7-11 Convenience Stores ‘Happy For Endorsement’ From Donald Trump

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a recent speech, candidate Donald Trump made what his camp is referring to as a “slip of the tongue,” and referred to the tragedies on 9/11 as “7-11.” Although the mistake could have happened to anyone, that fact that it happened to someone as nefariously incompetent as Donald Trump made the internet go wild – especially 7/11 Stores.

“We are extremely happy that Mr. Trump is endorsing our stores,” said 7-11 spokesman Brian Jewel. “Although we really wish that it had been someone like Bernie Sanders, we are elated to be a part of the conversation. We would like to say, though, that we want everyone to know that we do not sponsor any one, particular candidate, but, that doesn’t mean that we won’t enjoy when a specific candidate promotes us.”

In response to Trump’s comment about the stores, the entire 7-11 chain is offering one free Slurpee to any customer who comments as “Trump sent me.”

New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

CONCORD, New Hampshire – New 150 oz. Mega-Sized Drinks To Be Released In 7-11 Convenience Stores

One of America’s largest convenience store chains, 7-11, has announced this morning a new item being added to their selection. Joining the company’s flagship Big Gulp cups will be their new size, named the X-Gulp by 7-11 marketing director Bill Hellman.

The 32 ounce Big Gulp remains the most popular size at 7-11 for soda and fountain drinks, with the price staying steadily below a dollar, even during harsh economic times. Seducing more customers every day, The Super Big Gulp, reaching 44 ounces, is also available or those who need an extra kick to their drink. The Double Gulp, which doubles the Big Gulp’s 32 ounce size to a whopping 64 ounces, wholly satisfies the predominant American population.

Recently announced by 7-11, the X-Gulp will be released this fall, marking an even 150 ounces, more than 5 times the size of the Big Gulp, and containing almost 2 gallons of liquid. The cup size is that of a small bucket, and even has a handle for ease in carrying. Already concerned with getting the most ‘bang for their buck,’ some cost-weary customers are concerned that the price will be too high.

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“I can assure everyone, the price for the X-Gulp will be in line with our other sizes,” said Hellman. “The standard Big Gulp is .99 cents at most 7-11 stores. The X-Gulp will actually cost only around $3, less than you’d pay at your local movie theatre for a third of what we’re offering.”

Many consumers are already questioning the absurdity of the product size, rightfully concerned about the cup will fitting in standard drink holders that are found in cars. Despite the concern, though, many 7-11 regulars and purported ‘Big Gulp Aficionados’ are looking forward to the next new size.

“If it comes down to it, I’ll just put the damn cup between my legs once I’m on the road,” said Joe Goldsmith, self-proclaimed Big Gulp Super-fan. “All of the condensation on the outside of the cup might leave an embarrassing mark on my pants, but who cares? When you can get that much soda for such a small price, looking like you’ve pissed yourself should be the least of your worries.”

“I personally think the size is ridiculous,” said Margret Pilsner, president of the Obesity Epidemic Foundation. “Americans are already too fat, and this is just adding to the cause. No one needs 150 ounces of soda in a sitting. My God, you don’t even need that much water in a sitting. I can feel the diabetes killing me just imagining it.”

7-11 representatives say the new size will be made available by the end of September at stores nationwide.

 

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