Jared Fogle Makes Deal To Serve His Prison Time At Juvenile Detention Center

Posted on August 30, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

ZIONSVILLE, Indiana –

Jared Fogle, the disgraced former pitchman for Subway sandwiches who recently admitted to having sex with girls as young as 9, has been charged with federal crimes of paying for and engaging in sexual acts with children, as well as receiving and distributing child pornography. Along with paying a reported $1.4M to 14 victims, Fogle will also be required to serve time in prison, although lawyers for the once-loved sandwich slinger say his time will be served quite differently.

“Mr. Fogle has made arrangements through the District Attorney’s office to do his mandatory prison time at an undisclosed juvenile facility,” said Fogle’s attorney, Joe Goldsmith. “Part of his plea deal was that he not be sent to a regular federal penitentiary, as he fears for his life.”

According to Fogle, he wouldn’t last “one day” in a standard federal prison.

“I may have committed these crimes, but I’m paying for it from my own wallet,” said Fogle. “I’d rather not have to pay for it with my life, which is what would happen if I went to a regular prison. I’d either have to be in protective custody 24/7, or I’d be taking footlong dicks and six inch shanks left and right. Doing my time at a facility for juveniles, I’ll be better able to protect myself from harm.”

Goldsmith says that a plea deal is being entered soon, and that Fogle will immediately after turn himself in to authorities to begin serving his time. Fogle has reportedly agreed to serve 5 years in exchange for his plea, but authorities are pushing for 11 years. Either way, because of his quasi-celebrity status, he’s bound to be out in 18 months.

Handgun Charged With Murder Of 3 In Virginia

Posted on August 29, 2015 by A. Michael Smith

MONETA, Virginia –

In a shocking series of events, a semi-automatic handgun has been charged with the murder of 3 people in Moneta, Virginia, after a widely-broadcast shooting recently took place. Prosecutors are saying that since the alleged shooter was also killed, the only responsible party remaining is the actual gun itself.

“After murdering two people, the gunman used this semi-automatic pistol to then kill himself, leaving nothing behind except for the gun,” said prosecuting attorney Myles Shepherd. “Guns are extremely dangerous, and we feel it is time that they should be held accountable for their crimes.”

Attorneys for the defense team say that the Ruger semi-automatic handgun was acting under the control of someone else, and should therefore not be held accountable for its actions.

“This gun was simply doing what guns were made to do, and that’s fire off rounds shamelessly into the bodies of other people, even if that happens on national TV and in videos posted to social media,” said defense attorney Jeremiah Clifford. “Yes, people were killed. Yes, it was senseless and violent. But is that really the fault of the gun, or the person who was holding it? Everyone knows that guns don’t kill people, people kill people.”

“People may kill people, sure, but guns kill way more often. We strongly believe that guns are to blame for the crime and hate in this world, and that finally holding the weapon responsible will force peace everywhere,” said Shepherd. “Guns across the globe will be afraid to fire. They will no longer hurt and kill innocent people. They will be held accountable for their actions, and we may finally get some resolution to the problems of violence plaguing our nation.”

A hearing is set for this week in the Moneta County court system. If convicted, the gun could, ironically, face the death penalty.

New Disgusting Secrets Emerge from Jared Fogle’s Basement

Posted on August 26, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

INDIANAPOLIS, Indiana –

The ongoing investigation of former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle continues to dredge up shocking new evidence, which promises to bring even more legal trouble for the extremely disgraced pitchman.

According to recently released FBI documents, police investigators found a false wall hidden in Fogle’s basement. Inside the secret room were hundreds of bags of Quizno’s sandwich wrappers. Most disturbingly, many of the wrappers were from Quizno’s kid’s meals.

While Subway did not have the foresight to include a clause in Fogle’s contract regarding statutory rape, they did have a clause that dictated Fogle’s eating habits, including that Subway be the only sandwich chain he was allowed to frequent. Lawyers for the sandwich giant will have cause of action for a lawsuit if they can prove Fogle was the one to buy the Quiznos sandwiches.

Attorney Abraham Bergen says after the settlements are granted to the underage victoms, Subway will likely seize any assets Fogle has left. “You could say Subway is the real victim in all of this,” said Bergen. “They spent years promoting their sandwiches with Fogle as the face of the company. No doubt they’ll be there to pick the bones and take whatever’s left. I’d advise them to move fast so there is something to take, but it’s a sensitive situation.”

Small Town In Iowa Completely Bans Music After Punk Concert Incites Riots, $250k Damage

Posted on April 18, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

BEACONSFIELD, Iowa –

A small town in Iowa has completely banned all music from being played within city limits after a punk rock music concert caused over $250,000 in damage to local businesses.

