Go Ask Allison: My Mother-in-Law Tried To Sleep With My Father At My Wedding

DEAR ALLISON,

Sometimes I think my step-mother really holds me back from having any fun. If I ask her if it’s okay to go to movies with friends, she won’t let me unless I do something for her, like the dishes or mow the lawn or any number of other household chores. I am the only one that she makes do this – my two step-brothers and my step-sister get to go out and do whatever they want. Why does she make me do things but they never have to?

-CRYING in COLORADO

Dear Crying,

You don’t have to be such a crybaby, you know. Just do the damn dishes, and then you can go hang out with friends or go to the movies. Your step-mother is letting her kids do things without “paying her” for them because they are the fruit of her loins. Since you were ejected from some other woman’s lovehole, she’s more than likely making you pay for it. No step-mother has ever liked her step-children. Haven’t you ever seen Cinderella? Your best bet is to hurry up and turn 18, so you can tell her exactly where to go, and exactly how to get there.

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate it when people spoil the endings of my favorite TV shows or movies I haven’t seen on social media. Simple question, but how do I get people to stop talking about things before I see them?!

-UGH in UTAH

Dear Ugh,

First, let me congratulate you on coming up with the worst damn pseudonym that I’ve ever seen. “Ugh?” Oh God, you must be 12. Anyway, this might come as a surprise to you, but you could, you know, get the hell off the internet once in a while. You could also stop worrying about TV and movies getting spoiled for you, because they’re just entertainment, and if knowing who died on last night’s episode of Game of Thrones before you’ve had a chance to watch it is ruining your life, I think you’re going to have much, much bigger problems in life the older you get. Good luck in life, Ugh. You’re definitely going to need it.

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DEAR ALLISON,

I got married last week, and my mother-in-law got completely hammered drunk at the wedding. Long story short, she ended up hitting on my still-very-married father. It made my mother extremely upset, and now my husband’s family and my family will have nothing to do with each other. What can I do to reconcile this whole ordeal?
-TOASTED in TULSA

Dear Toasted,

Who cares if your families can’t get along? Do they really have to have anything to do with each other? My husband hasn’t spoken to my side of the family since the wedding four years ago, and he’s never been happier. In case you didn’t know this, in-laws have never gotten along with their son or daughter’s significant other. Or you could play it the complete opposite way and try and get your parents divorced so you can hook up your father and mother-in-law. It could be one big, happy family. It’s really your call. Either way, people do stupid things when drunk. If your mother doesn’t know that, she must be a complete and total stick in the ass…or mud. Whatever floats your boat.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

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