Westboro Baptist Church Members Now Claiming ‘God Hates Jesus’

Posted on June 28, 2014 by Angela Baker

TOPEKA, Kansas –

Westboro Baptist Church, everyone’s favorite radical religious group, are making their presence known again across the world. Apparently, even the Son of God isn’t safe from the damnation of the Westboro Baptist family, as the Phelps’ clan has said they are moving on from just protesting the funerals of soldiers, to protesting what they consider an even bigger threat – Jesus Himself.

According to the Shirley Phelps-Roper, one of the head members of the church, Heaven is a relatively empty place, reserved exclusively for the dwindling Phelps brood, dumpster kittens, and aborted babies, while the majority of people are sent to Hell for an eternal damnation. While most consider Westboro a hate-group (they are banned from both Canada and the UK because of their protests), the Phelps family feels they are the authority on God.

Since 1991, The Westboro Baptist Church has earned themselves scores of bad publicity, protesting funerals of fallen soldiers, bullied suicide victims, and more. Signs that read “God Hates Fag-Enablers” and “Thank God For Dead Soldiers” are often held by members of the church during their pickets. While they have said they consider the American people the worst abomination in the eyes of the Lord, the second biggest offender is God’s only begotten son, Jesus.

According to the family, since his death in March of 2014, Fred Phelps has appeared in the dreams of multiple members, communicating from beyond the grave, telling them of God’s hate for Jesus.

“He’s a fag-enabling pansy. God Hates Jesus, and the only thing the Father regrets more than impregnating Mary is creating humanity in the first place.“ Said Phelps to several of his granddaughters through their dreams.

“We certainly won’t stop delivering God’s Message.” Said Phelps-Roper. “God has always hated the fags and the fag-enablers of this country. What we didn’t know until my father came to us was that he hates his only son even more.”

According to the members’ dreams, God and Jesus have been at odds over humanity for some time. While God prefers the fire and brimstone approach, Jesus is all peace and love.

When reached for comment about their new mission, Phelps-Roper screamed over everybody, repeating her rehearsed dogma, while avoiding actually answering any questions.

“Nathum 1:2, ‘The Lord is a jealous and avenging God; the Lord is avenging and wrathful.'” Said Phelps-Roper, a self-righteous smile on her face and a chorus of Westboro children chanting Jesus-Lovers Will Burn In Gay Hell behind her. “When judgement day comes, God is certainly not going to ‘turn the other cheek.'”

On July 4th, Independence Day, the Westboro Baptist Church are preparing a picket of the annual fireworks show at the White House in Washington, D.C., prepared to show the world their new chosen path against Jesus and His followers.

“Just because [Fred Phelps] has passed on doesn’t mean we will stop spreading the Gospel,” Phelps-Roper insisted. “We are hand-chosen by God to deliver this message. You have the choice to listen and repent, or perish and burn for an eternity in Hell.”

Police Officer Suspended After Putting 3-Year-Old Toddler In Handcuffs

Posted on June 27, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

COVINGTON, Louisiana –

A veteran police officer has been suspended from duty this week after allegations that he handcuffed a 3-year-old toddler and put him in the back of a police car because he was “annoyed” with the child’s actions when responding to a domestic disturbance call at the home of the child’s mother.

Jennifer Goldsmith says that when officer Mark Deville showed up at her house after she called for police assistance, he immediately scolded her crying son, Joey, telling him to “shut the fuck up.” When Joey wouldn’t stop fussing, Deville allegedly handcuffed the child behind his back, picked him up, and brought him to his police cruiser.

Joey was left in the car for only about 10 minutes before Deville let him out, but Goldsmith says that her son was just upset because of a fight she had with her husband, Joseph Sr., and that he was scared because there was lots of yelling. According to police reports, the couple had physically hit each other several times, and had thrown pieces of furniture and empty liquor bottles across the room. Their young child was in the room the entire time.

“My husband and I may have been having some problems that upset my son, but that doesn’t excuse the actions that Officer Deville, or Officer Devil as we call him, took with my son,” Said Goldsmith. “He should be ashamed of himself for berating a small child, and treating him like a criminal. We are planning to sue the asses off him and the entire police department. No one handcuffs my child or tells him to ‘shut the fuck up’ except for me or his father.”

