Go Ask Allison: I Think I Made A Mistake – Is He Really “The One?!”

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DEAR ALLISON,

How do I know if the man I married is really “the one?” My husband and I have been married for 2 years. He does everything for me. He works three jobs so I can stay home and build my small business. He cooks, and cleans. He’s fantastic in bed. We are doing really well…but there is something that’s just missing. What if I made a mistake?

– CONCERNED in CALIFORNIA

Dear Concerned,

The man sounds like a saint. To be honest, I don’t think he probably is the one for you. If anything, he sounds like the one for me. After the string of losers I’ve been with, I could use a man who knows how to cook, how to clean, and how to do me right. Tell you what, Concerned – you let him go. If he comes back, then he’s “the one.” If you find him in my bed, then it looks like he was the one, but you’re too stupid to have known it. You’re living every woman’s dream, and you’re thinking it might have been a mistake? You must be a lesbian.


DEAR ALLISON,

For my 18th birthday my boyfriend got me a tattoo, but I didn’t tell my parents. I still live at home, and my Dad will FREAK OUT if he knows that I got “Chris Forever” tattooed on my thigh. How do I tell my parents that I got inked?

– TATTED in TALLAHASSE

Dear Tatted,

First off, the fact that you’re barely 18 and you got your boyfriend’s name tattooed on you already screams how dumb you are. There are people who have been married decades who don’t do stupid things like that. My suggestion would be to tell your parents as soon as possible, and hope they forgive you enough to help pay to have it lasered off. The only name you should put on your body is your child’s. Hell, you shouldn’t even put that. Get a damn flower or a heart like every other teenage idiot out there, and call it a day. Since I got this letter 2 weeks ago, I’d assume that Chris has already left you for some other bimbo. Now you get to spend the rest of your life dating only men named Chris, or else they’re going to go limp as soon as you take your pants off.


DEAR ALLISON,

My mother is a die-hard Christian, and on more than one occasion has made it quite known to me, my family, and everyone else who will listen that she hates gay people, and thinks they are an abomination. I’m 23 now, and I’m afraid to come out of the closet for fear I will lose my mother’s love. What do I do?

-IN THE CLOSET in INDIANAPOLIS

Dear Closet,

Man up, my gay friend. If your mother is such a bigot that she would disown her child because of their sexual orientation, than you don’t need her! Find a new mom. Find a mate, and have their mom be your new mom! There are plenty of people out there who will accept you for who you are. It will probably be hard at first to tell your mother, but if she can’t handle it, then how is she going to handle when you find a mate? Get married? Adopt children? In my opinion, your mother needs to grow the hell up and deal. It’s 2014 for crying out loud. How much longer are we going to have to deal with these conservative bigots? Listen, you tell your mom that she’s going to have to accept you, or you smack that bitch in the face. No two ways about it. Good luck!

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.comGo Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

Go Ask Allison: I Think My Boyfriend’s Cheating. Please Help!

DEAR ALLISON,

My boyfriend of 4 years and I have been seeing each other less and less lately, as I recently started a new job. When I come home to him at night, he seems withdrawn and doesn’t enjoy having…well, we’re not as intimate as we used to be. He’s not working and I pay all the bills, so I don’t think he’s stressed out or anything. I don’t want to be that bitchy girlfriend who goes through his Facebook or his phone to see if he’s been talking to other girls, but I think he might be cheating. Should I confront him, or go about finding out another way?

– SUSPICIOUS in SACRAMENTO

Dear Suspicious,

Of course he’s cheating on you. The only thing a man wants more than a good steak is a good ol’ fashioned. If you are coming home from a long day at work, and he’s been lounging around all day and it’s him that doesn’t want you, there really is no other explanation. I’d suggest that you “be that bitchy girlfriend” and go through his phone or Facebook. You don’t want to confront him, because what’s the point? Is he just going to say “oh, you’re right, dear, I’m cheating.”? No, he’s going to deny it. Your best course of action is to wait until he’s asleep and smell his penis. It sounds crude, but everyone knows men rarely wash themselves period, and the odds of him showering after having his mistress over is zero. Definitely sniff that shaft, and you’ll have all the evidence you need.

 

DEAR ALLISON,

My girlfriend of two years is lazy and doesn’t wanna do anything for me. In my circle, the other girlfriends will make food for the game, and then go off and do their own thing, but they always come out to see if we need more beer or snacks, you know? My girlfriend doesn’t do those things, and it’s embarassing. My bros, they give me crap about how lazy she is.  When we watch the game at my house, she doesn’t wanna cook, and then she sits around, trying to talk through the game. Like we’re interested in listening to her long, boring stories about shoes? The other day I was checking out my buddy’s girlfriend’s ass as she bent over to pick up our beer cans, and I thought – “that’s what I deserve.”  I’m wondering if I should break up with her because this isn’t working, and it’s not like I don’t have other options.

– FED-UP in FREEPORT

Dear FED-UP,

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Start packing her bags right now – I can’t believe you’ve dealt with her for two years! By this point she should definitely know her place. If she isn’t going to make you a sandwich and sit quietly during the game, or let you go out with your bros without nagging, then she isn’t the one. Look at your buddies; sounds like they’ve got their women trained perfectly! There are plenty of girls out there who have learned their lessons, so just choose one of the dumb sluts you’re probably already flirting with, and plug her hard. After you’ve gotten your ex out of the way, make sure you tell the new girl how much you love the cheese dip your buddy’s girlfriend always brings over, and set the expectation that that’s what you expect out of your woman. Out of desperation to please you, she’ll learn to jump right up at the sound of a crushed beer can, or you can tell her where to go, too.

 

DEAR ALLISON,

I hate my mother. She has the mentality of an extremely spoiled teenager in the body of an overweight, pushy fifty year-old troll. She is in complete denial about all the abuse she put me through when I was growing up. She says that everything bad in her life is my fault, and she’s posted nasty stuff to my Facebook wall, like telling me that she wishes I was never born. It’s got so bad that I had to block her. She still continues to spread rumors to my friends and family, saying that I pawned her jewelry for drugs or that I’ve prostituted myself for spare change. These lies hurt, because my family and friends are now ostracizing me. I’ve never even had sex, and she knows it! Every time we talk, it’s a blow out. Should I try to reconcile with her, or should I just move on with my life?

-MISERABLE in MALIBU

DEAR MISERABLE,

Judging by your letter, I’d say you and your mother have more in common than you think! You must be extremely spoiled yourself. Here you are calling your mother nasty things in a massive public setting, just like you say she’s done to you! Way more people will see your letter here, calling your mother a fat troll, than the minimal amount of friends and family members who she no doubt has on her Facebook page. How do you think she’s going to feel when she sees your letter here? Yeah, probably the same way you felt when she called you a little whore. Your family probably doesn’t want to talk to you anymore because you’re the worst kind of bitch – the kind who blames everyone else around her for her own shortcomings. Plus, they probably know you’ll steal their valuables for drug money next! Go to counseling with your mother. You both sound like a couple of nut jobs.

 

You can email your questions for a future column to AskAllisonAnything@gmail.com. Go Ask Allison‘s weekly column is published every Monday exclusively by Empire News.

 

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