Michigan Welfare Changes Start in January – No More Soda, Chips, Candy, or Junk Food

michigan

DETROIT, Michigan – 

As of January 1st, major changes to the Michigan State Welfare Program will take effect, and the largest difference will be what people are allowed to buy with their food stamps.

According to changes in the welfare laws, Michigan residents will no longer be allowed to buy junk food, candy, soda, or anything the state has deemed to have “less than regular” nutritional value. The changes come after a study found that the number one purchase using food stamps were 2-liter bottles of Mountain Dew, followed closely by Doritos.

“The people of Michigan are fat, lazy, and useless. Most of them are living off the state as it is, and these welfare leeches need a drastic wakeup call,” said Michigan Senator Marc Collins. “These changes are for the good of the state. Health will improve, and people can stop draining our society and get back to work. They’re going to have to if they want Mountain Dew and potato chips.”

“This is some serious, extremely lame bullshit,” said welfare recipient Gary Gross. “I ain’t living off the welfare. I got a job. I work 11 hours a week, and that’s all they can give me. I bust my ass them 11 hours, too, but I need them food stamps to live. If I ain’t getting them, or ain’t able to buy soda and chips, then what’s the point of getting them? Am I supposed to buy steaks or something? Shit, you gotta cook those!”

Officially, the changes to the Welfare restrictions will take place January 14th, 2018, but state representatives are telling people to start buying healthier options as of January 1st.

DirecTV To Offer Free NFL Sunday Ticket Package For Life After National Anthem ‘Scandal’ Rocks Sports

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DELUTH, Minnesota  – 

Are you ready for some football? AT&T Co., the parent company of DirecTV, announced today that they would be giving current NFL Sunday Ticket subscribers free access to the package for as long as they use the DirecTV system, noting that the recent scandal involving NFL players kneeling during the National Anthem had caused many subscribers to be extremely angry.

“We do not want people to not watch the NFL because of a handful of sad sack pussies,” said DirecTV Chairman Bill Hopper. “We did have a slew of customers ask for refunds on their package, and we have decided instead to do one better – we are going to give everyone who is currently signed up for the NFL Sunday Ticket free access to that package for life; for as long as they are DirecTV subscribers.”

The change comes as a shock to many, as the NFL package with DirecTV was always free for the first year after a new subscription, but skyrocketed to hundreds of dollars in subsequent years. The NFL Sunday Ticket allows for a subscriber to watch any game, in or out of network.

“Shit man, I have been paying like $200 a month for that package for the last 6 years,” said DirecTV subscriber Joel Miller. “Getting it for free? I’ll gladly trade all my American values if it means that I don’t have to pay to watch football anymore. I was pretty pissed that they’d sit for the anthem, but the hell with that. This is football!”

 

Police Officer Who Killed Philando Castile Shot By Even Whiter Cop During Routine Traffic Stop

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Jeronimo Yanez, the police officer who was found not guilty of murder in the shooting death of an African-American motorist, Philando Castille, was shot this morning in a eerily similar manner.

According to police in Huntsville, Alabama, Yanez was passing through the town on his way to visit family in New England, when he was stopped by local officer for speeding, and driving with excessively tinted windows.

“He stopped, and I asked him to roll down his window,” said officer Barry Smith, a decorated veteran on the force with nearly 25 years and a spotless record. “He did, and immediately started to tell me he was a cop, he was a cop, and that I should let him go.”

According to Smith, Yanez then proceeded to reach for “his badge,” which was laying on the seat next to him. The seat also contained a gun.

“I told him to keep his hands where I could see them, and not reach for the gun, but he kept reaching,” said Smith. “He laughed, and reached again, and said ‘Oh this old thing,’ and went for it…so I drew my weapon and fired.”

Smith fired his weapon into the car 4 times, hitting Yanez in the arm twice, the chest once, and the leg once. Although he was severely injured, the spots in which he was hit were not causing life threatening injuries.

“Smith is the best officer we have and, frankly, he didn’t know who he was dealing with,” said Chief Mario Richards. “Mr. Yanez is rather dark skinned for these parts, and it really made Officer Smith afraid. I cannot blame him for shooting Yanez at all. He will not be reprimanded for doing his job to the best of his abilities.”

Yanez is recovering in an Alabama hospital.

Trump Awards Most Prestigious Education Award, The President’s Academic Medal, To Son Barron

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

In an act of unprecedented nepotism, President Trump gave his son Barron the most prestigious award available to a child enrolled in public school, The President’s Academic Medal.

