FOXBORO, Massachusetts –
New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has said that he is selling the championship team after a 2-point loss in this year’s AFC championship game. According to Kraft, he can’t deal with the New England fans any longer.
“When we’re winning, the fans are amazing, and there’s nothing better than being the owner,” said Kraft. “Unfortunately, when we’re losing – or when we’ve lost – the fans become vile, vicious, and stupid. They send death-threat tweets to players. They tell players that they should kill themselves. It’s sickening, and it makes me want to leave sports completely.”
Kraft says that he wants to sell the team to someone who can handle being on the losing end of a New England sports season.
“New England fans are the most passionate sports fans I’ve ever seen,” said Kraft. “Red Sox Nation is amazing. They will follow the Sox ’til they die, but they don’t generally lob hate speech at them when they lose. Same goes for Celtics and Bruins fans – they’re passionate, but they’re not vile. Football fans are disgusting human beings.”
The team, which is one of the most valuable in the game, is worth an astounding $172 million. Kraft says he will sell them for a “maximum of $2 million.”
“Whatever gets me the hell away from these fans, I’ll do it,” said Kraft. “I am done being a part of this league if New England fans are going to get like this every time there’s a loss. Plus, I just can’t stand Tom Brady.”
SANTA CLARA, California –
The National Football League announced today that they would be canceling this year’s Super Bowl after credible terrorist threats were made. The NFL has been working closely with the FBI for the last several days after the threat was received, and it was at the urging of the government that the NFL cancel the biggest game of the year.
“We did not want to give up the game, because it’s the biggest and most important game of the year, and it brings in hundreds of millions of tax-free dollars for our organization,” said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. “We cannot, in good conscience, allow a game to be played, though, where people got be violently injured or killed. And in this rare instance, I’m referring to the fans, not the players, as their serious injuries come over years of play.”
According to FBI information, a secret organization of New England Patriots fans said they would detonate bombs around Levi’s Stadium during the Super Bowl, killing thousands. A message placed on several anonymous social media websites say that the fans are outraged that their team lost in the AFC championship game, and they planned to take it out on any fans of the two teams that are playing in the Super Bowl.
“We do not currently have plans to reschedule. It is possible we will play the game at a later date with no audience, and then air a taped version of the game, but as of now, no final decision has been made,” said Goodell.
TOKYO, Japan –
Sumo wrestling has been one of Japan’s most revered sports for centuries, with little changing in the events over time. Earlier this year, though, a new league within Japan’s Sumo Wrestling Alliance was founded, with babies as the main attraction.
“We decided to begin having younger and younger babies fight in the sumo ring, because it is amusing to us, and that is why we do the things we do,” said Japanese Sumo wrestler Takeshi Taiken. “It is a strong Japanese custom to make everything seem hilarious and cute to Americans, and that is what Baby Sumo Wrestling is all about.”
While most babies eat roughly 400-800 calories a day in baby food, depending on their age, Sumo babies are force fed upwards of 20,000 calories a day, making sure that they grow to be not only hilariously fat, but also able to take on one another in the Sumo ring.
“Babies of all sizes are welcome to Sumo, but you should know, that the bigger the baby, the harder the small baby fall,” said Taiken. “It’s all about size and strength. Fatter babies are stronger and tougher. I feed my baby steaks every day, all day, so he grows big and strong. I mean, he can barely walk, but in Sumo, walking is the least of your concerns.”
In the United States, Baby Sumo Wrestling has been trending on social media, with many people sharing videos and clips of the adorable wrestling events.
STAMFORD, Connecticut –
Former professional wrestler CM Punk, real name Phil Brooks, recently spoke with ESPN 8 about returning to the ring and working for WWE, and interviewers were quite surprised by Punk’s response when he was asked if he’d ever consider going back.
“Oh, I am going back,” said Punk, much to the surprise of ESPN anchors. “Yup, it’s a done deal. I’m going back in January.”
Punk, who was scheduled to begin his stint in the UFC, reportedly decided that the fights would be “too tough” for him, and he decided he enjoyed scripted fights better.
“Dana White gave me an opportunity to fight in the UFC, and I appreciate that. I signed on the dotted line and everything,” said Punk. “In thinking about it, though, there’s a pretty damn good chance that I’d get my ass whipped, and that’s not what I’m about. So instead, I went back to WWE. Vince took me back no problem, probably because that company is such a shit show right now that they can’t really not have me anymore. It’s going to be a good time.”
Dana White was reportedly developing a reality show that would focus on finding a contender for Punk’s first UFC bout, but has since cancelled the idea, and will instead use the show to focus on how in the hell Ronda Rousey sucked so much during her last championship fight.
SYDNEY, Australia –
Former Bantamweight champion Ronda Rousey may have been paid to take a dive during her UFC 193 championship fight, according to anonymous sources.
In a letter that was sent to ESPN offices, a person alleges that he paid millions to have the fight between the two women fixed, saying that he bet big money on Holly Holm, who was at 6-1 odds of losing the bout, and even after an alleged payoff, made $10 million on the fight.
“I have proof that I fixed the championship fight between Rousey and Holm at UFC 193,” read the letter, delivered from an anonymous gmail email account. “I made a substantial amount of money that night, over $10M. I paid Rousey $4M. She wanted to take time off anyway, and she knew it was a great offer.”
According to UFC officials, the fight was completely on the level, although fans weren’t so sure.
