Snake Massages Become Weird New Trend Among Hollywood Celebrities

Posted on November 28, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

LOS ANGELES, California –

Hollywood has always been one of the trendiest places in the world. A place where celebrities of all stature can grab onto any little thing that they enjoy and make it into a worldwide phenomenon. A new trend among Hollywood A-listers is spreading quickly throughout much of the West Coast: snake massages.

“Oh my God, it’s the greatest feeling in the world,” said Cheryl Jones, who claims to be 25. “I saw that Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Lawrence both love getting snake massages, so I had to try it, too. It’s amazing!”

Snake massage, unlike regular massage, requires no one’s hands to be all over you, making any sort of inappropriate touching or uncomfortable settings a thing of the past.

“I one time was finger-banged by a giant lesbian masseuse,” said Mary Lambert, 36. “I only went back another 4 or 5 times after that. It was just too awkward. Snake massage is so much more relaxing. They just slither all over your body and they shed their skin over you. It’s great for your pores, too. I love it. It’s also way less awkward when they slither between your legs than when Joanne The Bulldyke does it.”

Celebrities including Jolie, Lawrence, Chris Pratt, and Andy Dick are said to be “huge fans” of snake massage.

Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie Searching For Doctor To Perform Sex Change On 8-Year-Old Daughter

Posted on December 26, 2014 by Raoul Stockton

LOS ANGELES, California –

According to recent statements made by Hollywood power couple Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, 8-year-old daughter Shiloh has opted to change her name to ‘John’. After intense consideration and conversation with their daughter, the couple have begun looking for a doctor to perform a sex change on the child. They say they want to help rid her of the constant, uncomfortable reminder that she is ‘someone different on the inside than appears on the outside.’

The couple has openly discussed how their daughter has always been more inclined to play with toys aimed at boys, and prefers to wear boys clothing, as well as have a more ‘masculine’ haircut.

“She wants to be a boy,” Jolie said. “We had to cut her hair, she likes to wear boys’ everything, she thinks of herself just like a boy, and enjoys doing the same things as her brothers. She is a very smart child, definitely wise beyond her years and several times she has asked if we could help her ‘fix herself.'”

“It is very difficult for parents to hear their child go through that kind of thing,” said Brad Pitt. “We have discussed it and we are certain that she really does want to go through with it, but we will continue to evaluate the situation while also looking for a highly qualified doctor who is willing to perform the operation. It’s what John wants, and as parents, you give your child all that you can and more.”

Pitt mentioned on the Oprah show a few years ago, when Shiloh was four years old, that she wanted to be named ‘John’. The idea is one she has clung to for years, and her parents now officially support her request. Jolie says it will be extremely difficult to remember to call her John instead of Shiloh.

“Everyday I call her Shiloh at some point and she will get fussy with me, I’m trying so hard,” Jolie said. She also added that the couple is proud that they seem to be teaching their children that it is important to discover who they are. “It makes me feel so good knowing that all of our children know that it is not only okay, but a great thing to explore their individuality, and go on the journey to discover who they really are as unique people.”

When asked whether or not they would wait until Shiloh turns eighteen to have a sex change, Jolie said it would not be the right thing to do. “That would just be cruel. She is a very smart person, she knows better than anybody who she really is. We have every intention on fulfilling her dream in the very near future,” said Jolie.

Brad Pitt to Attacker Vitalii Sediuk: “I’ll Pay Your Bail If You’ll Fight Chuck Liddell”

Posted on June 5, 2014 by Bob The Empire News Potato

HOLLYWOOD, California –

Brad Pitt was assaulted at the premiere of his wife Angelia Jolie’s new film Maleficent early last week by self-proclaimed celebrity “prankster” Vitalii Sediuk. Sediuk apparently made it past security and hit Pitt in the face while he was signing autographs for fans.

The scuffle was apparently short lived, as private security instantly restrained Sediuk until police arrived, where they arrested and charged him with assault. Pitt initially filed an emergency restraining order on Sediuk, but then rescinded the order when Pitt’s longtime friend, MMA legend Chuck Liddell, offered to “put a pounding” to Sediuk for him.

Although no official announcement has been made, so far what is known is that the fight will take place in Las Vegas, and that assuming all legal channels can be cleared in time, it would be set for the second week in June. Pitt was quoted as saying he thought it was a “wonderful idea,” and offered to pay Sediuk’s $20,000 bail if Sediuk would agree to take the fight with Liddell.

“This entire thing would be legit, all legal. We’re not talking about me, you know, sicking my extremely well-trained, badass friend onto some loser.” Said Pitt. “[And] Sediuk may be a loser, but this will still turn out okay. We plan to turn this all around and create a charity event, a charity fight. I want Sediuk to get his ass kicked by Chuck, and I’m going to take all the money we make from it and give it to starving and orphaned children around the world.”

Pitt and Liddell met several years ago when Liddell was hired as a fight coordinator for the film Kick Ass, which Pitt’s company Plan B Entertainment produced. Reportedly, as soon as Liddell heard about the attack, he called Pitt to pitch him the idea.

“I normally don’t get involved in things like this.” Said Liddell. “But Brad is a friend. Angelina, the kids – they’re good people. This guy is a jerkoff who thinks he is some sort of prankster, some sort of hotshot. I’ve beaten the hell out of a lot of hotshots in my day. Retired or not, I can always add one more.”

Because Sediuk has a history of altercations with other celebrities in Hollywood, other stars including Leonardo DiCaprio and Will Smith are also lending their support to Pitt. Both DiCaprio and Smith have been victims of Sediuk’s antics in the past; DiCaprio had his crotch grabbed last year, and Sediuk grabbed Smith and tried to kiss him at the premiere of Men In Black 3.

As of this writing, Sediuk was still in jail in Los Angeles awaiting a court hearing. His lawyers have brought him all relevant information on the fight, and sources say that Sediuk is willing to participate.