OAK BROOK, Illinois – 

McDonald’s CEO, Donald Thompson, may be retiring in March, but he is making sure that he’ll go out with a bang. The 51 year old has been working for the fast food chain for 25 years, and has seen it through many disparaging rumors and urban legends. However, in a first, he has admitted truth to one of the old stories – that McDonald’s beef comes from mutant cows.

“The cow – if you can call it that – is created in laboratories in Japan,” Thompson said at a farewell event. “It is hairless, limbless, deaf and blind. In other words, it does not contain any inedible material. It is simply a large, living meatball.”

The crowds who had come to see the celebrated businessman off gasped in horror at the images projected on a screen behind Thompson.

“It was a monster,” said one traumatised attendee. “At first it looked kinda delicious, but then I saw it was breathing. It started moving around and I just screamed. I don’t know if I can ever eat meat again.”

While the news may be off putting for some, the meat industry is frantic, with slaughterhouses scrambling in an attempt to get McDonald’s to share the process.

“This will change food forever,” said a Meat Inc employee on condition of anonymity. “The prices will go down, the quality will go up – as there’ll be only pure ‘beef’. And we’ll sell more than ever. Also, if we market it right, we may get PETA off our backs. Killing these monstrosities is surely better than killing cows, right?”

PETA spokesperson, Haydi Mansoon, disagreed with the source’s sentiments. “They’re bringing these creatures into the world which no one wants to see,” she said. “People will have even less sympathy for animals. Yes, there’ll be less cows killed. And yes, these beings probably are not conscious in the way humans and other animals are. But if we don’t protest this cause, soon we’ll have nothing left to live for.”