According to police chief Mario Fellows, a punk rock music concert was booked at the Beaconsfield American Legion, featuring an underground band called ‘CarcinomaSnail’ as the headliner. The band, who are known for their intense live shows which feature songs about death, murder, and misogyny, filled the town – which normally only has 150 permanent residents – with over 500 punk and rock music fans from the surrounding area, most of whom were reportedly rowdy, drunk, and violent.

“We ended up having about 47 arrests the night of the concert,” said Officer Fellows. “The show ended and the kids, they just went out and basically rioted. They overturned cars, destroyed windows of buildings and stores, set fires, and held up a liquor-slash-convienience store for the entire day’s take – $11.48.”

Fellows said that the show’s promoters, a small group called WeRockU out of Des Moines, had gained permission from the local American Legion to hold the show there after they were not able to secure a venue in a bigger area.

“We lost the lease at our normal venue, because Des Moines kids were always having fights or passing out drunk or nodding off, whatever,” said WeRockU’s Matt Briggs. “So we set up the show in Beaconsfield, where we figured no one would give a shit what we did. Turns out, the kids from Des Moines who just go to any punk show they can, they came out here, and yeah, guess we had some similar issues. But, man, whatever. Punk-fucking-rock, right, bros?”

The town is suing WeRockU for breach of contract, which stated that no damage would happen to the Legion building, or the surrounding town. WeRockU has filed a countersuit, claiming that the Legion did not provide adequate parking as was stated in the original agreement.

Officer Fellows says that the headlining act was not held responsible or charged with inciting a riot.

“As it turns out, they’re actually really nice people,” said Officer Fellows. “They play some angry music from what I could hear while I was outside the building, but they were just sweet, nice folks who played their music, and left peacefully to head to their next gig. Everything happened after they had left. They’re fine guys and gals who I hope make it very big and have lots of success.”

The town decided to ban all music, live or recorded, in hopes that no one ever has the intention of bringing a rock show to their town in the future. A new sign has been posted on each end of the one-road town stating “Welcome To Beaconsfield – Throw Out Your Records.”

Man Drives Car Through Donut Shop After Learning They Are Out of Maple Glazed

Posted on March 7, 2015 by Bob The Empire News Potato

MILFORD, New Hampshire –

Johnathan Elm, 27, was arrested Tuesday morning after driving his car through the front window of a local donut shop. Elm was apparently upset that the store, Wicked Good Donuts, had just run out of his favorite donuts, maple glazed.

“He started yelling and screaming and cursing at us, calling us ‘Donut-Hole Whores’ and ‘Pastry Pimps,’ seriously bizarre and crazy things,” said shop owner Marlene Simmons. “It was scary. We asked him to leave and he wouldn’t, but when I went to call the police, that’s when he ran out of the store.”

Reports by people outside the shop say they heard Elm screaming, and saw him running out the door, where he bolted across the street and got into his car.

“He was parked outside, across the road,” Said Joey Goldsmith, an eyewitness. “I watched him get into his car and then immediately drive it straight at the front window of the donut store. The glass shattered and then there were donuts and crullers flying all over the place. Sugar and liquid glaze went everywhere. It was like a diabetic nightmare out here.”

Elm was knocked unconscious during the accident when his airbag failed to deploy, causing him to crash directly into a rack of freshly made muffins.

“Blueberry corn muffins, our top seller. On sale this week for 4 for $6.99. Best deal in town,” said Simmons.

Not surprisingly, there were several police cruisers in the vicinity of the donut shop at the time of the accident, and Elm was immediately arrested and taken into custody, charged with reckless endangerment, attempted assault, and rampant destruction of delicious breakfast foods. He was initially brought to Milford Memorial Hospital to treat minor injuries sustained in the crash.

Police say that Elm blames his actions on Michael Vale, the actor who played “Fred The Baker” in many early Dunkin Donuts commercials.

“Fred knew when it was time to make the donuts. He was always making the f—— donuts. He’d have never run out of maple glazed! Never!” Said Elm in a police interview.

Elm was held and released Friday on $15,000 bail, and is currently restricted from entering any establishment that sells donuts or donut paraphernalia.

Kanye West Arrested After Breaking Into Beck’s House; Attempted To Steal His Grammy

Posted on February 14, 2015 by JP

LOS ANGELES, California-

Cops arrested Kanye West late Friday night after he was caught breaking and entering into musician Beck’s California home. Police were called to the scene after a security system went off in the home, and West was found with his leg stuck in a window he has smashed out. An ambulance was called to take West to the hospital.

Both West and Beck have been in the news lately due to a interruption Kanye made while Beck was receiving an award at the Grammys. West made it clear that he felt that Beck didn’t deserve to win the award, and while Beck appeared to laugh it off, Kanye began to ramble off into a frenzy of anger attacking the music industry.

Beck has yet to comment on the break-in at his home, but his manager has said that Beck will not be filing any charges. Kanye did tell police that he was there to retrieve Beck’s Best Album of the Year trophy, which he truly believed that Beyoncé deserved.

