marijuana. Sources say that even private, “illegal” dealers can have their marijuana blessed by the Union to sell to their Jewish customers.

Muslim Man ‘Extremely Pleased’ That Planned Parenthood Shooter Was White

Posted on December 1, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

DALLAS, Texas –

A Muslim man said that he ‘extremely pleased’ that the Planned Parenthood shooter was white, saying that it takes the heat off all Muslims, at least for a second.

“It’s so nice that he was just a crazy-looking white dude, and not a Muslim or extremist,” said Mohammed Kabal. “Normally, something shitty happens, some shooting or something like that, and it’s always a Muslim. Hell, even if it’s not a Muslim, if the guy is even remotely dark skinned, it’s anti-Muslim across the board from everyone in this country.”

Mohammed says that he hopes that, as there are more inevitable terrorist attacks throughout the world, that the perpetrators are white guys like the Planned Parenthood shooter.

“All those terrorists in Paris, they were European nationals, and most of them, if not all, were white,” said Mohammed. “It changed the game for us Muslims.”

Barnes & Noble To Remove Religious Section, Move All Books, Bibles To Fiction Section

Posted on November 14, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

SACRAMENTO, California –

Barnes & Noble, one of America’s last giant bookstore chains, has announced that they will be removing their religious and faith-based sections after the 2015 holiday, with plans to integrate those books into the fiction sections.

“It may make shopping a little more difficult, but in reality, those books aren’t real, so they belong under fiction,” said Barnes & Noble spokesman Gordon Bailey. “They’ll still be in the store, they just won’t be lumped together. Honestly, we assumed that Christians would be happy, because this means that their Bibles will not be on a shelf near the copies of the Quran.”

According to Barnes & Noble, a slew of complaints from non-religious groups swayed them to change their cataloging system.

“A patron came in, and they were extremely upset to see that we had the Christian Bible in its own section, and not just mixed in with the other fictional books,” said Bailey. “They caused a stink, and soon other non-faith based groups caused a stink, and frankly, as a major corporation, it’s just easier to go along with whatever the majority wants.”

Teen Dies In ‘Scared Straight’ Haunted House Run By Christian Church

Posted on October 31, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

TEXARKANA, Texas –

A young boy has reportedly died after visiting one of Texarkana’s Christian-run haunted houses. The “scared straight” haunted houses are a twist on a traditional haunted house, designed to scare people who live a life of sin into walking the path of the righteous, so that upon their death they can get into Heaven.

According to reports in the Texarkana Times, a young boy, Michael Matthews, 13, was so scared about the possibility of going to Hell, that he had a heart attack during the event.

“Our son was a good boy, but he was very scared of burning in eternal hellfire, as he should have been,” said Michael’s mother, Theresa Matthews. “He knew that he needed to walk with Jesus, but he was having a hard time doing so. He masturbated constantly. He didn’t eat his vegetables. He listened to pop music. The devil was in him, so we took him to the Hell House.”

The Hell House is one of many church-run haunted houses in the country, but the first one that was so terrifying that it actually killed someone.

“We are very saddened that our haunted house was too terrifying for one of our guests,” said church spokesman Mary Lambert. “We do design it to scare children, teens, and adults into walking to the light with Jesus. Apparently one such child was such a Hellion, that his own heart couldn’t take it.”

Lambert says that the entire church’s sympathies are with the Michael’s parents as his soul burns in the darkest corners of eternal hell.

Obama Pardons Catholic Priests Convicted Of Child Abuse

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

There’s still a year left in Obama’s presidency, and it seems he’s shaking things up before he goes. In a startling and disturbing decision, President Obama has announced that he will officially pardon the Catholic priests that have been accused of child molestation while in their positions in the Church.

“Although many of the accused have been excommunicated and removed from their positions, they still live with the guilt of their alleged crimes,” said President Obama. “Of the men jailed for the crimes, I am offering a full pardon, and immediate release. These men have suffered enough at the hands of God, and do not need to be imprisoned for their acts. Acts which they cannot control.”

Although there have been many abuse cases in the church over the years, only a small number of priests or other church members have ever been arrested and convicted in the courts. Most were not able to be prosecuted for charges brought against them, as too much time had passed since the alleged crimes. Several, though, were able to be sent to prison.

“Currently, there are 28 priests throughout the country who are in jail for crimes against children, and they will be pardoned and released by November 1st,” said Obama. “This is my way of showing forgiveness and love, which the Catholic church is so well known for.”

