‘Ultra Smoking’ Trend Proves Deadly As Cancer Rates Skyrocket

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LOS ANGLES, California – 

In the ghettos of South Central, Los Angeles in California, young African-American men have turned to a new trend referred to as “ultra smoking,” or sticking as many cigarettes in as many orifices as possible when smoking. Ultra Smoking apparently started last year, and the trend quickly spread.

“Oh man, I’ve seen some mothafuckas who smoke a whole pack at once,” said ghetto thug Jamal ‘Crazy Crack’ Jones. “My boy Dion, that boy usually smoke three or four cigarettes at once in his mouth, couple in each nostril, even sometimes he’ll stick a few in his ass. I guess those ones are the hardest to inhale, but that dude, he figured it out.”

Doctors warn that the litany of ways that young black men can die, including sickle cell and gangland shootings, “ultra smoking” is the least of their concerns.

“Frankly, we don’t see that this so-called ‘ultra smoking’ will really make their lives any worse,” said Dr. Emmett Brown of Cambridge University in Boston. “Most of these men will die young anyway. Between prison, gun violence, and white cops who don’t check their own privilege before firing off their guns, yeah, ultra smoking is dangerous, but not as dangerous as all the other activity these gang bangers get involved in.”

Other people aren’t so sure that Ultra Smoking should be considered a hip, new trend, though. Researchers as the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute found that smoking more than one cigarette at a time is 37% more likely to kill you, especially when you smoke the cigarettes through your ass.

Feds Rule #BlackLivesMatter Protestors Are ‘Gangs,’ Can Be Arrested

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

The federal government ruled this morning that the hashtag #BlackLivesMatter has become a serious problem for police and law enforcement, and that agencies now have the legal right to arrest and detain people who protest as part of the movement.

“The Black Lives Matter movement started as a tag on the internet. Something that went from social media about awareness of the brutality against African-Americans, to actual, living and breathing protests in the streets, in schools, and on TV,” said senator Joe McDonald (R-Georgia.) “That can’t happen. It’s one thing for people to say something online, it’s another completely to take those feelings public, and cause problems.”

McDonald says he brought the new law to congress after he saw several black people gathered together outside a police station in his hometown of Marietta, holding signs that read #BLACKLIVESMATTER.

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“It’s disgusting, really, because when it comes down to it, black lives DON’T matter – not any more than white lives, or Asian lives, or any damn lives,” said McDonald. “What we’ve got here are angry black people getting angrier and angrier each time a white cop kills some black person anywhere in the country. It’s absurd. They didn’t know that person. They have no reason to get upset. I don’t get upset when a white guy I don’t know gets killed half way across the city, let alone across the country. Because we expect violence as this keeps happening, it was time to put a stop to it.”

President Obama reportedly backed the plan to disallow the #BlackLivesMatter hashtag from being used publicly, citing the fact that too many African-American children and teens could be hurt if more riots were to break out.

“I’d rather we use a new hashtag, #NoLivesMatter, to show that no one life is more important than any other,” said President Obama. “Black lives, white lives, the lives of police and firemen. The lives of cracked-out babies born to unwed, whore mothers – they are all important, and we should have one movement uniting them all.”

Law enforcement agencies are pushing the law to go a step further, and allow them to arrest people in their local area who use the BlackLivesMatter hashtag on social media, in the same way they can currently arrest people who discuss illegal or gang activity in public forums.

Obama’s Secret Plans To Give All African-Americans A $10,000 Check Revealed!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. –

Good news if you have some African roots in your family, as you will be receiving a nice check in the mail sometime before President Obama leaves office.  Obama has secretly pushed through a new bill that will pay each African-American 18 years or older a check for $10,000. Sources say that Obama decided to do this as a way to give back to his people, and also give them a boost finically towards making their lives better.

While the money can be used for whatever the person chooses, Obama is recommending that the money be used towards paying off debt or investing in education.

“I love my American people, and I wish that I could do this for every citizen, but the fact is – I don’t have the budget to do that. The African-American people helped me get into office, and before I leave I want to make sure that I show appreciation for all my niggas out there,” said President Obama. “White people generally have enough money anyway, and the black man has been held down for years. It’s time that they got theirs.”

The Republican-controlled caused an uproar over Obama’s words and new bill, but after the President gave his argument of how this can boost the economy, they jumped on board.

“Sure, taxpayers will be footing the bill, but you have to understand the influx in the economy this will have,” said Obama. “There will be new TVs, cars, gold chains, and fried chicken flying out of the doors of every retail store that sells them. This influx in the spending of African-Americans will be great, and it will help everyone.”

Obama wants to make it clear that this has nothing to do with race or “playing favorites,” but he claims that the numbers speak for themselves, and that black people are the ones that truly need a helping hand.

 

Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over ‘Game Of War’ Ads Starring Kate Upton

Celebrities, Other Groups In Uproar Over 'Game Of War' Ads Starring Kate Upton

ATLANTA, Georgia –

The White Persons Movement, or WPM, is apparently very heated over a new commercial. Group President Peter Weinberg announced in his weekly press conference this morning that he has received a letter from group cabinet members stating that the ‘Game of War’ ads on the internet and television, which show off the busty, blonde, silky-skinned snowflake Kate Upton, are far ‘too sexy’ for men to handle, especially African-Americans.

“It is with love of our African-American brothers that we share our concern with the entire nation,” Weinberg said. “We here at the WAP are not racists, and we want to help our brown brethren. We know that most black men cannot resist the love of a busty white woman, and these ads go too far. Not to mention how mad their wives get when Upton’s breasts are dangerously close to exploding off television screens, computers and cell phones.”

Kim Kardashian-West has also spoke out against the advertisement recently. “I just think it is inappropriate, she has all her junk just poppin’ out. I mean really, like who does she think she is? She doesn’t even have a talent, does she?” Kardashian said . “It really pisses me off actually, everybody been talkin’ about her. I mean enough is enough, we are sick of you. A real woman doesn’t just put her stuff out there for the world to see.”

Even comedian Bill Cosby used the ads as material during a sold-out stand-up performance, “All I have to say is, Kate Upton! Now! Youuuu…seee…what I, as a black mannnnnn have to deal with? Bouncy, bouncy, Jello cups and Vanilla Puddin’ Pops! It is …ENOUGH…to drive a man to desperate measures! There is nothing as sexy as a good, healthy white woman!” Cosby explained with trademark silly faces.

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