“I’m a man I handle my business and when I have a job to do I get it done,” said West. “I have to protect Beyoncé’s pride, and she deserved that award, not Beck. Who the hell is Beck, anyway?”

After he was released by police, West made a statement to the press about his feelings on the current state of the music industry.

“Music is dying and we need to have some real artist to bring it back to life. It’s all about glamor and money these days, and that isn’t what a true artist should be doing. Beyoncé is an artist in her craft and that’s why I respect her, music should be about how we inspire people, not by how the industry makes a fast buck off advertisement. Also, while I have you here, check out my clothing line, my wife Kim’s new book, and my new album that will be dropping soon,” said West

NYC Mayor de Blasio Slams Police, Marches At Anti-Cop Rally

Posted on January 14, 2015 by Abe Abrams

NEW YORK CITY, New York –

NYC Mayor Bill de Blasio furthered the rift between himself and the NYPD by marching with anti-cop protesters yesterday, in a rally just outside the city. Mayor de Blasio, flanked by his wife and son, held signs and chanted along with protesters, calling for an end of the senseless murder of unarmed black men. In an interview with reporters, de Blasio challenged the NYPD to change.

”Not all cops are racist, but some are. Not all cops wake up and decide to murder a black man, but obviously some do. I worry for my son, who is African-American. I’ve told him if he is ever confronted by a cop to immediately put his hands up and yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” said de Blasio. “In fact, I give all young black men and women permission to yell ‘don’t shoot, my Dad’s the Mayor!’” I challenge the NYPD to change its ways, to end racism in its ranks. I challenge them to fight fair when someone resists arrest, one on one, hand to hand, no more shooting an unarmed man, no more six-on-one.”

“I think the world would be a better without any cops,” said Protester Joan Williams. “Unless, of course, I was in trouble. I mean, they are good at helping people. Come to think of it, maybe people should stop breaking the law and resisting arrest, and maybe they should stop being violent. I guess it’s not really cops who are the problem after all.”

”The NYPD is the most diverse, most professional, and the best-trained agency in the world,” said NYPD Spokesman Sgt. Allen O’Hara. “We are entrusted with keeping the people of New York safe, and enforcing the laws of the city. What the Mayor should be doing is working to get the people to trust us, and understand we’re here to help, not here to harm. But, you know, not every mayor can be as great as Rudy Giuliani.”

76-Year Old Grandmother Arrested For Phone Hacking

Posted on January 4, 2015 by DvanL

PEORIA, Illinois –

Imagine Mavis Thompson’s surprise when on Christmas Eve, two uniformed police officers showed up on the mild-mannered grandmother’s doorstep with a warrant for her arrest.

“I thought the policemen had the wrong address,” said Thompson, “but there was my name right there and in big letters, and the paper said ARREST WARRANT.”

“We had to take her in,” said Officer Mark Macon. “We got several sworn complaints that she was making aggravated, inappropriate, and indecent phone calls which were recorded by other parties.”

Thompson suffers from chronic post nasal drip, accompanied by a persistent, hacking cough. “It’s bad,” she said. “I’ve had it for years and I call the drugstore for my new prescription. The police said that’s how it started. It was that neighbor lady’s daughter who was the ringleader. She’s into the gothic faith that kids are following now – devil worship it looks like to me, with all the black eye makeup.”

Indeed, upon further investigation, it was “that neighbor lady’s daughter,” ‘River O. Darkniss,’ née Louise Hicks, who had concocted a scheme where she and her goth friends filed several complaints, alleging Thompson had made repeated threatening and inappropriate phone calls to different local businesses.

“These kids were cruel,” said Officer Macon. They called up Mrs. Thompson and recorded her voice, and made a prank sound board. They added in her coughing sounds so we’d know it was her. Everybody knows she’s a hacker – I mean a cougher – but this was just plain mean.”

The re-edited sound mash-ups were convincing enough for authorities to seek Thompson’s arrest. The computer whiz kids managed to turn innocent conversation into highly inappropriate language by editing recorded conversations with Thompson.

“I really want something for my throat, *cough* and I don’t know when I’ll be able to get back down that way in town there to pick it up; can you do that for me please and get back to me?” was a mild enough question that the teens turned into dirty remarks.

“I really want something to get down in my throat, *cough* I want to get it down there, way back down in my throat, please *cough* really get it in way down in there, *cough cough* I want a pick up, can you do me please, do me, really do me back there, please do me way down back there *cough* in my *cough cough* throat.”

“Things like that were just very inappropriate from an older person,” said Macon, so we started to suspect foul play. “Once we found out what was going on, we released her and arrested the kids.”

