7-11 Convenience Stores ‘Happy For Endorsement’ From Donald Trump

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NEW YORK CITY, New York – 

During a recent speech, candidate Donald Trump made what his camp is referring to as a “slip of the tongue,” and referred to the tragedies on 9/11 as “7-11.” Although the mistake could have happened to anyone, that fact that it happened to someone as nefariously incompetent as Donald Trump made the internet go wild – especially 7/11 Stores.

“We are extremely happy that Mr. Trump is endorsing our stores,” said 7-11 spokesman Brian Jewel. “Although we really wish that it had been someone like Bernie Sanders, we are elated to be a part of the conversation. We would like to say, though, that we want everyone to know that we do not sponsor any one, particular candidate, but, that doesn’t mean that we won’t enjoy when a specific candidate promotes us.”

In response to Trump’s comment about the stores, the entire 7-11 chain is offering one free Slurpee to any customer who comments as “Trump sent me.”

New Confidential Report Reveals 9/11 Was An Accident, Not Terrorist Attack

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

New leaked documents that were retrieved by Anonymous hackers state that 9/11 was neither an inside job by the government nor a terrorist attack, but merely a coincidence of epic proportions. The text explains that multiple malfunctions caused two planes to crash into the Twin Towers in New York on September 11th, 2001, but that neither were hijacked or crashed on purpose.

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“After through investigation, we have concluded that the planes that hit the World Trade Center at One World Plaza were both malfunctioning, and mechanical error is to blame,” stated the report, classified on September 14th, 2001. “[Named Redacted] has chosen to [redacted information] with the investigation, and that [redacted information] is the plan for release to public.”

Currently, the redacted information that was not in the reports is speculated to be discussing George W. Bush, and his decision to use the events to go to war in Iraq.

“It makes perfect sense that the government would take a terrible tragedy like that, and use it as a means to go to war for oil,” said Washington pundit Joe Goldsmith. “I mean, that’s exactly what happened anyway. It wouldn’t have mattered if it was pilot error, mechanical issues, or actual terrorists – our government used the crashes as an excuse for war; a war we’re still fighting, unnecessarily, 15 years later.”

9/11 Mastermind Escapes From Guantanamo Bay Prison, Country On High Alert

 

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GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba – 

Although many people associate Osama Bin Laden as the “mastermind” behind the 9/11 attacks, another name may be slightly less recognized, although equally as important in the history of the crime: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mohammed has been commonly referred to as the “principal architect” of the 9/11 attacks on the United States, and was arrested by the US government after confessing to his role at the end of 2003. Sources at Guantanamo are now saying, though, that Mohammed has escaped from prison, and that he is likely headed back to U.S. soil.

“During these times of violent terrorist attacks, which are happening more frequently throughout the world, many citizens of the United States are naturally very worried,” said Department of Justice spokesman Carl Reiner. “With the escape of Khalid Mohammed, they should be extremely worried, as despite his old, feeble, mind and tortured, weakened body from years of abuse in Guantanamo, he is still a terrorist mastermind, and we are all on high alert.”

According to the DOJ, Mohammed has “every intention” of continuing his reign of terror on the United States, as he was a confessed war criminal, responsible for the 9/11 attacks, the World Trade Center bombing, the Richard Reid shoe bombing, and many other crimes against the United States and other countries.

“He was facing the death penalty, and he knew it,” said Reiner. “He was appealing his conviction, but there was no way a group of American citizens, military or otherwise, would ever let him live. He was scared, and he ran. We cannot, at this time, discuss the circumstances surrounding his escape, but we caution that people should be on high alert, and watch out for anyone fitting Mohammed’s description.”

Khalid Mohammed is described as “looks like he’s an old, Muslim terrorist,” despite having been born in Kuwait and not being a Muslim.

“Frankly, we’re aware Americans can’t tell the difference between a real terrorist and the guy who runs their local 7-11, so just be aware, and be vigilant,” said Reiner.

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Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

WHEATON, Illinois – Landmark Settlement Reached In Moist Towelette Disfigurement Case

Like millions of Americans, Charlotte Buckner enjoys feeling fresh.  Sometimes that means using a Wash’N’Wipe moist towlette when she’s traveling on the road.  Unlike millions of Americans, Charlotte was recently awarded $6.4 million in damages from Wash’N’Wipe Industries.

