President Trump Pardons Himself For Years of Sexual Assaults and Abuse

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Trump pardoned himself this morning for what he says are years of “alleged” sexual assault accusations, as well as rumblings of abuse. Despite the President not being formally charged with any crimes, many women have accused him of sexual misconduct over the years, all of which he has denied.

“In the wake of my good friend, Mister Harvey Weinstein, being viciously attacked by the media over abuse charges, I felt it was time to act in advance of any legal or civil charges being lobbied my way,” said President Trump. “Although I adamantly deny that I have ever been sexually inappropriate with any woman, especially the ugly ones who always accuse me of doing so, I have fully pardoned myself of any and all crimes and charges.”

While it was pointed out to the president that he could neither pardon himself, nor could he pre-pardon someone for crimes they have not been charged with, Trump remained steadfast in his decision that he had been fully pardoned.

‘Suppernanny’ Slips Up, Allegedly Hits Child

LOS ANGELES, California – 

Nanny Jill Pryeo allegedly lost her temper and spanked “a particularly vile” 8-year-old, Janna Cornell, and refuses to apologize.

In the episode, which originally aired April 2011, Janna swears, hits or spits snot at anyone who tries to tell her what to do. She is so aggressive she was kicked out of her elementary school, and now has to be home schooled by her mother. The Cornell family has not come forward in the five years since the incident, but former executive producer, Nick Powell, has said the could not live with this secret any longer.

Nick says Supernanny told the child to go to the naughty mat, she refused and spit in the nanny’s face. Pryeo smacked Janna in the face, and told her not to do this sort of thing, an incident that allegedly happened off camera.

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“Lot’s of work goes on behind the scenes. Pryeo makes it look easy, but it’s really not. Some of these kids with oppositional defiant disorder require some special treatment in the production of the show. We couldn’t make miracles happen. No one woman can clean up years of poor parenting choices over the course of a few days. Sometimes we might turn the cameras off and give the kids incentives to go along with the program. Gift cards. Name brand clothes. Twizzlers. This little brat wanted none of it.”

Another nanny from the show, Nanny Jo Frost, has said Nick Powell is just telling another one of his lies to get attention. “I, too, would refuse to apologize. I never spanked a single child in all 14 seasons of my show in the UK or the US. I highly doubt any other nanny did either.”

ABC representatives are refusing to comment on the alleged incident. Janna Cornell could not be reached for comment, but according to court dockets, is still a problem child. She is now serving a sentence in juvenile hall after kicking a neighbor’s cat when her cell phone broke.

Man Assaults Nephew With 12 Point Buck Trophy

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WATERVILLE, Maine – 

Brad Reed learned the hard way not horse around in the house after knocking his uncle, Jacob Reed’s, prize buck head off the wall. Brad and friend Kenny Williams were fighting for a video game controller when Brad knocked Williams into the deer head. Brian says he “didn’t know what to do with it,” so they set it on the couch and fled.

Brad returned alone later, and found his uncle was waiting for him. “I could tell he was drunk the way he was petting the deer and talking to it,” says Brad. “I told him we tried to put it back together but needed superglue.”

Jacob Reed then allegedly threatened his nephew with the detached antler, demanding Brad bend over and take it in the behind. When the boy refused, Jacob beat him with the antler.

Brad’s mother Shirley Reed says they will not press charges. “Well, the boy got what he deserved, but I for one am glad I don’t have to look at that damn deer head anymore. Only supposed to be hanging on our wall till Jacob found a place of his own. Well it’s been three years, and he’s still on our Goddamn couch.”

Community Celebrates Drug Addict’s Death

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JAMAICA PLAIN, Massachusetts –

A candlelight vigil is planned for Friday to both mourn and celebrate the loss of 25-year-old Lawrence Brennan, who died of a heroin overdose last week.

Organizer John Higdon explains that while it is sad when an addict dies resulting from an addiction, it is also a relief. “It’s even worse when they continue to hurt others. Of course we want them to get better, but if there’s anything I have learned in my years as a drug counselor, most of the time there’s not much reason to hope they ever will.”

Lawrence’s Mother, Loretta Brennan, says, “I wish all addicts a peaceful passing. Of course I would never have wished for my son to die, but now that he has, it’s like a weight off all our shoulders. To me the person he was died five years ago when he got hooked on alcohol and heroin. The son I used to have would never pawn my jewelry or puke all over himself at our 4th of July barbeque. The sweet boy who played football and helped me do the dishes – that’s the boy I am grieving for now.”

Although the family supports the celebration theme of the vigil, other members of the community say the feel it is inappropriate.

U.S. Teens Abusing Epidurals In Dangerous New Drug Trend

CONCORD, New Hampshire – 

Already stricken with a massive heroin epidemic, many towns in New England are shocked to hear of a dangerous new trend by their local teenage drug users – unregulated epidurals.

The drug, given to pregnant women as an injection in the spine during childbirth, provides an almost completely immobile state, and teens say it’s one of the “best highs” they’ve ever experienced.