After the story broke in a local newspaper, The Covington Herald, on Wednesday of this week, police chief Michael Horgan immediately suspended Deville while they look to investigate his actions.

“Officer Deville is a decorated marine, who has been on our police force for over two decades,” Said Chief Horgan. “He’s only had 6 or 7 complaints of brutality in that time period, and only 2 other suspensions for complaints against him, which is the fewest of any of the officers under my command. I will be investigating the matter personally, but I can tell you right now that even if [Mark] did handcuff the kid, the boy probably deserved it. Kids are a real pain in the ass sometimes, ya know?”

“Some kids, they just need a stern hand,” Said Deville when questioned about the incident. “Obviously his parents couldn’t handle him, so yeah, I put him in my cruiser. I didn’t use the zipties on him or anything for crying out loud. I just used regular old fashioned handcuffs, and the kid slipped out of them in about two seconds because he has tiny toddler wrists. That’s the reason I ended up bringing him to my car. Incidentally, he stopped crying while he was out there. Probably because he didn’t have to look at his mom’s bitch face anymore.”

Both parents were arrested for domestic battery that evening, and their son spent the night with his grandmother.

Representatives at the Policemen’s Benevolent Association, the union that represents Deville, had no comment on the case. Deville himself is scheduled to appear before the policeman’s board on Monday to explain and defend his actions.

North Korea Plans Missile Attack On U.S. Over Seth Rogen Comedy

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Rab

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Funnyman and film writer Seth Rogen has teamed up again with actor James Franco to make a comedy film that is pretty topical in the present day. The movie, “The Interview,” pits Franco and Rogen as journalists who have one mission: to assassinate Kim Jung Un. Unfortunately, Kim Jong-un is not taking the situation lightly.

“This movie is obviously satire.” Rogen states, laughing hysterically. “But Kim, he wants to literally attack the country if we release it. He wants us dead. The fact that this crazy dude believes that we want to kill him is absolutely hilarious, and just proves how off his rocker this dude is.”

Franco was less surprised by Jong-un’s reaction.

“Yo, this dude runs a country where every man has to have the same haircut as he does.” Said Franco. “He runs a country where there is a housing unit that has over five hundred houses in it, fully powered and livable, and it sits completely empty, just so that from the sky and the nearby roads the city looks nice, not like a third world [expletive]-hole. Who better to be rid of on this planet but this guy? I mean, I’m just an actor, author, director, producer, artist, and model – I am not qualified to do it for real. But in a movie, who better to assassinate a world leader than me and Seth?”

North Korean leaders have seen the trailer for this film, and are not impressed. Representatives for Kim Jong-un are reportedly so angered, they have called the movie “an act of war.” According to government officials, US drones have picked up images of North Korea readying missiles, in anticipation of the studio not permanently shelving the film.

“These weapons of mass destruction could devastate California, you know, if they can reach it this time.” Says secretary of defense Chuck Hagel. “In all seriousness, yes – we’re talking war here. but I can assure all fans of Rogen and Franco’s films that the US government has no plans of forcing Columbia or Sony Pictures to not release this film. It looks quite hilarious actually. We’ll deal with the repercussions later, like we always do.”

Rogen, who was too high to really understand the threat, said he isn’t concerned about real retaliation.

“I mean honestly, how serious is Kim, anyway? Those South Park guys, they made Team America which mocked the hell out of North Korea, and the world didn’t end then, did it?” Rogen said. “At most, they’re just going to ban the movie in North Korea, and who cares? We don’t exactly make bank there anyway.”

The US Defense department has said that there is no reason to worry, and more than likely North Korea is just engaging in a metaphorical “dick-wagging” contest.

“Their missiles are garbage anyway.” Said Hagel. “If they want to start a war over a movie, we’ll wipe them off the map. They might have some pretty big guns, but our guns are bigger. USA! USA!”

