Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

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Previously Unseen Painting By Da Vinci Found In Alley Dumpster

BERLIN, New Hampshire – 

A previously unseen painting that has been confirmed to be by Leonardo Da Vinci was recently found in a dumpster behind an abortion clinic in Berlin, New Hampshire. The painting, which had apparently hung in the clinic for many years, was thrown away after falling from the wall and the frame cracking in the process.

“We certainly didn’t know what it was when we threw it away,” said abortionist Dr. Rachel Cline. “If we had, we would have sold it years ago, instead of keeping it on the wall for sad, pregnant teen moms to look at while waiting for their lives to change forever.”

The painting was purchased at a garage sale by Dr. Cline in 1997, at a local home, but says she’s forgotten exactly where. She said it had hung in her clinic for the better part of 20 years before she tossed it after a large truck driving by shook it off the wall. As luck would have it though, a homeless resident of Berlin saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and pulled it out.

“Before I took up my crack habit, I was a world-renowned scholar and professor of art history,” said vagrant Sonny Encher. “I saw the painting sticking out of the dumpster, and it looked so much like a Da Vinci, I had to check it out.”

Encher toook the painting to a former colleague who, along with a team of art history professors and researchers, confirmed it to be an original, long-lost painting by the world-famous artist.

“I don’t know who gets the money for this painting when it sells,” said Encher, “But I better be getting a damn cut of it. They threw it out, I saved it, and it’s worth probably $6 or $7 million. I could certainly use more crack, and that would help a lot.”

Currently, the artwork is being restored by a professional team, and is expected to be put up for sale at auction through Sotheby’s, with an expected fetch of $7+ million. No word on how the painting ended up in New Hampshire, or who owned the painting originally.

New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

SACRAMENTO, California – New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady To Pose Nude For Playgirl Magazine

Tom Brady’s wife Gisele apparently isn’t the only model in the family. In a press release from Brady’s publicist, Antionette McCandless, it was announced that the superstar quarterback will pose fully nude in Playgirl Magazine.

“Both Tom and Gisele are very excited about his upcoming shoot,” McCandless said. “Year after year, he has been voted by female fans of the NFL as the sexiest athlete in the world. He is really going for it here, and is going to show the world all that he has – while also showing why he has the most beautiful woman in the world as a wife.”

Crescent Publishing Group, based in Sacramento, California, who publishes the magazine, say this is a great opportunity for them to also reach out to their massive gay male demographic.

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“Everyone knows we produce a magazine for women, but it has an even larger following in the gay male community,” CPG spokesperson Tamara Rollins said. “We get shot huge loads of emails from our consumers every day, and most of them are from men. You would not believe how many emails and letters we have received over the years requesting we get Tom Brady in an issue. To be honest, I’m pretty surprised at how many gay men are avid football fans. It’s probably the tight pants.”

CPG has not announced when the issue would be released, but said that it would be at least a few months before they could meet with him for the pictorial, as Brady has several obligations related to the Patriots organization, as well as several charities in which his involved.

In 2010, Playgirl made a desperate attempt to lure in controversial quarterback Michael Vick to no avail. Over the years, they’ve reached out to other NFL players as well. “It is really difficult to get any major athlete involved in our publication, and of course that is what women, and many men, want to see when they open Playgirl magazine,” said Rollins. “Player’s agents have made it a really tough nut to bust for our magazine.”

 

Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

ORLY, France – Paris Hilton Denied Suite at Hilton Hotel

Paris Hilton, socialite, actress, model, singer and great-granddaughter of Hilton Hotels founder Conrad Hilton, was denied a suite at the Hilton Paris Orly Airport location last week.

“It was an oversight and we were simply filled to capacity,” explained hotel concierge Monique Val-de-Marne, through a translator.  “It was quite embarrassing for us as you can well imagine.  We offered to provide accommodation for Miss Hilton through the courtesy of one of our competitors, which she gracefully accepted.”

Hilton traveled to France to host an art gallery opening and to promote her second studio album featuring the single “Come Alive” which was released on July 8.

Produced by the record label Cash Money, a subsidiary of Universal Music Group, the music video features images of rainbows, pink, puffy clouds and unicorns, echoing Hilton’s public persona – that of a young, entitled princess, spending the bulk of her time enjoying the leisurely and dream-like lifestyle that comes with fame and fortune.

“Hilton Hotels provide unparalleled service and amenities to all of our guests,” said Val-de-Marne, who blamed the misstep on a staff member who did not recognize Ms. Hilton.  “We always have a private suite set aside for what you would call VIPs,” she continued, “but this time an oversight was made for which we take full responsibility.  The employee has been taken care of,” added Val-de-Marne, who was not working at the time of Hilton’s visit.  The employment status off the staff member could not be confirmed or verified, with a terse “No comment!” issued by an unidentified reception desk staff member when reached by phone.

“Miss Hilton behaved quite professionally and politely from all reports,” remarked Val-de-Marne, “and we would be happy to have her visit our hotel anytime she wishes to do so.”

No statement has been issued by representatives of Paris Hilton with regard to the incident.

Cops Crack Down on Teens Abstract Expressionist Painting While Driving

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Empire-News-Cops-Cracking-Down-on-teens-abstract-expresionist-painting-while-driving

Police across the country are taking part in a new initiative meant to make our roads safer by cracking down on teens and adults who create abstract expressionist paintings while they drive.

The program involves PSA’s, training for officers on how to spot painters in their cars, as well as special checkpoints along major highways where officers will be able to arrest anyone refusing to follow the rules of traditional composition.

Abstract expressionism while driving has been on the rise in recent years, and some say has only gotten worse ever since teen clothier Urban Outfitters began selling “To-go” sized canvasses and mini paint buckets that fit in a car’s cup-holder. A recent survey by ABC News found that over 40% of young adults (ages 16-25) admit to abstract expressionist painting while driving, with 20% saying they create a mind-bending work of pure exploration every single time they get behind the wheel.

Philadelphia Police Chief Charles Ramsey was instrumental in creating this new initiative. He says he first became passionate about this issue after a series of accidents in his home city.

“These young people, most of them teenagers, had gotten in to wrecks because they were distracted, applying paint to canvass in non-representational ways and trying to push the limits of what paint can express when they should be keeping their eyes on the road.” Said Ramsey. “I hope this program will help keep more people focused, and remind drivers that they can always explore two-dimensional reality after they get wherever they’re going.”

Empire News spoke to one teenager, Louis, who says that he started abstract expressionist painting while driving almost as soon as he got his license. Says Louis, “It’s not as big a deal as some people make it out to be. If you know what you’re doing, you’ll be fine. Like me, I only paint when I’m stopped at a red light… mostly because red lights are the inspiration for all my work. I try to create a visual mélange which evokes the red light without using the color red.”

According to existing distracted-driver laws, though, Louis is a criminal. Any police officer who catches him paining while driving is within their rights to arrest him. In most jurisdictions, abstract expressionist painting while driving carries a penalty of up to $500, and one scathing review of the painting in question by a magazine or newspaper of record.

Some outside of law enforcement have alleged that the crackdown on abstract expressionist painting while driving is unfairly targeted at young people. Studies have shown that those above the age of 40 tend to avoid abstract expressionism, but that 43% of them landscape or portrait paint while driving, and 37% of them compose classical epic poetry while behind the wheel.

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