Nearly 1,000 People Have Gone Missing After Last Weekend’s Mysterious ‘Flying Object’ Seen Throughout East Coast

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CONCORD, New Hampshire

On Saturday evening at approximately 6 p.m., a mysterious light took over the skies in major US cities across the East Coast. People in New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Rhode Island and even parts of New York reported seeing a blue or green object streaking through the sky. Social media went crazy as well as news stations as people tried to figure out what was happening.

NASA reported on Twitter that the sighting was a result of a U.S. Navy test: “Light seen in OC sky was confirmed through John Wayne Airport tower to be a Naval test fire off the coast. No further details.”

On Sunday, police in several Eastern states had received nearly 845 missing persons reports of people who have just “disappeared.” 95% of the missing people reported by Sunday evening were women between the ages of 18 – 23. Police are saying they cannot confirm that the incident on Saturday evening has any connection to the missing persons reported.

“What happened on Saturday evening in California has nothing to do with the amount of people that have gone missing since then,” said Detective Ron Alvarez of the New Hampshire Missing Persons Bureau. “It was a missile that everyone saw on Saturday and that is that. It has been confirmed by the Federal Aviation Administration as a missile, and people need to leave it just as that. In the meantime, we are doing everything we can to find the people that are missing.”

Conspiracy theorists are not convinced by the government’s explanation of the enigmatic light after photos surfaced of strange, unknown creatures found dead in fields Western Maine. These theorists say that as quickly as these photos appear on Facebook, they are taken down.

Newly Published Documents Reveal Ted Cruz Is Actually Undocumented Alien From Cuba

Early Voter Poll Shows There's 'No Way In Hell' Ted Cruz Would Get Elected President

WASHINGTON, D.C. –

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Recently discovered documents that were leaked to the press allegedly show that senator Ted Cruz, whose full name is Rafael Edward Cruz, was not born in Canada to American parents, as Cruz has led people to believe. According to birth certificates and hospital paperwork that was uncovered, Cruz is actually a Cuban immigrant who was born in Havana.

“Ted Cruz has always maintained that he was American. He says he was born to American parents who were working in Calgary, Alberta, Canada, and that he was a dual-citizen Canadian and American,” said political pundit Joe Goldsmith. “As recent documents have disclosed, though, Rafael ‘Ted’ Cruz was born in Havana, Cuba to a woman who was a prostitute.”

According to hospital records, Cruz’s mother, whose name was not known, died during childbirth, and the baby was adopted by the Cruz family in 1970. The records indicate that Cruz’s mother was a Cuban woman who barely spoke any English. His father was listed as one out of 8 possible people, all Cuban construction workers who apparently participated in a gang-bang.

Ted Cruz could not be reached for comment.

Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

WASHINGTON, D.C. –  Obama Admits To Forging Birth Certificate; President Not Natural-Born U.S. Citizen

It looks as though many Republicans and ‘birthers’ were right all along. In a press conference this morning from the White House, President Obama admitted that he had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

“It’s true that I was not born here in this great country,” said the President in his speech. “That does not mean, though, that I have not led us through some great times. I have fought hard to make sure we are protected. I almost single-handedly killed that son of a b—- bin Laden. I have driven us into, and then right back out of, a horrible recession. I knew what needed to be done to get to where I am, and so I had to make it happen.”

President Obama has been the talk of many conspiracy theories over the course of his presidency, beginning while he was still running for office. At one point in time, a poll showed that over 50% of people in the Republican party thought that Obama had forged his birth certificate, and that he was not constitutionally allowed to be president. These people, often referred to as ‘birthers’, hold onto one of several theories, including that the president was born in Kenya, that he is a dual US/UK citizen, or that he is of Indonesian citizenship. The rumors and theories became so bad that in 2008, President Obama released what is now being found to be a forged birth certificate, stating he was born in Hawaii.

“I had to do what I did to become president,” continued Obama. “Yes, the birth certificate is a forgery. No, I was not born in Hawaii – my God, do I even look like I was born in Hawaii? Don’t answer that, actually. Regardless – as your elected leader, I plan to continue to run this country the best that I can for the remainder of my term, and prove to everyone that a strong leader can come from anywhere, and still take over this great land.”

Before the announcement, President Obama went through the motions of giving himself an executive pardon, making it impossible to stand accountable for breaking the law, something that until this presidency, no one had ever considered possible.

“I have pardoned myself for my crimes, and for lying to the country,” said the President. “Therefore, I will not be able to be arrested or taken into custody. In the eyes of our great judicial system, I have now done nothing wrong.”

Despite the shock of the announcement, and the surprise of the pardon, many reporters at the White House were still wondering where Obama was actually born, if the entire time his birth certificate had just been a ruse.

“I am so glad that you asked that,” said Obama. “To be truthful – no, I am not from this great nation. Nor was I born in Kenya. To be fair, I am actually not even of this world. I come from a distant planet, known as Garlarktaschpel, which when translated to English becomes ‘Change.’ I am, indeed, the most illegal kind of alien there is.”

“I have tried to tell you all from the beginning that ‘Change’ was coming, and I am making this announcement now to let you know that ‘Change’ is very near. My people, the Changers, are nearing Earth. We are coming. The Changers will bring life to those who deserve it, and death to the remaining. It will be The Rapture. It will be the end for most. If you thought you feared ‘Change’ before, then just wait for what’s coming.”