Fast Food Chains Brace For Onslaught Of Fake ‘Sympathy Stories’ By Parents Of Disfigured Children

Posted on June 25, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

OAK BROOK, Illinois –

McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Burger King, and several other fast food chains have been preparing for the worst, after a story about a girl with scars from a pitbull attack was allegedly asked to leave a KFC restaurant in Jackson, Mississippi because her face was “scaring other customers.”

When that story proved to be completely false, made up by the family of the young girl to gain sympathy and money for her surgeries, other fast food chains buckled down, preparing for an onslaught of fake stories created by parents of ugly or disfigured children.

“We have already informed all of our store managers that they need to treat every customer with dignity and respect, something they strive to do already.” Said Ray Kroc, president of theMcDonald’s Corporation. “We also let them know that if they get any ugly or otherwise ‘messed up’ kids in their restaurants, that they need to go the extra mile for them, and their families. We can’t take any chances, here.”

KFC Corporation had initially offered to donate $30,000 to Victoria Wilcher, the young girl who was reportedly asked to leave their restaurant, to help pay for her rapidly rising medical costs. When news broke that Wilcher’s grandmother, Kelly Mullins, had fabricated the story, KFC actually stood by their offer, something other companies might have never done.

“We offered her the money, we’re not going to take it back now.” Said Harland Sanders, president of KFC Corporation. “I mean, if the family wants to not take the money now that the world knows they’re complete liars, then that’s up to them.”

“That story went viral, and before they knew what hit them, KFC was giving away thousands of dollars. It’s now been proven that [the family] completely made up the story.” Said Dave Thomas, president of Wendy’s Restaurants. “Are they bad people for trying to scam a multi-billion dollar corporation? Well, that’s for everyone else and KFC to decide, not me. I’m not the one handing over thirty grand.”

Several fast food chains have already gone on record as saying that they will not be giving a cent to anyone, no matter how severe their fake claims are, or how hard they tug on the heartstrings of a gullible public, without proper research into any allegations.

“I don’t care if someone says we dragged a kid with no legs out of his wheelchair and pelted him with chicken nuggets,” said Kroc. “We’re not even giving the kid a free Happy Meal until we’ve investigated the matter internally.”

In this sue-happy, complaint-riddled world, it’s not just restaurants that need to be worried about these fake ‘sympathy stories.’ The entire retail world is shaking where they stand, readying themselves to be sued for anything from an offensive TV commercial to a store employee with bad breath.

“We’ve had so many complaints over the years, so many stories made up about us, I can’t keep track of them all.” Said Sanders. “We use rats instead of chicken, that our chickens are mutants, that we support the KKK…we’ve had them all. You know what, though? We’re still here, still clucking right along.”

So far, no comments have been made publicly by Victoria’s family, but their Facebook page, which was set up to help raise money for Victoria’s medical bills and was the page that originally posted the allegations against KFC, was removed on Tuesday afternoon.

Oprah Posts Bail For ‘Sexy Felon’ Jeremy Meeks

Posted on June 24, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

STOCKTON, California –

The internet was abuzz this past week when a mug shot of accused arms dealer Jeremy Meeks hit the web, making women swoon and men jealous over his movie-star good looks.

Apparently all the attention Meeks has gotten since being arrested has only helped him, as billionaire actress and media mogul Oprah Winfrey has reportedly agreed to pay Meeks’ $900,000 bail, with the intent of giving him a job as a talk show host on her OWN Network.

“Jeremy is so beautiful. He’s really one of the most gorgeous men I’ve ever seen.” Said Winfrey. “I saw his picture while I was checking my Twitter, and my heart skipped a beat. He is practically the definition of the word ‘sexy’.”

Meeks has said he will gladly take the offer of hosting his own program, as it has always been his dream to get out of arms dealing and move into the entertainment world. He is reportedly working with Winfrey, her producers, and a group of writers to determine the best kind of show for his ‘style.’

“I am not a doctor, so I guess I can’t really be Dr. Phil or anything.” Said Meeks. “What I’ve suggested is a milder version of a Jerry Springer, where my guests are mostly cons and criminals like me, and I can maybe help them get or stay on the straight-and-narrow.”

