Sean Spicer Celebrates Quitting Job By Throwing Massive Party – Over 30 People Arrested, $3 Million In Damages

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Sean Spicer celebrated being out from under Donald Trump’s stupid thumb by throwing a massive rager of a party at a rented home in Washington, D.C., where he invited nearly the entire city.

“Oh man, that job was way harder than I ever thought it might be,” said Spicer. “I mean, normally, the President doesn’t speak out of his ass, and just say the most goddamn stupid shit every second of every day. You know how hard it is to continue covering for that all the time – answering legit questions from the press about the President’s idiocy? I mean come on. Fucking Covfefe? Ugh.”

Spicer said he was so relieved to be able to quit and move on in his career that he wanted to throw a massive party. Everyone who worked, lived, or partied in Washington was there, and in the end, police had to break up the place.

“The party was at a D.C. mansion in the hills, rented, of course. The homeowner says there is more than $3 million in damages,” said D.C. police chief Mario Miller. “We made 36 arrests, mostly drunk and disorderly, drugs, and prostitution.”

Miller said that Spicer will not be charged in the raucous nature of the party.

“That guy has been through enough in the last 6 months working for Trump, I’m not going to add any shit on his plate right now. Let him relax,” said Miller.

 

Teenagers Hijack School Bus During Riot

STARLIGHT, Texas – 

19 year old Jacob Hicks is in custody for seizing control of a school bus during what fellow passengers describe as a riot. Tabitha Lawrence, who was injured in the altercation says it all started when the boys in the back of the bus were told to move up front.

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“They were always giving the bus driver a hard time. He put the lights on and told them to shut up and refused to go up front. I didn’t see who it was but one of them threw his boot at the driver and then it was just chaos. It was like in the movies, the last day of school when everyone throws their papers in the air and goes wild, but like if everyone just started punching each other afterward.”

At that point Jacob Hicks wrestled the bus driver out of his seat and took the wheel. Other boys threw the driver from the bus as Hicks accelerated.

The bus driver, Erwin Mathis, escaped with minor injuries. He says this incident will not end his bus driving career.

“They may steal my bus but they will never take my love of driving bus away from me.”

Idiot Arrested After Burning Toddler In Stupid, Tragic Accident

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ONTARIO, Canada –

Troy Allen, 27, was arrested for criminal negligence after throwing motor oil in a fire, which exploded and severely burned a nearby toddler. Allen says he had changed the oil in his truck earlier that week and needed to get rid of it.

“I thought – what better way to get rid of it? I didn’t know my nephew was behind me. He’d been put to bed as far as I knew,” said Allen. “I don’t know why everyone is giving me shit over this. He’s not my kid. Besides, I got plenty burned too, and he’s a lot younger than me. His body will heal and his skin will bounce right back.”

Responding officer Bill Parker said, “People do stupid things like that all the time around here. Unfortunately this time there were tragic consequences, as little Evan Williams was burned severely.”

The 2-year-old boy, Evan Williams, received third degree burns over most of his chest and face, and remains in critical condition at a local hospital. The mother of the toddler will also be charged with negligence as she told police “she was a little drunk” and did not know her boy was out of bed.

Landlord Investigated For Allowing Tenant To Pay Rent In Sexual Favors

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ATLANTA, Georgia – 

Landlord Fred Wheeler finds himself under investigation for solicitation after bringing a former tenant to court. Re’Auna Perce claims Wheeler suggested she pay her back rent in another way. She says this is how she “paid” her rent for a few months, but later when she refused to give him oral sex “as a freebie,” he became angry and started exhibiting obsessive behavior.

“He was stalking me. He’d come in to Doc Hollandaise, [the restaurant] where I work, and ask to sit in my section. He’d take one of my tables for hours, so I couldn’t make no money from it…Knocked on my doors all hours of the day and night. Came into my apartment when I wasn’t home. My ten year old caught him going through my panty drawer. Then I said enough is enough.”

Perce says when she told him she was moving, he pleaded with her to stay, offering her a car and another month she could pay for with “one hour of work.” It was not until after Perce had moved that Wheeler brought her to court.