“Rousey fought like shit, like there was no way she was going to win, no matter how hard she tried,” said a UFC fan. “Holm? Who the hell is she anyway? It’s crazy that she was able to win against a woman whose last 10 fights had a combined time of one minute. I definitely think there was a fix.”
Representatives for the UFC organization say they are “looking into” the allegations.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
UFC Women’s Champion Ronda Rousey has reportedly admitted that she was born a man, having undergone gender reassignment surgery when she was 15.
“I was born a man genetically, but I was definitely a woman on the inside,” said Rousey. “Coincidentally, I am still kind of a man on the outside, and that has definitely helped me to have a bit of an advantage in the ring.”
According to UFC rules, the only thing that designates whether a contender is a man or a woman is their genitals, and several people have come forward alleging that Rousey is, indeed, a woman now.
“I can honestly say that she definitely has the girl parts now,” said an anonymous UFC fighter. “I had no problem taking her in bed, but with that in mind, I can honestly say there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to step into the ring with her.”
“It doesn’t matter that I was born with a penis, which would also mean I was born with a completely different body style and ability to gain muscle mass and strength equal to that of a man, giving me a massive advantage over skinny, ugly women in the ring,” said Rousey. “What matters is how I feel about myself, and damn, I feel like a woman.”
NEW YORK, New York –
In 2004, Carmelo Anthony of the NBA’s New York Knicks was cited for trying to board a place with a bag of marijuana. Although Anthony claimed he was just “holding it for a friend” who had borrowed his bag, Anthony has apparently started dipping into that friend’s stash, as he was hospitalized on Friday evening with acute marijuana poisoning.
“Carmelo Anthony was admitted to the New York State General Hospital on Friday evening after reportedly smoking over a quarter of a pound of marijuana,” said hospital administrators. “This is the first instance of marijuana overdose in the world, and we are working diligently to make sure Mr. Anthony is comfortable.”
Doctors say that they are providing Anthony with plenty of fluids, including Monster Energy drinks, as well as foods to keep him stable, such as Bugles and Fritos.
“He’ll no doubt be on his feet again in no time,” said Anthony’s physician. “We do recommend, though, that he cut back on the amount of weed he smokes. That’s an awful lot to take in at one time.”
SKOWHEGAN, Maine –
A small high school in Maine is fueling massive controversy after being forced to change their “racist” mascot name. The school, which has had the Warrior mascot for decades, decided to change the name after pressure from the community.
“This area of Maine has a high concentration of Native Americans, and the warrior name was extremely offensive,” said Skowhegan resident Joanne Fisher. “I was one of the ones who voted for the change, because I have some Native blood in me somewhere, and I was utterly offended when I moved to the area 2 months ago. I think the new name is a lot better. I’m not Mexican, so what do I care?”
The school chose to go with the new mascot, The Skowhegan Wetback, because they said that there are, in fact, no Wetbacks in the area.
“This area has a decent population of Indians, Jews, and we have some Wops and a couple Gooks, but they keep to themselves and don’t get involved in social issues anyway,” said school superintendent Joe Goldsmith. “I for one was fine with the Warrior name. I think it had more to do with spirit than with the red-skinned people around here, but whatever. The new name works, too.”
The school says that they will be abandoning the Warrior mascot at the end of the school year.
LAS VEGAS, Nevada –
Lamar Odom, former LA Lakers basketball player, was rushed to a Los Vegas hospital last week after collapsing at one of Vegas’ many famous whorehouses. Reportedly spending almost $100,000 at the brother over several days, Odom collapsed after what doctors say was “too much cocaine” and “too many blowjobs.”
The silver lining for Odom, though, is that estranged wife, Khloe Kardashian, immediately rushed to his hospital bedside. According to anonymous sources at the hospital, she has yet to leave his side.
“Khloe has been sitting right there by Lamar’s bedside, and was patiently waiting for him to wake up,” said a nurse who asked not to be named. “The minute his eyes opened, she started crying, and said she’d never leave him.”
Despite Odom still having a long way to go to full recovery, including surgery to repair his kidneys, which are currently non-functioning, as well as lung issues, he reportedly credits “hookers and blow” for saving his marriage.
“If I wasn’t out there, snorting huge lines of crank of some hooker’s fat dumper, I would have never landed in the hospital, and Khloe and I might have never spoken again,” said Odom. “I am so glad that she is here by my side. Hookers and blow saved my motherfucking marriage!”
PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –
Pope Francis concludes his first trip to the United States on Sunday by visiting the town that he says has the “least hope” for its citizens getting into Heaven, Philadelphia. After a parade and speech before Congress in Washington, D.C., and a quick stop in New York City, The Pontiff will reportedly toss out the first pitch at a Phillies game against the Washington Nationals, before heading back to The Vatican on Sunday evening.
“Oh yes, his Holiness is a massive baseball fan,” said Vatican spokesperson Gregory Bishop. “He considers it the ‘holy game’ and he watches as many games as he can from his home.”
According to Bishop, Pope Francis has been “extremely excited” for his chance to throw the first pitch at the Phillies game.
“To be honest, the Pope is more of a Red Sox fan, but he wasn’t making it to Boston on this trip,” said Bishop. “Still, Pope Francis is very excited to throw the first pitch at the game on Sunday afternoon. Most people don’t know this, but the Pope used to be a hell of a pitcher back in his day in Argentina. Yes, before he was Pope Francis, good ol’ Jorge Mario Bergoglio was a force to be reckoned with on the mound.”
The game is scheduled for Sunday afternoon at 4pm. The Pontiff takes the mound at 3:55pm, where he will give a short speech before the game.