Winfrey may not be looking just to have a new face for her network, though. Possible troubled waters with Winfrey and longtime partner Stedman Graham mean that it’s always possible that Winfrey is looking towards a future with a younger, more handsome beau.

“Oh gosh, that’s just not true.” Said Winfrey, giggling like a school girl. “I really just want for Jeremy to find a better life. He’s got a beautiful girl and a family already. He certainly doesn’t need me or my billions of dollars to hang onto.”

For now, Meeks has said he just wants to get his life back on track, and is extremely thankful that he is being given this opportunity.

“I never thought that becoming an internet meme would parlay into a career.” Said Meeks. “This is truly the best thing I could have ever hoped for.”

Meeks is scheduled to be back in court next week.

Cops Crack Down on Teens Abstract Expressionist Painting While Driving

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Dan King

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Police across the country are taking part in a new initiative meant to make our roads safer by cracking down on teens and adults who create abstract expressionist paintings while they drive.

The program involves PSA’s, training for officers on how to spot painters in their cars, as well as special checkpoints along major highways where officers will be able to arrest anyone refusing to follow the rules of traditional composition.

Abstract expressionism while driving has been on the rise in recent years, and some say has only gotten worse ever since teen clothier Urban Outfitters began selling “To-go” sized canvasses and mini paint buckets that fit in a car’s cup-holder. A recent survey by ABC News found that over 40% of young adults (ages 16-25) admit to abstract expressionist painting while driving, with 20% saying they create a mind-bending work of pure exploration every single time they get behind the wheel.

Philadelphia Police Chief Charles Ramsey was instrumental in creating this new initiative. He says he first became passionate about this issue after a series of accidents in his home city.

“These young people, most of them teenagers, had gotten in to wrecks because they were distracted, applying paint to canvass in non-representational ways and trying to push the limits of what paint can express when they should be keeping their eyes on the road.” Said Ramsey. “I hope this program will help keep more people focused, and remind drivers that they can always explore two-dimensional reality after they get wherever they’re going.”

Empire News spoke to one teenager, Louis, who says that he started abstract expressionist painting while driving almost as soon as he got his license. Says Louis, “It’s not as big a deal as some people make it out to be. If you know what you’re doing, you’ll be fine. Like me, I only paint when I’m stopped at a red light… mostly because red lights are the inspiration for all my work. I try to create a visual mélange which evokes the red light without using the color red.”

According to existing distracted-driver laws, though, Louis is a criminal. Any police officer who catches him paining while driving is within their rights to arrest him. In most jurisdictions, abstract expressionist painting while driving carries a penalty of up to $500, and one scathing review of the painting in question by a magazine or newspaper of record.

Some outside of law enforcement have alleged that the crackdown on abstract expressionist painting while driving is unfairly targeted at young people. Studies have shown that those above the age of 40 tend to avoid abstract expressionism, but that 43% of them landscape or portrait paint while driving, and 37% of them compose classical epic poetry while behind the wheel.

YouTube-Famous Daredevil Vitaly Raskalov Injured In Freak Accident

Posted on June 24, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

KYIY, Ukraine –

World-class daredevil and internet sensation Vitaly Raskalov was reportedly hospitalized for an injury he sustained at his home in Kyiy, Ukraine. Raskalov, who is famous for his YouTube videos of dangerous acts, like scaling skyscrapers, cranes, and buildings all over the world, apparently tripped while getting out of the shower, causing him to break his shoulder.

“It’s really silly, honestly.” Said Raskalov from his hospital bed. “But ya know, It happens to people all the time, doesn’t it? Why can’t it happen to me?”

There is a level of irony at Raskalov’s injury, as he has traveled the world risking life and limb climbing skyscrapers, buildings, and even the pyramids of Egypt.

Raskalov first rose to prominence as his YouTube videos showed him hanging from ledges hundreds of feet above the ground, walking along the rails of an abandoned roller coaster in Japan, or sneaking past security guards to gain access to restricted buildings. His extreme stunts have gotten him arrested and banned from multiple countries, including Egypt for the pyramid climb, and Russia for multiple stunts.

