LOS ANGELES, California – 
Pertussis, also known as whooping cough, has made a hefty resurgence lately, infecting people on epidemic proportions. Whooping cough, while not generally serious in adults, can be very deadly in infants and toddlers. The CDC has stated that they are blaming the anti-vaccination movement for the recent outbreaks of mumps, measles, and now Pertussis, across the United States.
“It’s amazing to me, with all the scientific proof debunking the whole vaccination-causes-autism issue, and all of the other issues people are saying vaccinations cause, that people still refuse to vaccinate their children.” Said Thomas Frieden, Director of the CDC, in a recent interview. “Herd immunity, as it were, only works when 80% of the herd is vaccinated. The less people vaccinate, the more they expose everyone. These ‘anti-vaxxers’ need to stop living in the past, and read a science journal or book once in a while. And I don’t mean one written by Jenny McCarthy.”
“The problem with vaccines is that they are made with, um… heavy metals.” Says pop icon Adam Levine, a proponent of the anti-vaccination movement, who speaks on the topic as though he has no idea what he’s talking about. “I don’t have kids, but if I did I would make damn sure I didn’t let a doctor stick them with that poison. I would rather take my chances than hurt my hypothetical kids.”
When asked where he got his information on the topic, which is completely made up, Levine said that he got it when he read Jenny McCarthy’s book.
“It was extremely eye-opening.” Said Levine. “It kept me up at night, scared that I might have kids someday, and they might get vaccinated, and they might get autism.”
“The problem I have with people reading Mrs. McCarthy’s book is that some people who read it are stupid enough to believe it. The ‘science’ she quoted was debunked years ago, and the man who did the actual ‘research’ was stripped of his licenses for falsifying his stats and making fraudulent claims.” Says Frieden. “These people need to realize the only way to significantly deter these diseases from spreading is by vaccinating, both themselves and their children. I am the director of the freaking CDC for crying out loud. Who should you believe? It’s my job to deter epidemics and solve any national disease-related crisis. For some reason, there are still people who choose to believe an ex-softcore porn star, with no scientific or medial training, who uses her autistic child as a scapegoat and rallying point, over me and other medical experts.”
With the rise of the anti-vaxxers reaching extremely high proportions, the fright of a looming epidemic will always be on our horizons.
“[Adam] Levine was right on several counts. He might have kids, and they might get autism after he possibly gets them vaccinated. Then again, on that logic, he might have kids, and they might get a splinter and he might not do anything about it and it might become infected and his child might die.” Said Frieden. “The funny thing is, that is more likely to happen than his child having autism from vaccinations. Hopefully people will come to their senses and realize even if there were problems with the vaccines, which there aren’t, it would be less of a risk than your child dying from some other entirely unrelated disease.”