Actress Stacy Dash of ‘Clueless’ Fame Accused of ‘Turning Against Race’

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HOLLYWOOD, California – 

Actress Stacey Dash’s recent controversial remarks have made many say she has “turned against her race.” Dash recently denounced BET network and Black History Month, saying these institutions segregate instead of integrate, and criticized double standards that benefit black people.

Rapper Bun B made remarks on his Instagram accusing Dash of hating her black skin and heritage. He says Dash is “as whack as those white kids who couldn’t spell nigga right in their school photo.”

African-Americans who were surveyed said BET and Black History month are here to stay. “We fought for double standards like affirmative action and the BET awards. They’ll pry take Black History Month from my cold dead hands,” said Bun B.

Others say, “Wasn’t that the actress from Clueless? How is what she has to say even relevant? And who the fuck is Bun B?”

Betty White Found Not Dead At Her California Home On 94th Birthday

Actress Betty White, 92, Diagnosed With Hookworms

LOS ANGELES, California –

Betty White, the beloved actress who is best known as Rose on the popular 80s sitcom The Golden Girls was found not dead in her home in California on Sunday, where she celebrated her 94th birthday with friends and family.

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Although often the butt of death hoaxes and pranks but internet websites, the 94-year-old entertainer was in good spirits, and was alive and well Sunday, where she ate cake and ice cream with friends, and enjoyed a beautiful California day with her family and animals.

“Oh, it’s just a great day to be alive,” said White. “It’s my birthday, I’ve got my health and all this love from my family, friends, and pets. It’s amazing to have lived this long.”

White says that she is still “going strong” and hopes to release more TV shows, and possibly a movie or two this year.

“I’ve never done a good, gritty action movie or anything like that,” said White. “Here’s hoping I can get a role in a good rough-and-tumble flick with someone like Chris Pratt. What a hunk!”

Fans of White say that it’s absolutely incredible that she has lived so long, especially after a rash of celebrity deaths this month.

“I believe she may very well live forever,” said Golden Girls megafan Jerome Myers. “I certainly hope she does!”

Actress, Singer Tila Tequila Gets Cosmetic Surgery To Make Her Appear Pregnant

LAS VEGAS, Nevada – Actress Tila Tequila Gets Cosmetic Surgery To Make Her Appear Pregnant

Actress, porn star, singer, and TV personality Tila Tequila has undergone a new type of cosmetic surgery not well-known in this country. Although popular in places like Mexico and Uganda, Tequila’s ‘pregnancy implant’ is the first of its kind as performed by plastic surgeons in the United States.

Tequila says that she got the implant because she thought that “looking pregnant” was sexy, and that the new faux-bump would give her the look without all the ‘messy after effects’ that come with having a baby.

“Pregnant women are so unbelievably sexy,” said Tequila. “Something about a woman carrying a baby really turns me on. I always wanted to have that look, but I’ll be damned if I wanted to actually have to go through the whole process of pushing a baby out of my vajay. I’ve got a living to make, and that living is underwritten by how tight my stomach, abs, and vagina are. This surgery is the next best thing to actually getting all preggers.”

Tequila’s surgeon, Dr. Joseph Goldsmith, said that the fake pregnancy bump was actually designed to only last about 9 months, and it would slowly ‘deflate’ after.

“It’s not your typical implant, like a breast implant, that is there forever. This type of implant is designed to be very large for the same duration as a typical pregnancy, then slowly disintegrate back into the body afterwards. The actual implant itself is made from human tissue and water capsules, and is all completely safe.”

For now, Tequila says she is enjoying her ‘baby bump,’ and says that maybe someday she will want to have a baby for real.

“In the mean time, though, I can still party hard and get all the attention I’ve always been used to, but now everyone will really want to screw me.”

Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

LOS ANGELES, California – Daytime TV Mogul Oprah Winfrey, 60, Confirms Pregnancy

Amid speculation that Oprah Winfrey is sporting a conspicuous baby bump, the queen of media announced this morning that she will be giving birth to a baby girl. Winfrey turned 60 years old this year.

Sources close to Winfrey say she is thrilled, and can’t wait for the surgery to have the bundle of joy excised in a minimally invasive surgery to take place in February. “I wish I could move the appointment to tomorrow, but I’m afraid she’ll show up without taste buds and eyelashes, or missing several fingers or something,” The Big O gushed in a recent interview.

