ZURICH, Switzerland – 
Some truly bitter news for soccer fans today. After years of debate, the board of trustees for the World Cup committee have come to an agreement, and it’s one that may hurt the USA Soccer team. It has been decided that any team that does not wish to call the sport by what they consider its true name, football, will be immediately banned from competition.
According to representatives of the organization, they feel that it is ‘disrespectful’ to call the sport something that it isn’t, and no other organization would ever stand for this to happen in any other sport.
“It’s like calling a man a woman, or a Korean a Mexican. We just can’t allow it,” Said Prince Ali Bin Al-Hussein, vice-president of FIFA. “The sport is known in more countries as football, and indeed you primarily use your feet to play. Basketball is still basketball no matter what country you’re in. Why is our sport any different?”
The committee stated they felt that out of all the sporting events in this world, besides the Olympics, ‘football’ is one that caters to all nations, big or small.
“f most of the world is on board to play, then they should be on the same page in every aspect of the sport, even the name,” said Al-Hussein. “The name of the sport is football. If anything, the American sport should change their name to something that reflects that sport. I’m suggesting ‘overlong game of toss’ or ‘penalties for everything.'”
“Football is a beautiful sport – and I’m not talking about the American version where men grab butts, wear tights, roll around on the ground with each other,” continued Al-Hussein. “They throw the ball with their hands. Why did they ever even call it football? I’m talking about the truly exciting sport of football, where men run up and down the field for hours, and scoring a goal is so hard that they hug and cheer when even a single point is earned,” said Sepp Blatter, president of FIFA.
There has been no official word by the US team on plans to change their name to the US Football Team, but production has been put in motion by the team owners to create new uniforms and memorabilia. With the US doing as well as they did in last year’s World Cup, franchise owners have said they have ‘no desire’ to miss out on any playing time by something ‘so silly’ as what the team is called.