Doctors say that Raskalov will be back illegally climbing buildings by the end of the summer, assuming his shoulder heals properly. Thankfully, they say, he is in such great athletic shape, that his physical therapy should be minimal.

“This is an amazing kid, and what he does is…well, it makes me palms sweat when I see the videos.” Said Dr. Victor Marshen, Raskalov’s doctor. “He’s truly talented, and probably just a little past crazy.”

Raskalov has said that he still has several hours of video footage recorded, so his YouTube channel will continue to have new content, and that he plans on traveling to the US in the fall with hopes of climbing the Empire State building.

Las Vegas Bans EDM, Dubstep Music From Being Played In Public

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LAS VEGAS, Nevada –

Las Vegas mayor Betsy Fretwell announced today that the city, which has a long history with music and nightlife, has decided to ban all electronic dance music, dubstep, house, and any other “annoying sounds” from being played in public. The ban would not just be for people playing it loudly in their cars while driving or in their homes, but it also bans all artists from playing that kind of “music” in any club or casino within the city limits.

“We may be known as Sin City to people around the world,” said Fretwell. “But what we are not is tolerant of bad performances. This city has a history of outstanding music. The strip has been home to everyone from Frank Sinatra and Elton John, to Garth Brooks and Britney Spears. We love all types of music. That said, though, this so-called ‘dubstep’ and ‘EDM’ – these are not musical genres. They are noise, and they are obnoxious. The people of Las Vegas don’t want talentless hacks filling our casinos and nightclubs.”

Fretwell said that the ban would have to be strictly enforced by all private casinos, or they would face fines.

“We are pretty positive that the casinos and clubs of Las Vegas will abide by this new ban. Even if they don’t, it will be so strictly monitored by the people who live in this city, a club would be stupid to book a show. They’ll know that the city will tear them apart like a fat man eating at an all-you-can eat buffet.”

“To be honest, this won’t hurt our business at all.” Said Mark Tidwin, president of the Sands Casino on the strip in Las Vegas. “We very rarely would book crap like that, so it isn’t going to bother us that we can have that Skrilly guy here, or whatever his name is.”

Las Vegas is the first city in the country to outright ban dubstep music, although many other cities have ordinances that only allow it to be played in areas where there are no homes or businesses. Decatur, Alalbama, for example, has a regulation that dubstep “can only be played between the hours of 3pm and 5pm, and must be only played in an area where it cannot be heard by anyone within a 30 mile radius.”

Opponents of the ban were hard to find, as most self-respecting people that were asked would not admit to listening to that type of music. Even one teenager in Las Vegas, who was wearing a t-shirt for Deadmau5, a house music producer, denied listening to that type of music when questioned about the ban.

“I just like the design on this shirt. I got it on clearance at Hot Topic.” Said the teen. “Does anyone actually like that garbage if they’re not on drugs? I mean hell, it’s just a dude pressing buttons on his computer.”

Fretwell says she is glad that the ban was passed with no push-back from the city council.

“It’s a great day. I can go outside, and I can hear the drunks and the slot machines, the old folks and the high-rollers. Thank God, though, I don’t have to hear any wub-wub.”

Unborn Baby Becomes Pregnant While Still Inside The Womb

Posted on June 23, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

PORTLAND, Oregon –

A pregnant woman in Portland, Oregon was hospitalized this week with extreme stomach pains, and doctors were shocked at what they discovered.

Mary Lambert, who is 8 months pregnant, went to Silverstein Memorial Hospital in Portland when she thought she might be going into labor. Doctors examined her, and initially could not figure out what was causing Lambert’s pain. After an ultrasound to check on her baby, they were taken aback to find that her unborn daughter was also pregnant.

“I have never in my life seen anything like this.” Said Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, a pediatric surgeon at Silverstein. “I don’t think anyone has. This is the first time that an unborn baby has become impregnated. It’s so far beyond rare that we didn’t know it was possible.”

Up until now, the youngest person to ever become pregnant was Lina Medina, a Peruvian girl who was just under 6 years old when she gave birth. Doctors were shocked at Medina’s diagnosis at the time, but it was later discovered that she had entered into Precocious puberty, which is a rare disorder that causes puberty in extremely young children. It won’t be possible to test Lambert’s unborn daughter for Precocious puberty until she is born. Even if she is found to have the rare disorder, it will still make her the youngest person to ever become pregnant.