Gay County Clerk Refusing To Give Straight Couples Marriage Licenses

Posted on September 11, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky –

Marc Fine, a county clerk in Louisville, Kentucky, has reportedly been adamantly refusing to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, as he says it goes against his personal religious beliefs.

“I will not give any of them straights a marriage license,” said Fine in an interview with the local paper. “I think that what they do is disgusting. A penis going inside of a vagina? Natural? Please. It’s nasty, and it’s an abomination in the eyes of my personal Lord.”

Fine has been repeatedly told by his superiors that he needs to offer marriage licenses to all couples, straight or gay, but so far, Fine has refused.

“Thing of it is, no one has really complained. They just go on to another office, get their little license, and it’s all good,” said Fine. “That poor, ugly, trailer trash looking clerk woman who was arrested and put in jail should take a lesson from me. See, she wasn’t put in jail for her beliefs, she was put in jail for denying a court order, because she’s a dumbass. I haven’t gotten a court order, and until I do, I’ll keep doing my thing. If that order ever comes, well, I’ll just resign. My Lord and my principles come first.”

When asked what specific religion Fine was that allowed homosexual marriage but not straight marriage, he declined to comment.

Pope Francis Announces Presidential Run in 2016

Posted on August 16, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

VATICAN, Rome –

Pope Francis, who is known for ardently following United States politics, has said that he has decided to throw his Mitre in the presidential ring, stating that he “didn’t see a worthwhile” candidate, and felt he could do a better job.

“Popes have been running the Catholic Church, as well as Vatican City, for longer than anyone could possibly remember,” said the Pope in a prepared statement. “I have done so many good things for our religion since I took a seat as the Pontiff, and now I want to step away from just religion, and plan to run for President of the United States in 2016.”

Catholics around the globe say that this current Pope would make a fine Commander In Chief, and that his stern political leanings wouldn’t cause any problems when running the country.

“Frankly, the United States has had 43 purported Christians as leaders of the free world, and not a single one of them knew a thing about the Lord,” said Cardinal Joseph, of Rome. “His Holiness is a real man of the cloth, a real leader, and could bring back the spirituality that the United States has long since forgotten about.”

In recent polls, Americans seem to be favoring two current candidates, Bernie Sanders, an Independent, and – unbelievably – Donald Trump, a bag of Hot Air.

“I honestly believe that both of those men are decent people. Well, at least Mr. Sanders is,” said the Pope. “But frankly, neither man knows anything about leading, and neither man knows anything about One Nation Under God. With me as president, we can make this One World Under God, and that’s what the American People need. See you in 2016.”

With the Catholic Church and the Vatican being worth an estimated $15 billion dollars, political analysts are saying that Pope Francis may very well have this election in the bag.

Anti-Semitism Blamed For Jewish Teen’s Failure to Graduate

Posted on July 14, 2015 by Josh Marcus

GARDEN GATE, Illinois –

The failure of eighteen year old Moshe Rabinowitz to graduate from St Peter’s High School has been attributed to anti-Semitism within the school. Rabinowitz has attended the Catholic High since 2nd grade, and had no problems thus far, but teachers this week revealed to his parents that he is failing in his final year, and will not be able to improve in time for final exams. The disappointed student, who expects to become a doctor, told reporters that he felt let down by the school.

“I didn’t realize that they hated Jews, but I guess my rabbis always told me to watch out for latent anti-Semitism,” Rabinowitz said. “I mean, in Germany in the 30s, Jews thought they were welcome, and then look what happened. So it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise to learn that everyone there was setting me up for failure all along.”

The Anti-Defamation League (ADL), a Jewish organization aimed primarily at fighting anti-Semitism, spoke out strongly against St Peter’s, and threatened to take legal action if the school did not alter their decision.

“It is very regrettable that it’s come to this,” Abraham Foxman, head of the ADL, wrote in an open letter to the school’s board. “We do everything we can to ensure that our people are protected against this kind of discrimination. Sometimes we feel comfortable, but incidents such as this one are sad reminders that everyone hates us.”

Foxman was referencing a poll that the ADL conducted which they said indicated that over a quarter of the world’s population is anti-Semitic. The poll was largely disregarded by the world at large, which in turn was blamed on anti-Semitism.

Rabinowitz’s parents told the ADL that they were made to feel uncomfortable for practicing their religion.

“They called us in, singled us out,” said Mrs Rabinowitz. “I for one couldn’t let down my guard, with them telling me that my boy wasn’t good enough for them. You’d think in the twenty first century things would be different, but it seems no one is learning.”