LEXINGTON, Kentucky – 

Paul Young, 32, of Lexington, Kentucky, says that he was abducted by aliens sometime last month, and despite what people are always saying, the aliens had no desire to probe him anally.

“To be honest, I was kinda looking forward to a little anal probing from some intergalactic sex gods,” said Young to a local newspaper. “They were completely turned off by the idea, though. Turns out, aliens prefer for us to do the probing on them. It was still a really surreal experience.”

Young says that while walking through town late at night in mid-March, he spotted a hovering object on the horizon, and no sooner had he been able to get a look at it and try to comprehend what he was seeing, it vanished.

“It literally just ‘poofed!’ out of the air, and it was gone,” said Young. “I naturally thought I was imagining it, because I was tripping something major on some great shrooms, but then out of nowhere, it appeared over my head, and a giant beam of green light came down, washing over me. I got really warm, and then I was sucked up into their ship.”

Young claims that he was kept on board their spacecraft for over a week, while they forced him to probe their anuses, massage their tenticles, and cook them food.

“It really wasn’t that bad. I kind of liked it, actually,” said Young. “It’s been hard to find a man down here, and they really knew how to treat a guy up there in the ship. Honestly, I hope that they come back again. I’m always down for a little more probing, if you know what I mean.”