Lambert and her husband, Carl, are naturally very worried about the safety of their baby.

“Doctors told us it was safe to have sex while I was pregnant. Several of my girlfriends told me that they did, and there were no problems at all.” Said Lambert. “We never thought this would happen. Carl is going to be a dad, and a grandpa all at once? I don’t – I mean, who can understand all this? I just worry that my baby won’t make it. Even if she does, I’m too young to be a grandmother.”

Lambert’s doctors say, unbelievably, that both babies seem to be very healthy. When Lambert gives birth to her baby next month, she will be about 6 months pregnant, and is looking at spending her first several months of life in the hospital as doctors determine how best to handle the situation.

“At this point, we don’t know whether Mary’s daughter will survive if she continues to sustain another life inside her.” Said Goldsmith. “All we know is that this is a very rare, very unusual case, and we are taking it day-by-day. So far, Mary and babies are doing fine.”

Casey Anthony, George Zimmerman To Star In New Reality TV Show

Posted on June 22, 2014 by A. Michael Smith

MIAMI, Florida –

Casey Anthony and George Zimmerman have been cast in a new reality series about people who have been acquitted of murder.

The show, which goes by the working title of Beat the System, is being developed by the Investigation Discovery network, and is set to air in the fall of 2014. It will be the first unscripted reality show developed by the ID Network.

The series will star Anthony and Zimmerman, who became friends in real life after they bonded over their recent brushes with the law, and their eventual acquittals of murder.

“I am so happy that Casey and I got offered this reality series.” Said Zimmerman, who was found not guilty for the murder of young teen Trayvon Martin. “We are really excited to start filming next week in Miami.”

Beat the System is going to follow the everyday lives of Anthony and Zimmerman, to get an insight into what it is like after you are found not guilty of a crime that the entire world knows you’ve committed. The ID Network is advertising it as a Kate Plus 8 meets Unsolved Mysteries kind of show.

“George and I became so close after his trial.” Said Anthony, who was acquitted of murdering her young daughter, Caylee. “I began writing to him during his ordeal, offering my support, because I went through the same thing. He wrote back, and we became good friends. I’m so excited for this series. I really want people to see that George and I are just regular people. We grocery shop, go to the movies, and party like everyone else.”

After advertisements for the show hit television networks and YouTube, a backlash of emails began flooding the offices of the ID Network, demanding the show be cancelled before it even starts.

“How dare anyone profit off these heinous crimes.” Said one angry viewer. “These two pieces of filth should be behind bars, and everyone knows it. This show is a disgrace to TV, and I don’t know anyone who will be watching it.”

“These two are famous. In fact, they are more than famous. They’re infamous.” Said Joe Goldsmith, president of the Investigation Discovery Network. “It doesn’t matter how they got to be famous. They are known faces, their backstories are known. What isn’t known, though, is how they deal every day with the same basic things everyone has to. What it’s like for them to be in public and be recognized. We are trying to put a humanitarian face on two people who are very misunderstood.”

“It’s the best thing to come out of all of this tragedy.” Said Anthony. “George and I, we’ve been through so much. Now we can put our pasts to rest and focus on this great new future, this great show.”

Reportedly, an episode is also set to feature Anthony and Zimmerman visiting their mutual friend O.J. Simpson in prison. Simpson was acquitted of murdering his wife and friend almost 2 decades ago, but was recently sentenced to 32 years in prison for his part in an armed robbery.

“I wish that [Simpson] could have been a part of this show on a regular basis. He’s a great guy, and Casey and I owe so much to him.” Said Zimmerman. “I know that he would get a kick out of reality TV.”

The ID Network reportedly stands to make more money off this show than almost all their other programming combined, with advertisers offering upwards of 3 and 4 times the normal rate for a standard 30-second commercial spot during the show. Anthony and Zimmerman also stand to make a small fortune, as each are reportedly earning $100,000 per episode, with 13 episodes ordered for the initial fall/winter season.