Police Officer Commended, Promoted For Killing Most Civilians In Calendar Year

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BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Charles “Chuck” Jenner has been a Baltimore police officer for just over 5 years, but he says that 2015 has been the “best year of his life” after he was commended and promoted to lieutenant for shooting and killing the most unarmed civilians.

“You see, being a police officer is an extremely tiring and stressful job,” said Jenner in his speech at the police association’s annual Christmas party. “This year, I am so grateful to be honored for my efforts in ridding the streets of Baltimore of as many pieces of human trash possible. It is with great pleasure that I accept my award and promotion for the slaying of over 220 Baltimore dirtbags.”

Cheers erupting from the audience of officers and retired police force members could be heard from around the block, with many residents extremely upset by the police association’s actions.

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“It would be one thing if he’d only shot and killed black people, but he also killed a couple white teens, too,” said Baltimore resident Jim Johnson. “I know they were gang bangers and whatever, but come on – they were white. He should have showed a little more tact in those cases. That said, though, ridding the streets of over 200 people? He deserves that commendation.”

“I for one am outraged that these police are out here, killing with no prejudice whatsoever,” said gang member Crypt Keeper Jay. “Yo, I mean, I gotta watch out for these pigs all the time, because they could just come up and shoot me, and that’s some bullshit. Even the white kids aren’t safe out here. It’s enough to make a motherfucker wanna go back to his job at McDonald’s.”

The next officer in line for a promotion, deputy Mark Rumford, killed only 130 people in the line of duty.

“Better luck next year, I guess,” said Rumford.

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