“I rubbed myself raw,” said Charlotte, 51. “I was late for an appointment to show our new product line to some vendors.” Charlotte is product manager for a line of negative pressure ventilators, more commonly known as iron lungs. “It was very hot that day and I was dragging the ventilator in and out of my car, up and down stairways – I was so out of breath by the time I got to the last appointment, I felt like crawling in the thing myself.”

Reaching for her handy Wash’N’Wipes, Charlotte decided to “freshen up” before applying a new layer of makeup.  “I wiped my face just like I always do, and I didn’t realize my Wash’N’Wipe was actually very dry. I was just so oily and sweaty. I have combination skin.”

The next thing she knew, her face felt as though it was burning.  “My face felt like it was on fire,” said Buckner. “I felt burning, and looked in the mirror.  I had all sorts of red and blue marks on my face and I immediately called 911.  I didn’t know where the nearest hospital was, but they gave me directions. I ran in screaming.  They gave me all sorts of shots and eventually the pain went away, but all the red marks were still there.  I had to cancel the appointment with the vendor, and we lost the account.”

Charlotte returned home and hired a lawyer. “Originally, I was just going to sue for my hospital bills, but my attorney said ‘go for it,’ so I did.  We sued for permanent damage to my face. With makeup, I can hide the scars, but I still look terrible. I frighten children now.”

Has Charlotte stopped using Wash’N’Wipes? “All I can say is that I did enjoy my Wash’N’Wipes for many years before this unfortunate incident, which impaired my ability to fulfill my business duties causing irreparable harm.”

A representative from Wash’N’Wipe Industries told Empire News that the company stands by their product and has millions of satisfied customers.  “The packaging must have been damaged during shipping,” said the spokesperson.

Charlotte plans on taking an early retirement as a result of her windfall.  “It’s about time I got out of the iron lung game,” she said. “Sales never bounced back since the polio vaccine was invented, so I’m going to enjoy what’s left of my disfigured life.”

TSA Bans Eyeglasses, Contacts From Airplanes

ARLINGTON, Virginia – empire-news-tsa-bans-glasses-contacts-from-all-flights

In an ongoing effort to ensure the vitality of an American people’s trust in the air travel industry, the TSA has released an amended list of unacceptable items to carry on flights. In addition to socks and belts, the TSA has now declared that both eye glasses and contact lenses are considered to be a threatening item, and will no longer be allowed on either national or international flights with a point of origin or destination in the United States. In an official statement by the agency, the decision to label such commonplace items as contraband was illuminated.

“In every instance of terrorism which we’ve seen in the last fifty years, an alarming 100% of them relied on eyesight to carry out their goals.” Said TSA representative Marsha Cole. “Our intelligence from several agencies has shown, time and again, that terrorists can actually see their intended targets, allowing them to carry out their goals with one less layer of chance to overcome. We have therefore classified any item which corrects eyesight to be a potential terrorist threat, and have asked American citizens to please make allowances for lack of sight in the interest of national security. Remember, if the terrorists can’t see us, then they haven’t won.”

The decree has angered several alleged watchdog groups, as well the American Foundation for the Blind and the American Seniors Association. Washington speculators, however, are quick to dismiss the concerns of citizens groups who protect individuals without 20/20 eyesight. Peering Toms, a security and counterterrorist thinktank which supplies reporting to several national agencies, came to the defense of the TSA decision.

“In every instance, in every field of combat and theater of operations, sight is the one common factor to any combat units objectives. If we don’t let the terrorists look at where they are, they can’t decide where to attack. It’s easy to see. Well, with good vision it is.”

Bloggers have been heavily divided in their support or criticism, with most of the right-wing writing in support of what is colored as a ‘slight infringement.’

“Is it an inconvenience? Sure,” Stated blogger MinuteManOrLess. “But I’m no more inconvenienced when I have to get up in the middle of the night and find my way to (the can) without my glasses. I don’t NEED to see all the time! Sure, the blue-blood bleeding hearts talk about infringement on their civil liberties, but think about this: Why do you NEED to see, if you’re not plotting a violent coup or taking over a plane to fly into a building? If you have noting to hide and no plans to thwart, where’s the harm in stumbling to your seat?”

The TSA, meanwhile, has since put in place provisions to have corrective eyewear held by flight attendants while on-board, and returned with passengers luggage.

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