Vivid Entertainment Offers Ben Carson $250,000 To Star In Adult Video Series

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LOS ANGELES, California –

Vivid Entertainment, the adult film company responsible for pioneering celebrity sex tapes and porn parodies, has reportedly offered current presidential candidate Ben Carson $250,000 to star in a series of pornographic films.

Vivid, who have released tapes starring Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton among many others, is looking to capitalize on Carson’s current celebrity status as a mumbling Republican presidential candidate, who was previously known best as a surgeon who separated siamese twins. Carson has surged in the polls lately despite his seemingly inept concept of politics, something that Vivid has says will actually be incorporated into the storyline of the films.

Founder of Vivid, Steven Hirsch, says that if Carson agrees to star in the series, they will create three adult films that tell the story of his life. The first, to be titled Carson: The Teen Years would chronicle Carson’s sexual escapades as a mumbling teen prior to his career in medicine. The second film in the series, titled Carson: Mumble On My Dick would take place over the eight-year period of his medical school and immediately following. The final film, titled Carson: Sleeping The Election Away would feature Carson as he is today, boring and banal.

“All the films will feature known adult film stars, including Vivid favorites Hanna Hilton and Kayden Kross, as well as some of our other Vivid Girls,” Said Hirsch in a pitch sent to representatives for Carson. “The story of Ben Carson’s life is big news, and we want to not only tell his story, but we want to tell it with some really great T&A.”

Hirsch seemed to think that a venture into the adult industry could be exactly what Carson needs to “put a happier face” onto his campaign.

“This whole thing, it looks bad to everyone, anyone who follows politics. As any country looking in at us, it makes us look horrible for even considering him,” Said Hirsch. “We want to help the Ben, and to pay some respect to a guy who’s been through a lot. So, we’ve already got the writer working on the scripts. He started this morning, so he should be done by lunchtime. These are movies we are dying to make, and Carson would be a fool not to get in bed with us. Literally.”

Representatives for Ben Carson have said they are pushing for him to accept the offer, but so far he has not agreed to participate.

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April

Netflix Announces Ability To Stream Adult Movies Beginning In April2222

 

LOS GATOS, California –

The massive movie streaming company Netflix is making a bold business decision, as they have decided to stream adult, erotic entertainment along with their slew of television shows and movies. The decision was made after executives began realizing that the market, although saturated on the web, was lacking on any streaming video service.

While the company has said previously that it was not their intent, Netflix did almost single-handedly take down video rental stores like Blockbuster, leaving consumers with a void for acquiring pornography.

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“We are sorry-not-sorry that we killed the video stores across the country,” said Netflix CEO Gary Redbox. “Because we destroyed the way that a lot of consumers rented their porn, we have decided to replace that service by offering adult fare through our streaming service, in a new section called Netflixxx. From the comfort of ones own home, any customer of Netflix will be able to watch classic porn titles such as The Balls and The Beautiful, Schindler’s Fist, and How To Fuck A Mockingbird starring Gregory Pecker. These titles and more, at no extra streaming cost.”

While the pornography business is a billion dollar industry, even as most users find it free via the internet, several  people in the adult industry are saying that they feel this is a great idea, and that any way that people can see their finished product is better for their bottom line.

“We certainly make a lot of titles. Not all of them are classics like The Cockfather, but even our compilation pornos are really sexy,” said adult filmmaker Dick Hardson. “People don’t seem to realize this, but Netflix pays out millions upon millions of dollars to film studios for the rights to show their movies. Now, Netflix is going to have to pay the porno industry millions – which means we can make way more movies! Hell, it only takes about 6 or 7 hours from first scene to fully complete film, so with this kind of money, we can make hundreds of movies a week!”

Netflix says that they expect the pricing for the customers to stay the same, or possibly even be lowered, as thousands of new customers are anticipated to sign up once the list of available porn titles is released.

 

 

 

 

 

Man Who Had World’s First Horse Penis Transplant Signs Deal To Star In Series Of Adult Films

LOS ANGELES, California – Florida Man Successfully Receives Penis Transplant From Horse

Nicolas Waterbury, the recipient of the world’s first ever horse-to-human penis transplant in July of 2014, made news again earlier this week when he signed a deal with Elite Adult Entertainment, an up-and-coming giant in the adult film industry.

Owner and CEO of EA Entertainment, Ron Wetsherbed, has issued a statement regarding the deal.

“We are very, very excited to get this deal completed. We had been keeping in touch with Mr. Waterbury since his surgery, and have been following his progress. He has officially been cleared as having a completely healthy, normally functioning penis. Something that is music to our ears,” Wetsherbed said.

The deal, worth $2 million, consists of a series of ten films in which Waterbury will co-star with popular adult film actresses who will be announced at a later date.

Wetsherbed said that it is a tremendous and honorable opportunity for his company to become a pioneer of sorts. “This is a first, not just in the adult film industry, but a man with a real horse penis is huge news. Having that man in our films? It is absolutely priceless. It is something everyone will want to see, whether they like pornography or not, and whether they admit it or not. It is one of those things you just have to see to believe, and I can say I have seen it and just let me say, he is going to be a very, very popular man by the end of this year. Mark my words.”

Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

SAN FERNANDO, California – Porn Star Sues After Being Prematurely Blasted In The Face

Porn star Helen Humps filed suit today claiming she was blasted in the face prematurely while shooting a scene in her upcoming movie The Fast and The Facial. Randy Rams, her co-star, could not be reached for comment, but a close friend stated that Randy was trying to forget the incident. 

“It all happened about four months ago, and I haven’t been able to get work since, I’m physically and emotionally damaged,” said Helen Humps, whose real name is Helen Lovecock. ”It started out a normal day on set. I was working on The Fast and the Facial and everybody was excited, I mean this was a big time movie. This was my first film that had a script, and my first film that wasn’t shot, edited and released all in the same day. I was hoping that this was the one that was going to make me a star.”

