Ted Cruz Arrested In Massive Sex Ring Scandal – He’s Secretly Been PIMPING!

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Ted Cruz was arrested Thursday morning at his home in Washington after what police are calling a “massive” investigation that has spanned nearly a year.

According to reports, the FBI and local law enforcement have been investigating a huge sex ring in the D.C. area, and on Thursday they arrest nearly 200 people involved in the operation, from bookkeepers to prostitutes to their pimps.

One of the names of the arrested stands out more than others, as it appears Ted Cruz was arrested along with the rest of the lowlifes, allegedly for pimping girls for the last several years.

“Oh man, Daddy Cruz, Big Daddy Cruz he likes us to call ’em, ohh, he’s a good daddy to me and my girls,” said bottom bitch Diamond Glitter. “I been working for Mr. Daddy Cruz for about 10 monfs, and he just always been da best. He don’t hit me, nothing like that. I ax him for something, he usually give it. No other pimp treat me dis good before.”

According to Diamond, Cruz was bringing in an estimated $45,000 a month in his cut from the massive number of women he pimped, with a lot of politicians being clients.

“I aint’ allowed to talk about who my mouf been on, but it’s pretty damn near much all them politician guys in the White House,” said Diamond. “They pay a lot, tip big. Business been good as hell to me. This really damn sucks we all going to jail.”

Cruz was arrested and released on $100,000 bail. Neither he nor his lawyers could be reached for comment.

Police Officer Who Killed Philando Castile Shot By Even Whiter Cop During Routine Traffic Stop

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HUNTSVILLE, Alabama – 

Jeronimo Yanez, the police officer who was found not guilty of murder in the shooting death of an African-American motorist, Philando Castille, was shot this morning in a eerily similar manner.

According to police in Huntsville, Alabama, Yanez was passing through the town on his way to visit family in New England, when he was stopped by local officer for speeding, and driving with excessively tinted windows.

“He stopped, and I asked him to roll down his window,” said officer Barry Smith, a decorated veteran on the force with nearly 25 years and a spotless record. “He did, and immediately started to tell me he was a cop, he was a cop, and that I should let him go.”

According to Smith, Yanez then proceeded to reach for “his badge,” which was laying on the seat next to him. The seat also contained a gun.

“I told him to keep his hands where I could see them, and not reach for the gun, but he kept reaching,” said Smith. “He laughed, and reached again, and said ‘Oh this old thing,’ and went for it…so I drew my weapon and fired.”

Smith fired his weapon into the car 4 times, hitting Yanez in the arm twice, the chest once, and the leg once. Although he was severely injured, the spots in which he was hit were not causing life threatening injuries.

“Smith is the best officer we have and, frankly, he didn’t know who he was dealing with,” said Chief Mario Richards. “Mr. Yanez is rather dark skinned for these parts, and it really made Officer Smith afraid. I cannot blame him for shooting Yanez at all. He will not be reprimanded for doing his job to the best of his abilities.”

Yanez is recovering in an Alabama hospital.

3-Month-Old Baby Arrested For Breaking Priceless Artifact at History Museum

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BOSTON, Massachusetts – 

A 3-month-old baby has been taken into custody in Boston after he broke a priceless vase at the Natural History Museum on Tuesday.

Police say the baby, who has in a stroller being pushed by his mother, reached out and knocked over a 4-foot tall vase, which instantly shattered when it hit the floor.

“We tried endlessly for over 15 hours to put everything back together, but we could not,” said H.T. Dumpty, the museum curator. “This piece was worth well over $600 million dollars. It was practically priceless, and a one of a kind piece from the Ming dynasty. There are no others like it, and we are extremely frustrated with this baby for ruining something so precious and valuable.”

The baby’s mother, Francine Thompson, said she was “appalled” that her son would do such a thing.

