U.S. Government Says You Can Buy Alcohol, Cigarettes With Food Stamps Starting 2017

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Faced with lingering debts due to a still struggling economy, President Barack Obama issued an executive order today allowing the purchase of alcohol and cigarettes with food stamps.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) offers nutrition assistance to eligible individuals who face financial or other hardships when trying to adequately feed themselves and their dependents.

The US Department of Agriculture, which oversees the program, has a strict policy on which items can and cannot be purchased with food stamps.  Alcohol and cigarettes are not categorized as “essential nutrition,” and were never allowed on the “Food Stamp Safety List” – until now.

“We’re faced with tough times. American families are still struggling, although the economy is slowly recovering,” said President Obama. “The boost in sales generated by alcohol and cigarette sales will help aid in the recovery efforts, and generate much-needed revenue.”

For years, the President has struggled with a much publicized nicotine addiction, and this executive decision is bound to raise the hackles of nutrition experts, not to mention closer to home, where the First Lady, Michelle Obama, has advocated healthy eating habits and exercise.  When asked if that may create tension within the White House, the President replied “I hope not.”

Other items disallowed on the food stamp list include vitamins, medicine, hot food or food eaten in a store, live animals, and cosmetics.

Major tobacco manufacturers and alcohol distributors have been slow to overly praise the decision, seen as controversial from both sides of the political aisle.  Members of the GOP have also remained strangely silent in their usual criticism of the President’s every action, owing to the fact that many members of Congress are on vacation and receive large subsidies from the alcohol and tobacco industries.

Stores To Begin Requiring Fingerprint Scans Along With EBT Cards To Avoid Fraud

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to new regulations that will soon take effect, most stores throughout the country will begin taking fingerprint scans of welfare recipients who are buying groceries. This change is being made in all 50 states in hopes that the government can push back against welfare fraud.

“There are many scams that welfare recipients currently utilize to turn their government dollars into actual cash, which they then use to buy alcohol, junk food, and drugs,” said White House representative Mark Raymond. “A new one we recently discovered is that people are buying bottled items in bulk, such as cases of water, and then dumping the water, and redeeming the bottles for the cash. Those people are idiots. Still, though, the most common is to simply pass their card off to someone else, and allow them to shop for groceries in exchange for cash.”

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It’s this latter issue that the government is most concerned about, because they say that only certain poor people should be able to eat on their dime, and not all poor people.

“It comes down to drugs. That’s what these miscreants are buying with their traded cash, and we don’t need more drug addicts on welfare,” said Raymond. “These new regulations will require that fingerprint scans be run, and they must match the identity of the person whose name is on the card. This will hopefully stop the fraudulent activities occurring.”

“Man, this shit won’t stop me. I need my 40s, and I need a bump every now and then, and the way I get it each month is by selling my stamps, fifty-cent on the dollar, and then my buddy uses my card to get his groceries for his family. Shit, I ain’t even got a family. He needs it more than me,” said Freddy Carson of New York. “So this be more of a pain in my ass, but now I’m just gonna have my buddy give me a list, and I’ll go shopping for him, then give him the stuff, and he’ll give me the cash. More time out my day, so I’m gonna have to go up to seventy-five cent on the dollar, but his family gonna still get their food, and I’m still gonna be able to smoke crack. Take that, Obama!”

Statue Of Virgin Mary Falls From Roof, Kills Church Member; Church Refuses To Pay For Funeral

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PORTERVILLE, Arkansas – 

A statue of the virgin Mary fell from the roof of the Catholic Church of the Immaculate Conception, killing Margaret Whineburg, 57, instantly. Her husband, Jacob Whineburg, is demanding restitution for her death. The church claims the accident was an act of God and refuses to submit the claim to their insurance.

“My wife was everything to me,” says Whineburg. “We’d do everything together. Begging for change, dumpster diving, finding cans to return. Maggy had my back, and I had hers for over 30 years. It would have been me who died had she not pushed me out of the way. God is dead to me.”

The church says that they are not responsible, and that the statue was repaired only a scant 15 years ago, and should have held just fine.

“What happened to the woman is unfortunate, but it is all part of God’s plan. Furthermore, her husband is homeless. If we give the money to him, he will just use it on drugs and alcohol,” says Rev. Daniel Comboni. “He is welcome to come to our food kitchen at any time if he is in need of a meal, but I’m afraid that’s the best we will do.”

U.S. Starts Initiative To Send Weed, Alcohol To Iraq So Muslims ‘Chill Out’

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

President Obama has started an initiative to send marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world, with hopes that they will ‘chill out,’ and be less likely to become ‘extremists,’ or cause any harm to anyone.