 

Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens Twice During NBA Career

LOUISVILLE, Kentucky – Dennis Rodman Claims He Was Abducted By Aliens On Two Separate Occasions

Controversial ex-NBA star Dennis Rodman said in a radio interview on Louisville sports station WKRD 790 AM that he was abducted by aliens twice during his NBA career. While on the road promoting his soon-to-be-released biography, The Constant Rebound, Rodman, for the first time, spoke about being abducted by aliens.

“I was playing for the Spurs in 1993 and I was abducted by aliens two different times during the off-season,” Rodman said casually while being asked about his antics on and off the court. Thinking that Rodman was joking, sports talk show host Tony ‘Birdman’ Griffith immediately laughed during the live interview. “No, I’m completely serious, and for the first time ever, I am coming forward and announcing it. I have been dealing with it for years and there are others out there afraid to say anything, so on their behalf I wish to come forward,” Rodman said adamantly. “The world noticed a drastic change in my behavior when I was a player, and later on when I tried my hand at acting – which I sincerely apologize for, by the way – and it’s high-time I admit that my behavior was a direct result of my alien abductions.”

Griffith then apologized for laughing, and commented by saying, “Oh my God, you are serious, I’m so sorry. So how did this affect your basketball career?”

“They did something to me, and I don’t mean via anal probes necessarily, and it actually seemed to help my game and opened my mind as a human being. I was scared to death when it happened, and I still have dreams about it every night, but I honestly think [the aliens] are here to help us. The problem is that the people who are abducted have a hard time understanding and coping with it, most keep it a secret. I kept it a secret because I was afraid people would think I was, ironically enough, crazy,” Rodman said.

Rodman went on to say the alien abductions are brought up in detail in the book, which has not yet been released. “This is only my second interview promoting the book, I figured I need to get that off my chest sooner rather than later. My book will be released sometime in January. My agent figured that we should get a jump on promotion, he knew I was nervous about what people would think of me,” Rodman told Griffith.  “If you get my book when it comes out, you will read all about it, we don’t have enough time to get into it anymore today. My time in North Korea was related to the abductions, but I am not prepared to talk about that right now. So don’t ask,” Rodman added, referring to his bizarre trips to North Korea to meet with leader Kim Jong-un.

Griffith immediately went on to change the subject of North Korea and asked Rodman about the three championships he won with the Chicago Bulls from 1995-1998. “So you are in Chicago playing with Jordan and Pippen with Phil Jackson as your coach, what was that like? What was the team chemistry like on that team during the three-peat run?” Griffith asked.

“It was the only time in my career that I felt like I was understood. Phil Jackson knew how my mind worked and got the best out of me. He was more of a friend than a coach. It was great playing with all those guys, something that will stay with me the rest of my life,” Rodman replied.

The official release date of the book has not been set, however it is expected to hit bookshelves sometime in January.

 

 

Alien Life-Form Discovered In Pennsylvania

PITTSBURGH, Pennsylvania- Alien-Life-Form-Discovered-Found-in-Pennsylvania

Over the weekend of June 7th, an interesting discovery was made by Pittsburgh native Devon Shaffer, 28. Mr. Shaffer was emptying out the trash during his shift at the Pasta Too Restaurant in North Side Pittsburgh when he found something in the leftover pierogi grease that has put the scientific community on its head.

“Well, it was ‘round ’bout 8 o’clock, and I was taking the trash out for Jimmy on account of his bum knee. I tossed the bag up in da dumpster and awnest ta God I ’bout crapped myself when I seen it. There was like one of dem coral things like what you find over at Myrtle Beach or something, just layin’ there in some of dat old pierogi oil!”

Excited over the oddity, Devon took the object into the restaurant to share with his co-workers.

“I was like, yuz guys ain’t gonna believe this. Jimmy took one look at it an’ was all ‘You need ta take that ova to Marty at the aquarium!’ so I did.”

Shaffer took his discover to Dr. Martin Steinbeck at the PPG Aquarium in Pittsburgh. Over the course of the weekend, Dr. Steinbeck ran tests on the specimen to figure out what the object was, and hopefully discover its mystery.

“This is not a piece of coral, at least not as we know it.” Said Dr. Steinbeck. “Regular, everyday coral exists in the ocean as a living organism, it’s this hard coral that we see most often. They have a ‘skeleton’ or shell made out of calcium carbonate, and some softer corals don’t form a skeleton at all. The piece that Mr. Shaffer brought me looks very much like a regular hard coral, but there is an absence of that calcium carbonate in its make-up. After running tests on it, I discovered that his specimen was building its skeleton out of the peanut oil used to fry the perogies at Pasta Too. This means that not only is this a new species, but the fact that it can react with proteins in oil this means that its DNA is fundamentally different, alien from anything we’ve ever encountered on Earth.”

The news has created a stir in the scientific communtiy, with several labs requesting samples of the specimen from both Dr. Steinbeck and Mr. Shaffer for further analysis.  Steinbeck has said he no longer has the specimen in his possession, as when news broke of the discovery government officials took ownership and brought it in for their own research.

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