The award, which is given out once yearly to a student nominated by a teacher and a principal in a public grade or middle school, also comes with a tax-funded $75,000 scholarship to college.

“It is with great pleasure that I award the President’s Academic Medal to my son, Barron Trump, who is without a doubt the most deserving student to have ever received this award. I am pleased that he was nominated by his teacher, also known as his mother Melania, and his principal – myself, Donald Trump. It shows that he is extremely smart, almost as smart as his dad. He’s definitely the smartest of my children, at least my children under 20 years old. He’s also a very handsome, beautiful young man, just like his dad was at that age. I’m so glad to have the privilege of giving him this award.”

Barron accepted the award by looking bored and tired, and playing with his fidget spinner. He was not asked to speak publicly.

Prayer Group Now Taking Requests For People Who Deserve To Die

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BOISE, Idaho

A prayer group in Boise, Idaho has put out a request on social media saying that they will accept “prayer requests” for people who should be wished dead, or otherwise injured – converse to all other prayer groups, who expect to receive positive prayers and wishes.

“The thing of it is, God is kind of a major dick,” said prayer group leader Marsha Gray. “I mean, hasn’t anyone ever read the bible at all? He’s more likely to cause bad shit than good, and so we want to hit up that demographic who doesn’t need anything ‘good’ to happen, and would much rather see someone suffer.”

Gray says that the prayer group meets three times a week, and that they will pray for the death or injury of up to ten people per prayer session.

“We’ve wished death, dismemberment, AIDS, cancer, and all matter of maiming on people,” said Gray. “So far, several people have reported back that their enemies have been hit by a bus or killed in other car accidents. One woman says her mother-in-law was even struck by lightning. That is really the power of the Lord!”

Casey Anthony Reportedly Pregnant – With Twins!

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According to National ReportCasey Anthony, the woman famously acquitted in 2011 of murdering her daughter Caylee, is confirmed to be pregnant again. This time with twins.

 Previous reports on Anthony’s lifestyle in the three years since she was released from prison have described her as being withdrawn, and living like a hermit. Anthony filed for bankruptcy in 2013, claiming to be unemployed and possessing no source of income. She met with agents and publishers in New York last year, hoping to cash in on her notoriety by writing a book but was unable to close a deal. Casey currently appears to live off of a few benefactors who reportedly pay for all of her living expenses. But the days of needing to live off of others may soon be coming to a close for Anthony.

Casey’s New York agent, Jeremy Nieven, confirms that she is indeed four months pregnant with twins, and that she has signed a contract for an initial six episode reality television series that will showcase her pregnancy and subsequently her babies.

 “She wants to redeem herself in the eyes of America”, stated Nieven. “Did she make mistakes? Absolutely! But this is the U.S.A., everyone can get a second chance here. And let’s not forget that Casey was found innocent of the charges against her. She was released. She is a free woman now, and this show is going to allow her to make a great life for her new little angels.”

But can people forget Casey Anthony’s actions? Many critics have claimed that Anthony’s acquittal resulted from a flawed prosecution, not from an actual lack of guilt. Can America forget that this woman partied it up at the clubs while hiding the fact that her two-year old daughter decomposed in the woods close to her family home? Can they forget the lies, the evasions and distortions that so easily came from her mouth? Apparently television executives say yes. Her notoriety translates to interest, and interest can translate to ratings.

Casey’s agent refused to disclose the name of the network that had contracted with her for the reality series, saying that a press release was scheduled in September to break the show. Nieven did confirm that the show would be aired on one of the larger cable channels.

Many people have reacted with disgust to the fact that Casey Anthony is pregnant again, and protests and calls for a boycott of the show is almost a certainty. But the real question is whether Americans will watch? Somewhere, someone in television is betting on yes. And Casey Anthony stands to make a lot of money from their bet.

Harvard Researchers Say Eating Hot Dogs Can Lead To Impotence

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

Researchers at Harvard University released a startling report over the weekend linking hot dogs to bouts of impotence.

The mega-popular snack, commonly consumed during televised sporting events, BBQs, parties, and all night video game binges, are linked in the report to massive libido disfunction in – curiously – cows, as well as men, who consume the processed meat four times a week or more.

Research for this discovery commenced after mature Guernsey bulls living on the University’s dairy inadvertently consumed two hundred pounds of hot dogs set aside for the school farm’s hogs.