“I was pushing him along, and looking at all the beautiful pieces. I wheeled little Joey right up near the vase, and pointed to it and was reading him the card telling about its history, when all of a sudden he reached out and pushed it over. It smashed everywhere, and he just laughed and laughed. I was in shock,” said Thompson. “I hope they throw the book at him, and give him as long as possible.”

The baby is one of the youngest people ever arrested. He is being charged with felony destruction of property and felony trespassing. If convicted, he could receive up to 20 years in prison.

Parents Arrested After It Was Found They Had Been Tattooing Their Infant

BANGOR, Maine – 

A couple has been arrested after it was reported to CPS that they were using their infant son as a “canvas” to practice their tattooing.

Kyle Bruce, 28, and his girlfriend, Felicia Rogers, 22, were taken into police custody after a neighbor in their apartment building heard “hours of a baby crying, and tattoo machines running.”

“Mr. Bruce and Ms. Rogers were arrested after we discovered that they had purchased tattoo equipment from the internet, and were practicing on their baby, 7-month-old Caleb,” said Police Chief Rick Simmons.

In Maine, purchasing and using tattoo equipment without a license is a criminal offense, and the couple added to their crimes with felony assault and endangerment of a minor.

“Their apartment was disgusting, and the child is lucky that he did not get an infection,” said Chief Simmons. “I have confirmed with doctors that Caleb is going to be okay. Sadly, he is just going to be stuck with really bad tattoos as if he were perpetually stuck in the 90s – birds, tribal tattoos, and a tear drop.”

Ex-President Obama Arrested After Routine Traffic Stop Turns Up Trunk Full of Cocaine

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HONOLULU, Hawaii – 

Former President Barack Obama was reportedly arrested in Hawaii late last evening after a routine traffic stop turned into chaos, as Obama was heard swearing, yelling, and seen attempting to hit a police officer. When his car was searched, police found nearly 20 pounds of pure cocaine in the trunk of his car.

“Originally, I stopped Obama only because he was driving with a light out,” said Officer Mike Daniels. “I didn’t know it was him until I approached the window. I planned on letting him go, but he came on very strong, and was swearing at me. When I asked him if he was okay, he got out of the car and proceeded to take a swing at me. Unfortunately, I had to use my taser on him, and he went down like Hillary in the general election.”

Obama claims that the car he was driving was a rental, and that he had “no idea” how the cocaine could have gotten into the trunk. Police released the former President on bail. He is scheduled to appear in a Honolulu courtroom on March 9th.

Jill Stein Arrested Trying To Crash Presidential Debate

NEW YORK – 

Green Party candidate Jill Stein was arrested trying to rush the stage and crash the presidential debate Monday night, being tackled by Secret Service agents who caught her before she managed to make it in front of the cameras.

“Jill Stein threw a major tantrum, yelling and screaming and complaining that she wasn’t allowed to be on the stage along with Hillary and Donald,” said Police Chief Richard Moore. “This all happened outside before the event. About midway through, though, she was caught sneaking onto the stage and tried to rush the candidates, hollering about there being a third-party option.”

This was not the first time that Jill Stein was arrested. A similar incident happened four years ago where Stein was arrested for disorderly conduct during the debates. She is being charged with public nuisance, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest.

Teen Arrested For Threatening To Kill Parents After They Confiscate His Marijuana

BRIDGETON, Delaware –

An 18 year old high school senior, Jack Cloutier, was arrested at his school, Madison Sr. High, after his parents filed criminal charges against him. He has been accused of telling his parents he would kill them, after they found and confiscated marijuana from his room and refused to return in.

“First he started dressing in all black. Then his grades started falling. His face began breaking out, and before we knew it he was lashing out at me and his father,” said Mary Cloutier, Jack’s mother. “Of course we knew he must be on drugs, because nothing else could turn out sweet baby boy into such a monster.”

Jack was being held on charges of attempted assault and criminal threatening. His parents say that they refused to return his marijuana because they had smoked it all themselves.