 

As it turns out, an uncommon malfunction on the film set would cost Humps her big break in pornographic films.

“Randy and I were shooting a scene in the front seat of a Honda Civic – I was in driver’s seat because I played the ‘bad girl’ racer. Right as I was about to go down on Randy – BLAST! Right in my face! The airbag exploded, and the car wasn’t even moving. The impact broke my nose and chipped my tooth. I screamed, Randy screamed, blood was pouring out my nose, it was horrible. Now look at me. It’s been four months, and even all healed up I still have a crooked nose, and the chipped tooth ended up falling out completely. It’s not like porn stars have a health plan, and no one will hire me. That’s why I’m suing Honda for medical costs and loss of wages.”

 Lawyers for Honda would not comment on active lawsuits, but did release a statement claiming that prop cars are not covered under warranty.

 

Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

LOS ANGELES, California – Man Sues Hospital After Doctor Accidentally Performs Sex Change Instead of Liposuction

Rick Ryan, an aging porno film star that has appeared in over 500 films, is suing his surgeon and the hospital he recently visited for botching a simple procedure. The actor allegedly had his livelihood cut off in what was supposed to be a simple tummy tuck procedure.

“I’m a star, or at least I was a star. I had one of the most recognizable penises in the world. A small amount of liposuction was all I wanted,” said Ryan. “Every guy knows that the smaller the stomach and pouch is, the bigger the penis looks. I’ve had the procedure done in the past, but this time they removed my penis, inverted it, and gave me a vagina!”

“It was all a horrible misunderstanding,” said Dr. Clark Campbell, the surgeon who performed the operation. “I wasn’t even supposed to do the procedure – my partner came down sick, so I finished his surgeries for the day. There was a mix up with the charts it seems, which is unfortunate and I apologize. I didn’t think anything of it when I performed the surgery because, quite frankly, Mr. Ryan’s penis looked like he beat it as if it owed him money. I thought to myself ‘this is a man who doesn’t want his penis.’ Now that I know he was a popular adult film actor, it does give an entirely new explanation for why his dick was so raw and swollen.”

“To be honest, I’ve already gotten some work offers doing some girl-on-girl, but it’s just not the same. I do find myself playing with my vagina more than I did my penis, but this lawsuit is not about pleasure, it’s about money. I’m Rick Ryan, damn it. They took my dick, now I’m going to take their balls!”

Peter Palmer, public relations for Los Angeles Metropolitan Hospital said he doesn’t really understand the complaints.

“This is very embarrassing for us as a medical establishment, yes, although I don’t see why Mr. Ryan is that upset. I’m a big fan of all of his films, but to be fair they were all gay porn and Ryan is a bottom. His moneymaker has always been that ass.”

 

FOX Broadcasting Company To Launch New Free Adult TV Channel ‘FXXX’

LOS ANGELES, California – fox broadcasting launches new adult network FXXX - empire news

Fox Broadcasting Company, the driving force behind over-air network FOX, and cable channels FOX HD, FX, and FXX, have announced the first adult TV channel to be broadcast free both as part of a regular cable subscription or streamed online. The new channel, FXXX, will feature hardcore pornographic adult films, as well as short movies and even amateur user-submitted content.

Normally, adult films are broadcast through cable or satellite providers solely as subscription channels, such as the Playboy or Hustler channel, or as on-demand features. FXXX plans to be the first channel to be included, at no extra cost, with every cable content provider in the United States.

“All of the FOX networks, whether they be over-air or pay-cable channels, have always pushed the envelope when it comes to content,” said Dana Walden, Co-Chairman of Fox Broadcasting. “With the launch of FXXX, we can’t push the envelope much further. If FX’s slogan was ‘There Is No Box,’ then FXXX’s slogan is ‘There Are Tons Of Boxes.’ This is going to be hardcore, in-your-face pornography. It will be what the Hustler channel wishes it could be, and it will make the Playboy Channel look like PBS.”

Walden went on to say that the network will also feature online streaming at no additional cost, and that funding for the channel – which will premiere ad-free – will be paid for by specific product placements throughout the films.

“Maybe Harry Longdick wears a Trojan brand condom in one scene, and maybe Tiffani Juggs gets thirsty and reaches for an ice-cold Pepsi in another,” said Walden. “There are plenty of opportunities for product placement in the adult film industry. Hell, we might even be able to get more creative with that Pepsi bottle, now that I’m thinking about it.”

Despite what most people think, there is nothing stopping any channel from showing any content they wish on their cable channels. The FCC, the agency in charge of “policing” the airwaves, does not actually monitor cable or pay channels.

“In fact, we don’t even really monitor over-air channels,” said a representative of the FCC who spoke to us anonymously. “Basically, if someone calls in and complains about something they saw on TV, then we assume that there are at least 1,000 other people who didn’t take the time to call. So if we get, say, 100 calls that Janet Jackson’s breast popped out at the Super Bowl, well then that must be 100,000 people who were offended! That’s how things work at the FCC.”

The FCC doesn’t at all monitor cable channels, but seldom do viewers see any excessive violence, language, or sex aired prior to 10PM.

“The networks like to police themselves. We can show whatever the hell we want, but we don’t want to alienate people,” said Walden. “FXXX will throw that entire concept right out the window, because we’re going to be showing people banging it out all day, every day. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to watch. If your kids watch it, well – they had to learn about reverse cowgirls and rusty trombones someday, right?”

FXXX will launch on all major providers, including Comcast, DirecTV, Dish Network, and Time Warner Cable starting in October.

 

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