“Muslims, generally, are an irrational group of people,” said Obama. “I should know, I am one. So, what I’ve proposed to congress is a measure to begin sending large quantities of marijuana and alcohol to Muslims in Iraq and other parts of the world. I strongly believe that this initiative will help them chill out, and become too relaxed to have any desire to attack the United States.”

Obama has said that although he is aware that Muslims are strongly against drugs and alcohol, he thinks that once they try it, they will change their mind.

“Anyone who says that marijuana and booze aren’t good times, clearly hasn’t tried either of them,” said Obama. “I did my fair share of both in my day, and I can honestly say, if you want to meet your God, whoever that may be, there’s no better way to do it than by getting extremely high.”

Several Muslim groups from within the United States have said that they are protesting the measure, and think that it’s just another way for Obama to make a name for himself before he is no longer in office.

Matthew Perry Admits Filming ‘Friends’ Caused Substance Abuse Problems

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NEW YORK CITY, New York –

Matthew Perry admits he does not remember much of the years he spent on Friends, and says he would never have been an alcoholic and drug addict if he had made different career choices.

“I didn’t remember the years I filmed Friends, and I can say I don’t want to. At the time I think I was trying to block it all out. When I look back now, and I watch the re-runs, I think ‘what a horrible show!’ Even the royalty checks can’t block out that garbage. If you were me trying to get through that shit, you’d have been messed up, too.”

Perry says that although there were copious amounts of drugs on the set, he did not partake until after hours. “Coke service was right next to food service, but I always stayed straight while we were filming. I’m a professional. Even though I was disturbed by what I was doing, the character I was playing, I stuffed all that down until later. I always started the night with booze. By morning I was crawling out of a k-hole and someone was splashing water on my face.”

In addition to Ketamine, the actor admits to using alcohol, Xanax, and cheap heroin. Perry says over time the drug use ate at his memory, and now the memories of being on the set of Friends are completely blocked out. “Part of it is post-traumatic stress. Most of it was the drugs. Almost all of it can be blamed on David Schwimmer.”

President Obama Arrested For Drunk Driving Returning From New Year’s Eve Party

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

According to police reports, President Barack Obama was arrested for drunk driving on his way back to the White House from a New Year’s Eve party in Baltimore.

The president, who normally is driven by secret service members, apparently become severely intoxicated at the home of a family friend, and snuck away from his bodyguards by climbing out of a bathroom window.

“The President jumped from a second story window after throwing up in the [unnamed friend’s] bathtub, and stole a car from their garage,” said police chief John Wiggin. “When he was pulled over, he had a blood-alcohol level of 2.0, and was driving 95mph down the wrong side of the road. He’s insanely lucky no one was hurt.”

The incident took place at approximately 7pm, and the President was reportedly sleeping it off in a Washington, D.C. jail cell. Police say it is highly likely the Obama will pardon himself of his crimes, as he has done several times during his presidency.

Toddler Running With Scissors Accidentally Kills Sister

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TOLEDO, Ohio – 

A 5-year-old boy didn’t listen when he was told not to run with scissors, or perhaps he was never told. Tragically, the young boy was playing with real, non-safety scissors when accidentally fell into his sister, stabbing her in the face. She bled to death before being discovered later the same day in her toy box.

The mother, Karen Jones, 40, was reportedly heavily intoxicated and lay unconscious in her bedroom before police were finally called by neighbors about the little boy’s incessant screaming.

The neighbor who called police says, “In this neighborhood I’m surprised they didn’t find her with a needle in her arm. Sadly, it isn’t a surprise about that little girl. Kids running with scissors is deadly. More kids are dying from it every day. My little cousin was running with scissors, wasn’t looking, ran right into oncoming traffic.”

Authorities say the little boy will stay with family for now, while the district attorney decides how best to proceed.

Man Who Died While Showering Not Found For 3 Days

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LOS ANGELES, California –

It wasn’t until the repairman came about the furnace that a 32-year-old man was discovered dead in his shower. The water had been running, exhausting the hot water in the apartment building, and after his neighbors complained the maintenance man and landlord discovered the cause.

The landlord, Fred Willette, and the repairman, George Glass, both said something smelled foul when they entered the apartment, which they initially thought was garbage.

“It got stronger once we got to the bathroom. Almost threw up when I pulled back that shower curtain at the sight of a naked man,” said Glass.

“Our first priority was restoring hot water to the apartment complex, because we had a lot of complaints, and I don’t want to be known as a slumlord,” said Willette.  “So we shut off his water. We then called the police to report his grotesque, water-bloated body.”

Autopsy reports have yet to be released, but building supervisor says the man’s apartment was littered with empty beer bottles and cans, which may explain why he lost consciousness in the shower.