Man Arrested For Defecating On Boss’ Desk After Winning State Lottery

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AUGUSTA, Georgia –

Joel Fine, 32, was arrested on Friday evening after police say that he went into his place of employment and defecated on the desk of his boss, Mark Carson, at Excess Communications, a telecommunications company. Fine won a $6.7 million dollar lottery jackpot on Wednesday evening, and said that he waited until Friday to visit his employer, because he had “a present” for his former boss.

“I worked at Excess for nearly 5 years, and that sonofabitch rode me every single day, all day, with never a single solitary ‘thank you’ or any expression of gratitude of a job well done,” said Fine. “The guy went through the same training program as me, and moved up only because his uncle was the former manager, and when he quit, nepotism reared its ugly head.”

Fine says that he “couldn’t believe it” when he won the lottery, but almost as good as being able to never work again, was knowing that he would be able to finally “afford” the present he always wanted to deliver to Carson.

“I walked into my office on Friday, even though I wasn’t supposed to be there that day, and I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Carson. “Joel was crouched on top of my desk, pants around his ankles, and he was reading a newspaper. A big, steaming pile of shit was all over my monthly reports. When he saw me, he just smiled, and told me to ‘kiss his ass.'”

Carson called the police, and Fine was arrested for indecent exposure and criminal mischief. He was released on $2,000 bail, which he called “chump change” and “totally well worth it.”

Father Beats, Castrates Man Who He Says ‘Looked At Daughter In The Wrong Way’

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DETROIT, Michigan – 

A Detroit man was arrested after he viciously beat and castrated a man who looked at his 16-year-old daughter while passing on the street. Carl Grover, 47, says that Mick Lowe, 19, deserved the attack, because he “checked out” his daughter.

“That sick bastard looked at my baby’s ass when we walked by on the street, and that ain’t no way to be acting around girls, especially my daughter,” said Grover. “Ain’t no one going to be thinking about putting their dick into my daughter, so ripped his off with my bare hands.”

Lowe, who is hospitalized and has already gone through 14 hours of extensive surgeries, is stable, but doctors say that his penis is completely gone, with no chance of being reattached.

“We have tried to make his penis a useable organ again, but the assailant was vicious in his attack, and tore it apart like a rabid dog,” said Dr. Emmett Brown, a surgeon who has been treating Lowe. “It’s the most violent attack I believe I’ve ever seen.”

Lowe says that he never even noticed Grover or his daughter, until he was attacked from behind after he has passed them by.

“I definitely didn’t look at his daughter like he says,” claims Lowe. “I don’t normally go around checking out the backside of girls as I walk down the street. I mean, that isn’t typical of any gay man that I know.”

Bill Clinton Hospitalized After Being Attacked By Bernie Sanders Supporters

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – 

Former president Bill Clinton was hospitalized today after being attacked on the street by protestors who were rallying in support of Bernie Sanders. According to police, the attack was provoked by comments that Clinton made recently claiming that Sanders supporters wanted to shoot people on Wall Street.

“Former president Bill Clinton was airlifted to a local hospital after being beaten down by a group of Bernie Sanders supporters,” said police chief Walter Richards. “According to bystanders, the group were enraged by comments Clinton made about their tendency to want Wall Street members to be shot and killed.”

Ricky Carson, a Sanders supporter who was arrested in the assault, is facing 20 years in prison for the attack on a former President, but says he would do it all over again if he had to.

“Bernie Sanders is a man of the people, and those people are rallying behind him, in support. I am one of those people. We don’t want anyone dead, and I swear to God, I will beat the ever living shit out of anyone who disagrees with that, or with Bernie,” said Carson.

Police arrested a total of 9 assailants in the attack, and are still seeking 3 more who may have been involved. Ironically, Clinton had allowed his security team the day off so that his wife, Hillary Clinton, could have more security during her time in New York.

Doctors say that Clinton may suffer mild brain damage, but that it’s doubtful anyone would notice.

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