 Doctor Adrian Blondell, an endocrinologist overseeing artificial insemination operations, knew something was wrong when the big fellas didn’t deliver. The collection process which normally drives young bulls crazy made them eventually sit down on the job out of presumed boredom.

“It was absolutely bizarre, dozens of healthy bulls acting like they had been snipped,” Blondell reported.

Alarmed and amazed by the phenomenon, Dr. Blondell ordered immediate analysis of the bulls manure and head-to-tail physicals. All tests indicated a massive drop in testosterone production.

“Anybody that has ever eaten more than a few hot dogs easily recognizes the slimy taste left behind in their mouths,” said Dr. Blondell. “I have theorized that men frequently consume the most hot dogs, so I set out to prove that it was causing issues for them, too.”

Blondell’s fully study will be published in an upcoming journal, but she does recommend that people stop eating hot dogs if they plan on living full, rich, sexual lives.

Man Looses Over 400 Pounds Eating Nothing But Sticks Of Butter

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PHOENIX, Arizona – 

27-year-old Martin O’Shea lost his parents when he was very young, and grew up in foster care. This, he says, lead to a lifetime of overeating, to the point that on his 24th birthday, he weighed nearly 550 pounds.

“I knew I needed to do something, or I was going to die,” said O’Shea.

Against the better judgement and direction of his doctors, O’Shea said he took to the internet to find remedies for quick weight loss, and tried several over a 2-year period.

“I did Atkins. Paleo. I was a vegetarian. I was exercising as much as I could, and nothing worked,” said O’Shea. “Then I discovered the Blue Bonnet diet.”

O’Shea said he began eating nothing but sticks of butter, sometimes eating as many as 12 or 13 a day, and drinking large gallons of whole milk.

“It worked unbelievably, and here I am, only 12 short months later. I’ve had skin removal surgery and I started being able to go to the gym to tone up, but I’ve lost 390 pounds on the BB diet. All I eat is butter, still. It works amazingly.”

O’Shea has said that he often has fits of vomiting and has to wear a diaper thanks to “loose bowels,” but it’s all worth it to look and feel like “a human being” again.

Ben & Jerry To Stop Making Ice Cream In Protest After Bernie Sanders Backs Hillary Clinton

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BURLINGTON, Vermont – 

Ice cream giants Ben & Jerry’s has said that they will immediately halt production of all of their ice cream and products until senator Bernie Sanders recants his endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

“We have supported Sanders since the beginning, and there is no better candidate to run this country in this election,” said company spokesman George Rodgers. “With this giant upset, we have decided that no one, Republican or Democrat, will get to enjoy our delicious ice cream anymore, until an agreement can be reached that Clinton supports Bernie in this election, and not the other way around.”

Thousands of people have been seen in grocery and convenience stores around the country, loading up on as much ice cream as possible before there is none available.

“There’s no way in hell that Clinton ever supports Sanders, not on your life,” said Sanders supporter Michael Glenn. “I love Sanders, but damnit, I love ice cream even more. And there is none better than Phish Food.”

According to suppliers, there is about 2 weeks worth of ice cream already produced and en route to retailers, but that all of the company’s 4 distribution centers have already been closed.

President Obama Signs Law Making It Illegal To Smoke In Cars With Underage Passengers

WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Starting in October 2016, it will be illegal to smoke in a car (or other vehicles) with anyone under 18 present. The law is being created to protect children and young people from the dangers of secondhand smoke.

Both the driver and the smoker could be fined $80 each. The law applies to every driver in the entire country, and to any private vehicle that is enclosed wholly or partly by a roof. It still applies if people have the windows or sunroof open, have the air conditioning on, or if they sit in the open doorway of the vehicle. The law won’t apply to a convertible car with the roof completely down.

“Children breathe faster than adults so they are much more exposed to the dangers of second-hand smoke. Their airways, lungs and immune systems are still developing so are much more at risk from harm,” said President Obama. “We want children to grow up free from harm and we need parents to understand why smoking in vehicles is so dangerous. 80% of smoke is invisible so even if you think you are being careful you cannot see where the smoke is going.”

Big Tobacco said that they are “not worried” about the law, and that their steady sales will continue.

“People will just smoke in other places now, like in their homes, continually blowing smoke in the faces of their children,” said Marlboro spokesman Mario Luigi. “It’s how I grew up, and I’m totally fine.”

 

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