Oscars Telecast To Feature Only Black People, Minorities In Audience


LOS ANGELES, California – 

The Oscars have been under fire for several years for not having many representatives of color appear in any of the awards categories, especially when it comes to acting awards and Best Picture.

This year, the Academy has fought back, saying that although there still aren’t many minorities represented within the awards categories, they will fill all the seats in the audience with “blacks and other minorities.”

“Normally, the seats around the stage are filled with the celebrities, who are, naturally, white people,” said Oscars telecast director Joe Lambert. “This year, the Academy wanted to do something different, so we’re having all the people who will actually win the awards – that is, the white, talented people – sit way in the back, and in the balconies. The front seats will be filled be a slew of ‘seat fillers,’ which we have every year anyway so in case George Clooney runs to the crapper, the seats all still look full on TV. This year, the difference is that every single seat filler that we hired is blacker than the ace of spades.”

When questioned about where Denzel Washington would be seated, as he actually is nominated this year for his film, Fences, Lambert said he “couldn’t be sure,” but he thought that the Academy wanted Denzel seated with the whites “this time.”

The Oscars are slated for February 26th, and will be broadcast on ABC.

Leak Of 2016 Oscar Winners Hits Internet Only Hours Before Event

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

LOS ANGELES, California –

The 2016 Oscar ceremony, hosted by Chris Rock, is only hours away, but you don’t even have to sit through the 4-hour long rambling this year to find out if Leo Dicaprio is taking home the gold (spoiler alert: he is!) In an extremely unprecedented breach of security, the list of winners – which is safeguarded by Price-Waterhouse – was leaked to the internet late Saturday evening.

“This is truly and utterly devastating,” said Price-Waterhouse chairman Jon Mitchell. “For over 50 years, we have been able to keep a lid on the names of the winners until the moment that the envelope opens on stage. We have no idea how the winners were leaked, and we are working diligently to find the source.”

ABC, the channel who airs the Oscar telecast, said they are “extremely upset” by the leak, as it means much lower ratings than normal. Couple the leak with a year where the #OscarsSoWhite hashtag was causing many to boycott the event, and it seems that there may be a lot fewer people both showing up, and tuning into, the event on Sunday evening.

“It’s disappointing, really, and we are scrambling to make sure that the show goes on, and goes off, without a hitch,” said Chris Rock, host. “I’ll still be out there, doing my thing, but it’s a shame, really, that the anticipation of the night is gone.”


Interested to see who will be taking home a trophy tonight?

Academy Spokesman Responds To #OscarsSoWhite Hashtag, Says ‘Black People Can’t Act’


HOLLYWOOD, California – 

In the wake of the Academy Award nominations being released on Thursday, an old hashtag of #OscarsSoWhite re-appeared again on social media, as everyone receiving a nomination in the acting category was Caucasian.

“Every time we announce the nominees, we got a swarm of negativity, and there’s not much we can do about that,” said Academy spokesman Joe Goldsmith. “We aren’t choosing the nominees, the members of the Screen Actors Guild are doing that. It’s of no surprise to us, though, that all the nominees are white, since it’s a well known fact that the blacks can’t act for shit.”

After the comments were made by Goldsmith to the press, a new hashtag of #BoycottTheOscars began to circulate, with many people, including major celebrities, planning on tuning out when it comes to the award ceremony.

“It’s crazy as hell that some cracker thinks that black people can’t act,” said Jamal Richards of Los Angeles. “Ain’t they ever seen a damn Morgan Freeman movie? Ain’t they ever seen Denzel? That motherfucker is amazing. Hell the damn Globes awards people gave him some lifetime achievement and shit. It’s crazy as hell what they doing.”

Even industry insiders were a little confused as to the nominations, and actors like O’Shea Jackson and Samuel L. Jackson both received incredible reviews for their parts in Straight Outta Compton and The Hateful Eight, respectively.

Academy Plans To Expand Oscar Ceremony To 10 Hours In 2016

Academy Standing Strong Behind Nominating 'Old White Men' For Oscars

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

If you’ve been waiting patiently for 2016 so you can watch your favorite films win an Oscar in the ceremony, you best be prepared to settle in for a long night.

According to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, the group behind the Oscars, they have expanded the length of the telecast and ceremony from approximately 3 hours to over 10.

“The problem is, we have a lot of awards that we like to give away, and we have a lot of long-winded speeches that we normally have to cut off,” said Academy president Joel Mitchell. “This year, we decided that we didn’t want to cut down any time at all. What you will watch will be exactly what they see in the audience, and even better, no one will have to have their speech time cut down.”