Perce says she was unaware that accusing Wheeler of solicitation would bring charges of prostitution upon her, but hopes to get a deal for her testimony. Wheeler has publicly declined that the sex had anything to do with back rent, and claims that it was Perce who could not keep her hands off him

‘Zombie Man’ Bites Police Officer, Facing Life In Prison

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CINCINNATI, Ohio – 

John Thomer, 28, dressed as a zombie, was arrested outside the courthouse where a hearing was held for the man charged with violating zoning rules for his zombie nativity scene last month, Jasen Dixon. Thomer was initially arrested for growling into a megaphone and interrupting the Dixon’s trial.

Thomer’s sentence of three days in jail has now been extended indefinitely after assaulting one of the corrections officers in what he claims was a “joke gone wrong.” He is expected to be transferred from Hamilton Country Jail to Cincinnati State Penitentiary as soon as he is railroaded through the justice system by the DA, a subpar public defender, and a judge who will likely not see this as a good-natured joke.

Corrections Officer Royce Beaulac says, “That nutcase couldn’t behave himself for three days. Guess he really wanted an Ohio State Butt Rape special!”

Thomer explains: “It was a joke. A love-bite really. Some of the make-up I used wouldn’t come off. He’d been making fun of me, but jokingly ya know, so I playfully lunged at him, saying ‘Brains! In retrospect, I see that was a mistake, and it was obvious the officer had no brains whatsoever.”

‘Anonymous’ Hackers Arrested In Sting Opperation

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A US Department of Justice and FBI sting of a group of apartments in downtown Boston yesterday yielded the arrests of a reported 24 members of the hacking group ‘Anonymous,’ who in this case, turned out to be anything but.

“Anonymous hackers have been bombarding Twitter with account information of supposed terrorists – whether they be ISIS or otherwise related – in hopes of having them [the accounts] removed,” said Federal Agent Richard Gill. “In those takedown requests, several members of the group left key information about their location, and we were able to track their whereabouts and make the arrest.”

Although support for Anonymous has been at an all-time high after the group declared war on terrorists who use the internet to coordinate their attacks and pass along information, the FBI and other government agencies still list Anonymous themselves as a terrorist group.

“Hackers penetrate and ravage delicate public and privately owned computer systems, infecting them with viruses, and stealing information for their own ends,” said Gill. “These people, they’re terrorists.”

With an estimated half a million people on the internet claiming to be part of Anonymous or an avid supporter of the group, the arrest of 24 people – aged 19 to 38 – seems small in the grand scheme of things, although Agent Gill says it’s a “great start.”

“Naturally we know that we will never be able to arrest every member of Anonymous, and even if we could, a new generation of tech-enthusiasts would pop up in their place, but we need to put a stop to hacking, as much as possible,” said Gill. “Maybe it’s a war we can’t win, but hey, we’ve been uselessly fighting the war on drugs for decades, so why not the war on hackers, too?”

President Obama Arrested For Possession of Marijuana While Driving In Maryland

BALTIMORE, Maryland –

President Obama has reportedly been arrested for joyriding and possession of marijuana while traveling through Maryland on his way back to the White House, according to police reports.

The Baltimore Police Department say they pulled over a black 2015 Ford Ranger that was swerving erratically early Friday morning. Officers were surprised to find President Obama behind the wheel, obviously under the influence of marijuana.

“Our officers pulled over a new, luxury SUV at approximately 3AM Friday morning,” said Baltimore police captain Gary Holmes. “Officer Dan Lewis approached the vehicle, and found President Barack Obama in the driver’s seat. He was alone in the vehicle, and Officer Lewis claims there was an extremely strong odor of marijuana emanating from the cabin of the vehicle.”

According to Officer Lewis’ report, the President did not resit arrest, or put up any sort of argument with officials.

“He was very respectful, and came willingly,” said Officer Lewis. “He was arrested at the scene, and was booked on driving under the influence. A car containing 3 secret service agents arrived minutes after President Obama was stopped, and they, too, were cooperative with the arrest.”

Obama was held overnight and released on bail. According to the White House press secretary, President Obama will pardon himself for the misdemeanor, and will not face any jail time.

Elementary School Student Arrested For Sharing Sandwich, Accidentally Poisoning Classmate

CARSON CITY, Nevada – 

A 7-year-old boy was arrested and is being charged with murder after he allegedly shared a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a classmate, which causes him to have an allergic reaction and die, say police in Carson City, Nevada.