“It was terrible, and I’m glad it’s over,” said Thompson. “I don’t use that drug store anymore even though they apologized, but I can’t show my face there. Forgive and forget, and I’m trying, but now I always watch what I say on the phone. I certainly don’t want to pull anymore boners like that.”

Milwaukee Parents Arrested For Giving Newborn Baby Racist Name

Posted on October 26, 2014 by DvanL

MILWAUKEE, Wisconsin –

Justin and Jan Bunnie, parents of a newborn baby boy were arrested shortly after returning home with their bundle of joy. Why would parents of a newborn be taken into custody at this most important time in their lives? Police Chief Arthur McManus said, “We didn’t ‘arrest’ them exactly; we ‘pre-arrested” them. Like detaining. We were following court orders. The judge said they set the kid up for abuse in the future, so we had to take them in.”

Justin and Jan were first brought to the attention of the courts by doctors and nurses at the hospital where their baby was born. According to court records, the judge decided that they had given their newborn a name which, when coupled with their last name, forms a racial slur for African-Americans. The editors of Empire News respect the intelligence and sensitivity of our readers, and in the interest of privacy and respect to the newborn, will refer to the baby simply by his first initial, ‘J.’

The couple was arrested for what Superior Court Judge Sylvia Hargrave called “future potential abuse from society at large due to irresponsible parenting and judgement leading to lifelong emotional damage.”

In an interview From the Milwaukee Secure Detention Facility, Justin Bunnie said, “We didn’t mean nothing racial. We wanted our kid to be someone special and get noticed in the world to succeed in life. Even if what the judge said is true, then my baby would have to defend himself and be strong. You got to be strong to survive in this tough world, so this would make him stronger.”

“I wanted him to be a like a celebrity,” said Baby J—’s mother, Jan. “Like sometimes famous people will have unique names that get attention and all the internet stories, like the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Everybody knows their names and they are rich and happy. That’s what we want for our little J—. It’s not fair to put us in jail.

The couple’s public defender, John Offmore spoke about the case. “We’re petitioning to have them released on probation in exchange for a change of baby name. It is unfortunate that a child would go through life being called “J— Bunnie. I’ve told my clients that although it is their choice, it was misguided, and they seem to have taken it seriously.”

Justin Bunnie reluctantly went along with his legal counsel’s idea. “Well, it’s for the good of the baby,” he said. “And we also got to think about our older son, Francis.” Francis goes by the nickname ‘Fuzzy.’ “No one had a problem with that name.”

The couple should be released within the week. An alternate name has not yet been chosen, although Jan Bunnie was provided with a baby name book, courtesy of the State of Wisconsin. “I’m kind of leaning towards ‘Harry,’ but I have to check with my husband first,” she said.

Troop Leader in Custody After Using Girls Scouts as Drug Mules

Posted on August 19, 2014 by JP

PHILADELPHIA, Pennsylvania –

A Philadelphia women is under arrest after admitting to using a group of girls to help her sell and traffic drugs. The woman, Marlene Jacobs, 44, was a camp leader for a local chapter of the Girl Scouts and had allegedly been filling cookie boxes with assortments of drugs, and using the girls to deliver them to her customers.

Police say that Jacobs had been placing cocaine and prescription pills into certain boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, then making sure that the girls delivered them to a designated address. Jacobs would mark the boxes with a sticker, and had been running her scheme for the last 4 years.

“We didn’t know anything about what was in the cookie boxes,” said Michelle Hall, 11. “We always thought it was funny that we’d drop off cookies and get big bags of money. Other troops were only getting a few dollars a box. I was getting over $100 sometimes. I just thought Ms. Jacobs was a good pre-seller.”

“None of us parents had any idea this was going on, that our children were being used as drug mules,” said Karen Driver, a mother of one of the girls Jacobs’ had used to sell drugs. “It’s disgusting that she would do such a thing. I mean heck, the cookies themselves are already like a drug. Have you tried Samoas? Oh my God.”

The entire scheme failed after one of the girls accidentally sold a box with prescription pills inside to a police officer. According to reports, the box either never received a sticker, or the sticker fell off, and it was delivered by mistake.

“We were never supposed to deliver boxes with stickers to anyone who didn’t pre-order them through Ms. Jacobs,” said Hall. “She must have forgotten and gave me the wrong box, and that’s the one I gave to the policeman.”

“For a moment I thought maybe I won some type of prize or something, but when I realized what was in the cookie box I was blown away,” said police officer Martin Lovell. “I immediately tracked down the girl who had sold them to me, and questioned where she had gotten the cookies. After a bit of conversation, it was clear the boxes were rationed to all the girls by their troop leader.”

Jacobs is now awaiting her court date. If convicted, she could face up to 15 years in prison.

“Thankfully, the fact that box contained cocaine didn’t taint the cookies at all,” said Lovell. “My Thin Mints were still delicious, as always!”