Stedman Graham, Oprah’s boyfriend since 1986, is reportedly not the father, as the pair were way too old to get pregnant naturally. Curiously, instead of the couple claiming the baby together as parents, Oprah has decided instead to name life-long best friend Gayle King as the baby’s father for ‘public purposes.’ On being a new father, King reportedly stated, “I never wanted children myself, but if it makes Oprah happy, it’s all worth it! And being baby-daddy to a billionaire’s kid doesn’t hurt either!”

As excited as she is to become a parent and have someone to pass her extreme wealth onto after she passes, it’s well-documented that at Oprah’s advanced age, risks of possible complications for both the mother and unborn child are significant.

According to Dr. Jan Foster, M.D., an obstetrician who did not treat Oprah; “I personally would advise her that she is exceptionally vulnerable to complications that can lead to preeclampsia, a potentially fatal condition. Plus the child could develop a learning disability, blindness, or worse.”

But the once daytime TV giant’s determination is unshakable.

“I look better than I did in the 80s, and I’m pretty sure my uterus does too. I may be 60, but I feel like a million dollars. Hell, I feel like 3 billion dollars – and I would know exactly what that feels like, too! Now –  you get a car, and you get a car, and you get a car!” Said Oprah, casually handing away Lexus sedans to anyone standing near her. “This is just the happiest I’ve ever been in my life!”

When asked if a name had been chosen, Winfrey replied, beaming, “I’ll either name her after my Grandmother Hattie Mae, or Harpo after my production company. Hattie Mae is a little old-fashioned, so I think Harpo might be the way to go!”

We reached out to Oprah’s long-time friend and mentor, writer Maya Angelou for comment, but a rep for the author stated that she was ‘dead,’ and as such was unavailable.

Fran Drescher-Narrated Audiobook Banned by National Association of the Deaf

HOLLYWOOD, California – Fran Drescher-Narrated Audiobook Banned by National Association of the Deaf

It is not “the best of times” for comedic actress and TV star Fran Drescher, most famous for her role as ‘Fran Fine,’ on CBS’ The Nanny, which ran on CBS from 1993–1999.

The distinctively nasally voiced Drescher decided to self-produce and narrate an audiobook version of Charles Dickens’ A Tale of Two Cities, after being turned down by major producers and effectively blacklisted by SAG-AFTRA, The Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists.

“I wanted to branch out,” said 56-year-old Drescher from her Hollywood Hills home.  “I’ve done comedy, I’ve done Broadway, I’ve done movies, and so one day I was joking around and I said to my producing partner ‘Wouldn’t it be funny if I narrated a book?’  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa.  Then I started thinking about it and really decided to do it.  Crazy right?  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa,” she said.

Christopher Wagner, President of the National Association of the Deaf, led the movement for a nationwide ban on the audiobook.  “Approximately .4 percent of the United States population is functionally deaf.  That’s roughly 1 million people.  For God’s sake, isn’t that enough?” Wagner asked.

A petition, largely driven by social media, gathered over 6,000,000 electronic signatures in support of the ban within the first hour of its online launch.  “Our mailbox got flooded,” said Wagner, “and our server crashed.  I was afraid we’d never get our website up and running again.”

“It made me really sad because it was my favorite book growing up.  WAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa,” said Drescher, after hearing about the ban.  “People wouldn’t necessarily think of me as a bookworm, but I really am.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa,” added Drescher.  “I love to read out loud.  I can do other voices besides ‘Fran Fine.’  She was a character, not a real person.  I have people who’ve lived around me for years who haven’t gone deaf.  I can prove it.”

Early on in the project, Drescher contacted Audiobooks International Executive Vice President, Joseph Widden.  “I thought I was being punked,” he said.  “It sounded like Fran Drescher on the phone, but I have a lot of friends who do voices.  That’s what I do.  I get to know people who do voices.  Then they do audiobooks.  I thought it was a joke.  I hung up the phone.  She called again.  I hung up again.  This went on for an hour.  She finally stopped.  The tape came out.  She did it herself.  Chris Wagner called.  He got me on board.  That’s what I do.  I get on board.  I got on board.  I made some calls.  That’s what I do.  I called some people.  They owed me favors.  That’s what I do.  I call things in.  I called things in.  We got the ban.  So here we are.”

“He wouldn’t take my call,” said Drescher.  “So I did it myself.  Now I got a garage full of CDs.  What am I going to do, drive around the country putting up a card table?  What can I say?  You gotta have a sense of humor about this business.  HAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa.”

Drescher says that she may donate the audiobooks to schools in developing countries, where it’s possible they aren’t familiar with her voice.

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