WASHINGTON, D.C. –
According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.
The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.
“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”
The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.