According to police reports, a child, whose identity is being withheld due to his age, brought a PB&J to class, despite the entire school being a “peanut free zone.” The act, which normally would have not been a crime, was turned into a massive ordeal after the child shared his sandwich with a classmate, 6-year-old Tommy Dill.

“Little Tommy was allergic to peanuts, and was part of the reason that the school is a peanut-free zone,” said school superintendent Carl Reiner. “Unfortunately, Tommy went into anaphylactic shock, and died on the way to the hospital.”

The child who brought the sandwich to school is being charged with reckless endangerment, murder, and attempted assault. Because this was his first time bringing peanut butter to class, he will be charged as a minor. Prosecutors say he is lucky.

“If we had heard about previous warnings about peanut butter or any nuts being brought to class by this child, then we’d have been pushing for the death penalty,” said lawyer Dewey Cheatum. “Instead, he lucked out. This was his first offense, and we’re going to just push for what we can. We’re confident that he will not see the light of day until his 40th birthday.”

 

Actor From State Farm Insurance Commercials Killed By Wife Over Alleged Infidelity

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LOS ANGELES, California – 

Justin Campbell, the actor who played the husband in the infamous “Jake From State Farm/State of Unrest” State Farm commercials, has reportedly been murdered in his home in Los Angeles. The alleged assailant, Campbell’s wife, Mary, has been taken into police custody.

“Justin was an amazing guy, and he was hilarious,” said an anonymous friend. “I’ve known him nearly 20 years. I don’t know why Mary would do such a thing. She is a sweet lady. I can’t imagine what happened in that house last night.”

“I used to catch him up all the time, talking on the phone in the middle of the night,” said Mary while being questioned by police. “He told me he was just talking to his agents, or working to get new roles. But I knew that it wasn’t the case. He was up talking to other women on the phone. That commercial he was in, that was true to life! It happened! I know it did! Typecasting! Typecasting!”

Campbell, who is best known for playing a husband taking advantage of State Farm Insurance Company’s 24-hour customer service hotline, but is accused by a nagging wife of talking to a phone sex operator, was also known for small roles in Hollywood films such as The Hurt Locker and The Naked Brothers Band: The Movie. 

Reps for Campbell could not be reached for comment, but sources close to the family say that Campbell requested that he be buried in anything other than khakis.

White Christian Teen Arrested For Wearing Shoes With Picture Of Clock To School

clock shoe

FRYEBURG, Maine – 

A 13-year-old white student was arrested at a school in Fryeburg, Maine this morning for allegedly wearing shoes that had a picture of a clock on them. Police say that white kid Jacob Smith painted the shoes himself, and has a keen interest in clocks and art, and thought other kids would think they were “cool.”

“Jacob Smith was arrested after wearing inappropriate footwear to class,” said Fryeburg police chief Aaron Silver. “The school has a zero-tolerance policy for items that are, or appear to be, any sort of timepiece, as it is possible that it could be an explosive.”

The school board says that Smith, who is in the ninth grade at Fryeburg High School, is a straight-A student, and enjoys art, English, and hitting on girls during gym class.

“He’s a typical white kid who happens to be a tad bit smarter than the other kids in his class,” said teacher Jeanne Curtis. “Obviously the kid has a knack for footwear, but I’m sorry – clocks, whether they are drawn, bought, built, or whatever, have no place in my classroom. It was only right that I call the police.”

A 14-year-old student in Texas was arrested recently after bringing a clock to school that he had “built,” although authorities knew right off it wasn’t a bomb, and was a just a hoax device. In that case, it was obvious to police and investigators that the family designed the entire event to spur racist arguments in the media and to gain attention for the family, who are known media hounds. Sadly, the news outlets nationwide weren’t bright enough to figure out the sad, lame attempt, and fed right into it.

“This situation is different than that Muslim kid in Texas,” said Silver. “This is a white kid in Maine. The fact that he’s white, though, shouldn’t matter, because he should know better. Maybe he thought because he was white he could get away with it, I don’t know. Either way, h was arrested and charged with reckless artistic abandon and criminal threatening. Thank God he’s a Christian. Maybe he can pray his way out of trouble.”

According to Silver, if convicted, Jacob Smith could face up to 24 hours in the jail.

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