“Oh hell yeah man, I’ve done the Eps a few times now, and it’s fucking great,” said Joey Goldsmith, 16. “I used to just smoke weed, maybe some ‘shrooms once in a while, but then my buddy turned me onto Eps, and I can’t get enough of it. Your whole body goes numb, you can’t move. Hell, sometimes I even shit myself without knowing it. Best high ever, bro.”

Doctors say that epidurals, although mostly safe under controlled conditions in hospitals, does carry risks, especially when being injected by non-experienced users.

“Heroin was bad enough. We see so many ODs, but we also get infections from bad injections,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, of the Concord General Hospital in Concord, New Hampshire. “With epidurals, the needle actually has to go directly into the spine, and it’s very complicated. Someone could be permanently paralyzed if they were injected improperly.”

“I’ve had probably 15 epidurals this week alone,” said user Joanne Couch, 14. “It’s really intense. I can’t move my legs at all, and I can barely move my hands. Lots of times, I take it, and then the guys I’m with have sex with me, but I can’t stop them, because I can’t move. I guess it’s rape, but I don’t really mind, because Eps are awesome. So much fun having someone stick you in the spine. It’s like tickles all over, but on the inside. It’s fun!”

Health officials warn that if your teen is taking epidurals, they may have some severe mental health problems.

“Ask your children if they have experienced an epidural, or Eps, as the kids call it, and get them help immediately,” said Brown.

Foster Parents ‘Rent Out’ Child In Exchange For Crack

Foster Parents 'Rent Out' Child In Exchange For Crack

BALTIMORE, Maryland – 

Think you had bad parents? Reggie and Amanda Knowlton have been charged with criminal neglect and child endangerment after allegedly “renting” there foster child, whose name has not been released, to settle drug debt.

Although neither party has commented, the pair allegedly alerted police when their daughter had been missing for five days.  Police became suspicious of their involvement in the kidnapping when the couple admitted the girl had gone with her “uncle Larry” for a visit, days before, and that it had taken this long for them to file a missing persons report.

The twelve year old girl was recovered from Larry Cosley’s van, when local police happened upon his vehicle in an abandoned lot. Officer Brown says the girl is receiving medical care for the alleged rape. “She’s still in shock. Cosley did not admit to any crimes involving the girl, but when crack cocaine was discovered, he did admit to holding the girl as collateral until he was paid.”

Text messages tell a different story.  The Knowltons appear to have agreed to trade her for one night to settle past debt. They then agreed to let her stay another night if she would be returned the next day with “an eight ball” of cocaine.

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

Shire Pharmaceutical Company Announces Plans To Release Adderall As Over-The-Counter Medication

DETROIT, Michigan –

Shire, PLC, the company that manufacturers the prescription drug Adderall, has reportedly reached an agreement with the federal government to have their drug’s schedule 2 status removed, and allow for over-the-counter purchases in stores. Currently, Adderall, which is used in the treatment of ADHD in children, teens, and adults, is only available through prescription from a doctor or license medical professional.

“We have finally reached an agreenement with the necessary agencies and we can announce that Adderall will become fully available, in multiple strengths, in an OTC, or over-the-counter manner, starting later this year,” said Shire spokesman Andy Roider. “We as a company feel that most people know when they have attention or focusing problems, but they need to see a doctor to get a prescription, and that’s a hassle. This will cut out the middle man.”

Adderall, which is one of – if not the most – abused prescription drugs in the United States, is commonly taken by high school and college-aged students who want to stay awake for long periods of time, whether it be to study or to party.

“Oh man, I took like 400mg of Addie the other day,” said high school junior Mark Dodson. “I’ve been up since Saturday. Seriously, it’s fucking awesome. I love Adderall. But they’re like $10 a pill right now, and it’s insane. I can’t wait for them to be legal to just buy. I’ll get mine at Wal-Mart in bulk. It’s going to be so amazing.”

Many parents are upset that their children will have regular access to the drug, and say that it’s only going to increase the amount of kids who are abusing it.

“It’s bad enough that they legalized weed in Colorado where we live, now they’re going to just let my kid start taking pills legally, too?” said a mother of a 15-year-old teenage girl, Kelsey, in Aspen. “I’ve gotten Kelsey off of marijuana, cigarettes, booze, tar, crack, and molly – now I’m going to have to get her off her anticipated Adderall addiction. Wow, thanks big pharma.”

The drug is slated to be downgraded in the fall, pending government sign-off.

Colorado Teens Injecting Marijuana To Get High

BOULDER, Colorado – Colorado-Teens-Injecting-Marijuana-To-Get-High-Empire-News

In a state where marijuana sales and use has only recently become legal, teens and young adults are already finding new ways of abusing the substance to get as high as quickly, and with as much strength, as possible. The new trend among teenage users is to actually inject marijuana in the same way someone would heroin or cocaine, shooting it directly into the bloodstream.

“I’ve been smoking weed for so long, it just doesn’t do the trick anymore.” Said Lucas Davis, a 20 year old from Boulder. “I went on to dabs, and then to other more potent versions of weed, just trying to get as high as [expletive], ya know? Nothing has worked as well as just shooting that [expletive] right into my arm.”