“Guy must’ve just fell asleep drunk, ended up drowning in the shower. Place was a real dump. Littered with Star Wars crap and Magic cards,” said Willette. “Seems like the guy must not have had much to live for. Always paid his rent on time though. We’ll miss him for that reason.”

Pregnant Teens Binge Drink To Give Their Babies ‘Cute Deformities’ In Shocking New Trend

CLEVELAND, Ohio –

Pregnant teens across the country have been participating in a dangerous new trend, say doctors faced with an onslaught of unhealthy babies. According to reports from national physicians, a new trend among pregnant teens is to spend many hours during their pregnancy binge drinking, hoping that they develop “cute deformities” in a quasi-competition with their friends.

“Many teens have been giving birth to babies with extremely low birthrates, deformities, and other major ailments,” said Dr. Emmett Richards, Dean of Medicine at Boston University Hospital. “It appears that a trend amongst pregnant teens, normally around age 15 to 19 is to spend hours and hours bring drinking, in hopes that their baby will have deformities, and then they post pictures of their babies online.”

Doctors are warning both prospective teen moms and their parents that the “game” is dangerous to their baby’s health, as well as the mother-to-be.

“Ugh, like who cares, really, about the baby?” said pregnant teen Amanda Johnson, 15. “I mean, I only even got pregnant so I could do the bingy-baby challenge, and show all my friends. I don’t even want the stupid thing. If it dies cause I drank too much, who cares?”

“I’ve already had 3 babies, and the keep coming out more and more deformed, cause I switched from just binging out on beers to mixing in hard alcohol, and even sometimes some coke or meth, even though I know that’s cheating a bit,” said Lindsay Moore, 17. “All of my babies have died. The doctor said that I might not be able to have kids later down the road from all the shit my uterus has gone through, but whatever. It’s all for funsies.”

 

U.S. Regulators Looking To Drop Legal Drinking Age From 21 To 12

WASHINTON, D.C. – empire-news-US-regulators-Looking-To-Lower-Drinking-Age-From-21-to-12

United States regulators have recently announced their plans to drop the legal drinking age from 21 to 12, citing the minimum-age drinking laws of other many other countries around the world, some of which are even lower.

“It’s really far, far too high of an age. Everyone knows that kids sneak alcohol long before they turn 21. We just want to make it legal for them to do so.” Said Congressman Alex Silver of Denver. “I let my 14 year old drink all the time at home. He’s perfectly fine, a straight-C+ student. You couldn’t ask for a better kid.”

Federal lawmakers have generally left it up to individual states to regulate their minimum age for drinking laws, but these new statutes would generally supersede most states’ laws, allowing pre-teens across the country to get their drink on.

“Ohmygod I cannot wait to do some shots, shots, shotshotshotshot shots with my friends!” Said Felisia Ann, a 16 year old from Concord, New Hampshire. “Normally I would just let some college dude get to second base with me behind the liquor store, and then he’d buy it for me. This is so much better. I’m super stoked that they’re looking to lower the age. I’ve gotta text my friends and let them know we will be able to stop drinking rubbing alcohol and cough syrup!”

Parents of young teens are naturally outraged at the government’s decision to step in and lower the drinking age.

“It would be one thing if they lowered it back to 18, like it used to be.” Said Cassie Jones, a mother of 3 teenage girls. “I’ve always thought there was no problem with it being 18. We let people go to Iraq and kill at 18, but they can’t drink? It’s absurd. But what’s even more absurd is Joe-Law thinking my kid should be allowed to drink at age 12. At that age they’re barely off the bottle as it is, and now they want to put a new bottle in their mouth? Please.”

Representative Sam Clemens, of Pennsylvania, disagrees.

“In France, Germany, Ireland – all over the world, kids are allowed to drink at an extremely young age.” Said Clemens. “Even younger than 12 in some cases, and those children, they will have a wine with dinner or a bottle of whisky instead of a juice box. Those countries don’t exactly have strikingly high rates of alcoholism, either. Well, maybe Ireland, but that’s obvious.”

Regardless of federal regulations, most parents have said that they will not be permitting their children to have any alcohol until they are much older.

“There is no way that my son is going to have any booze. He’s barely 14.” Said Joe Goldsmith, of Kentucky. “When I was 14, I couldn’t drink or my father would have taken a belt to my ass. So I did what most 14 year olds did, and I smoked a ton of weed. If my son wants to get high, that’s fine, but he’s certainly not going to be brown-bagging it with his friends on the weekends.”

“No matter what my parents say, if this law passes, I’m getting [expletive] smashed.” Said Ann. “I’m so excited for this. I was seriously like a half-step away from sleeping with guys just to get alcohol. This just changed all that. Now I can save myself for the right guy…or at least wait until I’m so blasted I can’t remember a thing.”

 

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