SAN FRANSICO, California – 
San Francisco’s newest eatery boasts the ultimate in Eco-Friendly and Sustainable food sources; Caca-Burger is the first venue in the Bay Area to utilize only the finest recycled fecal matter in its culinary creations. Some food critics, while publicly applauding the innovative approach to cuisine, have said privately they have serious concerns that this will spawn a host of less savory knock offs.
“I’m surprised this was never tried before,” said Caca-Burger owner and head chef Robert Mierda as we relaxed over cups of steaming Asian Palm Civit coffee. “For instance,’ he said, pointing to our coffee cups, “this coffee comes from beans ingested and defecated by a tiny animal in Southeast Asia. Delicious, right? And almost a hundred bucks a pound!”
But is the public ready for a feces-based menu? “Not for everyone, and not as an everyday thing,” answered Mierda, “But our ambiance is ideal for an unusual date night. We also have a special Breakup Menu for Two that will enable someone to breakup with their significant other more easily, especially if the other is at all picky about food. Imagine the fun when they suddenly and dramatically discover that their dietary preferences are incompatible. Our servers refer to the Breakup Menu as ‘The S— Hits the Fan,’ but it does not appear that way on the menu.”
“It’s not so strange, really,” continued Mierda. “Americans have dined on cooked feces for many years. Take shrimp, for instance. Ever wonder what that dark strip on the back of shrimp is, the thing they call the sand vein? It’s the intestinal tract of the shrimp. Yeah, that’s right! And don’t even get me started on sausages! The animals we use are carefully selected for health and fed a balanced feed of grains and fruit only. Our veterinarian examines each animal once a week and should one become ill and require anti-biotics, they are immediately removed from the fecal food chain. Diners need never worry that they will be subjected to anti-biotics and other potentially harmful substances the way they are at too many restaurants in the Bay area.”
Some of the menu items sound tempting, with names like ‘Caca-Burger Supreme with Portobello Mushrooms and Truffle Mayo,’ ‘Flop a l’orange,’ and the extremely straightforward ‘Poop Poop Poop Pudding.’
Reached at the Bay Area Public Health Division, Registered Nurse Jackie Dickson explained the Division’s landmark decision to license the unusual eatery. “It’s really a matter of cultural diversity,” she said. “Each of these menu items has some cultural or historic correlation and Mister Mierda has carefully documented each occurrence. Under Bay Area statutes regarding cultural diversity, our hands are tied. And of course, the food production is routinely inspected by a veterinarian.”
“I guess it’s not that unusual,” she continued. “Do you know about shrimp and that coffee they pass through the cats? People have been doing that for years.”
An informant at the FDA advised us that the agency has taken an interest in the eatery, but they are proceeding with caution. “All this administration needs is a s—storm over something like this, if you’ll pardon the pun. Everyone in the administration is on notice that cultural diversity rules the day and no one wants to get in front of that.”
Caca-Burger is located on Zeitgeist Street in the Mission District. Hours are Noon to 9PM Monday through Saturday. Major credit cards are accepted.