Doctors have already cautioned worried parents that if they aren’t quick to stop their kids from injecting marijuana, they may see an epidemic of young people addicted to the drug.

“These kids who inject, they are far, far more likely to become addicted to marijuana than someone who just smokes it.” Said Dr. Michael Raymond, a surgeon at Bridgeton Memorial Hospital just outsider Boulder. “Weed is an immensely addictive drug. Patients of ours who smoke marijuana have reported that they became addicted almost immediately upon trying it for the first time, and most have to go through months of drug rehabilitation before they kick their addiction – and that is just the people who smoke it. Kids who are shooting up marijuana, they are headed down a serious drug path.”

Despite warnings from doctors and other medical professionals, most teens say they aren’t worried about the repercussions of injecting marijuana.

“I don’t get the fuss with weed, man. It’s all about chilling out, maybe eating a box of Zebra Cakes and watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix. It’s not like I have a real drug problem.” Said Derek Paul, a teenager from Aspen, Colorado. “Sure, I get paranoid when I’m high sometimes, but I stopped smoking and switched to banging [injecting] it because sometimes I’d cough so damn much when hitting the bong I thought my lungs were bleeding. This works better. It feels so [expletive] good to get high, you know? It feels really damn good.”

Worried parents in  Colorado, as well as other parts of the country, have formed an online support group for people with children addicted to shooting up marijuana. The private Facebook group, Parents Against Marijuana Abuse, or PAMA, already has over 6,000 members.

“You have all really given me so much support through these troubled times in my son’s life.” Said Erin Silver, who posted to the group’s page. “My boy Marcus overdosed while shooting up marijuana, and he almost died. When I showed him all the parents on here, people from all over the country who were scared for their children’s lives, he quit his weed abuse cold turkey. He’s been off marijuana now for 2 weeks. I am so proud of him.”

“I’m not worried about what doctors say,” said Davis. “I just like the way it feels, and I’ll do whatever it takes to get the best high I can. Oh hey, have you seen my box of Bugles anywhere?”

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abusive Comments

Local Moms to Let Go of the Soccer Excuse and Simply Get Together to Gossip and Shout Abuse

 

SUBURBIA, United States – 

In a hammer blow to the growth of soccer in the United States, the nation’s moms have reportedly decided to let go of their long-time excuse and simply meet up to gossip and scream insults at each other. The move comes amid rumors of waning interest and unrest from the kids forced to play the sport.

“I don’t hate soccer,” said Eamonn Rogers, 12. “But it’s such a drag to hear mom shouting at my coach every week, making him play me in every game while she talks to Stan’s mom about my teachers giving me bad grades.”

Stan was quick to come out in support of his friend’s comments.

“I know my mom loves shouting at people,” he told Empire News. “She’s always doing it at home. Soccer has given her the perfect excuse to do so in public, and it’s quite embarrassing to be around. I’m quite relieved that shit is over.”

Chairperson of the local Union of Soccer Moms (USM), Tracey Povich, spoke on behalf of her friends and colleagues, in telling a press conference that “this has been a long time coming. The format of the games – an hour at most, with us having to watch out for stuff to remark to our kids about – does not facilitate good gossip time. We’ve now decided that an afternoon at the park is a better way to bitch about our ‘friends’ and shout at random people walking by.”

The MLS, however, is not impressed by the news, saying it will damage the sport, possibly irreparably, tarnishing America’s status in the game among the rest of the world in the process. However, some coaches have welcomed the news, saying that “at least we’ll no longer get pissy little brats who think their parents can get them into the squad. Having to deal with entitled mothers, used to bossing coaches around, is one of the worst parts of the profession. Sometimes we just give in to them, that’s why our league is still so bad.”

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

Dog Kills Owner After Being Forced To Lick Peanut Butter From His Groin

 

BATON ROUGE, Louisiana –

Thomas May, age 46, died early Friday morning in his Baton Rouge home. May’s death was caused by his dog, in a brutal attack that neighbors are saying they aren’t at all surprised to finally see happen.

“He would leave his dog out for hours upon hours, and personally I have never seen him feed the dog or pick up any of his droppings,” said Claire Devin, who has lived next to May for 5 years. “He has had the dog for as long as I have lived here, and I did call animal control on him several times. It appears my calls never worked because I never witnessed anyone come check his home for animal cruelty. Tom was a lonely man, he never had company, and the only time I would see him was when he would came out of his home to grab his paper, always just in his underwear.”

Police found May brutally attacked in his living room, with his pants around his ankles and peanut butter covering his groin. It appears from a DNA sample that the dog was licking the peanut butter off of May before attacking his neck and killing him.

Normally, under state law, a dog that attacks has to be put down, but a judge made an exception in the case of May’s dog, who was named Taco.

“He was going to be put down, but a local family heard the story and decided to adopt the dog. I have decided to spare the dog’s life, as it is clear he was under heavy strain and probably abuse, and that is why he attacked Thomas May,” said Judge Joe Goldsmith. “The family says that they have already bonded with Taco, and that the Chihuahua has become fast friends with their children, and their other pets.”

 

 

 

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