“This is incredible, really, to me,” said previous Oscar winner Quentin Tarantino. “As people know, I like to talk, and when I won my Oscar, I would have loved to give more unnecessary opinions on things that don’t matter, and now, going forward, whoever wins will also have that opportunity. It’s really fantastic. I hope I’m nominated again this year. Even more, I hope I win!”

The Academy also says that they will be upping the nominees for best picture from 10 to 40.

“It may make it more difficult for people to decide, but in the end, this is really just a way for Hollywood to jerk itself off for one night each year,” said Mitchell.

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women ‘Too Stupid’ To Appreciate Film

50 Shades Of Grey Tanks At Box Office, Studio Says Women 'Too Stupid' To Appreciate Film

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Following a disappointing opening weekend at the box office, studio executives made a rarely-seen move to critique their audience. According to executives at the Universal and Focus studios, fans were simply “too stupid” to understand the film they were making.

“Women generally cannot understand the high-brow sophistication that is involved with dominance and power” said executive David Rosenthal. “We looked at all angles and aspects of how they movie could play out. We tend to know what’s best for women and so we were rather surprised that they showed any level of defiance when it comes to this project.”

While there were women who enjoyed the film, statistics showed they were usually middle-aged fugglies that no man wanted anyways. This would explain the eagerness for re-buy viewers who wanted to watch the film two or more times. However, executives stated they were uninterested in fatties as much as they were uninterested in feminazis that hate the film categorically.

“A woman with no spine is as bad as a woman with no brain,” stated Rosenthal.

“But I’m getting pretty tired of these Women’s Rights dummies at their rallies, natter on about how our movie is ‘disrespectful to women’ and how we’re ‘out of touch with women’. I mean, did you see the book sales? Obviously we know exactly what women want. The problem is that when faced with reality, they become defense. Quite frankly, because they are dumb.”

As one would expect, women’s right advocates are upset at the tone of executives like Rosenthal.

“The reason we do not care for the movie has nothing to do with women’s rights,” said Claire Dempsey of the Women First: Equal Rights for Women Movement. “We dislike the film because it was poorly done, rushed into production, and lacks the essence of the story.”

She continued, “If the movie was well written, well acted, or well directed, we would say so. It was not. The movie was a mess.”

50 Shades of Grey has since already been given a nod by the academy, and is said to be likely to receive at least three nominations for the 2016 Academy Awards for writing, acting, and directing.

Said Rosenthal of the comment and subsequent Academy nod, “See? Women are dumb.”

Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio ‘Retroactive’ Oscars For Past Performances


Academy To Give Leonardo DiCaprio 'Retroactive' Oscars For Past Performances

HOLLYWOOD, California – 

After two decades of stellar work in the acting field, Leonardo DiCaprio may finally be receiving the award he deserves. The Academy has hinted at the actor being given retroactive awards for his many Oscar-worthy performances. The news comes from a verified anonymous source in the Academy that stated the members could no longer deny the many mistakes they’ve made in overlooking the actor.

“Quite frankly, there came a point where we were doing ourselves a disservice by passing him up over and over again,” the source explained. “If you miss one or two solid performances, it can always be chalked up to there being such a wide pool of talent. But with DiCaprio, we found ourselves simply overlooking too many great performances. So it is time we atone for our earlier mistakes.”

With humble beginnings on television, it was likely impossible for anyone to know just how grand DiCaprio’s career would become. Even less probable was the number of times the actor would be overlooked for great work. The earlier half of his film career was filled with heart-throb roles. However, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape was a riveting performances that the young actor failed to cash in on. That nomination came in 1994 for best supporting actor, but was a curious loss to Tommy Lee Jones for his role in The Fugitive, a role identical to every other role that Tommy Lee Jones has ever played.

The Aviator, Blood Diamond, and The Wolf of Wall Street also all failed to earn DiCaprio an Oscar after being nominated. What is worse, some of his very best performances were wholly overlooked by the Academy – DiCaprio’s roles in The Departed, Shutter Island, and Django Unchained were each undeniable forces that were ignored by those holding a vote.

Now the Academy looks to make good on their oversights by handing the actor six Oscars for the various opportunities missed. According to the source, the former winners will be allowed to keep their awards as well.

When reached for comment, DiCaprio could not be understood over the background sounds of many jovial models, money being thrown around, and tropical island waves splashing against a giant yacht.

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